To be totally fed up with this?

[lindsey33]

My grandma is 97 and she has dementia.
She lives in a multi storey council property.
Her last hospital visit was 2 months ago and social services did a assessment,visited property etc and they decided she could stay at home and closed the case.
Now this busy body housing officer has turned around to me and said she doesn't think she is capable of getting out if there was a fire so has contacted social services.
So now they will open the case again and might even say she has to go into a home.
How dare she? She's lived her years and years and no fires.
She's such a bitch,I can't take no more of this stress.
Why did she have to contact social services ?
Just because she thinks as she has dementia she's a risk

@NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 if you can write you can read, which means you should have been able to see that OP doesn’t claim (and hasn’t ever claimed) a carer’s allowance. Shame you were too busy gleefully sticking your oar into a person in distress to bother reading the thread.

MN is a real illustration of the pits of humanity sometimes.

@Charolais are you sure your mother was being entirely straight with you? In my experience visits out of a care home are not usually forbidden unless the person presents a risk to others or themselves. Having dementia would not be a reason in itself. Do you think your mother might (not unreasonably) have been worried about having your father home & exaggerated what was said to her?

What type of dementia is her diagnosis, the very term suggests a level of confusion. I work in a dementia unit in an acute medical setting so can confidently say that dementia can progress rapidly and someone who is assessed as being safe can be unsafe at home in a very short time.
Also this housing person is just doing her job, if she said that your grandmother was fine at home but then inadvertantly caused an accident or was harmed she would be having to answer for it. A assessment doesn't hurt and i would he happy about the peace of mind it would afford me, that my loved one was safe and in the right place.

make a complaint to the housing dept

Make a complaint? On what grounds?

A housing officer has concerns about an elderly persons wellbeing so they flag it up with social services so they can make sure she's safe and coping ok in her flat...what exactly is there to complain about. The poor woman is just doing her job. OP is entitled to disagree with her point of view but to make a complaint about her would just be malicious.

My point is that she has raised concerns on her not being able to get out of her flat on what grounds?
Social services were here on 23rd September and inspected her flat and didn't see any problem.
Then she decides to contact social services out of the blue because they are doing a health and safety check.
Yet she's had dementia for 10 years and non of the previous housing officers have bothered us.

She has vascular dementia.

I'm so sorry @lindsey33 that so many posters have jumped here to call you out on this. I can personally well imagine your frustration. You get little help but all the services just reassess. You have to once again help your relative to say everything, explain what they want etc.

Just try and hold on to a few things:-

You know your relative best of all. If you think they are safe at home with x in place fight for that;

Retaining as much normal - based on their current view of the world - is important;

the mental health act is on your side! She has a right to be supported at home.

Know too though the following:-

Your relatives view of the safe world would may not be the world you see. Hence why many dementia units have 'nostalgia' on display because people regress

There are many excellent units and you would be welcome to be with her all day and everyday if you wanted but could rest

Social Services may do another assessment. They may not. They don't have to come up with a different answer though. Take care

I understand you OP but....since Grenfell and the inquiry there is huge emphasis and pressure on Housing officers to assess risk. This housing officer is checking that your grandmother isn't going to be at risk in case of a fire. It would affect her and the speed with which she could get out.
It doesn't mean a home but might mean a ground floor property in a warden controlled property. My parents live in one of these and they are lovely to be part of.

The housing officer has your grandmothers welfare at heart and she is just doing her job. She's not a bitch or whatever other insult you wish to use. She's doing what she is required to do.

My Dad has dementia too and he would struggle in the event of a fire even in a ground floor property but he'd stand a better chance than being several floors up.

He is confused of woken suddenly and I would bet your gran will be the same. You could still provide her care in a ground floor place...she doesn't necessarily have to go into a home. Chances are social services may want her to remain independent and push for a warden controlled property.

OP you are looking at this from a very combatitive way - post Grenfall fire regs have changed and this Housing Officer has raised a valid concern.

Social Services will assess and if they say she is not safe to live in her own home then she isnt safe.

Given the cost of doing so it is not a decision they will take lightly or do it without needing too and they will try to hold off on that as long as possible

Aging and dementia sucks OP

*OP you are looking at this from a very combatitive way - post Grenfall fire regs have changed and this Housing Officer has raised a valid concern.

Social Services will assess and if they say she is not safe to live in her own home then she isnt safe.

Given the cost of doing so it is not a decision they will take lightly or do it without needing too and they will try to hold off on that as long as possible

Aging and dementia sucks OP*

^^this is a very good sensible response.

@DoloresJaneUmbridge is right, @lindsey33 - a care home is not the only possible solution, of the assessment does find that your grandmother isn’t safe to stay in her current home.

As I said earlier, maybe you could move in with her at night, with help during the day so you aren’t carrying the full load 24/7, or maybe she could be moved to a flat that is more suitable - on the ground floor, in a complex with a warden who would know which residents would need extra help to escape in the event of a fire.

And of course, if her condition has not changed since the recent assessment, she ought to be able to stay where she is, for the moment.

I do think you need to start coming to terms with the possibility that, in the future, your grandmother may need more care than you or the local authority can provide in her own home or a warden controlled complex, and that a care home may be the best thing for her. I know this will be heartbreaking for you, especially as you have been so devoted to her, but I am sure you want her to be safe and well cared for, if the time comes when you can’t do it any more.

My mum had this with her own mother - my grandmother lived with us for some time, when dsis and I were little because her mental state was deteriorating. My mum was desperate not to put my grandmother in hospital, but there came a point when she couldn’t give my grandmother the level of care she needed - she was getting too ill, and the burden of her care was impacting my mum’s physical and mental health - and she soldiered on as long as she could, but eventually my grandmother had to go into hospital.

Mum was heartbroken to have to make this decision, but it was the right thing for my grandmother, my mum and the family.

If your giving her constant care what are you going on about then as you would help her out....

Whilst I’m sure you your grandma well, there’s still a danger that she could wander out after you put her to bed. Easily get confused by callers or not know how to act in an emergency. My own grandmother was like this, and despite care in her own home eventually wasn’t safe to herself or others. It’s hard but sometimes you have to be realistic to the what if. Could they propose any kind of warden assisted or sheltered housing as an alternative?

Oh lindsey, the housing lady is actually being very caring. My Grandma lived in her own house until she was 100. She is now 104 and is in a home. She had dementia, she put a pan of milk on the stove for her coffee. And forgot about it. If she had been in a flat she could have killed 100's of people...

Please, I know it's hard, but at 97, with dementia (and hallucinations!), even if she didn't cause a fire, she could not get out of a block of flats if there was a fire. Panicked dementia is terrible to see, it doesn't matter if in her normal state she can turn a key. If there is a fire in her block I can pretty much guarantee she will die. And I know you don't want that. Don't fight with the housing lady, she may not have a qualification in MH, but she clearly does care...

I've not read any where near all of the posts, but Housing Officers have a responsibility to safeguard the vulnerable and at risk. There are unfortunately lots of tragic cases where the right intervention doesn't happen. Putting in a Social Care referral doesn't mean the HO thinks she's right, just that she has concerns. It sounds like the HO is doing a good job. If Social Care assess on the basis of the referral, they will need to determine your grandma's wishes and assess her Mental Capacity to make relevant decisions. If she is found to lack capacity a Best Interests decision will be made which will take into account both the view of professionals and family members and she may be entitled to an advocate. This process is designed to ensure that the right checks and balances are in place. Just because you are related doesn't mean your preference is in her best interest either.

God we spent months trying to get my Nan and her vascular dementia put into a home where she’d be safe and not wandering the streets. That was actual stress I can tell you. She’s doing a job trying to make sure your Nan is safe. Shut up calling her a bitch. Ungrateful people like you really piss me off.

2018Already Amen to this. YABU, OP.

OP please just wait for the HO assessment. S/he is doing a good job. All decisions will be in your grandmother’s best interests

On another note it appears you spend 14 hours a day with gran. Please do not compromise your own health and well being with this level of care. Sounds like a very difficult existence for you, although you are doing it out of love.

If that is every day, well it will take its toll on you mentally and physically eventually.

Do you have any hobbies or other social contact with your peers? Having a break now and then can often help see the wood for the trees. All the best

YANBU. She's 97. Care should be focussed on quality of life and her happiness. Let's be honest she isn't going to have many years/months left and the chance of a catastrophe such as a fire happening are so small that that is surely outweighed by her will to remain in her own home.

@2018Already I wouldn't call OP ungrateful. If you had an elderly relative who you knew better than anyone and understood their care and needs, and then someone who was just ticking boxes and covering their backs cane onto the scene and deeply distressed them for no benefit at all "in case there's a fire" then I doubt you'd be shaking their hand either.

Maybe the OP and her grandmother have weighed up the pros and cons and made an informed decision that they'll take the very small risk of a fire over uprooting this 97 year old woman and putting her in a situation that will distress her in an extreme way.

OP what support are you getting for your own mental health?

You sound very stressed and distressed, and if you really are shut up in a multi-storey flat with a lady in her 90s with dementia for 14 hours a day, 7 days a week, that WILL be taking it’s toll on you.

I don’t think you’re responding out of a rational place here. As someone else said, whether you’re worried that your hard earned inheritance will go on care home fees (which I can understand tbh) or whether you’ve become so dependent on caring for her that you are freaking out about the possibility of your whole life’s role falling apart, or whether you had previously existing mental health issues or whether you are just completely exhausted... I don’t know. But you really don’t sound well.

OP, you aren't thinking rationally at ALL.

Yab vvvvvv u to call the housing officer a "bitch" - that's really not on. it's her JOB to flag any potential safety risks for the old people living in the housing she's overseeing, it would be remiss and potentially dangerous for her to think that the assessment made in Sept is still valid. She may have seen something, or maybe just wants to get your gran checked, if she's deteriorated.

It's not your judgement call to say whether your gran would be fine in a fire - that's exactly why a professional needs to look into it and make that assessment.

You would do better by focusing your confrontational attitude into something more constructive, e.g. how can you help your nan stay in her home longer independently. if that's deemed no longer safe by professionals, you need to figure out what that means for you and what support your gran will need from you after that.

focusing your anger on the housing officer isn't helping your gran, isn't healthy for you, and is childish/reactionary!

I agree op that cow is just trying to make your life more difficult... or she's covering her own back and has genuine concerns about your grandmother.

In short YABVU.

I have no doubts that you'd be the first to put a complaint in and kick up a massive stink, if god forbid, anything bad did happen to your DGM about why she was still allowed to live alone at 97 with dementia!

2018Already that must have been really stressful for you. Wandering is one of our major flags at work (we'd source an emergency placement if needed). But having a relative forced out of a home where family feel they are safe and happy can be equally distressing and stressful. I'm just saddened that there appears to have been so many people have shit social workers on here.