Not everyone feels sorry for Mums of just boys or only children

[AlwaysFuckingTired]

Speaking to an acquaintance who mentioned feeling sorry for two of the women she works with in her office. One a Mum of 2 boys, and the other a Mum of one. Apparently she feels awkward as she thinks they're both jealous of her as she's a Mum of both sexes. I asked why she thought that, and she said "oh all women want a Daughter don't they? and everyone wants more than one" I said I've known lots of people happy with an only child or all boys, and she pulled an odd face as if she didn't believe me and said "well that's what people say"

AIBU to think she's a bit of a knob?

but the boys I work with do not seem to be motivated to hurt other individuals

And yet which sex, as adults, is the most violent and intimidating?

I didn't understand the covert rules of how to behave in a group of girls. I didn't share the same preoccupations.

And here you are hanging out on Mumsnet, which is predominantly a female site. We women must have something to offer, awful as we seemingly are.

@MiniTheMinx
Your post is absolutely laced with misogyny and I wonder if your experiences growing up and feeling like you don't fit in with other girls has shaped your view of females.I think the saddest bit of all is where you admit you believe you would feel disengaged and lacking as a mother to girls. I think you have some deep seated issues relating to your self worth and apparent belief that you are incompatible with girls/women. Obviously you imply later in your posts that females are intrinsically more flawed characters due to their dependence on emotional support so it could be possible that you genuinely just think that girls/women are inferior, but I honestly think there is something else going on here.

I asserted in my earlier posts that I don't think there is anything wrong with people having preferences and I do think that there are differences between the sexes at a population level so it's not like I'm someone that's inherently offended by you saying you have a preference for male children or think boys are different to girls. I honestly think though that it would be worth looking more deeply into why you have such a strong preference towards males and why your opinion of females is quite so low when you are one yourself. Do you think that you are the exception to the rule or do you also think you are inferior to men?

As I said earlier though, some 40+ years back, boys seemed to be preferred to girls, and I know many a woman of 45-50 (and older) now, who can tell a tale of how their mother preferred their brother. Boys were definitely favoured then. For some reason, this past 2 or 3 decades or so, it's turned around, and the desire now, is often for a daughter.

Could that perceived preference of the past been more to do with boys / men being raised to be bread-winners and girls / women being raised to be housewives? Which spills over into girls being raised to work around the house, boys not being and boys getting more pocket money to "treat' any girls they meet. Probably more a 50's attitude than a 70's but still.
Rather than an actual sex preference.

I think many women do have special bonds with their mum, lunches, shopping trips, spa days but likewise many men have special bonds with their Dads football, sports, pub etc. Is that more to do with gender stereotypes getting in the way?

Well I definitely don't want anymore children (I have just one) and he is a boy. I have no desire at all to have a girl! Maybe I am different lol.

I have 2 DDs and so many people said "oh, maybe next time" when I said that DC2 was a girl. Seriously! There is definitely some weird snobby thing amongst the parents I know that have one of each. It really doesn't matter. I hear the whole "but you're missing out on the experience of raising a boy" thing - I always say they are more than welcome to come round and watch my girls together. One is quiet and gentle, the other is an absolute hooligan that is experience enough for me!

Is this the thread where the women who hate women and girls hang out?

Sounds like it.

Op, she’s a knob.

Very happy with my 2 sons. Thank you very much. Stupid woman.

Hilarious to me as I so desperately wanted my baby to be a boy and would've cried had he been a girl. I have no idea why (I blame pregnancy hormones and this connection I felt with the fetus who I just felt was a boy, so much so I think I would've been disappointed to be wrong). If I were to have another I'd want another boy. I'd rather two of one sex than one of each personally.

I have two boys (teens) and the older they've got the overriding outcome is I'm so glad they've got siblings of the same gender. IME I do believe 'most' men would prefer a boy and women a girl if given the choice. When younger I would have liked a DD too, and there is tons of research to show that men are far more likely to leave the family unit if his offspring are solely female.

I never get this, all mums want daughters thing. We only have one and he’s a boy (your colleague should throw a pity party for me). Having seen the behaviour of the girls in DSs class compared with the boys I’m v grateful my only is a boy😀

I didn’t really mind what I had, although I did hope for two of the same because everyone I knew growing up tended to get on with their brother or sister of the same sex rather than the opposite. I’m an only child so didn’t have a sibling relationship to colour my feelings.

It’s interestjng though. I live in Australia and having two boys I have never had a single negative comment and I think boys tend to be favoured a little bit over here. I guess culturally it’s still a country which is a little bit old fashioned and slightly sexist in some ways but there’s way less concern about noisy boys having fun outdoors whereas when we come to the UK there are so many more boring rules like no scooters, and when my two are knee deep in a stream or covered in mud they do get the snooty glances by women and longing reminiscent looks by men! Over here we always get comments of “that looks like fun” or whatever which hardly ever happens in the UK.

Yanbu people are bloody weird.

Have a boy. Having a girl now and the approval you get is weird "perfect little family" haha we are a bunch of dysfunctional weirdos and new one is probably not going to break the mould but thanks anyway.

Theverywherebear

I get it... while I would obviously have loved any child regardless of sex, I would definitely have been disappointed if I had only boys (I have 2 DDs). I grew up in a female dominated extended family, have 3 sisters, went to an all girls school etc. so I just wouldn’t know what to do with boys! Plus there’s no denying boys are typically wilder than girls in the toddler stage - my friends sons are gorgeous, sweet, loving boys but they’re wirldwinds of noise and energy and I like a quiet house! (Not all boys obviously are like this and many girls are just as spirited but it’s noticeablely more prevalent in boys imo).

The stereotypical “boy” hobbies just don’t interest me so I would find it beyond boring standing at the side of a football pitch all weekend for example. It’s just a preference, but it is very rude to voice it irl.

I can remember how it felt when I was pregnant and realised DS was going to be a boy - I was a bit disappointed, which seems crazy to me now. I think in my head, I was thinking a girl would be a bit easier, and it's true that when he was very little, he was probably more boisterous, demanding and just HUNGRY than the baby girls we knew.

But I loved that life force in him from the start, and always thought he was perfect, even when my friend would say, repeatedly, "He's a nightmare, I'm so glad I had a daughter."

Anyway, he turned out to be sensitive, beautiful and very well-behaved.
I'm aware that people with several kids probably feel sorry for me, but there are a lot of advantages to having an only, so I try just to brush their shitty pity comments off

@DontDribbleOnTheCarpet that was a lovely post about your sons, and sorry for the loss of your daughter

I think it’s fine to have preferences for your own child @Prefer - it’s just weird if people express these to other people.

And I agree - for me, I much prefer doing things like sport, outdoor stuff etc. Shopping and girly things don’t interest me at all. But equally if my two boys turn out to love spa days I will be very happy to tag along as it’s their company I like.

Both my boys are a whirlwind of energy and I love that about them - equally I never think of them as “typical boys” as I have no idea what that means.

Between the two of them, their hobbies include tennis, football, swimming, musical theatre, violin, hip hop and jazz dance class and chess. Nothing in there would make me think “boy” or “girl” hobbies - they are just hobbies in my mind.

Wow. That’s some first class misogyny MiniTheMinx. Do you hate yourself or is it just other women that are beneath contempt?

I was single mum to an only child boy which I loved. However I did worry very much about him having no proper male role models.
Even now he is an adult and living with his long term wife he isn't bothered about having male friends which does concern me a little, but he's happy so I suppose that's all that matters.

Madcat, there are a couple of boys from my Ds’s old Primary school who much prefer the company of girls. They have mates but they are closer to their girl mates. They have Mum & Dad both at home.

Thanks for that Rock. you are never sure if you have done the right thing!

TheDowagerCuntess,
"And yet which sex as adults is the most violent and intimidating?"

I agree, which is why I mentioned it. I find this puzzling.

I do not have an issue with being female or being a woman. I see very clearly the structural inequalities women face, the misogyny, and the standards to which women are subjugated.

I have a few very close female friends who I get on with very well. However I struggled to play the gender typical games with girls as a child. I had no interest in nurturing type play, and preferred making camps, building fires, and climbing trees. Instead of pink and dolls, and prams and dustpans I had cars, mechano, Lego and computer/electronic games. I have found, just as I did as a teenager that women discuss personal relational issues and people, men tend to talk about 'things'

Having said my preference was to have boys I find myself allocated to work most closely with teenage girls. I work with self harm, psychosis, personality disorder, and traumatised girls. The presenting behaviours of girls and boys is quite different. Although I didn't naturally have the empathy, understanding of social rules or an affinity with girls born out of my early life experiences and socialisation, (my mother was fiercely feminist) I have had to work at understanding. It may well be that I work well with these girls precisely because I have had to learn, apply effort and willingness to understand. Understanding behaviour and it's causes doesn't necessarily prepare you for the degree to which the socialised stereotypical nurturing behaviour and focus on personal relational issues for girls then plays out as targeted violence and manipulation towards other girls. And the cause of this ultimately is probably woven in with the lack of social power that women have. The whole thing is puzzling to me.

But I always wanted boys. Ultimately i didn't want a girl to go through life struggling with the inequalities we face, and I didn't think I could empathise with the personal, social relational issues she'd encounter. My feeling is that I wouldn't have the natural intuitive understanding of these issues to support her. As an example my father's response to countering bullying girls in school was to teach me to box. My mother's response was 'ignore them.'

My own boys have never come home having been bullied by other boys, they have never said anything remotely unpleasant about their friends, and never instigated a "she said, you said, they said" conversation. I deal with this daily at work.

So weird that people actually think:
girl = spas
boys = football.
So glad no one I know in rl comes out with such crap.

Some people are so odd.

I have one of each sex, first a boy and we didn't find out the sex of second DC as it truly didn't matter, if anything I was more leaning towards another boy as I felt like I just "got" boys better and thought having brothers would be lovely.

DD was born and I am always getting comments on how clever and lucky we are having one of each, or people in my pregnancy asking if I was hoping for a girl this time

Mum of one (a son) and done. Love him to bits, couldn’t be happier.

Don’t worry what your workmate thinks. Focus on what you know to be true