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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask what makes a child or teenager ‘popular?’

178 replies

borednostalgia · 21/11/2018 15:39

I’ve always been really curious as DD1 (year 10) has always been part of a popular, well liked group of friends since year 1 ish but to a lesser degree until they turned 11/12. She’s a lovely girl in general but can be very hard to get along with as she likes to take control and can be rather mean to the less outgoing types of people. Whereas DS (year 12) and DD2 (year 8) are much more generally nice to everyone but have never really fitted in with the ‘popular’, well liked people. This is find odd and was just wondering why the popular groups are popular when they have many, many flaws.

OP posts:
MarcieBluebell · 21/11/2018 21:46

for some people the peak of their life is when they're 14. All downhill from there....

I hate this cliche.

arethereanyleftatall · 21/11/2018 22:03

I agree with others that 'popular' is the wrong word for this group of people. Others pretend to like them, because it's cool to do so, but don't really.

massistar · 21/11/2018 22:19

That's my DS to a tee MaisyPops and Tiger. Drives us to distraction cos he's a minimum effort kind of kid who could achieve loads more but he's missing the edge. Not a bad thing!

Whodidit · 21/11/2018 22:25

In my experience , it is the girls who are horrid and controlling, those girls who other girls are afraid to upset that make the popular league . I speak as a mother and a teacher of teens . When I was going to school, it was the lovely , kind, all encompassing girls who were thenpooular ones but I see a huge sea change .. these girls
Normally find their own type in uni where they are a small fish in a big pond and don’t get away with being nasty through a veil of niceness , and meet their match . The popular boys in my experience are kind, non sexist, handsome and sporty .

massistar · 21/11/2018 22:42

Yeah. Can't say I'm looking forward to 9 year old DD going to high school. :( She's also very confident and has lots of friends but is exceptionally strong willed and doesn't know how to compromise. Could be tough.

Hatethewordhun · 21/11/2018 23:16

I think it's confidence too, my eldest was very shy and self-conscious and just had a few friends! My youngest, is always messing about, would do anything for a laugh, he's kind and caring but he genuinely doesn't give a shit what people think! His tutor told me one parents evening that he's 'insanely popular'

Diddlysquats · 22/11/2018 01:00

Wow the meanies were out today. The ones with the unpopular kids. Possibly because bleep

HJWT · 22/11/2018 01:29

I was a 'popular' kid in school, loud mouth, outgoing class clown, ready to party at weekends, had a fake ID , but I also always stuck up for people that were bullied and because I was tall and slightly fat everyone seemed to be scared of me 😂

Ghanagirl · 22/11/2018 05:36

@TinklyLittleLaugh
You’ve described a Netflix movie😆😆

Ghanagirl · 22/11/2018 05:54

@MarcieBluebell
Why? Does it reflect your life.
I’ve found it to be true for me all the so called “popular kids” remain in hometown look old enough to be my mother and haven’t amounted to much.
Whereas I live in a large house in London married to fabulous husband with 2 DC.
I’m always telling DD that having a small group of real friends beats being popular for the wrong reasons!

Mummadeeze · 22/11/2018 06:02

It is interesting, my daughter is v pretty but is a bit eccentric and very kind hearted. The popular cliques think she is a bit weird by her own admission. No one is mean to her as far as I know but she doesn’t seem to care or want to befriend them anyway. She seeks out like minded kids whereever she goes and finds them. She always forms a little group of other eccentric, creative friends and is totally satisfied with that. And she would rather play or sit on her own I think than try to fit in with friends she doesn’t fit in with. I admire that in many ways. I am polar opposite to her and was obsessed with being liked and being popular and it makes me unhappy sometimes still. Finding like minded friends isn’t enough for me, I want everyone to like me and I am prone to attention seeking (although I do try not to). I was in the popular groups at school, which was a lot to do with being good looking but I always had a funnier, cleverer friend on the side who I got on with much better in reality.

Tinkobell · 22/11/2018 09:18

DS16 says amongst boys it's an ability to pull the girls and get to parties.

Oblomov18 · 22/11/2018 11:49

There is a another option.
They can be all these things:

They can be popular and well liked. Nice and not a bully or nasty to anyone.
And clever and relatively good looking and sporty and arty, and reasonably well off. And just nice.

In fact I would say that quite a few of the children at ds1's school, and the boys from his football team, nearly fall into this category.

Simply got quite a lot of the criteria!!

NameChanger22 · 22/11/2018 11:52

The bullies were popular in my school. The clever, pretty, talented ones were at the bottom of the pile.

howrudeforme · 22/11/2018 12:02

Just having this convo with ds 12.

At his school the flirty loud ‘girlie’ sort of girls are popular. With the boys is the sporty ones. Why is this? No idea? But his school is quite homogenous and the idea of ‘cool’ there is makeup/short skirts/long straight hair for girls. Mousy coloured hair extreme cuts for boys. Zero individuality type place.

Ds is quirky in his soh - but not loud or sporty. He holds is own but is not in any particular crowd.

Onefliesoverthecuckoosnest · 22/11/2018 12:11

To some extent, I think perception of the child is relevant. My DS would not consider himself to be popular, whilst DD would think everyone likes her. The truth is that DD does not care what people think, whilst DS is a worrier and v sensitive. He sees every slight, real or otherwise.

I definitely do not think it is a gender thing either. DS is sensitive and emotional; he expresses a lot of anxiety about friendships and falls in and out with friends often. Many evenings are spent with him analysing and fretting about the days events.

DD is much sunnier - and does not really communicate any concerns about school. At playtime, she runs around with her friends, she seems to like everyone and be liked. She certainly has always had far more party invitations than DS. But she definitely worries less.

She is also much less sensitive and intuitive than DS - he is much more caring and notices others feelings, whereas she doesn't notice - or doesn't care!

Hellomatey001 · 22/11/2018 12:16

Actually this post has got me thinking. There were very few actual popular kids who people liked. But there were lots of loud kids who commanded attention and who kids were scared if.

In fact these loud kids were far from popular so much so they ended up in a fight with younger girls in the year below, who took against them.

So popularity is a very rare thing, attention grabbing is another.

goingonabearhunt1 · 22/11/2018 12:55

When I was at school the 'popular' group were loud, had money and always had the 'right' stuff (trainers etc.). They also matured earlier and had boyfriends/girlfriends. With the girls, they never gave the impression of doing any studying as working hard at school was never seen as cool so even the ones who were quite intelligent pretended to be stupid/ditsy. As a pp pointed out, these types must struggle later because the skills involved at succeeding in the adult world are kind of the exact opposite of that! No idea if kids act that way now, people with teens would know better than me.

goingonabearhunt1 · 22/11/2018 12:56

Is it worse now that so much more 'grooming' is required? I remember a lot of those girls wore loads of make-up but it's nothing to the amount teens seem to wear now.

MrsJonSno · 22/11/2018 12:56

In both the Secondary schools my daughter has been to the “popular” group were the ones that were fashionable, had the latest gadgets and name brand clothes, boys good at sports, girls a bit air headed and wearing skimpy clothes, not interested in lessons or in the top classes, all very “sheepish” and copy each other and all with Instagram and snapchat stories of them smoking and at parties etc. Loudly opinionated, regaulrly in detention, likes to mildly bully other kids for status.

Thankfully my daughter likes to try hard at school and wears what she’s likes and is a little bit different so isn’t part of that group although she seems well liked and has a nice group of friends.

BlooperReel · 22/11/2018 13:10

Initially in primay school, there were 3 girls deemed 'popular' in reality they were quite nasty and mean. A few years down the line and actually my DD is probably more roundly well liked, she has a lovely close group of friends, girls and boys, is not mean to anyone and so actually socialises with all in her class, even those not 'best friends'. The three 'mean girls' have calmed down a bit, as they have been verbally shot down a few times by the 'friendly' group, as they will not tolerate any perceived bullying, and so generally it's a nice vibe and they all get on.

arethereanyleftatall · 22/11/2018 13:23

I hope neither of my children end up in the popular groups at secondary. They rarely contain the nicest kids, nor the people who end up having the happiest adult lives ime.
I hope they end up being like @Mummadeeze's dd who sounds lovely.

DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy · 22/11/2018 13:33

DS (11) is quite popular, as was I, though neither of us in a Mean Girls way.

I wasn't a looker, but DS is quite a pretty boy. I suppose what we both have in common is being friendly and chatty and (apparently) funny. DS is much nicer than me though Grin He does keep up with trends, bless his fashionable wee socks.

I think in my case it's just that I'm really open to all sorts of people and I am sociable. Who knows? I'd rather any of us were nice than popular though.

Unsure72 · 22/11/2018 13:57

She likes to take control and can be rather mean to the less outgoing types of people

^^ OP, as someone who was a very shy and introverted child, your DD sounds like the kind of person who made my life at school very stressful. I hope that since you're aware that your DD exhibits this type of behaviour, you have taken the appropriate steps to stamp it out. My self-confidence is still shot to this day and it's definitely partly to do with my experiences at school.

Cuzcothellama · 22/11/2018 14:33

My DD isn't in secondary yet, so it may be slightly different, but she has always been described as popular. It's reported that she is always kind and helpful and patient (not sure why this doesn't happen at home!) and makes an effort to include people. She isn't a "loud" person either. So it isn't all about being pretty and loud and confident.

I'm aware that this might all change when she hits her teens, but to honest, I would rather she stay like she is now and be a kind person, rather than start being a mean girl to be "popular."