To be disgusted with some "step parents" views?

[PriscillaSM]

I want to start off by saying that I do not have children, I have a step mother myself and my DP has a son so this is not me being a bitter parent.

I find myself reading so many posts on here where step parents are unhappy about their partner/husband paying their ex maintenance, having to look after the step child once in a blue moon, the stepchild not being allowed in certain rooms of their house or even about having their stepchild over the christmas period?!

Surely if you start a relationship with somebody knowing they have children, you know what you are getting involved in?? I would never dream of treating my DP's DS in such a way.

Sorry for the rant but I'm just horrified about the mentality of some people on here.

the step children (often teens/older) get away with murder

Listen - I would have given away my own teens at times! Huge respect for step parents that have teen hormones to contend with as well as everything else!

I think it's difficult for anyone who doesn't have DCs to know what's in store, and even if they do, there's a lot of truth in the saying "Hell is other people's children".

Most SPs I know do their absolute best in a difficult situation. And many are great at it. I think what gets people's backs up on MN is where the new partner sees their DP's DCs as "obstacles" to their happy ever after. And way too many launch into creating a new, second family when there are obvious problems with the first one.

steak I do think that is quite a sweeping statement as I'm sure lots a of step parents love the step child as much as their own. But I'm also sure their are lots who don't. Depending on the age they met, the bond they have a lot of factors but I don't think you can say all.

flamingofridays yes, I strongly suspect there's something else going on with Steaks way of thinking. People don't usually come to that sort of conclusion without having some form of bad encounter with what they are talking about
Actually I haven't had some awful experience. It's not hard to see that time and time again (and something which is reoccurring on MN) is that women who are scared of being alone, who need a man no matter what, or who simply put sex and love in front of their own children's needs, is damaging to the children.
Adults have a choice who to bring into their home. Children do not. It simply isn't fair to shoehorn children into an existence that they haven't asked for.
I do believe that in the case of the ONS as posited above, then usually the children are too young to know differently. However with older children, particularly those with an understanding of how things work who are approaching or in puberty, it is painful and uncomfortable.
Of course life is complicated but dating and sex are optional, not necessary. Parenting is necessary. Don't confuse one with the other, keep your boundaries and wait till your children are older before moving a random into their home.
Also, yes if it came to it most would pick their blood child.
Think about it. If a stepdad came into a family heirloom passed from father to son, for generations, and then he had your ds, and a bio child with you, then who would the heirloom be passed down to? It would be his own child, not the SS. The SS would be aware of that.
I may be black and white here, but I don't even consider half siblings real siblings, I put them in the step category, and that is something I just don't want for mine.

but I don't even consider half siblings real siblings, I put them in the step category, and that is something I just don't want for mine

Well that says more about you than it does anyone else. You have issues.

This has to be a massive windup surely.

It simply isn't fair to shoehorn children into an existence that they haven't asked for

We all do that. Children dont ask to be born.

but I don't even consider half siblings real siblings, I put them in the step category, and that is something I just don't want for mine

But they have the same parent, so of course they are real siblings.

No I don't!
Issues are birthing new babies into existing families and just hoping the existing kids will be flexible enough to make anything work. Not all existing kids will 'love' a new baby. That is what the new parents believe. All this 'it's all worked out great' is actually hiding a really grim reality for loads and loads of kids.
Blended families are a mess, adults putting their own needs first. Kids don't know who is who, they are shunted from one half home to the next not knowing barely who's dad is who's, where they'll be this weekend or next Christmas or when the next baby is coming and in which house.
That's before they're made to share a bedroom with a kid that's no relation to them and who they didn't ask to come into their home. But that's ok, because at least their mum can spend the night with the bloke they love, so of course everyone adores each other.
It's bloody selfish, and it doesn't take a genius to see it. Fortunately I never had step/half anything, and neither will my kids.

I may be black and white here, but I don't even consider half siblings real siblings, I put them in the step category, and that is something I just don't want for mine

Well that's really sad and quite offensive to those actually in the situation you're talking about.

Considering you don't sound like you actually have any 'step' siblings I hope most people pay no attention to your ridiculous view point on the matter.

Not all existing kids will 'love' a new baby.

Children in “together” families won’t necessarily love a new baby either. Parents still have more babies though.

Ok steak clearly you know best and all the happily blended families are hiding grim secrets and abuse.

Clearly dss must hate ds and just does an excellent job of hiding it.

Christ.

Steakandkidney you keep stating you are not projecting and haven't actually experienced the things you're talking about so I'm curious as to what makes you believe you have such an insight into the way a blended family works or how the children feel when you've never actually experienced it yourself?

I don't even consider half siblings real siblings, I put them in the step category, and that is something I just don't want for mine.

What a nasty POV, Steakandkidney. Hope you keep your mouth shut around stepfamilies.

But if they're not siblings I'll have to tell DS2 to get off the phone to my DSD, even though they're roaring with laughter at something. Because my kids definitely see each other as siblings. My DSD will get an equal share of my estate too, because I think of her as mine. She's not my DD but she's my precious lovely girl just the same.

steak its good that your family is not blended it would be unfair to force your disgusting opinions on anyone elses children.

I come from the sort of "blended family" that doesn't work. Forced to call SF "dad" and had my name changed without my permission, then had to deal with my own father's hurt and anger over it, constantly had it drummed into me by mother and SF that my father and all his family were scum and we were scum if we showed him any loyalty, constant war over maintenance, access, awful split Christmas Day every year, mother and SF's new children idolised and I was a cuckoo in the nest from then on, didn't have a bedroom from aged 13....it was awful. I cried every Christmas Day until I left home.

It hasn't left me with the view that ALL stepfamilies are doomed to failure however. I've grown up and realised that actually my particular mother and SF were physically and mentally abusive to us because of who they were, not because the blended family set-up is inherently unworkable. I had friends who had wonderful warm relationships with their stepparents, and others who had bad experiences like mine. I now think the main problems in my family occurred because my mother is a vicious bully with at least one personality disorder, my stepfather was a weak and often violent man with sexual boundary issues, and my father (who is on the spectrum) couldn't cope with any of it and ran for the hills. Individual personalities make families work or not work, and the level of effort and compassion people employ towards those close to them.

SteakAndKidney, I respectfully suggest some counselling to help you deal with your traumatic childhood.

Children in “together” families won’t necessarily love a new baby either. Parents still have more babies though
That's very true. But at least it comes without the complications of other families.

What do you mean "other families"

Personally i see us as a family and yes dss has a mum elsewhere and shes his family too.

There are millions of people whose childhoods were fucked by their parents romantic needs

I agree. I am not sure a parent focused on a new relationship is able to truly put the needs of their children first. There is just too much competition on time, resources, focus. I have met much ridicule on these forums for consciously remaining single for over 10 years now but I believe this has been in my children’s best interests. I think blended families which truly work are few and far between and much blending is about parents and their needs with very little thought given to what children really need for life post- parental separation.

I imagine people like Steak wouldn't be so strict with their own morals if they were in the situation they are judging.

You comment so harshly about step siblings yet you don't actually have any of your own and therefore I wonder if you'd actually feel this way if you did or is it really because you aren't in this situation and so its easy to tell other people what you think they should do and feel. People who are actually living it unlike you.

It's very often the case that people spout this nonsense when it doesn't have an affect on them. I imagine they'd act and think quite differently if it actually did.

much blending is about parents and their needs
100%
It's a roulette for the kids whether it ends up being ok or not. They have no choice in any of it.

steak jesus christ. Youre like a broken record. No choice. No choice. No choice.

I assume your kids do whatever the fuck they please then do they? Go to a school they chose, live in a house they chose, go to bed when they want, eat what they want?

If blending families is done responsibly - there is nothing wrong with it. !

But at least it comes without the complications of other families.

There is honestly nothing at all complicated about my family. Really.

Interesting that you call me moralistic Whatt. I never referred to morals.
I'd have utterly hated stepsiblings. I have a sibling, they are my sibling. No-one else's child is my sibling. If my dad had had another baby, I'd have refused to see it. It wouldn't have been a sibling of mine. His new partner's kids? Their joint kids? Nothing to do with me.
That's not a vile view. It's a valid one. It is surprising that no one else can see this from a child's point of view other than 'but they love each other'. Now I could be wrong and all the children you are all referring to are blissfully happy, in which case that's great. But most likely, a lot aren't.
I suppose that's one child's perspective and no all children don't think like that. Some are less headstrong, some are younger, older, less bothered, like babies more, whatever. But for some children they don't want to live your lives. They want their own to stay the same particularly when their parents have broken up and the are dealing with that.

Actually some of us HAVE posted our own perspectives as children growing up in blended families, but you're ignoring those, because they don't reach the same incredibly narrow conclusions as you.

steak you cant categorically say youd have hated it. You have no idea what it would have been like.

Youre painting yourself as cold and heartless. You wouldn't see your own half sibling.