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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be totally fed up with this?

159 replies

lindsey33 · 21/11/2018 14:12

My grandma is 97 and she has dementia.
She lives in a multi storey council property.
Her last hospital visit was 2 months ago and social services did a assessment,visited property etc and they decided she could stay at home and closed the case.
Now this busy body housing officer has turned around to me and said she doesn't think she is capable of getting out if there was a fire so has contacted social services.
So now they will open the case again and might even say she has to go into a home.
How dare she? She's lived her years and years and no fires.
She's such a bitch,I can't take no more of this stress.
Why did she have to contact social services ?
Just because she thinks as she has dementia she's a risk

OP posts:
Original poster
lindsey33 · 21/11/2018 14:45

She doesn't have a cooker so unlikely

OP posts:
Original poster
lindsey33 · 21/11/2018 14:46

Social services already completed a assessment two months ago ...yet the housing officer still has contacted them.

OP posts:
JellieEllie · 21/11/2018 14:49

Why post if you aren't willing to listen to what people are saying. So far I see 100% of replies disagreeing with you.

BoglingToAswad · 21/11/2018 14:50

A housing woman who has zero qualifications In mental health is a professional is She?

No, but she isn't pretending to be. She has referred your grandmother to professionals to be assessed.

cheesefield · 21/11/2018 14:50

On the face of it it does not sound very safe for a 97 year old with dementia that suffers from hallucinations to live in a multi-storey flat.

Would she be able to safely evacuate the building alone, in the dark, very quickly in the event that a fast progressing fire was ripping through the building? She would likely die.

JellieEllie · 21/11/2018 14:51
  • A housing woman who has zero qualifications In mental health is a professional is She?

No, but she isn't pretending to be. She has referred your grandmother to professionals to be assessed.*

Agree.
To add further, OP you are also not a mental health professional therefore you also don't know what is best for your grandmother.

Original poster
lindsey33 · 21/11/2018 14:53

The whole building of elderly people would be in the same predicament then.
I'm honestly end of my tether with it all.
These people don't know her,could of done with their help 10 years ago when she was diagnosed yet we could zero help.

OP posts:
Original poster
lindsey33 · 21/11/2018 14:54

I'm with her daily.
I know how her dementia affects her...I'm more qualified then a pencil pusher who sits in her office all day (who's never even met her )

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 21/11/2018 14:56

My Nan spent ages telling us a story about how a man had sat on her bed and had a long chat with her- he resembled my dad. She was in her mid- nineties at the time, fiercely independent and didn't want to go into a home. She hadn't been upstairs for three years and her bed was in the dining room of a large three bed house.

Turns out a man had broken in through the window and sat chatting to her and the police found his finger prints etc. It was really scary. God knows what he wanted as nothing had gone and she had no memory of being touched. She willingly went into a home after that.

It was absolutely the right thing.

JellieEllie · 21/11/2018 14:57

Just look at this way OP, if god forbid anything did happen to your grandmother, if she had a nasty fall, or couldn't get out in an emergency for instance, then that pencil pusher would be under all sorts of investigations as to why this lady was not offered a suitable form of care before this happened.
She may only sit at a desk as you say but she has your grandmothers best interests at heart and she is doing her job whether you like it or not.
You need to suck it up and think about your grandmother in the first instance. I can understand why you feel distressed by this but it really isn't anyone's fault, no one is out to get you.

lilyheather1 · 21/11/2018 14:58

What's your AIBU?

BoglingToAswad · 21/11/2018 14:58

I'm more qualified then a pencil pusher who sits in her office all day (who's never even met her )

No, you are not. You may know her better, but that does not make you more qualified to judge her mental health. Do you think you are more qualified to diagnose a physical health problem because you know her better?

cheesefield · 21/11/2018 14:59

So you would prefer that she remained in a potentially very dangerous living arrangement?

Craft1905 · 21/11/2018 14:59

I love these threads.

OP: AIBU
MN Massive: Yes, YABVU
OP: No I'm not. I'm right and you're all wrong.

Why even bother posting for opinions when you don't want to hear them. You just want to be told you're right. You need an echo chamber, not a forum.

BookwormMe · 21/11/2018 14:59

Why would you want her to stay in a flat that's potentially unsafe, causing you a ton of stress by the sounds of things, when she could be in a home with round-the-clock care? Can she really walk unaided out of the flat and downstairs?

Do you live with her and would this mean you losing your home too?

Original poster
lindsey33 · 21/11/2018 15:00

So anyone from the moment they are diagnosed with dementia /Alzheimer's should go in a home?

OP posts:
Original poster
lindsey33 · 21/11/2018 15:01

I don't live with her no but I'm here from 7am to 9pm I put her to bed.

OP posts:
BoglingToAswad · 21/11/2018 15:01

Why even bother posting for opinions when you don't want to hear them.

I think the arguing makes some people feel better. Maybe it relieves their tension.

OftenHangry · 21/11/2018 15:02

My grandmother has dementia and I have to say that I can't see someone with dementia and hallucinations live alone. It's not safe for her nor the people around. The fact that she can't even have a cooker says it all.
At home she will get help and care and you can still visit.
I think you are just angry at the whole situation rather than the actual person suggesting it.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 21/11/2018 15:02

@lindsey33 one person's health and physically capability at say 70 is not the same as others at 70.

My nan is the same age as my FIL. My grandmother needs quite a lot of help whereas my FIL needs none.

You're letting your emotions blind you form the fact that dementia not only puts her at risk, but in a communal space like that, others too.

You may not like it, but from what you have said, a home or at least some form of ground floor, assisted living flat with fast access to help would be better for her.

mostdays · 21/11/2018 15:03

Ah OP, I hear you.

My grandmother remained in her own home probably longer than she should have, because those who loved her and knew her knew very well that she wanted to be there and was incredibly stressed and upset when taken to other places. It's very easy for people without emotional involvement in a situation to be able to stand back and think logically and look on it as a simple risk assessment process. For you and the other people who love your gran it's more than that, it's about the loss of her home, her last days not being what she would want them to be, you having to come to terms with the fact that things have got this serious, the knowledge that she wouldn't want to be in a care setting... It's really hard, I know.

OftenHangry · 21/11/2018 15:03

So anyone from the moment they are diagnosed with dementia /Alzheimer's should go in a home?

No, but you yourself said diagnosis was 10 years ago. The disease progresses

overagain · 21/11/2018 15:04

I can understand why you are annoyed and do not think she necessarily needs to be in ah home (I'm a social worker with older adults).

However, with Grenfell, there is more emphasis on hosing providers to identify at risk and vulnerable residents, so that if Grenfell type situation did arise, they can say that they were sure everyone living in the block could escape if required.

It is entirely possible that her current home is no longer safe for her to live in due to the fire risks. However there are things that could be done to make it safer - some authorities have a list with the fire service where they know certain people will need to be evacuated. Some LAs have a warden system which can be linked to fire alarms, the warden can then speak to the resident through a speaker box in the flat and instruct them to leave, staying on with them until they leave.

She can turn a key ..so yes she can get out in case of a fire.

Would she recognise the sound of the fire alarm? If it happened when she was asleep (so woken up a bit more confused by a noisy alarm) and then know what to do? Would she be able to change her plan of action if the primary exit was blocked with smoke? Dementia affects reasoning and ability to deal with the unexpected.

cheesefield · 21/11/2018 15:04

So anyone from the moment they are diagnosed with dementia/Alzheimer's should go in a home?

Of course not. But if someone is pushing 100 and is having hallucinations then it seems sensible that it would be considered a risk whether she would be able to safely evacuate a smoke filled burning building on her own in the dark involving flights of stairs.

Presumably they're not going to just turn up, bodily cart her out of the building and stick her in the nearest home. They are probably going to do an assessment including a fire drill to see how she would cope on her own exiting the building at speed.

BookwormMe · 21/11/2018 15:04

So if she goes into a home you'll lose your carer's allowance? Of course a person shouldn't be shoved into a home the minute they're diagnosed, but it sounds like your nan's needs have changed. We're in a similar situation with my nan at the moment and you have my sympathy - it's really tough knowing what to do for the best.

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