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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

‘Popular’ (mean) people from school working in salons...

383 replies

Stubbornuincorn · 22/11/2018 19:52

Not really an AIBU more of a wondering if this happens to anyone else!

I’ve returned to where I grew up and went to school, and I keep finding that the people working in spas/hair salons etc are annoyingly often the ‘popular’ girls that were horrible to me when we were at school.

Recent examples are having to have my hair washed by a girl that used to make fun of me during P.E (literally dreaded PE because of it) and having a sodding full body massage from a really chavvy girl who used to really intimidate me. Even though I’m an adult now I find it really uncomfortable!!

Has this happened to anyone else?

OP posts:
TheMagician · 22/11/2018 22:08

I never bullied anybody at school but I did work in a nursing home! I didn't know it was where mean girls ended up. I probably earn less in my respectable job than well tipped salonistas I suspect.

Aquilla · 22/11/2018 22:09

Sugarsnow your earlier comment was extremely cringey in the worst Mumsnet way.

SapphireSeptember · 22/11/2018 22:09

BillLee That's a nasty post. Yes boys can be bullied by girls, they don't ''let' themselves. Hmm Victim blaming much?

I have no idea what any of the people who bullied me are doing except for one, and she wasn't the worst (she has a little girl now and seems to be a nice person from what my mum says.) I had my suspicions that the boys who used to beat me up at school would end up being abusive to their partners, and if that's the case I hope they're doing time. That would cause me no end of glee! Being bullied at school nearly broke me, that I am still alive is a fucking miracle!
Although I ended up working in supermarket cafe after moving to be with my then fiance (and now STBEXH.)

TheMagician · 22/11/2018 22:10

There isn't any point berating oneself. All of the great philosophers agree on that surely. If you have reflected and seen that you were acting out of your shadow to go jungian for a moment, but you have since grown, learnt, matured and are now living more consciously then there is nothing to be gained by flagellating oneself over the past.

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 22/11/2018 22:14

That's true Magician but surely even just a tiny scrap of remorse would be appropriate. Something that the self-confessed bullies on this thread don't seem to have.

LJdorothy · 22/11/2018 22:15

This is a horrible thread and the attitude towards people who work in retail and service industries shown is appalling. I am not minimising the impact of people's experiences as children but bitterness and vindictiveness are unhealthy and result in situations which look very much like bullying to me...that cat story shows a real lack of empathy.
I was bullied by a girl at high school but now I'm an adult I recognise she was a troubled teenager and wouldn't waste a second of my life wishing her ill. It's ridiculous to say people don't change from childhood to adulthood.Of course they do. Many of us will have said and done things as teenagers which shame us to remember and we would apologise for if we could go back in time.

mycatplotsdeath · 22/11/2018 22:15

I was bullied to the point of an overdose as a teenager.
My crime was being the poor smelly kid.
I was contacted via fb messenger a few years ago by the Queen bitch.
She sent a gushing apology and was dealing with her son now being bullied ect ect

I know it was wrong of me but my reply was karma is a bitch and you reap what you sow.
She still tried to add me as a friend.
She doesn't deserve a place in my life or thoughts anymore

anothernameagain000 · 22/11/2018 22:20

but bitterness and vindictiveness are unhealthy and result in situations which look very much like bullying to me

I couldn’t agree more. I’m finding the lack of self awareness gobsmacking.

TheMagician · 22/11/2018 22:21

People give freely what they receive freely and they only defend what they feel is vulnerable. And that is what I will say to the ADULT woman who did everything she could to exclude me, ignore me and manipulate the social dynamics to exclude me at work (until, thank goodness, she left)/

eloliphant · 22/11/2018 22:23

YABU to use the term " chavvy "

DistanceCall · 22/11/2018 22:23

but bitterness and vindictiveness are unhealthy and result in situations which look very much like bullying to me

Because reminding someone that they behaved horribly in the past is exactly the same as being driven to self-harm through harassment. Of course it is.

MadeleineMaxwell · 22/11/2018 22:27

I couldn’t agree more. I’m finding the lack of self awareness gobsmacking.

I think there's a massive difference between active physical and/or verbal aggression and passive schadenfreude.

Nobody on this thread has hunted down their childhood bullies and doggedly made their lives a misery as some kind of revenge. They've reacted in various ways to chance meetings or sightings. Those berating them are essentially disapproving of internal thoughts and feelings and one or two verbal confrontations between adults.

LJdorothy · 22/11/2018 22:28

But I didn't say that did I? You can tell someone that they hurt you. But sneering at their profession, their home, their troubles? Is that not bullying behaviour?

WinterfellWench · 22/11/2018 22:28

@maisypops

@DaphneDiligaf

Many people I went to school with are in the same area. I live in the area I grew up in. Like many others I moved away and then came back to set up home. It's a bit rude to assume people haven't moved on because they've chosen to live in an area they like.

Some of my friends are spending £1,000-1,500 a month on renting a box in London and doing the city living thing still. It started as a year or two after uni and they've stayed. I've a good job, a house in a nice area, my mortgage is a fraction of that. Neither choice is better or worse.

I agree with this. There is always one isn't there, who assumes that people who stay in their home town are some kind of loser or failure . Hmm

Just coz someone has moved 100s of miles from home (even 1000's,) that doesn't mean they are any better, or any more successful, or that their life is anymore exciting than those who now live 3 miles from their parents, and work 5 miles from where they grew up. And it certainly doesn't mean they are any happier.

Many people travel, and have holidays, and a good social life, and great hobbies, and rich and rewarding careers without moving 100's (or 1000's) of miles away. (And in fact, stay near where they grew up!)

Conversely I know a few people who shell out half their wages to live in London - just to say they live there, and don't have a pot to piss in. They are so poor that they rarely travel back home because they can't afford the train fare. Not everyone who lives there earns £100K a year! (Though many people on mumsnet claim to!)

I also know several 20-something people who live in the midlands and Cheshire who are on £40-50K, in middle management and who have a 4 bed detached home that they paid £275K - £350K for. (You wouldn't get a broom cupboard for that in London,) or anywhere else down south! They also travel abroad extensively, and have great social lives and successful and rewarding careers. So moving away doesn't always equal 'exciting, vibrant life,' and staying in your home town doesn't always equal 'backward and stunted.'

Re the bitchy bullies at school, I agree with a pp @serialweightwatcher

As for saying 'they are adults now...' I think generally childhood bullies turn into adult bullies ... it's hard to imagine a child who makes someone's (or many people's) lives hell just being a nice, decent human being when they are older .. those traits aren't silly pranks, they are vicious and nasty and without empathy and don't just go away like they never existed.

The worst, and vilest childhood/school bullies I knew at school, went on to be horrible bastards in adulthood. They didn't hit 18, and then suddenly become sweet fluffy angels. And the girls who were quiet and studious, and also the girls who were bullied, didn't turn into bullies at 18. They all generally stayed the same.

The worst bitches in the school gate mafia (who were in their late 20's to mid 30's) were bullies at school. Their kids are often bullies too.

And despite the virtue signalling from some, and saying it's 'mean and nasty' to be smug and 'look down' on peoples jobs. Maybe that is true. However, if someone was an utter thundercunt to you for years at school, and near enough ruined your school life, affected your grades, and affected your confidence and self esteem, it is more than reasonable to feel smug and glad if you are now successful in your life, relationships, friendships, and career, and everything of theirs is shit.

TheMagician · 22/11/2018 22:29

Sending email responses along the lines of ''karma's a bitch'' when somebody (even the person who bullied you) tells you that their child is being bullied is sad though. Sad to read it because on one level you're glad that she's feeling pain even though it's because a child is being bullied.

MadameButterface · 22/11/2018 22:29

“This is a horrible thread and the attitude towards people who work in retail and service industries shown is appalling. I am not minimising the impact of people's experiences as children but bitterness and vindictiveness are unhealthy and result in situations which look very much like bullying to me.”

Absolutely agree

I was bullied at school. Now i work in a salon. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Oh no the worst of both worlds. Yes my reward was to do one of those jobs that people regularly trot out on here as being shit, for thick poor people etc. I guess i should make something up about sipping champagne or something to give me my triumphal ha ha in your face moment idk Hmm

Frequency · 22/11/2018 22:29

Because reminding someone that they behaved horribly in the past is exactly the same as being driven to self-harm through harassment. Of course it is

No, it's not the same but sneering at entire section of society isn't massively removed from the behaviour of a bully is it?

My daughter was bullied relentlessly and suffers with extreme social anxiety, depression, disordered eating, panic attacks, self-harm and suicidal thoughts as a result.

As much as I don't have any goodwill towards the ringleader I wouldn't sneer at her for spending three plus years in college/apprenticeship to become a hairdresser/beautician or breaking her back doing care work because that would make me a judgemental twat.

Glasshalffull99 · 22/11/2018 22:30

@sugarsnow thank you. But honestly, I admitted it to myself a long time ago. I was a victim too, but that didn't excuse my awful behaviour. Instead of harming myself I harmed other people. I didn't understand what was happening to me and I needed someone to blame. That was the top and bottom of it.
I'm a good person with a big heart and anyone who knows me now would say that.
However if someone pulled me for being awful to them my simple response would be.
Yes I was, I was horrendous. I'm sorry for that but I can't live my life feeling shitty about it because that's not who I am. You shouldn't live your life feeling shitty about it either because nothing I did or said was about you. It was all about me.
Then I'd leave them be and forget it.
It does nothing for anyone to hold on to hate.
I know what they are feeling because I've felt it.

mycatplotsdeath · 22/11/2018 22:30

I am not glad her child was being bullied.
I'm glad she realises her actions caused pain.

MadameButterface · 22/11/2018 22:32

“Those berating them are essentially disapproving of internal thoughts and feelings and one or two verbal confrontations between adults.”

Well i think it is dickish to look down on people for being on a low income, or overweight the same as i think it is dickish to think racist things about people. Even if those things never make it out of your mouth, it still makes you a shitty person tbh and people are kidding themselves if they think supercilious attitudes like that never manifest in their words or actions.

mycatplotsdeath · 22/11/2018 22:32

I also don't even feel hate for her. I act feel nothing for her or anyone associated with her.

Jeanclaudejackety · 22/11/2018 22:33

This reply has been deleted

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mycatplotsdeath · 22/11/2018 22:34

And that's why they would look down on you

anothernameagain000 · 22/11/2018 22:35

As an aside - don’t salon workers often topthe polls for the happiest workers/professions?

mycatplotsdeath · 22/11/2018 22:36

Not the people I know that work in one.
They hate it