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Original poster

Am I being “ selfish” not to want to do childcare in retirement?

966 replies

Oldbutstillgotit · 25/11/2018 14:31

At the age of 64 I am retiring at Christmas. I am so looking forward to it. Because some of my friends are having to work until they get their State Pension, I have tried not to talk about it too much and have just mentioned it in passing.
A couple of weeks ago I had lunch with one of my oldest (40+ years)friends and told her my news. She seemed really pleased for me and asked what I would do . I downplayed our plans but emphasised how much I am looking forward to it .

A few days ago, my friend asked to meet me for a coffee and a chat. The bottom line is that her DD ( who is also my God daughter) is returning to work on January after Maternity Leave and wants me to look after her baby who will be 5 months old . I was a bit shocked but said that i had no plans to take another job so sorry but no. My friend really put pressure on saying that her DD cannot afford to pay for childcare but has to return in January as she has no income otherwise .
I don’t want to drip feed nor do I want to discuss my God daughter’s finances but there is no way her DH will contribute to childcare . GD has no access to his money and has to pay 50% of the bills. If she has to pay childcare she will be left with less than£20 a month.
Again I said no and I explained some of our plans . DH is 10 years older than me and has waited a long time for me to retire and we want to travel.

My DD suggested I offer 1 day but I don’t want to even do that ! I have - willingly- provided a huge amount of childcare for DGS but he is nearly 13 so I am not needed so much .

Anyway , my friend emailed me yesterday and accused me of being selfish. DH is totally against me helping but I feel that a long standing friendship will be ruined if I continue to refuse .
What do you think ?

OP posts:
Ninkanink · 22/05/2021 09:44

Absolutely, unequivocally not!!

Honestly what is wrong with some people?

You are absolutely not being selfish, in fact they are being hugely entitled and selfish to think it’s okay to impose on you like that and then to lecture you about selfishness when you’re not keen on the idea. If the friendship falters then to be honest that just tells you everything you need to know about your ‘friend’.

Ninkanink · 22/05/2021 09:45

Oh heh! I got too carried away and didn’t check!

But, an update, you say??

Woo hoo!!!

Ninkanink · 22/05/2021 09:46

@Oldbutstillgotit I’m glad to hear that you stuck to your guns. How has retirement been? Bit of a crazy start to it, I guess!

Whoopsmahoot · 22/05/2021 09:54

Good grief, that ain’t a friend! It’s nothing to do with you -stay well away and enjoy your retirement

Crockof · 22/05/2021 10:02

@JustKeep

Yes I realise that now, I’m sorry Blush
Don't be, I enjoyed reading it , i get a nostalgia reading pre covid threads.

Op thanks for coming back, glad you stuck to your guns and hopefully you managed to enjoy your retirement before covid hit.

Ninkanink · 22/05/2021 10:06

Actually, all the people getting all het up, imo it’s perfectly fine to ask for an update on a thread that’s only a couple of years old - lots of people are likely to be interested in how things panned out.

It’s different if it’s a thread from 2012...

user1471554720 · 22/05/2021 10:22

Oldbutstillgotit

Thank you for the update. I am sorry for your gd and that your friendship didn't survive. I was hoping that you refusing would make the gd aware that her situation is not healthy or sustainable long term. However, if you had done all the childcare, it would have been at the expense of your own retirement and your time with dh. Hope you are enjoying your retirement. I know covid dampened the travelling but free, unscheduled time at home is lovely.

Purplecatshopaholic · 22/05/2021 10:26

I love an update. Thanks op. You did the right thing, and I hope you are enjoying your retirement.

MrsLion · 22/05/2021 10:30

No. You are not being selfish at all.
Your retirement is yours to enjoy how you wish.
I would never expect my parents to care for my or my friends children on a permanent or regular basis, and I wouldn’t want to do it myself.

Stick to your guns. I think it’s awful you’ve been out in this situation. The daughter needs help with regards to leaving her financially abusive husband rather than free childcare

HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 22/05/2021 10:32

Dear friend,
I'm sorry your daughter is struggling with finding childcare but I really feel I am not the person to help. DH and I want to travel, see friends and spend time together. I would be unable to commit and, even if I could, your GDD deserves someone with the enthusiasm, energy and training to look after her. As you know I have looked after my own GC but they are old enough now that I am no longer needed, and I am looking forward to a more quiet life.
I hope your DD finds an easy solution to this.
All the best,
Friend

DumbestBlonde · 22/05/2021 10:37

Oh - I was all guns blazing to make my contribution - but then checked the date!
No surprise to see that the friendship (if that's truly what it was...) has floundered; issues like this one would put in under such a strain.
On a nother note though - how nice that you had a close (too?) relationship with your GodD. My daughter's Godparents were very - shall we say - "hands off", (the other set were her Aunt & Uncle anyway) and I could never have thought that they would have any interest in caring for my DD's child, or even DD herself, despite what they pledged to do at the Christening.

I may be an outlier though. Is it normal? (rhetorical question)

ChaToilLeam · 22/05/2021 10:48

What a pair of CF! Glad to hear you stuck to your guns, OP, and hope you will soon be able to travel again and make the most of your retirement.

There are some people who just can’t be helped.

RadandMad · 22/05/2021 10:51

Can you imagine anyone, ever, putting pressure on a newly retired man to do this? No, I thought not.

cakewench · 22/05/2021 10:59

oh wow an update! I remember this thread! What an epic tale!

I cannot BELIEVE she's pregnant again!

I'm sorry to hear about your friendship, OP, but I suppose I'm not surprised. How incredibly unbelievable that they would be upset with you and not himself (and of course, your GD, who is prioritising how 'other people envy her lifestyle' over her children having a father involved in their lives)

Thank you for the update, and I hope you're making the most of retirement. Flowers

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/05/2021 11:03

You’re absolutely not being selfish!! This isn’t even your grand child, which I imagined when clicking on the link.

Your friend is out of order to put this to your- even more so to press the point - just as you come to your retirement.

I’d give her a link to women’s charities such as women’s aid, seeing as her daughter is being financially abused. If I was your friend I would be advising my Dd to leave this horrible man not trying to paper over the cracks with your labour.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/05/2021 11:06

Sorry - didn’t realise it’s an old thread - I’m a bit hungover!

Sorry to hear she’s pregnant again by this bastard, but glad you stuck to your guns.

How has your retirement been so far? Obviously covid was an unexpected factor!

ilikemethewayiam · 22/05/2021 11:07

I didn’t contribute to this thread at the time but I’m not surprised the friendship has suffered. The friend caused it by asking in the first place. From that point on it was doomed. If you had submitted to the emotional blackmail and helped, you would have deeply resented it and having said no, she resents it. It will always be the elephant in the room. It’s very sad but inevitable. I hope you’re enjoying your well deserved guilt free retirement OP 🥳🍾

Blossomtoes · 22/05/2021 11:14

I remember this thread. Thank you for the resurrection and update.

Diwoo · 22/05/2021 11:21

YANBU

Mary46 · 22/05/2021 11:32

Op hope you enjoying retirement. Not nice things being presumed. She doesnt sound a nice friend

dottiedodah · 22/05/2021 11:32

FFS! I often feel I have heard it all on here and up pops something like this! She is your God Daughter thats it.No need to explain.apologise ,or feel the least bit guilty! Shes a bloody CF.Its a shame her DD has problems but just no way your concern!

Diwoo · 22/05/2021 11:37

Oh Zombie Blush

It was interesting though, to read that she didn't want to give up her lifestyle that she felt others were enviable of. I have just one thing to say to that - she made her bed, you would just have been an enabler.

CloverHilla · 22/05/2021 11:39

@Oldbutstillgotit thanks for coming back with an update. You were completely right not to give in. I'm sorry your GD is in such a horrible marriage, but sounds like she knows what she wants and what she's prepared to put up with for it. If having one child was so hard, I wonder how she'll manage with a second?

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 22/05/2021 11:39

I remember this thread. Op, I'm sorry your friendship suffered, not surprising though as it sounds like your friend is jealous of your retirement. I hope you are enjoying your retirement and planning lots of days out and holidays with your DH now that things are re-opening.

ClarkeGriffin · 22/05/2021 11:48

Stop offering emergency childcare too. If she's adult enough to continue having kids with a man that doesn't care or help with costs, then that's her problem and she obviously doesn't mind, so she's smart enough to find solutions. Currently, that's you because you're being a pushover. Stop being one. Stop helping even in emergencies. Your crappy ex friend can do that.