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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being “ selfish” not to want to do childcare in retirement?

966 replies

Oldbutstillgotit · 25/11/2018 14:31

At the age of 64 I am retiring at Christmas. I am so looking forward to it. Because some of my friends are having to work until they get their State Pension, I have tried not to talk about it too much and have just mentioned it in passing.
A couple of weeks ago I had lunch with one of my oldest (40+ years)friends and told her my news. She seemed really pleased for me and asked what I would do . I downplayed our plans but emphasised how much I am looking forward to it .

A few days ago, my friend asked to meet me for a coffee and a chat. The bottom line is that her DD ( who is also my God daughter) is returning to work on January after Maternity Leave and wants me to look after her baby who will be 5 months old . I was a bit shocked but said that i had no plans to take another job so sorry but no. My friend really put pressure on saying that her DD cannot afford to pay for childcare but has to return in January as she has no income otherwise .
I don’t want to drip feed nor do I want to discuss my God daughter’s finances but there is no way her DH will contribute to childcare . GD has no access to his money and has to pay 50% of the bills. If she has to pay childcare she will be left with less than£20 a month.
Again I said no and I explained some of our plans . DH is 10 years older than me and has waited a long time for me to retire and we want to travel.

My DD suggested I offer 1 day but I don’t want to even do that ! I have - willingly- provided a huge amount of childcare for DGS but he is nearly 13 so I am not needed so much .

Anyway , my friend emailed me yesterday and accused me of being selfish. DH is totally against me helping but I feel that a long standing friendship will be ruined if I continue to refuse .
What do you think ?

OP posts:

Mickeysminnie2 · 25/11/2018 16:07

I have little sympathy for your GD. She knows her husband is 'tight' so why did she not ask how childcare would be paid for before having a child?
It would seem to me that she has learned some of his thrifty ways and finds nothing wrong in expecting someone else to pay for her life choices.
2 days childcare is a huge ask but she just expected it, then when she heard you were retiring she and her mother decided that you would do 5 days without so much as a text message from your GD?
I would text your GD and just say that you will be unable to provide childcare.
Your GD and her husband are both cf's. I just hope that your 'friend' is just being a cf through stress, but I would imagine now that your eyes are open you will notice that when her husband left you took on some of his responsibilities.

dinnafashsassenach · 25/11/2018 16:08

I'm utterly staggered that this even fleetingly crossed the minds of your friend and GD.

Pinkyyy · 25/11/2018 16:09

As others have stated, the clear issue here (asside from a mother/ daughter duo of CFs) is the DH who feels for whatever reason that it's not his place to pay for childcare for his own child.

2littleguineas · 25/11/2018 16:10

It's shocking that they even asked this off you let alone continue to demand you do it.
I'm wondering if your friendship has survived so many years due to what you brought to the table up until now. Is this the first time you've ever said no?

Aside from anything else, even if you wanted to do the child care it would be wrong as you'd be enabling an abuser.

Starlight345 · 25/11/2018 16:15

Yanbu

I would be wondering if this was the motivation for been gm.

As he is obviously financially abusive she is going to need to hit rock bottom before she realises it.

Bobaboutwhat · 25/11/2018 16:15

This is unbelievable! Your friend thinks it’s appropriate to ask you for childcare and tries to emotionally blackmail you into doing it because this husband won’t pay for his own child? Plus...not that there should have to be a plus....a 5 month old!! Not exactly an easy age! Please enjoy your retirement and forget about this absurd request.

dontalltalkatonce · 25/11/2018 16:16

I agree with not meeting her face to face until this is resolved and she has accepted a clear NO.

rosablue · 25/11/2018 16:20

The only thing it would have been reasonable for your friend to have asked you was if you could look after the baby for an afternoon to enable her to go with her dd to a solicitor to make plans for getting away from her awful 'd'h.

That, assuming it was arranged on a mutually agreeable day for all, I would have happily done to try to support the gd getting away from her h. Maybe even 3 or 4 afternoons on an ad hoc basis, assuming they had all been agreed, as in the long term you would know it would be so much better for her.

But to ask this is so sad. What would happen if you volunteered to talk to both gd and her h at the same time to help them worth through their budget and see how they could sort out their money to ensure that they can pay nursery fees - sounds like you are organised and could easily run through a session with them both there when you could make sure that you're working on the basis of them both throwing some of their money into the pot for all expenses and both ending up with the same spending money at the end of the month...

There also used to be a great resource - a questionnaire you could fill in on line to see if you were being financially abused... might be a good one to sit down and do with her when her h isn't around (and not on a pc/laptop etc he can access) to help reinforce that he is being abusive rather than tight

CottonTailRabbit · 25/11/2018 16:22

If you want to respond in a way that saves the friendship I'd either not respond at all or turn it back around.

Dear friend, I'm sorry to hear that Y is still refusing to pay his half of the childcare fees for his child. It is so upsetting to see DGD still willing to live like this. I hope she finds the strength to stop him taking advantage of her. x

Or the simpler

I won't work for free in retirement so that DGD-DH can keep all his money for himself.

Holidayshopping · 25/11/2018 16:23

She has had a baby with this man on the basis that you will provide her with childcare -who does that?!

iBAKEalot · 25/11/2018 16:24

Bloody cheek!! you do not owe this woman anything. You didn't ask her to have a baby, she needs to look for alternative childcare, and not assume that you would say yes. I cannot believe the nerve of some people.

morningconstitutional2017 · 25/11/2018 16:24

YANBU and it is awful that you are being emotionally blackmailed like this. Not what I'd call a friend. If you cool things then she has only herself to blame. What a nerve.

Coronapop · 25/11/2018 16:25

YANBU and as PPs have said the only selfish person in this is the DH. Your friend should not have asked. One of the best things about being retired is not having regular commitments so you are free to have a lie in and do as you please, go out for the day, go on a (cheap) last minute holiday or whatever. You are absolutely right to refuse. Enjoy your retirement and get the holidays in asap before DH's insurance cost increases too much.

DeadGood · 25/11/2018 16:26

The problem here is the financially abusive husband, not you. Your friend is putting pressure on you because she can, and because she presumably can’t put pressure on the husband.

If you were to take on this work, it would simply be allowing the abuse he is guilty of to ripple out past his wife and onto others in extended friends/family -in this case, you.

Email your friend back and advise her to take this up with her daughter or the husband.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 25/11/2018 16:26

What is your friend giving up in order to help her daughter? Or has she made this all your problem? If so, is that a pattern for her?
It's blindingly obvious that you are NBU, but it is perplexing that your friend has managed to convince herself that it's all up to you.

Orchiddingme · 25/11/2018 16:27

I wouldn't even meet her to discuss this- because it's pretending this is a reasonable thing to discuss. It isn't! No-one, but no-one, provides free childcare for non-related children when they retire. Lots of grandparents either don't want or can't provide any childcare at all. That's absolutely fine as well.

I would contact her and say you are very upset that they asked because it really is beyond the boundaries of what you would expect and what other people do.

FishesThatFly · 25/11/2018 16:28

OP - I truly find it astounding that people like your friend exist!

Do NOT do it. Otherwise you'll be stuck for the next 10 years and you'll end up doing more and more

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 25/11/2018 16:29

I also meant to say that I'm sorry your retirement plan have lost their shine because of this. My husband retired 2 years ago and it was a real struggle for him towards the end. He has ended up spending most of his time doing childcare, but they are at least his own children!

jackstini · 25/11/2018 16:29

Completely agree with all that YANBU and they are beyond cheeky and entitled

I would add that you should let her know 2 things - firstly how much it has upset you, that they think that taking away your quality of life to do them a favour is acceptable and secondly that you could not possibly do something that continues to enable the abuse of your Goddaughter

Am really sad on your behalf as this will change the relationship so much but there is not another option

Enjoy your retirement!

Booie09 · 25/11/2018 16:30

No No No....you are not being selfish!! You have helped your own daughter...it is now your time to spend your retirement with your husband! Life is way to short to spend looking after other people's children. This is your time...why can't your friend offer child care?

Nanasueathome · 25/11/2018 16:31

I think the fact she called you selfish for not doing exactly what they wanted you to says it all really
Just stand firm and say no
Don’t offer any practical help at all as they will put further pressure on you for you to continue to do so

category12 · 25/11/2018 16:32

As pp have said, you need to tell your friend you're going to spend your retirement as planned. And that providing free childcare would effectively be condoning and enabling GD's continued financial abuse by her DH.

Isn't it great how he's expecting all the women in his life, however tenuously connected, to find ways round his bad behaviour.

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/11/2018 16:34

Hell no!

Doing childcare for your goddaughter - which I note she had taken for granted two days a week anyway - is of absolutely no assistance to your goddaughter anyway. All it does is make it possible for her to continue to be financially abused.

In fact, I would go so far as to say it is more helpful to your goddaughter for you to absolutely refuse to subsidise her financially abusive husband. Because that is what you would really be doing. Maybe this will finally allow her to see her husband as financially abusive, when he drives her into penury.

And frankly, your friend is showing a marked lack of big-picture-thinking to even ask you in the first place, let alone harangue you when you said no. If I were to talk to her, I'd be on the attack, telling her she is colluding with her abusive son-in-law to keep her daughter in this marriage.

LannieDuck · 25/11/2018 16:36

I would suggest friend requests to drop to 4 days a week, and does the 1 day's childcare per week herself.

CottonTailRabbit · 25/11/2018 16:36

Where did your god daughter learn to put up with this much shit in a relationship? Is your friend one for appeasing angry men too?

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