I can't bare to sleep with my husband

[smiler0206]

We have been married for 10 years and have 2 beautiful daughter's but I can't take it much more, I'm shattered as my DH sleeps like a log every night only its diagonally across the bed, leaving me only the top corner to curl up in a ball and hope for the best, he also rolls up like a sausage roll in the duvet. Im getting so frustrated, i cant remember the last time i had a good nights sleep I'm waking in the night constantly and end up giving up and just get out of bed around 4am then that's me up for the day and im worn out, ive also suffered with terrible back pain for the last 6 yrs, have had scans and nothing has been detected but im starting to think its the sleeping situation thats causing it. Ive made a few comments about it to my husband and he laughs about it but i havent told him that its all night every night as i dont want him to feel bad as there isnt much he can do if hes fast asleep, our bedroom isn't big enough for a kingsize bed. Im at the end of my tether. Any suggestions??

I've been single for six years now, and no way will I ever be happy sharing my bed again. I love stretching out and having a bed all to myself way too much.

I also generate an enormous amount of heat during the night, and the thought of sharing a bed with another hot, sweaty human does not appeal to me. Apart from the 'other' stuff one does in bed, if I'm in another relationship again I think I may have to insist on separate beds.

There are so many families out there with weird sleeping arrangements, shift workers with an extra bed for strange sleeping patterns and people who love each other but need their own space to sleep. I don't know why it's so taboo! As long as everyone gets sleep surely that it's the main objective?

@Oakenbeach

Indeed.. It’s a peculiar cultural expectation that being in strong relationship, especially a married one, means sharing a bed.

I know. And I don't understand why. As I said further back, I find it a very outdated custom now, and when you come onto these threads, the majority of women on them, admit they sleep in separate rooms to their husband, OR they don't, but they wish they did.

As I said earlier, it's ridiculous and unreasonable to be expected to try and get a decent night's sleep in a 4 ft X 6 ft space - for EIGHT HOURS - with another fully grown adult, sweating, grunting, farting, rolling around, and snoring like a buffalo. You have different body temperatures, different sleeping habits, and at LEAST one of you will be a heavy snorer (usually the man.)

Women seem to have no issue at ALL with having a separate room.... indeed they seem to LOVE the idea. Yet men seem very arsey about it.

My DH did not like it one BIT when I said I am having my own room (after 4-5 years of struggling to sleep because of his snoring,) as he took it as a personal slur against him. I told him he needs to suck it up because I NEED TO SLEEP.

He got over it quite quickly, and actually started to enjoy having his own room too. Over a decade later, we are fully used to it, but he would never ever ever admit we sleep apart to anyone else. Too scared about what people think, or that HE will be seen as a failure.

Most odd! Especially as we have a good marriage, a good relationship, and a perfectly decent sex life!

Having a king or super king bed would not cut the mustard, as I would still be kept awake by his snoring. Separate rooms all the way!

I would also recommend the IKEA day bed for your spare room.The base slides out easily into a double bed,get the better matresses,You have 3 big drawers which easily store a double duvet and pillows in 2drawers do it be to spare.I use a big fleece blanket to cover in the day.
Have that talk and then some good night's sleep.

Umm sleep in another room?

OP - I do understand your fear about somehow "damaging" your relationship by sleeping in a separate bedroom and it still seems a bit taboo to mention even these days, especially since we haven't been married more than 5 years, mid-thirties. The funny thing is though that when I have opened up to a few friends and been honest about how much better my sleep and therefore my health and my marriage is due to us sleeping apart, I have been surprised to learn that my friends are either doing something similar or desperately wish they could! I think there are many more women quietly realising that sleep is important enough to start being a bit more selfish about it (as we should).

I know it feels like you shouldn't.. But you should..! I second the ikea day bed, it's really great and easy to set up (once constructed that was not so great took ages) Where I live it's also duvet for each and also double beds with a mattress each.. But.. Tho it helps.. It doesn't beat that lovely sinking into sleep feeling.. And staying that way.. It's already amazing you have been so calm on so little proper sleep.. Just set up the other room with the bed in corner.. It will be worth it.. Am currently in pre menopause and any sleep I can get I need.. Cuddle up first.. but then....of you go.. Or him if he s feeling bad about it.. Good luck

Thanks all. Last night Spoke to my husband about how much of a problem this is getting and told him I'm thinking of getting a bed for playroom. And he felt really bad and had no idea of his sleeping habits every night but happy to say that i took an extra blanket to bed and he slept vertically all night last night. I had the best sleep that I've had in years and he even got up with the girls this morning and left me to stay in bed. Feel so much better already for having a full nights sleep

Seventh and Tooka I had the IKEA day bed and found it too chunky looking and feeling for a spare smaller room even though it fit the space, and there was room for the wardrobe and chest of drawers etc - I'd measured everything so it wasn't that it didn't fit the room, it did, but it just sort of took over the room. I think it was the high solid sides. Also the standard mattress (no springs) I didn't get on with at all, it was like a futon mattress (great if you like futons though I guess!). The children seemed to knock themselves on the high sides a lot (although they were more toddler/young children age then). It was a very big, very heavy piece of furniture.

Looking back I'd have gone for the white metal pretty looking one with boxes underneath as it's daintier, and a better mattress with springs. Just a thought especially as this one would be for a play room not just a spare room.

Hell is a double bed. (Which are anything but "double" in reality.)

@Rainbunny

OP - I do understand your fear about somehow "damaging" your relationship by sleeping in a separate bedroom and it still seems a bit taboo to mention even these days, especially since we haven't been married more than 5 years, mid-thirties. The funny thing is though that when I have opened up to a few friends and been honest about how much better my sleep and therefore my health and my marriage is due to us sleeping apart, I have been surprised to learn that my friends are either doing something similar or desperately wish they could! I think there are many more women quietly realising that sleep is important enough to start being a bit more selfish about it (as we should.)

This X 100. And I also believe that deep down, many women would LOVE a separate bedroom! (If they don't have one already...)

Sleeping apart from your spouse is still a taboo subject, and I really don't know why. I know older relatives (born before the 1960's) who think it's shocking for a married couple to sleep in different beds (they also think it's shocking for a NON married couple to sleep in the same bed!)

There is this assumption that you have problems in your marriage, you don't have sex anymore, there is no intimacy anymore etc etc... If anything, when you sleep in separate rooms, and are getting good sleep and rest, the relationship is better. How can you possibly find a spouse attractive and appealing intimately, when they keep you awake all night with their snoring and rolling around and farting and grunting? Very sexy. NOT!

I know several couples (over 70,) who sleep together in the same bed, and the husband snores like a bloody kango hammer, and the wife complains every single day about it, yet refuses to sleep in one of their THREE spare bedrooms because that's not what married couples should do.....

Batshit.

It's time this daft taboo was consigned to the history books where it belongs. I LOVE my bedroom. I can sleep blissfully for 8-10 hours straight through, I can read several chapters of my book, I can watch a netflix show on my laptop - all in peace, on my own, and in my own snuggly bed, then go to sleep when I want.

As I said earlier, me and DH have a perfectly happy marriage, a decent sex life, and a close relationship. If anything, having separate bedrooms has improved our relationship, because we are both so well rested, and have our own space. I do actually find myself feeling a bit sorry for women who have to share a bed with their husband. I would literally not be able to do it now. Ever. Not after more than a decade of having my own bed (and bedroom!)

@Smiler0206

Thanks all. Last night I spoke to my husband about how much of a problem this is getting and told him I'm thinking of getting a bed for playroom. And he felt really bad and had no idea of his sleeping habits every night but happy to say that i took an extra blanket to bed and he slept vertically all night last night. I had the best sleep that I've had in years and he even got up with the girls this morning and left me to stay in bed. Feel so much better already for having a full nights sleep.

GOOD FOR YOU!

funny how being told how bad it was he automatically didnt move all night

He probably didn't move all night because he stayed awake, in the hope the OP could get some sleep.

I said good for you, because she has said she is getting a bed in the spare room for herself.

Actually he probably was completely able to not sleep diagonally, but did because the OP had never told him how bad it was, so he carried on doing as he liked without considering her. I wonder if he was really asleep when he shuffled around to lie diagonally. Glad that you got a good nights sleep OP.

Glad last night waqs better. We had two separate mattresses zipped and linked and two separate duvets and I had ear plugs for his snoring. Despite that every day since the divorce is like Christmas being able to sleep entirely alone!

I sleep on my tummy with the duvet pulled round me and no pillow.

My parents had separate twin beds all their married life.

The Queen and her husband have always had separate rooms.

Might sound weird, but is there any possibility of moving the orientation of the bed so that the pillows are in the place where his head normally ends up? I always find it difficult to sleep if a bed is set up in the "wrong" direction (IYSWIM)

Are any of the other rooms, playroom, kids room, bigger than your bedroom so you could swap rooms and have single beds?

He sleeps in a sleeping bag that is anchored from the corners to the bed frame or legs?

Make the bed up so that the top sheet (a double) is tied / taped to the outside of the bed, he lies on that half, then the sheet folds over him, with the seam down the middle of the bed, and those corners are attached to the bed legs? So that he is trapped on one side of the bed by the sleeping bag or sheet being anchored.

Put a ‘day bed ‘ in the playroom. Leave it made up with a cover over it, go there after your bed time chats.

I know several couples (over 70,) who sleep together in the same bed, and the husband snores like a bloody kango hammer, and the wife complains every single day about it, yet refuses to sleep in one of their THREE spare bedrooms because that's not what married couples should do

That's my parents. 50+ years of marriage and they can't stand each other. (Well mum can't stand dad and should have left him decades ago).

Actually he probably was completely able to not sleep diagonally, but did because the OP had never told him how bad it was, so he carried on doing as he liked without considering her.

Yes. Funny how once she threatens to sleep elsewhere he suddenly develops some self control and stops his nocturnal manspreading.

Funny how once she threatens to sleep elsewhere he suddenly develops some self control

Yeah it's really funny how if someone has a problem and then shares that problem, the other person can do something about it rather than be a mind reader

Barbara, I don't think you have to be a mind reader to know that if you sleep diagonally across a bed, anyone sharing with you will be forced into a corner. It's basic logic, combined with a modicum of empathy.

I'd give them the benefit of the doubt. Some people are really dense or unaware of physical stuff like that. If they do it after you've told them it's annoying, then there's a problem.

they shouldn't have to suffer as well and you don't want to keep waking him up..

Why are you putting your welfare and mental health at the bottom of the list of priorities.

Does he realise that he is taking away your sleep? What does he plan to do about it? If he is not interested in finding a solution that works for both of you, i would absolutely wake him up each and every time until you can work out a solution together.

Don't martyr yourself , @smiler0206 , especially not for the sake of your marriage. Your feelings count too, and you should be telling him how it impacts you and he should be listening. What would you say to a daughter, to told you that she wan't getting any sleep in this situation?

OMG @MirriVan that pair of beds with the staircase is BRILLIANT! I love it. 😍

No good for me as I would STILL hear my sealion of a hubby snoring for England, but it's very cool! 😎

Sleeping in separate rooms is great, everyone should do it if they can.