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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being “ selfish” not to want to do childcare in retirement?

966 replies

Oldbutstillgotit · 25/11/2018 14:31

At the age of 64 I am retiring at Christmas. I am so looking forward to it. Because some of my friends are having to work until they get their State Pension, I have tried not to talk about it too much and have just mentioned it in passing.
A couple of weeks ago I had lunch with one of my oldest (40+ years)friends and told her my news. She seemed really pleased for me and asked what I would do . I downplayed our plans but emphasised how much I am looking forward to it .

A few days ago, my friend asked to meet me for a coffee and a chat. The bottom line is that her DD ( who is also my God daughter) is returning to work on January after Maternity Leave and wants me to look after her baby who will be 5 months old . I was a bit shocked but said that i had no plans to take another job so sorry but no. My friend really put pressure on saying that her DD cannot afford to pay for childcare but has to return in January as she has no income otherwise .
I don’t want to drip feed nor do I want to discuss my God daughter’s finances but there is no way her DH will contribute to childcare . GD has no access to his money and has to pay 50% of the bills. If she has to pay childcare she will be left with less than£20 a month.
Again I said no and I explained some of our plans . DH is 10 years older than me and has waited a long time for me to retire and we want to travel.

My DD suggested I offer 1 day but I don’t want to even do that ! I have - willingly- provided a huge amount of childcare for DGS but he is nearly 13 so I am not needed so much .

Anyway , my friend emailed me yesterday and accused me of being selfish. DH is totally against me helping but I feel that a long standing friendship will be ruined if I continue to refuse .
What do you think ?

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 30/11/2018 11:27

Don’t know how long she has been married but her goal could be get to about 10years married then divorce him and take him to the cleaners.

House, maintenance etc financial and emotional abuse. He thinks he is being clever getting her to work and paying for everything but it is all playing into her hands.

Your dgd might have a plan.

Omunye · 30/11/2018 11:29

House, maintenance etc financial and emotional abuse. He thinks he is being clever getting her to work and paying for everything but it is all playing into her hands.

If anything, insisting she continue to work will work in his favour should they ever divorce.

Oliversmumsarmy · 30/11/2018 11:48

Not when he is obviously not pulling his weight and not paying for his child.

I am helping a friend through a divorce at the moment who also suffered from financial and emotional abuse so I have seen how the courts are dealing with her stbexh

Having a job just to keep up that lifestyle will mean the courts will tend to find in her favour. This isn’t about 2 people splitting everything and both needing to work.
This is about one person being loaded and not paying for anything.

Remember if she is married for a length of time and is sole carer of the child then they are not going to be wanting to move the child so he can wave good bye to the house and the child’s school fees will need paying (I doubt he will let any child of his go to the local state primary). So he will be paying for those.

Also having the job means she can take care of bills on the house so if awarded it she can keep it going.

The law maybe open to interpretation over who gets what but having seen the results of court cases I have no doubt judges have seen it all before and know exactly what a guy like this was doing.

Monestasi · 30/11/2018 17:27

There is no way the OP’s GD would be awarded the house. A man like this will have locked down his wealth and assets.

I’ve seen situations like this a plenty. The GD will also know she has no such claims. Her objective is to keep the lifestyle, regardless.

I am certain he, and his family have ring fenced his finances. This is evident in the OP’s reporting of their financial dynamic.

I also wouldn’t call financial abuse, simply because she categorically states her lifestyle is one of envy.

Leave her to it OP. She is selling her soul. But at least she gets to do it in a big house and designer gear.

Enjoy, enjoy your retirement. You sound lovely.

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 30/11/2018 18:14

She's unlikely to be viewed as sole carer. Potentiallly primary if she's going to be working 4 days a week and him 5.

Brexshit · 30/11/2018 18:58

Bloody hell! CFery of the highest order. Not your problem op, enjoy your retirement Wine

SheStoodInTheStorm · 30/11/2018 22:22

So pleased you stood your ground OP.

I hope you and your friend can continue your friendship. I think she realises it was too much to ask. I feel sorry for her - giving up a day's wage so GD can work. How is she going to manage without that money?

I hope you have a wonderful hol. Your DH sounds lovely.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/12/2018 11:22

delboys, that drowning rescue analogy is interesting and really makes sense. This is so applicable to so many things!

JustKeep · 22/05/2021 07:06

@Oldbutstillgotit - I remember reading this thread a few years ago. Something reminded me of it and I came back to have another read - there was so much good advice on here about standing your ground!

Sorry to be nosy but.....how did everything work out? I hope you are enjoying your retirement and not looking after a preschooler!

Brainwave89 · 22/05/2021 07:33

No, at 64 you owe nothing to anyone, and if you are not inclined to do this you are not being selfish at all. Your friend is being exploitative by trying to guilt trip you into this. They need to deal with the controlling husband rather than mask the problem by asking you to undertake childcare.

Darbs76 · 22/05/2021 07:36

Wow, that’s such a cheek. Why didn’t the god-daughter think about childcare before she got pregnant? Surely that’s what you do, work out how much you will need to pay for childcare being getting pregnant? Why doesn't your friend, the grandmother offer help? And her DH should absolutely be contributing, if he’s not why is she with this man?!

Zenithbear · 22/05/2021 07:44

Zombie

JustKeep · 22/05/2021 07:44

THIS THREAD IS VERY OLD! READ THE DATES BEFORE COMMENTING PLEASE!

Pottedpalm · 22/05/2021 07:45

Very old thread!

LidlMiddleLover · 22/05/2021 08:04

Stick to your guns She could reduce hours to provide childcare if she chose to

Butterbeers · 22/05/2021 08:08

I’m staggered - her baby, her problem. It is not your job to solve their childcare issues. YADNBU. And to accuse you of being selfish? Just wow.

OssomMummy1 · 22/05/2021 08:15

@Oldbutstillgotit

At the age of 64 I am retiring at Christmas. I am so looking forward to it. Because some of my friends are having to work until they get their State Pension, I have tried not to talk about it too much and have just mentioned it in passing. A couple of weeks ago I had lunch with one of my oldest (40+ years)friends and told her my news. She seemed really pleased for me and asked what I would do . I downplayed our plans but emphasised how much I am looking forward to it .

A few days ago, my friend asked to meet me for a coffee and a chat. The bottom line is that her DD ( who is also my God daughter) is returning to work on January after Maternity Leave and wants me to look after her baby who will be 5 months old . I was a bit shocked but said that i had no plans to take another job so sorry but no. My friend really put pressure on saying that her DD cannot afford to pay for childcare but has to return in January as she has no income otherwise .
I don’t want to drip feed nor do I want to discuss my God daughter’s finances but there is no way her DH will contribute to childcare . GD has no access to his money and has to pay 50% of the bills. If she has to pay childcare she will be left with less than£20 a month.
Again I said no and I explained some of our plans . DH is 10 years older than me and has waited a long time for me to retire and we want to travel.

My DD suggested I offer 1 day but I don’t want to even do that ! I have - willingly- provided a huge amount of childcare for DGS but he is nearly 13 so I am not needed so much .

Anyway , my friend emailed me yesterday and accused me of being selfish. DH is totally against me helping but I feel that a long standing friendship will be ruined if I continue to refuse .
What do you think ?

If you agree once, next it will be your neighbour who will be knocking on your doors because you share the same air, sunshine, electricity, gas and water supplier.
Standrewsschool · 22/05/2021 08:15

@formerbabe

Omg! When I read your title, I assumed the childcare would at least be for your own grandchild...Shock why on earth would you look after your friends daughters baby?! Why did she even think you'd consider it?!
My thoughts exactly. You are not being selfish.

Sounds like goddaughters dh is the selfish one and is financially controlling.

Wanderlust20 · 22/05/2021 08:18

Like other posters, I also just assumed you were talking about your own grandchildren in the thread title (and I would still have said YANBU) but wow! I know she's your god daughter but you're essentially being asked to look after a friend's DGC?! No way, what a CF! Shock

Wanderlust20 · 22/05/2021 08:19

Oops sorry, just saw its a zombie thread!!

daisychain01 · 22/05/2021 08:26

Why didn't the Zombie message appear on here, they're very useful!

Chickychickydodah · 22/05/2021 08:27

I can’t believe she would even ask you to do this. She should help out , it’s her bloody gc.
She’s not a real friend treating you like this.block her and enjoy your retirement ....

Tulipomania · 22/05/2021 08:28

FFS @JustKeep why bother to resuscitate a zombie thread? You could have just sent the OP a DM.

JustKeep · 22/05/2021 08:29

Yes I realise that now, I’m sorry Blush

RestingPandaFace · 22/05/2021 08:42

Your friend is out of line putting pressure on you but she is probably desperately worried about her DD and not thinking clearly.

She needs to devote her energy towards getting her daughter away from her abuser.