Moral Dilemma - to sell this and pocket the cash?

[PersonaNonGarter]

I have a moral dilemma.

A Sponging Relative (‘SR’) has run up so much debt that he has finally been evicted from his property and is likely to be made bankrupt shortly. He is also a massive hoarder. Recently, my aunt went to visit SR and suggested he part with some toys rather than pack them before eviction. The toys were given to my DC.

The toys turn out to be worth a lot of money and I will sell them rather than have them take up space - DC aren’t going to play with them. Should I :

1. Pocket the cash and give it to my DC on some way like a holiday
2. Give it to the very skint SR
3. Give the cash to some of the people SR has sponged off.

He doesn’t sponge off me although he has tried. In law, I know they were a gift and are mine/DCs. But morally...?

I think you should give any money to ‘hoarding, sponging relative’
Poor sod sounds like he’s got problems enough, if you can get some money for things that would help him, why wouldn’t you?

I think the shottything is that you know they’re toys, and they’ve come to your children for children to enjoy, and the giver has some sentimentality attaches to the toys or to them being kept in the family. Selling them for hard cash is selling someone’s sentimentality.

I’d hold onto them for grandchildren. Seriously. I couldn’t bring myself to sell them. Plus, they’d be worth an absolute mint on The Antiques Roadshoe in 30 years’ time! Your kids don’t need them to play with, they can keep them for posterity.

What makes me laugh is the MN moral highground where noone would DREAM of ‘stealing’ a ‘free’ parcel fron Amazon delivered by mistake but will happily pilger from a family member because, after all, he is a ‘cf’ !!!??

Store the toys for now. Let the dust settle. Your aunt has already lost a lot. Can you imagine having a child like this? It must be horrendous. You say she is a hoarder. It sounds as if she also may have undiagnosed mh issues too.

I'd also put them into a cupboard for a while. It would feel too mercenary to sell them now fir yourself and it may become apparent whether you should give the money to someone later on or keep it for your children.

I would be inclined to keep the toys. Put them in the attic and forget about them, if your kids won’t play with them. You have said your aunt would be upset if they are sold (at this stage at least) and you have no clear plan for what to do with the money anyway.

Why not keep them for a few years, as was intended, then sell them when your kids have ‘outgrown’ them? At that point your kids can use the money for something useful (uni, car, big trip etc).

With these things their value is only likely to increase, and you don’t have to deal with the guilt of selling something immediately after it has been given to you

They (aunt and SR) both venerate old things from childhood/nostalgia so the toys going to family is a lot easier than charity shop. This is also why the toys are in such good condition.
And you are going to sell them? If you’re not going to keep them, you should let your aunt know first. Say thank you, but the children aren’t really into them, and we’ve since discovered they’re worth £x, we’d like to sell them to buy x (saying you want the cash is grabby), and aren’t sure what to do.
She obviously thought they were going to a loving home to be played with. If aunt says sell and keep the money yourself, fine. Otherwise, give them back to her.
I think she may be hurt if you sell them.
What would you have done if they hadn’t been worth a lot? Would the kids have played with them then? Or would you have just binned them? (Although that would have been hurtful too.)

So you have a vulnerable relative who has MH issues to the point that they are in debt and being homeless, but you want to swindle cash from them?

These are treasured childhood possesions, it isn't your right to sell them.

You should be telling your Aunt and Relative (I refuse to call him sponging, he has MH conditions and its upto others to not enable him) and ask them what they want to do with them.

They were given to your children to play with, not sell on.

It's no different than people who have got free stuff and sold it on, except you're doing it to a vulnerable family member.

Tell aunt
Let her decide whether to sell or collect at her expense....

Yes, she gve them in good faith... But presumably given the debts, she didn't know their monetary value on the market.

You know the right thing to do

I don't think you should sell them and keep the money. I would speak to your aunt and inform her of their value so she can discuss it with SR.

Either give the proceeds to the aunt or to him to pay his creditors or direct to his creditors. End of. You don't keep it.
You'd think people wouldn't need to ask....

Sell them, they're your children's property now. It doesn't sound like SR deserves someone giving him a windfall, he needs to learn how to support himself and someone handing him £2000 isn't going to achieve that. Anyway, as you say he could have sold them for cash himself.

However much you (or others) feel your relative deserves it you absolutely should not personally profit from selling these toys.

It's dishonest and grabby.

Sadly the fact that you are even considering says a great deal about your moral compass, which by my (normal) standards says you couldn't care less about rights and wrongs if there's a chance you can benefit.

Morally you would be a terrible person if you did 1, surely you know that. He wouldn't have agreed to giving the toys to you if he knew they were worth that.

You don't need to get involved with his affairs. If the aunt is the one who is helping him sort his life out then tell her and she can then sort it out.

If they are a family heirloom type thing then maybe she'd prefer they were kept.

If you wanted to be nice you would tell them on his behalf and the aunt the money to use on something useful to get him back on his feet.

doesn't sound like SR deserves someone giving him a windfall, he needs to learn how to support himself and someone handing him £2000 isn't going to achieve that. Anyway, as you say he could have sold them for cash himself.
Wow. Vulnerable adult deserves a family member essentially ripping him off? Doesn’t deserve any the money or help to pay off his creditors? You sound nice.
Poor man was a hoarder, may have had no idea of value, also (like the aunt) placed value on nostalgia. Just as the aunt wanted these to stay in the family, so probably did he. I doubt either would have given them to the OP if they’d have known that the OP was going to sell them. It’s not like she picked up a bargain from a stranger at a boot fair that turned out to be worth a lot, she was given them in good faith, by family.

2

What makes me laugh is the MN moral highground where noone would DREAM of ‘stealing’ a ‘free’ parcel fron Amazon delivered by mistake but will happily pilger from a family member because, after all, he is a ‘cf’ !!!??

It's almost as if mumsnet has millions of different users with different opinions commenting on different threads.

I can't imagine profiting by selling items of sentimental value not just to SR but also to aunt. You are happy to judge SR on his morals but seem to be lacking yourself.

Do not give any money from the toys back to him.

If you can get some money for things that would help him, why wouldn’t you?
For the same reason that people are discouraged from giving cash to the homeless on the streets. Far better to look for something else useful to do with the cash.

To those suggesting OP just shoves the box of toys she never wanted in the first place in a cupboard, do you all have empty cupboards lying around?

I'm also intrigued by the suggestion that the relative has mh. How do we know this? When is someone a cf who uses and abuses friends and relations to fund his lifestyle and when are they a poor victim of mh who must be looked after?

I'm What DevilsAvocado said.

This man sounds as if he is not at all in a good state. People don't get themselves into this kind of position for fun. I think you're judging him in order to justify to yourself and us what you're about to do.

If he were your adult son, how would you want somebody in your position to deal with him?

If he were my adult son, and I found out you had accepted the toys and sold them to keep the money for yourself, I would despise you, frankly.

Sorry for first line - fusion of 'I'm with DA' and 'What DA said'

1. Pocket the cash and give it to my DC on some way like a holiday
2. Give it to the very skint SR
3. Give the cash to some of the people SR has sponged off.

I'm assuming a holiday 'for your children' would involve you going too? How lovely for you.

Seems to me like your SR isn't the only CF in your family.

If he were my adult son I wouldn't be offloading the toys pm someone who doesn't want them in the first place unless I really just wanted them out of the way and would be happy for them to do whatever they liked with them.

So you have a vulnerable relative who has MH issues to the point that they are in debt and being homeless, but you want to swindle cash from them?

Where does it say MH issues? I got the impression he was just and idle bastard. Someone who had DELIBERATELY defrauded people to fund disown "grasshopper" lifestyle.

*his own, not disown