to ask what makes a child or teenager ‘popular?’

[borednostalgia]

I’ve always been really curious as DD1 (year 10) has always been part of a popular, well liked group of friends since year 1 ish but to a lesser degree until they turned 11/12. She’s a lovely girl in general but can be very hard to get along with as she likes to take control and can be rather mean to the less outgoing types of people. Whereas DS (year 12) and DD2 (year 8) are much more generally nice to everyone but have never really fitted in with the ‘popular’, well liked people. This is find odd and was just wondering why the popular groups are popular when they have many, many flaws.

Pretty/beautiful girls, and the handsome, sporty boys. Confidence tended to come and in hand with beauty, so they were the confident ones, too.

Going along not go along.

The bigger your boobs were, the more popular you were, too.

At my school to be popular you had to have a broad Somerset accent, sun in hair, smoke, and be going out with builders who you would shag in fields. Happy days! Was fine with my normal friends yet always viewed as hopelessly “posh” by the popular crowd but I was fine with that

At my school...
For girls being model like attractive
Being wealthy
Being smart

Also, when I was at school, the 'popular' ones didn't do well in their exams. They spent most of their times in lessons messing around as they were 'too cool for school'. Idiots, most of them.

A lot comes down to luck as well who you make friends with.

I have 3 DDs and dd3 is popular. Everyone loves her and gravitates to her. It all comes very easily to her. Since reception she's been very observant and good at reading others so responds perfectly adapting well. It's odd that's she's so popular compared to dd2 (her identical twin sister), who is very loving but a bit stroppy (like me ). Dd3 however hates being on her own ever!

Dd1 is older, studious and couldn't give two hoots about being "popular". By default she's well-liked.

I'm not sure.

Ds1 has friends, but found primary hard. Friendships in secondary have been a dream, such a nice group.

Ds2 is sweet natured and has had the same close friends since day 1 of primary.

I don't think you can attribute popularity to one particular personality/physical trait other than confidence.

What makes someone popular at primary school is often very different to what makes some kids popular/unpopular at secondary school.

From my experience of the "popular" kids from upper school, it seemed to be less about wanting to be friends with specific people and more about being part of a big group. If you were part of that group then you were protected from arsehole/bullying behaviour. So the group was popular from that perspective but the individuals within that group were mainly disliked because they weren't particularly nice people. The "popular" kids from my upper school were referred to as The Bitches because no one saw them as popular. They were just the ones to steer clear of because they were unpleasant.

I've known lots of popular people over the years and some are mean but most are lovely and have "something" about their personality which makes them stand out from the rest. It's hard to put a finger on what though.

My DD is popular, she's definitely not mean, the opposite in fact, she's a very good listener and a lot if people confide in her and talk to her about things, she has great people skills, she is also very confident and very pretty. She has lots and lots of friends.

My DS is not so popular, he is also good looking, but less confident and less sporty. As he's grown up he's found a small but close knit group of friends, and is now much happier than in the early days in high school.

It's been hard for me watching my one child find it so easy and the other struggle and I have asked myself the same question, I think their are different 'popularity' rules for boys and girls...boys who are 'tough', sporty &
cocky (confident) are often popular. Girls who are pretty & confident and self assured (not seeking others approval) are often popular.

Mine are primary and below. They have lots of friends and I guess are popular. I think it helps that they are good at sports and they are resilient so can laugh off a bit of teasing.
I was in the popular group at school. No one in my group of friends got in physical fights! I’m not sure what made us popular. We were all quite bright, some of us were sporty and others shined in the arts. We dated the poplar boys. We all had parents that let us go to parties at the weekend and we all had decent allowances That enabled us to socialise lots. I wasn’t mean, some in our group were but not all of us. We are mostly all really close still and I would say we have all done well in our lives but so have most of the people in our year group and I’m now friendly with some of the girls who weren’t so popular.

Dd has never been that popular. She doesn't have a mean bone in her body and is kind and well behaved. She is however quite sensitive and doesn't really understand the "clique" mentality or follow the crowd.

Ds seems to find it easier. He is very sure of himself even at 4. Just does what he wants most of the time and it seems to work for him. Can be a bit oblivious to the world around if anything.

@MsTSwift

Good question and one I ponder a lot.
DS was really popular when he was younger, up to about age 7 I would say. Then he got more in with the ‘geeky’ boys as he is quite sensitive and not great at football!! He’s probably a bit of an inbetweener now at age 14. Has friends, generally liked but not part of a big popular crowd. He works hard and often the more popular types put more effort into partying. He is smiley and has a good SoH - he can make friends quite easily so has popular potential for sure.

DD has always been quirky and quiet, never been popular but she has a fair amount of friends now at 16 who appreciate her for who she is!! With girls if not ‘girly’ or massively into boys and make-up it’s hard to be in that popular crowd.

Two of the three schools I went to as a child and teenager must have been very weird ,then. I am and was a major nerd and way, way to nice to other people, including the bullies (except for that one who crossed a line and then I slapped him, but that's another story. But in the equivalent to English school year 11 and then on another school in what would here have been 13 and 14, I guess, I was very popular. Of course it is nice to have people laugh at your jokes instead of throwing things at you, but essentially, if you don't want to sleep around and are not interested in boozy parties, then being popular isn't that useful.

One factor that hasn't been covered so far is being able to be pigeon holed. Most people like to conform and blend in and feel comfortable with people they can identify with. We've had numerous categories of social groups such as sporty, fashionable and the "alternative" types such as goths. Many of these will have more outwardly confident leaders that attract less confident hangers on, in some cases craving the security that less pleasant leaders can offer from being on the right side.

I wasn't easily pigeon holed. I was a lot like Hermione Granger with a good dash of Luna Lovegood thrown in. Accademicly strong, but a bit too eccentric and free minded for the delicate sensibilities for the majority of my school's teenage society and hung around with some of the other unfashionable leftovers where we could be ritually picked last in PE teams. I flitted between too many interests and didn't gel with the pre-established clusters in the drama groups etc as I turned up solo because I didn't conform with my friends' interests and inhibitions.

Being well-liked is different to popular. You can be liked by most, but not particularly close to them. People can be in a large "popular" group but not well liked beyond it.

One thing everyone agrees on - our own kids are gorgeous

My daughter is 14yrs. The popular girls in her school are bitchy, nasty and mean. She keeps a low profile so she doesn’t get picked on. If you don’t fit into their ‘rules’ eg, horse ride, only child, wealthy, long blonde hair, and never without boyfriend, then you’re not worthy of their attention. They seem to model themselves on the American teenagers they see on TV. Pretty little liars, Riverdale for example. Thankfully my daughter can now see through this and no longer wants to be popular.

Dd isn't blonde 1mum1kid and doesn't horseride.

Her school is a boarding school.
She has Afro hair. She does play touch rugby, hockey, soccer, basketball. She is just not an arsehole. Nor is she a shy kid. She just does her own thing.
We are not wealthy.

And my dd isn't bitchy, nasty or mean.

As I've said, typically, dd really should be the bullied sort. Wears glasses, has a Mum who makes her work at school, has bad protruding front teeth.
If anyone dared bully her though, her parents would be hearing from me.

But she just don't give a shit. She knows I've got her back.

DS is popular because he decide to reinvent himself and stop being clever and become an idiot who makes everyone laugh. I despair but also get it as I was clever and not very popular.

I was on the edge of the popular group at school . Only two of us have proper careers ... the rest of the sporty attractive people didn’t perform well academically and are working in fairly low skill jobs .

The nerdy group who were decidedly uncool, and where I felt more at home have all been hugely successful ;)