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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask what makes a child or teenager ‘popular?’

178 replies

borednostalgia · 21/11/2018 15:39

I’ve always been really curious as DD1 (year 10) has always been part of a popular, well liked group of friends since year 1 ish but to a lesser degree until they turned 11/12. She’s a lovely girl in general but can be very hard to get along with as she likes to take control and can be rather mean to the less outgoing types of people. Whereas DS (year 12) and DD2 (year 8) are much more generally nice to everyone but have never really fitted in with the ‘popular’, well liked people. This is find odd and was just wondering why the popular groups are popular when they have many, many flaws.

OP posts:

DragonFire99 · 21/11/2018 19:16

You might find it interesting to read Girl Bullying: Do I look bothered? It's excellent. It mentions 'alpha females' who other girls are nice to and pretend to like because they're afraid of her. The beta female is particularly vulnerable and has to be nice to the alpha in case the alpha turns on her.

Does this sound familiar?

namechangedforanon · 21/11/2018 19:16

I personally think it’s down to confidence and attitude

NotUmbongoUnchained · 21/11/2018 19:17

I think having lots of interests and taking an interest in others. Me and my sibling were very fortunate to never have been bullied at school. But we made effort with all the different groups. I smoked, so hung around with the scary smokers, but also did a lot of sport so I was friends with the sporty lot. I was a science nerd so I got along with all the geeks, a bit of a goth so I got along with them. There was the group of “plastic” girls who I guess were the popular ones but weren’t really because no one really liked them, they were just too scared to not like them. I got along with them too as I was child good friends with a few of the girls from the group.
I’m hoping my kids will inherit the family trait of just sitting down next to anyone and chatting shit to them until they’re your friend

NotUmbongoUnchained · 21/11/2018 19:17

Siblings*

GandalfsRing · 21/11/2018 19:17

Diddlysquats you seem to be taking this thread personally. No one is attavking your daughter or saying she’s a bully.
Just because the majority of posters have said it’s the mean bitchy type who are the ‘cool kids’ doesn’t mean it’s true of your Dd.

massistar · 21/11/2018 19:22

My DS is very popular.. has loads of mates, is always the one organising yo meet down the park etc. But he's not part of the "cool crowd".

He's charming and confident. With everyone from mums, grandparents, younger kids, older kids so he doesn't reserve his charm just for other cool kids maybe? He also genuinely loves girls company so has lots of girl mates too.

He's also a handsome boy who was beautiful as a baby. I do think he's had an easy ride through life partly because of that. Shallow as that is.

PossiblyPFB · 21/11/2018 19:22

For what it’s worth, I was extremely pretty and fit and excelled at sport in my teens and wasn’t popular. I am introverted and was nice and friendly to all but not willing to be mean or ruthless, and so didn’t navigate the politics very well. I was bullied (though not as bad as others) and bore the brunt of the popular kids’ gossip. Apparently I was up to all sorts.

Now, almost all of those girls who were popular and mean to me haven’t done much with their lives or managed to travel far from my hometown. I live an interesting life halfway across the world. Echo a PP in saying they haven’t aged well, not sure why.

I am raising my extremely pretty and introverted dd to be kind and friendly and clever and inquisitive above all. She’s well liked by all but not a social butterfly. I’m prepared to guide her.

Zoflorabore · 21/11/2018 19:37

My ds is in year 11 and is 15. This year he has lost to date 5st 5lb and is like a new person. With that I have noticed lots more friends even though he still has his tight group of mates and his best mate is like another son to me. Shallow maybe? I don't know but his confidence has massively improved.

He's always been adorable and has a gorgeous face but no self esteem at all. He's a joker by nature, a born actor who can impersonate anyone but underneath the facade he's majorly insecure.

He has lots of friends who are girls and still sees some of his primary friends who went to different schools.
He said in his school, the popular ones are the kids who don't hand in homework, are generally disruptive and basically don't give a shit.

Another thing he has noticed with the popular group ( especially the girls ) is that the dynamics of the group are always changing and there is always drama!

JacquesHammer · 21/11/2018 19:39

Oh dear, my DD is an only child, has blond hair and horse rides.

Her schoolmates are doomed

jarhead123 · 21/11/2018 19:41

The 'popular' people were twats at my school. Not sure why people end up popular.

vdbfamily · 21/11/2018 19:46

I have discussed this recently with my 12 year old and it is very weird. It does seem like the kids described by their peers as ' popular' seem to be a gang of rather self obsessed posers who are not very nice to anyone not in the gang and do not actually seem to be liked by anyone outside the gang!

Mammylamb · 21/11/2018 20:16

I was kind of geeky; but don’t remember any bullying at high school. There were some kids that were more popular than me, but I don’t actually remember any of them being actively mean or anything.

MsTSwift · 21/11/2018 20:17

Even as a teen I knew I didn’t want to join the “popular” group. One has recently been arrested for beating up a client (prostitute). They are now loud rough women I wouldn’t be friends with in a trillion years.

FeckingEjit · 21/11/2018 20:24

Nobody actually likes the 'popular' kids. And they aren't really popular, people just know who they are because they have a reputation for being bitches. They are the ones who go on to have drama filled lives and jump from friend to friend, boyfriend to boyfriend because people get sick of their selfishness and childishness. The other kids who have a small group of friends are the ones who will go on to have good strong friendships with the same people and live quiet and happy lives 😂

TheDarkPassenger · 21/11/2018 20:27

In my school it was the girls with a fuck ton of make up and their legs open
And the boys who could fight

I feel like it’s changed somewhat but probably not a whole load, unfortunately.

I was just kinda there but not there. Same group of friends though, still friends now 15 years after leaving school

Mybigmessyhair · 21/11/2018 20:28

Are they popular or are they the school bully and only appears popular as the other kids are afraid of the main queen/king bee so stay on the good side?
Now not all popular kids are bullies and are generally really liked but realistically a lot of the so called popular kids are that way due to their friends putting up with it.

MaisyPops · 21/11/2018 20:30

As a teacher there is a difference between being considered 'popular' and being 'well liked'.

Popular girls tend to be considered attractive, are deemed crush material, tend to be quite loud and outgoing, tend to be into hair and makeup. Tend to date earlier and usually seem to have drama every week or so. They are big on who is friends with who. Who will or won't be coming yo parties. Everything feels like an exclusive pack to join. People might be nice to them but it's more because they're popular than actually liking them.

Well liked girls tend to be confidently self secure and are kind to others. They have their hobbies and mingle well with others. They dont court drama and are usually quite happy people. They're the type of girl who might not have a big group of friends but are someone who people will speak highly of.

JacquesHammer · 21/11/2018 20:35

Of course...and this appears to be controversial....but maybe some kids are popular because they’re just nice! No side, no unpleasantness just nice kids who are kind and so people like them.

Mybigmessyhair · 21/11/2018 20:47

I know of 1 kid who was popular in my kids school and she was a very nice girl to everyone, she didn’t hang out with my daughter but if she would get her parents to drive my daughter home if it was bad weather as they live in same street.
So there is nice girls that are popular but those girls are rare.

PossiblyPFB · 21/11/2018 20:47

Saying the above though, I definitely know how I felt treated- but about 10 years ago I had just the nicest email out of the blue from a high school classmate who sought me out to say thanks for being so kind to her when we were in school, that she had such a rough time and she always remembered how kind I’d been to her even though I ‘was popular’ - so perhaps it’s all about perspective. I know how terribly I suffered and yet others perceived it differently. It was a real ‘moment’ for me. I think it’s just worth raising our kids to be kind and as a @maisypops says being popular in a well-liked sort of way is definitely the thing to aim for.

Adversecamber22 · 21/11/2018 20:51

Confidence for sure, DS has a lot of it and when asked how he will manage whatever he always says I’m good at life. He is very sporty and also tall and always has lots of friends. He is massively competitive in everything he does, scrabble is a nightmare at our house.

TigerDroveAgain · 21/11/2018 20:59

massistar

Your post sums up DS. He’s no angel - we were always having to go to meetings with his school over endless minor misdemeanours - but he is good looking, sporty, funny and kind. He’s the kid who sits up with a drunk friend all night, to make they’re ok

One of his despairing teachers said to me that DS would be ok in the end, his charm will take him a long way, and it’s true. Not sure how you define it, but if you have it, it’s great.

MaisyPops · 21/11/2018 21:03

tiger
I've taught a few of them.
And honestly, they're the type of kid who knows when to work, pushes it but never enough to rude or awful & is generally very likable. They tend to be really friendly boys who can be very caring and will do well in life.
One boy like that in 6th form arrived with a cup of tea one day because apparently I'd looked stressed earlier that day. His homework was haphazard but he was such a lovely boy.

3WildOnes · 21/11/2018 21:07

It’s interesting that lots of people are saying that the popular girls ifrom their schools didn’t make much of their lives and had babies young. From my London girls day school, the popular girls were among the brightest. We all went to good universities and have mostly gone on to have interesting careers just as the less popular girls have. In our early 30s not many have had babies yet, lots of engagements and weddings though. I was the youngest to have a baby, in my mid 20s.

Hellomatey001 · 21/11/2018 21:16

At my girls school the popular kids were the louder ones. They made the most noise in class, didn't achieve too much academically and were obsessed with boys.

I was in the quiet nerdy gang.

Decades later the most successful career wise is the quiet kid who was bullied but still stood up for herself. She's on the board of a blue chip company. So popularity at school does not equal success outside school.

As one writer put it, for some people the peak of their life is when they're 14. All downhill from there....

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