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Original poster

To be disgusted with some "step parents" views?

363 replies

PriscillaSM · 20/11/2018 11:35

I want to start off by saying that I do not have children, I have a step mother myself and my DP has a son so this is not me being a bitter parent.

I find myself reading so many posts on here where step parents are unhappy about their partner/husband paying their ex maintenance, having to look after the step child once in a blue moon, the stepchild not being allowed in certain rooms of their house or even about having their stepchild over the christmas period?!

Surely if you start a relationship with somebody knowing they have children, you know what you are getting involved in?? I would never dream of treating my DP's DS in such a way.

Sorry for the rant but I'm just horrified about the mentality of some people on here.

OP posts:
flamingofridays · 20/11/2018 18:25

Yes, whatt i believe it is because it shows your original children that they are less family than the one with the new partner

Utter bollocks. They only believe that if thats how you make them feel.

Sallystyle · 20/11/2018 18:26

But i dont believe in forcing partners into the family home. Date and keep it separate till your kids are adults.

Nah, I didn't want to be single for 14 years. My children have benefited from having my husband in their life. They love him like a dad too.

Whatwhatt · 20/11/2018 18:28

because it shows your original children that they are less family than the one with the new partner

Either you are projecting massively because you've been made to feel this way or, if not, you are wildly assuming how someone else feels about a situation.

I'd be really upset if I found out my Mum or Dad had martyred themselves by never moving on until I left home.

There is nothing wrong with parents moving on after separation so long as it's done in the smoothest way possible for the children involved.

Whatwhatt · 20/11/2018 18:30

Sorry I just can't believe you genuinely think that two people should remain single until their kids turn 18 😂 that's the craziest thing I've read on here for a long time.

Whatwhatt · 20/11/2018 18:32

There are plenty of people who have children from rather short relationships who then go on to have marriages that last 20 plus years and meant more than the relationship with their child's other parent ever did.

funinthesun18 · 20/11/2018 18:39

There are plenty of people who have children from rather short relationships who then go on to have marriages that last 20 plus years and meant more than the relationship with their child's other parent ever did.

Exactly. Imagine thinking you can’t ever have a happy family life with someone (which includes your child of course!) just because you once had a fling/one night stand with their parent. Or you can’t go on to have more children with someone you really love and have a meaningful relationship with, because you had a relationship that didn’t really mean much a few years ago.

Steakandkidney · 20/11/2018 18:41

My husband is an amazing step father
Says every newly married woman ever

Steakandkidney · 20/11/2018 18:43

But not if youre the step mother, right
Well no because you made a choice to commit to a man with children.
Those children are related to him, you chose him, you choose them
The kids dont get that choice.

Whatwhatt · 20/11/2018 18:43

Steakandkidney you sound very negative and I can only imagine you are talking from a place of your own bad experiences in this subject?

SimplySteve · 20/11/2018 18:44

DPs view, for 20 years, is that the birth father was simply a sperm donor. I've treated my DSS with love, honesty, respect, trust, empathy.

I couldn't love him more if I had been birth father. The boys amazing, both he and my DD are so very (EQUALLY) special stars. I burst with so much pride. My two children are everything to me.

Whatwhatt · 20/11/2018 18:44

So I'm curious as to what you make of my DSC regularly pestering me and DP for a baby brother or sister? Grin

Steakandkidney · 20/11/2018 18:45

And to everyone saying people are projecting. There are millions of people whose childhoods were fucked by their parents romantic needs. All of those parents thought like you.

bourbonbiccy · 20/11/2018 18:46

So I think one of the problems must be communication or they are just rushing into the relationships. I am a SP, my husband explained he had a child on our 1st date. I said it initially wasn't a problem at all as we didn't know where the relationship would go and I wasn't completely averse to it.

When we started getting serious we had to have a sit down and I found out everything about his child, the dynamic of his relationship with his ex wife, what our relationship would look like if we were to move in, get married or have our own kids. I explained what I would be happy with and he agreed what was reasonable. I slowly met his daughter she was 9 at the time I explained I was never trying to be her mum, just hoped we could learn to get on and hopefully get a loving bond.
I'm glad to say that we have never had any problems and my SD is now 26.

I have never heard of not being allowed in your parents bedroom, I was not brought up like that and would certainly not tell our kids that either, but I supposed that is personal choice and everyone is different. So long as it was one rule for all.

It is frustrating when you hear people talk about new relationships and the new partner has moved in after 6 months.

Steakandkidney · 20/11/2018 18:47

Whatt no. My mum was great. Id have hated to be made to 'adore' a stranger in our home and she realised that.
No person ever loves a stepkid the same as their own. In a fire, theyd pick their blood child first. Thats the difference.

SimplySteve · 20/11/2018 18:49

No person ever loves a stepkid the same as their own. In a fire, theyd pick their blood child first.

Are you absolutely sure about that. I'd go for both, closest to fire first. I'd take a bullet for either of my kids.

Whatwhatt · 20/11/2018 18:49

Steakandkidney and there are lots and lots of children fucked up by their own biological parents. So really by your logic the only kind thing to do is for everyone to just stop having children really.

Ps. There are also lots and lots of children living completely happy and content lives whether or not their parents are together, in another relationship or single for eternity. It's all about how the adults behave and act that determines whether it will work or not.

flamingofridays · 20/11/2018 18:49

steak i think you have deeper issues here :(

Whatwhatt · 20/11/2018 18:50

No person ever loves a stepkid the same as their own. In a fire, theyd pick their blood child first. Thats the difference

Sorry I didn't realise you knew everyone ever Hmm

flamingofridays · 20/11/2018 18:51

No person ever loves a stepkid the same as their own. In a fire, theyd pick their blood child first. Thats the difference

I love dss but differently than ds. Id rescue them both from a fire.

Also theyre both dps biological kids so your logic is somewhat flawed

Whatwhatt · 20/11/2018 18:52

flamingofridays yes, I strongly suspect there's something else going on with Steaks way of thinking.

People don't usually come to that sort of conclusion without having some form of bad encounter with what they are talking about.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 20/11/2018 19:03

Being a stepmother has been one of the most important elements of my life. My DSD is married with DC of her own, but we are still so close.

Learning to love her is what changed my mind about having DC of my own, and having me in her life was what inspired her to get A levels, a degree and a career. We owe each other so much.

When I first met her she was 7. DH's love and total commitment to his DD told me he had the values I would want in a life partner. Her DM was a total nightmare but she's mellowed over the years, largely because she's cut back on the booze.

I've loved being a stepmother. I think the fact that DH and I operated as a team made all the difference.

Pogmella · 20/11/2018 19:07

I wouldn't set either DD or DSS on fire so I'm clearly the best parent here Wink

That aside, I have had some issues with Exh's girlf. They're looking at buying a house and at one stage looked at a 2 bed. I was surprised as I know they want kids. When I asked she exasperatedly told me 'we might not ALWAYS have a seperate room just for DSD'. I bit my tongue (a lot!) As I kind of think you accommodate the existing kids first? Looking to move in with my DP and enough bedrooms for all our kids is the first priority...

TooTrueToBeGood · 20/11/2018 19:09

No person ever loves a stepkid the same as their own

You're talking utter shite.

maddiemookins16mum · 20/11/2018 19:12

Personally I think step parents (especially the mums) get a bad press on MN, the step children (often teens/older) get away with murder and the step mums are often told to suck it up, you made your bed etc etc.

OhComeOnRon · 20/11/2018 19:37

@Pogmella
Ahhh I dunno there- I have stepson, daughter and one on the way and a 3 bedroom house.
This baby will likely share with whichever child of the same sex be that my stepson or my daughter.