I can't bare to sleep with my husband

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We have been married for 10 years and have 2 beautiful daughter's but I can't take it much more, I'm shattered as my DH sleeps like a log every night only its diagonally across the bed, leaving me only the top corner to curl up in a ball and hope for the best, he also rolls up like a sausage roll in the duvet. Im getting so frustrated, i cant remember the last time i had a good nights sleep I'm waking in the night constantly and end up giving up and just get out of bed around 4am then that's me up for the day and im worn out, ive also suffered with terrible back pain for the last 6 yrs, have had scans and nothing has been detected but im starting to think its the sleeping situation thats causing it. Ive made a few comments about it to my husband and he laughs about it but i havent told him that its all night every night as i dont want him to feel bad as there isnt much he can do if hes fast asleep, our bedroom isn't big enough for a kingsize bed. Im at the end of my tether. Any suggestions??

You're being a martyr. You have to speak to him about it seriously, and you have to wake him everytime - it's the only way he'll learn new habits.

Currently he may not know how badly it's affecting you, and he's not motivated to change his ways - people can learn new sleeping habits.

If not, then buy two good single beds and push them close together, but not so close it's comfortable to lie over the two.

I think sleeping separately will save your marriage, you could even get those sort of bunks which have a double at the bottom for talking cuddling etc then you go to the top one with your own duvet to sleep

or at least 2 double duvets so can;t duvet hog; and when you make bed they are on top of each other so still look tidy, if you go to scandinavia all double beds have 2 duvets also you can get different togs to each other as well

no-one is a mind reader especially when they are asleep so if you don't tell him how bad it is night after night he won't know, he can't guess if you just give him a nudge now and then;

I think you need a new bed for you with good mattress for your back

Omg.

Seriously.

You won’t be honest about it because you’re worried about his feelings???

But you’re not sleeping!!!

Here- have a grip.

Bloody hell, woman. You really need to stop putting yourself last.

Well, either that, or you could just shut up about everything that's bothering you to spare other people's feelings/allow them to laugh at your problems/prioritise luxuries for your children over bare necessities for yourself (like good quality sleep) and take responsibility for everything that isn't your fault (i.e. worrying that sleeping separately will cause problems when it's actually your DHs sleeping behaviour that's the problem...)

...And then wait to explode into a massive rage one day when the straw breaks the camel's back.

The rolling up in the duvet problem is easily solved: have separate duvets.

I don't understand why you have not told your husband how badly you are being affected? The combination of back pain & lack of sleep you are suffering needs addressing very seriously and he must be part of finding a solution. Why can't the spare room be your bedroom at night and a playroom by day?

Exhaustion & back pain will adversely affect your marriage much more than sleeping in separate rooms!

Me and DH have separate rooms for this very reason. He's a terrible sleeper who tosses and turns and likes to watch tv before and while he goes to sleep. I sleep like a log and snore and need quiet going asleep. It's made things easier with DS as we took it turns to have him in our rooms meaning I got a solid nights sleep every other night, literally saved my sanity.
We still sit in bed each night and chat but then we pop off to our own rooms to sleep.
Your best bet is a day bed in the playroom!

Then you get a day bed for the playroom or a futon and sleep there. That's not on. I also have a wriggler and he tends to rollup in the duvet - so I have my own duvet. I roll up in it and he can have the other one. It seems daft but it's a solution to duvet grabbers.

So don't sleep with him, get separate beds.

How big is your bed OP? Is there enough room to fit a superking in there? Definitely get separate duvets!

As for not taking away your DC's playroom, is there room for a small daybed type thing in that room, your DC won't be using the room at night anyway and even if you have to get up early every morning to let them play in teher it has to better than sleep deprivation and back issues!

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Ffs if you don't get enough sleep you'll die. So it matters.

Look after yourself. Tell him to sleep on a sofa bed or in the spare room!

I've never heard anything like it.

Me and my DH have slept in seperate rooms for ages. He snores and falls asleep in seconds so i can never get to sleep before him. He also wakes at 6am every morning without fail. He likes a warm room - I have to sleep with the window open all year round.

I won't deny that there have been negatives to it. But the positives have far outweighed them.

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Not very helpful but maybe a queensize bed would help?
(6'6"X6'6")

I can't believe you have put up with it so long, I don't think you've got anything to lose, i'd pummel him every time he started to act up - he'll probably learn quickly and you'd be totally justified!

Don't 'sleep' together here, OH snores and I'm a restless sleeper, we both get overheated during the night even with a light 4.5 tog duvet.

I've been in spare room for a year - it has been delightful, full 8 hrs sleep! Fuck the suffering of broken sleep just because it is the done thing to share a bed.

Just shopping sofa beds online now, for the playroom. Thanks all

I suppose but I'm worried that sleeping separately might impact on our marriage

Well so is the current situation. Why is he sleeping diagonally? Is it because it gives him more room? Because the bed is too short for him? I can only sleep east-west. If you put me in a north-south bed, or indeed any bed of any orientation I will wake up east-west. Whenever I move to a new place I have to orient my bed appropriately. Yes I know it's fucking weird, but that sense of direction is handy.

If you can work out why he's doing it you might be able to find a solution. But you do need to tell him because you cannot go on like this.

I have a super king sized bed which helped a similar problem (we had standard double before), however could you fit another small bed in your room? One with an orthopaedic mattress. Or else swap your bed for a 4ft and a 3ft. You'd still be able to converse but have a decent night's sleep. Don't leave it too long.

larger bed (or 2 single beds pushed together) and definitly definitly separate duvets.
if that doesn't work, sleep in separate room!

Why would you not talk to him about it? Wouldn't he want to find a solution, if he knew it was affecting you so much?

Why don't people just talk to their partners??

Sorry but actually most people learn to be careful when they are sleeping with someone else to keep to their side of the bed.
He isn’t 10yo anymore, he should have learnt that.
For me, the nit been careful in the night is at the same level than not hear8ng a baby cry in the middle of the night. It’s a choice.

Maybe it’s time to talk to him and stop feeling responsible that he might befell bad about it.
There is no way someone should have bad night after bad night because their H is taking the whole bed off. Laughing it off when you mentions you struggle to sleep at night because he takes the whole bed for himself isn’t acceptable.

Talk to him. Make your dilemma clear. Tell him he WILL sleep in the spare bedroom if he carries on. With the toys around him.

But dontbsttle for having no sleep, and serious backpain because hemight be feeling guilty.

Don't get a sofa bed. They tend to be not great to lie on and a pain to make and put away daily. Go for a daybed with a large draw underneath to put your duvet in during the daytime and use some cushions to make it into a sofa during the day.

Can you get a day bed for the playroom/spare bedroom? I bet the girls would like it too. If you get the white metal frame type one it will look pretty and you can store toys in boxes underneath. (invest in a decent mattress with springs for it though, the cheap ones without springs are really really uncomfortable).

So many of us out there. I often sleep in another room - even his breathing wakes me up. DH goes to bed later than me, sometimes snores and sometimes sleeps diagonally (years of working abroad and having a hotel bed to himself!) but I get up at 6ish for work and am so much better if I've slept properly. Irritates me beyond belief. I teach - grumpy teacher is not ideal!!

We've been together 35 years. Didn't irritate me for the first few years but am beyond being nice now!!

I suppose but I'm worried that sleeping separately might impact on our marriage

It really doesn't. I have my own bedroom and us both getting a decent night's sleep means we get in better than me wanting to kill him like I did before the CPAP.

You can still cuddle before sleep, just one of you leaves the bed when it's time. Or you can get 2 single beds and stay in the same room. You don't have to put up with a bad back and little sleep just to spare his feelings. There are solutions out there.