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Original poster

to ask what makes a child or teenager ‘popular?’

178 replies

borednostalgia · 21/11/2018 15:39

I’ve always been really curious as DD1 (year 10) has always been part of a popular, well liked group of friends since year 1 ish but to a lesser degree until they turned 11/12. She’s a lovely girl in general but can be very hard to get along with as she likes to take control and can be rather mean to the less outgoing types of people. Whereas DS (year 12) and DD2 (year 8) are much more generally nice to everyone but have never really fitted in with the ‘popular’, well liked people. This is find odd and was just wondering why the popular groups are popular when they have many, many flaws.

OP posts:
ManonBlackbeak · 21/11/2018 16:50

At my school it seemed to be about being good at sport. Also the popular kids all seemed to hang around with people older than them, they were also stuck up and still are.

alligatorsmile · 21/11/2018 16:50

I think there's a difference at school. between being popular and being well liked. In adult life both mean being liked by lots of people or being liked a lot by people. 'Popular' at school means being one of the cool kids, whereas 'well liked' means having lots of friends.

Then again, what do I know I was deeply unpopular and bullied for 6 years! (I am well liked now I am a grown up, but still feel like the unpopular, hated kid inside, decades later!)

NRPDad · 21/11/2018 16:51

At primary it's the fun loving, smiley, happy kids that make people laugh with jokes and fun (as opposed to being the class clown) that are popular. They build up others by laughing and enjoying the fun and jokes of others too.

In secondary, depends on the school. My school was extremely cliquey. The 'popular' girls were the pretty ones who all grouped together and shunned everyone but the 'popular' guys, a good proportion of whom were bullies to those in lower groups but all were confident and able to assert their position at the top of social rank in some kind of unspoken way. Only a few in both the 'popular' boys and girls were genuinely very nice people who were nice to everyone.

JimCricket · 21/11/2018 16:52

When I was at school I fell under the radar because I was painfully shy & quiet. I did have a small group of good friends. In my experience the popular ones weren’t mean - they were just louder & therefore the centre of attention.

My DS is very popular because he’s funny, he has the same personality / sense of humour as me but the difference is he isn’t shy or backwards like I was.

morningconstitutional2017 · 21/11/2018 16:54

It is how you treat others that makes all the difference. If you are decent to people they're more likely to like you, the opposite is also true. Being light-hearted helps (and knowing when to take things seriously) and a good listener.

PuppyMonkey · 21/11/2018 16:57

Yes from what I can gather it’s not necessarily desirable to be “popular” - DD has a new circle of friends who find the populars quite funny in their desperation to be.. popular.

It’s fascinating I tell you. Thank God I’m not a kid any more.Grin

Notwhoyouthink35 · 21/11/2018 17:02

I would say my DD (14) is very popular at school. She is very sociable, confident and quite loud but is also a very nice kid. She is the first to stick up for someone being picked on. She is excellent at sport reasonably clever a bit of a goody goody with teachers. She does stand up for herself well but would never go looking for trouble.

unlimiteddilutingjuice · 21/11/2018 17:03

From my school memories "popularity" was a euphemism for dominance.

So in my school "popular girls" shagged popular boys and were good at fighting. Often there was a gang of "popular girls" who were fucking scary in all honesty.

My sister gained instant access to the "popular crowd" by taking the head of the first girl that tried to bully her and smashing it repeatedly against a desk.
She had just been moved to the school after suffering years of bullying somewhere else and simply wasn't prepared to take it any longer.
She hung about with the "popular" crowd for the remainder of her school career for he protection it offered and dumped them as soon as she could.

I understand that in posher schools fighting and shagging were not held in quite the same esteem and social dominance could be achieved by being rich or good at sports, or dressing nicely. Whatever. Still dominance.

Ghanagirl · 21/11/2018 17:06

I agree with Quentin I was intimidated by the popular crowd
I also agree at school I was pretty but different (only black girl).
DD is very pretty (not boasting she’s always being told by other parents plus random strangers) but since reception her confidence has taken a hit as lots of older born in autumn /winter girls brimming with (over)confidence she does have a small group of friends who she’s very close to.
DS popular he’s laid back attractive and good at sports.

Ghanagirl · 21/11/2018 17:09

@UnicornPug
Agree I think it’s definitely different for boys,
Although I think the “popular girls” often peak at secondary school.

PowerhouseOfTheCell · 21/11/2018 17:11

At my very working class comp it was always the girls that would smash your teeth out of your skull and wouldn't shag anyone under the age of 18.

Later at a very catholic sixth form it was very obviously the rich girls who had influence through low grade terror tactics

JacquesHammer · 21/11/2018 17:16

DD is popular. She was popular at primary and seems to be so at the start of secondary.

Mainly I think it’s because she’s very placid and laid back. She doesn’t get sucked into typical fall outs and is very level headed so people tend to gravitate towards her.

bringincrazyback · 21/11/2018 17:17

Being sporty (or at least not terrible at sport), being socially adept, and being attractive. Given my own experience at school, when I was none of those things, it seems to be a combination of all those three things.

bringincrazyback · 21/11/2018 17:18

Just wanted to add that I think at school age, being well-liked and being popular are two different things. It's possible to not be 'popular' as in being in with the in-crowd, but still be liked and have friends.

TeenTimesTwo · 21/11/2018 17:20

I refuse to refer to mean girls as popular.
If my DDs start talking about the 'popular' girls, I ask if they are nice or not, and if not I refer to them as the 'mean girls'.

Some girls are genuinely popular because they are friendly, nice, outgoing, confident.

So many others seem to be 'popular' by exclusion and meanness.

lyndar · 21/11/2018 17:21

@PowerhouseOfTheCell haha so true 🤣 most of the popular kids from my school are now druggies narcissists ugly etc the ones who were academic and not considered popular are mostly of course successful

madnessIsay · 21/11/2018 17:23

I don’t remember popular groups in primary or middle school but in high school the “A’s” were the same group from the main primary that fed into the school. I think people perceived them as intimidating for example no one sat in their seats in the common room etc but they were not scary. What they had in common was good all rounders, good at sport, homework etc & confident in their abilities & teaches picked them for things. They were attractive & slim but not the prettiest or coolest girls at school. I was in group “B” but my best friend was an “A” so I would straddle the 2. The weirdest thing I found was that they dressed the same & could only date boys from group “A”. My friend kept it secret that she was dating a geek, so stupid. I never wanted to be part of group “A” as I hated having the same things as others & feeling pressured to conform. Individuality is a good thing!!

londonrach · 21/11/2018 17:28

Tbh i never wanted to be popular as they were nasty bullies. One tried to be a friend on fb. I turned that request down. Strangely most havent left my local town, got pregnant and didnt go to uni. I liked my little group of friends. We werent popular as such, just got through the years together and still friends on facebook.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 21/11/2018 17:30

DD1 was in the gothy geek crowd in high school, went to college and found herself thrown in a class with the absolute popularity queen of her high school, who she had never spoken to before and disliked, on principle, from afar. Yes you've guessed it, they got on famously, found they had masses in common and ended up really good friends.

DD2 was also in the gothy geeky crowd in school, met the sporting hero boy of the school in an extra activity in Y11 and found herself the object of his adoration. When they started dating her life changed immediately; popular girls wanting to be her mate, kids whispering about her in the corridor, it was like some corny American movie.

Anyhow, he seemed like a nice boy to me, but DD decided they had nothing in common and shook him off as soon as she could. However she retained a lot of status until the end of school.

I dunno, popularity is a strange and fickle thing.

Ragwort · 21/11/2018 17:30

Good social skills, confidence and high self esteem - and that goes for adults too I believe. My DS is ‘popular’ in that he has a wide circle of friends, he doesn’t have any ‘best’ mates, which I actually think is quite a good thing and he gets on with a wide range of different types of people. He is also sporty and will happily join a new team where he knows no one for the sake of a game.

JacquesHammer · 21/11/2018 17:34

My DS is ‘popular’ in that he has a wide circle of friends, he doesn’t have any ‘best’ mates, which I actually think is quite a good thing and he gets on with a wide range of different types of people

I definitely agree with that.

Sowhatifidosnore · 21/11/2018 17:35

At my school the popular girls were outgoing and confident and accomplished at something - a sport or music or brainy. They weren’t the prettiest, but usually fun. They weren’t mean, but that may have been because most of us had known each other from the age of 5 or 6 from the feeder schools and it was an academically selective grammar school, dick around too much or behave badly or bully and you were out on your ear to the secondary school down the road. If you survived not being murdered by your own parents for chucking away a scholarship that’s was...

missperegrinespeculiar · 21/11/2018 17:37

hmm, yes, difficult. My two DCs are quite popular, one because he is easy going, non-competitive, self-deprecating, very smiley and friendly, the other because he is very good at sports and fiercely loyal to his friends, but this is primary, will have to wait and see what happens at secondary

in my own experience, the popular girls were the pretty, rich, mean ones. I was in a very strange position, as I was very nerdy and very academic, so should have been bullied, but I was befriended by one of the popular girls, because she happened to be very smart and secretly very academic herself (she tried to hide it), so was somewhat protected, I was told years later by one of the popular boys that they were also worried I would make them look like fools if they tried to tease me

as for later success, yes, I did do better than most of the populars!

youarenotkiddingme · 21/11/2018 17:39

You summed it up in your post.

The loud and negative kids appear popular - because everyone wants to stay on the right side of them.

Better to have a few close friends who will genuinely have your back than a bunch of fearful followers who will run when they can/mature.

Perfectly1mperfect · 21/11/2018 17:40

So many others seem to be 'popular' by exclusion and meanness.

Absolutely this. Popular doesn't always mean 'liked'. In many cases it just means that other kids are go along with them to keep in so that they are not targeted themselves. Those popular at age 14/15 often find they are not such popular people when they are in their 20's and 30's.