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Original poster

To be disgusted with some "step parents" views?

363 replies

PriscillaSM · 20/11/2018 11:35

I want to start off by saying that I do not have children, I have a step mother myself and my DP has a son so this is not me being a bitter parent.

I find myself reading so many posts on here where step parents are unhappy about their partner/husband paying their ex maintenance, having to look after the step child once in a blue moon, the stepchild not being allowed in certain rooms of their house or even about having their stepchild over the christmas period?!

Surely if you start a relationship with somebody knowing they have children, you know what you are getting involved in?? I would never dream of treating my DP's DS in such a way.

Sorry for the rant but I'm just horrified about the mentality of some people on here.

OP posts:
OllyBJolly · 20/11/2018 17:05

I never once met a decent step parent

My DCs step mum is more than decent, as is their step dad (my DH). DD1 has just had my first DGC, and SM's first, and it's just lovely that SM's parents are treating the baby as their own. DDs and DGS are just so lucky to be surrounded by so many people that love them.

In fact SM & XH are no longer together, and SM has worked harder at keeping the relationship going than XH has.

Apologies for all the acronyms...

minniebow · 20/11/2018 17:07

I've known my own 'step-parents' obviously! Sorry long day at work. I don't know any other aside from that, only the 'children'

SimplySteve · 20/11/2018 17:09

Not RTFT.

I'm a stepfather, knew exactly what the score was and nurtured the child. Completely agree @PriscillaSM

Bluebell878275 · 20/11/2018 17:31

The whole step/blended family nonsense is a load of bollocks. I've never seen it work. Sure, date if you must but keep your kids out of it

Just another insinuation that any other relationship after the one with kids is 'just dating'; 'just the ex's new girlfriend'; 'the new wife'; 'a woman the ex happens to be shagging' etc... these are generally said even if the relationship with the step-parent has been going longer than the first. An attempt to belittle the relationship as it will obviously never be as 'real' as the relationship with the kids other parent....

flamingofridays · 20/11/2018 17:38

minnie im sorry you went through that but it has somewhat clouded your iudgement on step parents.

I actually find it offensive to be lumped in the same catergory as people like that just because i am in a relationship with a man who has a child.

SimplySteve · 20/11/2018 17:41

Wow. Some of the responses here are making my piss boil. I'm actually offended at the things us steps are being called. This is ridiculous.

Spanglyprincess1 · 20/11/2018 17:46

Seriously other people's hang ups shouldn't count. People.are people and vary massively, just like for actual biological parents there are good, bad and downright awful.
I find being a step parent much harder than being a parent to my biological child with dp as o have 100% say in his upbringing and I've known him since birth.
I like my stepchildren obviously but it's a relationship I work hard at rather than being instinctive

funinthesun18 · 20/11/2018 17:49

Some stepparents are unreasonable e.g. not wanting to provide a proper place for them to sleep. That’s obviously not right.

Most that I’ve seen aren’t unreasonable. I mean, one stepmum was called on here for making a fuss of her baby and not making a fuss of her 15 year old stepchild every time she got excited about her baby. Even my 3 year old accepts that the attention isn’t always going to be on him. All part of being a sibling isn’t it?
One stepmum was once called for not accepting her stepchild’s hand me downs from her partner’s ex when she was having a baby. People said she would upset her stepchild if she didn’t.

Honestly, I do think some people on here are batshit when it comes to stepparents.

Steakandkidney · 20/11/2018 17:53

If you move in with/marry a man with children you should expect that at some point the children may come and live with you in your home, permanently. They aren't part time or secondary to your own children.
I couldn't be arsed making my kids share so I won't do it. But you need to prepare for some other children moving in your children's home, and be ok with it.

flamingofridays · 20/11/2018 17:55

steak no i dont think you should expect it actually if you take yourself into a situation of established contact. Never in a million years did i think dss would move in with us. Doesnt make me a bad person!

ImpendingDisaster · 20/11/2018 17:56

One stepmum was once called for not accepting her stepchild’s hand me downs from her partner’s ex when she was having a baby. People said she would upset her stepchild if she didn’t.

I think if you were a super-conscious stepmother, you'd probably go through the clothes with the older kid and pick out his/her favourites, that would be very sweet. They might be terrible, but you could deal with a couple of hideous outfits.

I mean, one stepmum was called on here for making a fuss of her baby and not making a fuss of her 15 year old stepchild every time she got excited about her baby

I doubt this is exactly what was said.

ImpendingDisaster · 20/11/2018 17:58

Also, taking the offer of hand me downs is a very good way of building bridges between the ex-wife and stepmother.

flamingofridays · 20/11/2018 18:00

This is the issue though impending why should the sm do/accept something that makes her feel uncomfortable for the sake of the ex wife?

If i didnt want baby clothes from anyone id just say thank you for your kind offer but i really have plenty already.

Not everything needs to or should revolve around the step child and certainly not the ex wife.

funinthesun18 · 20/11/2018 18:06

ImpendingDisaster That’s fair enough, but some people do like to buy new. I’ve recently had a baby (not my first) and been inundated with people offering me Moses baskets, cribs, clothes, bouncy chairs, more clothes etc... I’ve had to politely turn them all down because I wanted to buy new.
My kids really don’t care that I didn’t use their old stuff and I think it’s all adults making a big deal about children apparently being “upset”.

My6KidCircus · 20/11/2018 18:09

My DH has fully embraced FOUR step children - he is an absolute god send.

My ex pays those same children £6.25 per week because him & his witch wife believe his wages should support her children - exes stepchildren. He is on +£2k per month. They have no biological kids together. Their Bio D pays full CS.

If my DH had children, and didn't want to fully support them, I would question his step parenting / parenting abilities anyway.

Hmm
funinthesun18 · 20/11/2018 18:11

Also, taking the offer of hand me downs is a very good way of building bridges between the ex-wife and stepmother.

Could also build resentment on the stepmothers part too if she’s forced to accept them. I’d hate to be told I must accept someone else’s baby stuff. Horses for courses.

Steakandkidney · 20/11/2018 18:12

Tbh one of the things I totally respect my mother for was focussing on us after our dad left and finish raising us instead of trying to find a new boyfriend. I think many, many kids HATE having a new family forced on them, under their parents premise that they ADORE the new partner.
That is utterly tragic and life wrecking for some children.
I do agree with hels abve re blended families being a mess. My dad was too bothered with his new wife to parent us properly. No respect for any parent who puts their live life before their child, I really don't understand it.
I think going on to have a child together when there are existing stepkds on one or both sides is awful. Put the ones youve got first.

Steakandkidney · 20/11/2018 18:14

And home should be safe space not somewhere where you feel awkward round an unrelated person. Worse still if it's an unrelated person who is your half sibling's parent. Just shit.

Whatwhatt · 20/11/2018 18:17

I think going on to have a child together when there are existing stepkds on one or both sides is awful. Put the ones youve got first

So anyone who has a child with someone who already has a child/ren is awful? Hmm

Don't be so ridiculous. If the child/ren are happy, treated well and loved there is no reason why parents cannot go on to have new relationships and - shock horror - more children.

There is a lot of projecting on this thread. I'm sorry some of you seem to have bad experiences with step parents (just like there are many with bad experiences with their own biological parents), it doesn't make them all evil.

flamingofridays · 20/11/2018 18:19

home should be safe space not somewhere where you feel awkward round an unrelated person

But not if youre the step mother, right?

SillySallySingsSongs · 20/11/2018 18:19

There is a lot of projecting on this thread

Completely agree.

Steakandkidney · 20/11/2018 18:20

Yes, whatt i believe it is because it shows your original children that they are less family than the one with the new partner. But i dont believe in forcing partners into the family home. Date and keep it separate till your kids are adults.

Sallystyle · 20/11/2018 18:22

It is sad that someone has never met a decent step-parent.

My husband is an amazing step father. He loves them like his own, the only difference is genetics and you would never be able to tell that he isn't their father.

Sadly their dad died and DH was our rock through that awful time. He has nothing but love for them.

Blended families can work well. We had a rough 18 months (me and my ex) but in the end we were all so close. I was a huge support for his wife at the end of his life and we all co-parented so well. We were friends.

I had an awful step mum but she was only 18 and the one to blame the most for that is my father for allowing it to happen and for marrying someone so young and mixed up.

I think step-parents can get a tough time here. I have read a few threads here which did make me sad or piss me off, but it isn't a regular thing. I don't venture into the step parenting board though.

Whatwhatt · 20/11/2018 18:22

Such a silly way of thinking.

My mum's sister (my auntie) is her 'step' sibling. To her she's just her sister. No step about it and she'd have her no other way.

I think a lot of people with 'step' siblings (who they probably just see as their sister and brother) would be pretty damn offended at the suggestion their mum or dad were awful for having them.

SillySallySingsSongs · 20/11/2018 18:22

Yes, whatt i believe it is because it shows your original children that they are less family than the one with the new partner.

No it doesn't. You are massively projecting.