to ask what makes a child or teenager ‘popular?’

[borednostalgia]

I’ve always been really curious as DD1 (year 10) has always been part of a popular, well liked group of friends since year 1 ish but to a lesser degree until they turned 11/12. She’s a lovely girl in general but can be very hard to get along with as she likes to take control and can be rather mean to the less outgoing types of people. Whereas DS (year 12) and DD2 (year 8) are much more generally nice to everyone but have never really fitted in with the ‘popular’, well liked people. This is find odd and was just wondering why the popular groups are popular when they have many, many flaws.

The 'popular' kids at school weren't known for being nice - they were known for being cliquey and were almost always good at sport. This covered both primary and high school.

Agree with the other PPs that the popular group tend to be more intimidating. The 'confidence' coming down to being loud and oppressive of other children. DS is a class clown and a bit awkward, he doesn't have many friends because he's annoying excitable which is a shame because he one of the loveliest, sensitive and generous children.

*and as though they like us. Sorry, can't find specs!

Great social skills and confidence. I always remember this girl at secondary school who was not that attractive, but went out with the most attractive boys and had loads of friends. She had brilliant social skills. I see this in adults as well.

@SunnyCoco that’s a great episode!

it is a bit of a weird one. At school I was in what I think you mean by the popular group. The common theme among the boys in the group was definitely being good at sport and with the girls it was I think a combination of being pretty and confident/risk taking, i.e. being prepared to push the boundaries and socializing outside school more.
I don't recall anyone in the group being particularly mean to anyone else. I also don't remember lots of people trying to join the group and being excluded, so I am not sure why it was that we were viewed as the popular group!

DD is now in what seems to me to be a similar group but she does not perceive it to be the popular group. As she put it, everyone is popular with their own friends, which sounds about right to me.

As it happens, one of the parents at DD's school was in my year at my school. We got on pretty well, but were not in the same group. We have the odd glass of wine together now! Knowing the view on here that the popular group tend to be mean, I did ask her in passing if that was the reputation of my group, but she reassured me it was not. She did also confirm that it was not the case that everyone else was vying to join our group!

My younger sister was very popular in high school. But she was a complete cow, Gretchen wieners type with a sharp tongue. She was able to pick up on someone’s insecurities and twist it so that person is dependent on her. She was also very manipulative and ‘trained’ others to do her dirty work for her so she never got in trouble.

Dd is popular and I think it's because she has self confidence. She's not a model in her looks, she's not particularly academic, she's not brilliant at sports (for e.g. she's Vice captain, not captain of her hockey team). But she is probably fun to be around, is very stubborn and principled in her ways. I actually don't know why she's popular actually. She's a complete nerd lol. I think it's just because she's very self assured. She's happy around people too and involved in lots of things, so maybe she doesn't come across as needy.

As her mother, I count my lucky stars. I really don't care what she gets in her A levels. You can go anywhere and do anything. I'm just glad she's happy.
Maybe it's me putting a focus on her being happy rather than academics or achievement. All her achievements are down to her.

I was one of those that wasn’t either popular or unpopular, I was quiet and had a selection of similar friends. I agree that the popular ones are the ones who have ended up staying near by, having lots of kids and now look a lot older than me (most of them gaining a lot of weight).

My dd is unpopular, she is very intelligent and what we would have called ‘a nerd’ when we were at school, she has 4 or 5 friends and she gets bullied by the popular kids.

I think to be popular you have to be confident, bossy, pretty and of average intelligence, boys are more concerned about being good at sport and wearing the latest trainers.

My answer is going to sound ridiculously basic, but it's what I've honestly observed. Kids who are taller and have sporting prowess tend to be popular. Kids who do not struggle with a delayed puberty and are into the opposite sex tend to be popular. Kids who are outgoing....and I suppose having all of the above helps!

Gandalfsring I think that is where my dd is different. She has an inbuilt sense of fairness. Not sure whether she was born with it, or it was my parenting, but she seems to have a kindness in her. My aunt was also just a genuinely kind person, maybe she has inherited that. Doubt it's from me, I'm mean as fuck lol.

It’s interesting because at Primary I was probably THE most popular girl in the school, and I wasn’t especially nice. Very cocky and quite mean but everyone wanted to be my friend
For some reason when I was in the final year of Primary I decided to be a lot more pleasant to everyone and actually befriended the girl that everyone bullied ( I didn’t as I couldn’t be bothered but I did ignore her). Suddenly I wasn’t quite so “popular” any more so based on my experience yes, it is about being a “strong” character and just because you’ve got loads of hangers on it doesn’t mean anyone actually likes you.
D is in y9 and she was horrified at the thought of being “popular “ apparently it equates to hanging around with boys and dressing and behaving in a way that I suppose we would call “slutty” (awful term)
For boys, it’s just being good at sports

I don't think there is a recipe for popularity.

DS2 is very quiet and shy, has a lisp and a stutter, his major hobby is choral singing and his second is playing cornet in a brass band. He should be easy picking for the bullies but amazingly he is ridiculously popular. Always has tons of friends including his best mates who he has known since he was 2 and play rugby professionally and his current "Tribe" of computer techy types.

His older brother who is mega sporty and confident has half the number of friends.

In my kids school the popular kids at primary were either confident and chatty or confident and cocky.
The most popular kids both at primary and now are the kids who aren't really very nice :(

I agree with the poster who said the popular ones were the more intimidating types that followed the crowd and they're now the ones living in the same village doing the same things.

I always thought the popular kids were those outwardly comfortable in their own skin. Not necessarily overly confident or extrovert, just happy with themselves, their friends and opinions

My childminder once told me 'Becky is going to have such self confidence'. I asked why.
She had taken Becky out on a school field day and apparently everyone who passed the buggy stopped to ask who the beautiful child was.
The childminder (6 of her own very goodlooking kids) just said that Becky not her real name just laid back and took it all in. Smiled and laid back. Like the fucking Queen haha.
I've always tried to instil confidence in her so maybe some of it has rubbed off.
I think confident children will naturally allure friendships.

My two were both popular at primary school - lots of friends, no "enemies", always invited to parties, teachers always described them as lovely etc.

As soon as they went to secondary school neither became part of the "popular" groups (or the "cool gang" as DS calls it).

As to why they're not "popular" I think it's a combination of things from what I can see:
-they both seem to fly below the radar quietly going about their life without drawing attention from teachers, other pupils
-neither like to be the focus of attention
-they are not loudly confident (and often lack confidence in some situations)
-neither are afraid to be a bit different and don't feel that they have to be a sheep (eg. fashion choices, which football team to follow etc).

The girls from their primary school that went on to be the "popular" ones were the ones that went from age 11 to 16 in the first year of high school (dying hair, lots of make-up, embraced the latest fashions). The boys were the ones who got trendy haircuts and flouted the uniform rules (wore things like skinny school trousers and trendy black trainers) and would hang around town/the park at weekends.

Do parents sometimes a have a role in it too? IME parents of the popular kids often seemed happy to finance it all (and in a couple of cases I'm aware of almost seemed to enable them by never saying "no", financing not only their own child but also child's friends to go to cool events, providing transport and so on)

The uniting factor in different popular types is confidence.

Confidence to go talk to another child and make friends, rather than wait for people to engage with you.

Confident in your sporting ability to put yourself forward.

Confident that you can be mean/bully another child and they won't give you 10x worse back/the rest of the class won't turn on you.

And you can't really teach confidence, other than to encourage your dc at a young age to talk to new kids/try new things.

Sorry, I don't agree with some previous posters that it's just the mean kids.

Definitely confidence. I was hugely popular in school I think partly because I didn’t give a fuck what others thought. I went to drama school from a young age which I think helped enormously. In secondary school I was an outcast in a sense (a bit of a goth ) but still had lots of friends. Again I think it was because I clearly didn’t give a shit and never let negative remarks hurt me. Kids respect that and can easily sniff out weakness.

I’d say with boys, although this is stereotypical, an interest in sports helps. My DS has zero interest in sports whatsoever and has always struggled to relate to other boys as a result. He says to me “but he’s too ‘footbally’” when I ask why he isn’t friends with x person.

I agree it’s definitely something to do with liking sports at my DD’s new secondary school (she started Year 7). Her BF from primary is blonde, sporty and has one of those handbag style school bags . She also swears a lot. This has automatically made her popular and she’s dropped my DD, who is not sporty and not blonde. She finds the whole thing amusing if baffling.

Yeah, the popular girls are all Mean Girls too.

It could be that your DD is part of a group that is intimidating rather than popular. Other kids defer to them out of fear rather than liking them?

Absolutely this. Their 'friends' are just scared of upsetting them.

I went to a girls school and my group was considered 'popular'. I was actually very quiet but sporty and spent an awful lot of time on my hair and twice as long on makeup to not look like makeup! I was in top sets for most subjects and teachers liked me and had a laugh with me.

When I'd left school I was told by a girl that I was intimidating and aloof, ignoring her and other girls. In actual fact I was quite shy and didn't speak up often because of it. If I ignored someone it will have been because I was intimidated myself!

So, in my school I think being sporty and popular with teachers made you 'popular' mixed in with a dash of silent 'threat'- intentional or not!

DD is very popular / a leader type and always has been, she just seems to slip easily into friendships. She has amazing social skills and empathy. Shes highly academic but never boasts. She’s never been a mean girl nor would she tolerate it.

In my day the ‘populars’ were awful and ruled by fear.

My mil and sil are very popular since school days they have always had a large group of friends and a good social life. They are utter bitches and play people. They know when to turn on the tears and play innocent. When they are on your side you feel invincible. When you arent, its awful. You feel like nothing.