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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be concerned about leaving baby alone with MIL

152 replies

Bibijayne · 20/11/2018 09:39

Posting for traffic. Not sure where else to post this.

I am breastfeeding (with occasional expressed milk) my three month old. He's pretty happy and healthy, a bit of a happy spitter as they call it. Loves guzzling boob and then spits up a bit. Sometimes a bit gassy if I have too much cow's milk/ for a bit after having rotavirus vaccine (but both doses out of the way now - last Thursday).

Anyway, background over. My husband is away this week for a training course with work. He chatted to his mum, who is pretty bossy but well-meaning, to ask for a bit of help this week. She came up Sunday and has just gone back home to work a couple of shifts. She's coming back Wednesday night. We're having the kitchen redone next week and she's helped move stuff into the dining room ready. She's helped give cuddles to our DS and when I needed a nap and he was still up the other night she took him for an hour and a bit and gave him some expressed milk.

All good right.

This morning we popped downstairs before she headed off. She asked for a cuddle. No problem. I made myself some coffee and an oat pot. She insisted on putting him in his bouncer (she keeps wanting to 'hold him' but then actually just wants to put him in his pram/ his bouncer... Mild BEC) so we could eat.

No probs.

She asks about something or other... Can't really recall now, but it involved me popping out of the room and leaving DS with her briefly.

No probs?

I come back and DS is a bit grizzly. MIL eating a fresh oat pot. I say he wants food. She says he can't as he'd eaten and been sick recently. I said 'that's not how babies work,'. She said he can't be hungry because he's not crying. Again I said that he's pretty clear when he wants stuff (hands in mouth, tongue in an out... Staring intently at boobs).

Anyway, I go to feed him and he's arching his back and really unhappy. Spit up some more. I clean him up and give him a cuddle.

Cleaning up the vomit, it's clear there's porridge oats stuck to his cheek.

Odd right? I wasn't holding him eating mine. And MIL had him in the bouncer. It also looks stuck on, like vomit.

I remark it's odd and she's oddly quiet. I mention it again a little later. She keeps changing the subject.

I cuddle little one until he's calm, and whilst she's in the shower I change him and decamp to give him boob.

I'm like 90% certain she fed my 3 month old, exclusively breastmilk fed baby porridge. She was yattering about how his dad had to have solids from 10 weeks because he was so hungry the other night.

I'm almost certain, but unsure how to prove it, that she tried to give my baby porridge. Which he the threw up. That upset his tummy.

I'm flummoxed. She's been helpful to an extent and she's doing us and DH a favour by coming down, but I really don't trust her alone with DS now. Am I BU? Am I jumping to conclusions? Could she have just accidentally dropped some porridge and it landed on DS cheek and he's grizzly for another reason? If so, why not say something when I noticed it and mentioned it?

If she did something stupid, like try to offer him porridge, why not admit it? Better to admit it and apologise than this?

I'm going to try and chat to DH, but I'm not sure what to do, especially if she denies it. I don't really want her round DS unsupervised now.

Help MN!

OP posts:
Blanchedupetitpois · 20/11/2018 09:42

Hard to say, as he’s a bit of a sicky baby anyway. Does she have form for being secretive / deceitful? I would probably give her another chance on the basis that you don’t have much to go on at the moment, but keep an eye out.

Bibijayne · 20/11/2018 09:49

@Blanchedupetitpois she's very bossy and prone to boundary stomping if not kept in check. She has a terrible relationship with her other DIL. We get on well, but I'd say it would to be out of character to do something sneaky. This is first and only grandchild.

She is one for unsolicited advice and opinions on DS. We're pretty clear where we disagree and politely shut her down. She has occasionally expressed some odd ideas as to what is okay for grandparents to do... But I'm not sure how much is jest or not. I have Asperger's so I'm not good at some of the subtlies of stuff. But I'm pretty certain something is off.

I don't think she'd do anything malicious, she just has a tendancy of thinking she knows best in all scenarios.

The problem is, proving it. I guess I'll just have to be super careful until DH is back Friday evening. Which slightly defeats the object today her being here...

OP posts:
flighthelpneeded · 20/11/2018 09:56

Gosh OP that was very long and detailed and it all seems a bit hand wringy over something that you don't know even happened. Your baby is a 'happy spitter' any way, it's not confirmation that she has fed him an oat pot. You do say that it isn't in her character to be sneaky so I would let this go. If you're not happy to leave him unsupervised with her then don't.

cadburysflake · 20/11/2018 09:58

It does sound like she’s given the baby a taste, I’d be pretty mad too if I was you. I think I’d struggle to trust her with my baby alone, the fact that she’s lied about it too makes matters worse. You don’t need to leave the baby alone with her, just make sure you are always there.

My mil was feeding my husband solids at 12 weeks old too, she didn’t breastfeed him either so she had very little knowledge about breastfeeding etc. She’d often mention her giving solids at 12 weeks once our eldest reached that age, I’d just repeat that the guidelines are no solids until 6 months now. I never left either of my children alone with her, but I wouldn’t have been surprised if she tried something similar if I’d given her the chance.

MiggledyHiggins · 20/11/2018 09:59

If he spit up, it would be in the vomit rather than just on his cheek I think.

If I had to guess I'd say that maybe she offered him the tip of a teaspoon and he turned his head (because he's EBF and too little to understand it's food on the spoon) and she had no time to wipe it off him, hence the sheepishness when you spotted it.

hamburgers · 20/11/2018 10:02

I'm guessing your mil gave DS a taste which is absolutely not ok at 3 months and you have to tell her this. Old people fed tiny babies all sorts of shit back in the day and you need to make it absolutely clear when you are intending to introduce solids and DS is not to have anything apart from breastmilk without your say so.

However, apart from that your mil is helping you out in a big way while your DH is away. Not all of us have such a luxury to get a break!!

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 20/11/2018 10:02

So she gave him some of her porridge from her oat pot?

Bibijayne · 20/11/2018 10:05

@flighthelpneeded sorry that's a typo and I can't change it. I meant to say, I could well believe she would be sneaky. Especially if she thinks she can prove a point. I don't think she'd do something if she believed it would hurt DS... However she has some very old-fashioned views as to what is/ is not okay for babies (we keep having to explain SIDS guidance. At length...). She's not malicious, but if she thought she was in the right I could well believe her just going ahead and doing something like this.

@MiggledyHiggins the oats were mixed with some of his vomit. Which is why I think she succeeded in giving him a taste.

OP posts:
Bibijayne · 20/11/2018 10:07

@WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit

Yes. Whilst I was briefly out of the room. She's pretending she did not / rather not acknowledging that I said anything about how strange it was that there were oats with his vomit on his cheek...and that he's suddenly a lot less happy.

OP posts:
Bibijayne · 20/11/2018 10:08

Thanks @cadburysflake she knows we're not introducing solids until he's six months. It's been mentioned afew times before when she's talked about my DH having solids with his formula from 10 weeks.

OP posts:
DartmoorDoughnut · 20/11/2018 10:11

I would just ask her “MIL did you give the baby some porridge?” I wouldn’t say anything else just sit and wait, people talk more when you don’t fill the silence.

GinandGingerBeer · 20/11/2018 10:14

Ask her outright. Is she still there? If not phone her, the weaning advice has changed for a reason, very important ones too. It doesn't matter if it was a teaspoons worth, it's not her place to make that decision, it's your DS not hers. Get your big pants on and tell her.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 20/11/2018 10:14

Have you asked her? She might lie but you’ll have a better idea about how to deal with it.

Porridge, even ready brek type stuff is very different to the baby cereal that used to be put in babies bottles. She would know that surely?

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 20/11/2018 10:15

Op, mumsnet is FULL of threads where grandparents have talked about feeding solids to babies and sometimes this has extended to secretly feeding them without the mum’s knowledge. Fuck knows why people think this is acceptable.
I definitely think she fed him.

Tweakanddashi · 20/11/2018 10:17

It's not just too early, it's also not a great position to give the baby food when he's reclined in a bouncer.

PhilomenaButterfly · 20/11/2018 10:22

I'd go nuts if it were my DS. No, you can't trust her, she'll do what she thinks is right whenever you're out the room.

Perfectpeony · 20/11/2018 10:23

She sounds like a nightmare. I would get your DH to talk to his Mum and like a PP said ask her directly. If it’s the case then that’s a really bad thing for her to do. So yes I would consider stopping her being alone with the baby.

Bibijayne · 20/11/2018 10:23

Hi PP, I asked if she knew how the porridge got there. She went silent and then started talking about another subject. I'm really upset. This isn't the first boundary stomp! She announced our pregnancy and the birth of DS on Facebook before we did. Fortunatly we'd toldpretty much everyone important already and she doesn't have that many friends on FB...

OP posts:
CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 20/11/2018 10:24

And yes, this is a bloody choking hazard. I’d go apeshit.

Bibijayne · 20/11/2018 10:26

DS was a bit premie too (36+6) though didn't have an NICU stay. Born at 5lbs 15oz,went down to 5lbs 8oz but regained birthweight at three weeks. He was just shy of double his birthweight at his 11 week appt.

OP posts:
Bibijayne · 20/11/2018 10:27

Sorry, trying to not drip feed! She left just after 9am. I was a bit in shock at first. Now pretty angry and upset

OP posts:
EncroachingLoaf · 20/11/2018 10:27

I would try to find a way to manage without having her round 'helping'. Is that an option? Do you really need her there? I mean I know it's nice to be able to have a nap but is it worth it? Doesn't sound like she's making your life easier by being there.

Did YOU actually want her to come? I'd tell my DH to jog on if he wanted to send MIL round if he was away. No bloody thanks I'd rather struggle a bit on my own, esp if she's going to feed my 3 month old porridge (though you don't know if she did or not unless you ask).

stiltonontoast · 20/11/2018 10:31

Oh thats terrible! It does sound like she's sneakily given him a teaspoon of oats.

I think I'd have to ask her directly. Say you found oats in his vomit and later on in his poo (white lie) and ask if he could have gotten hold of any.

Lunde · 20/11/2018 10:31

It definitely sounds as though she has fed him some oats as he has vomited oats and has trampled on all of your boundaries.

I guess if she has fed him a spoon from an adult oat pot then it contains sugar, cows' milk and other seasonings that may have given him a stomach ache. I would tell her directly not to feed the baby anything - in fact if it were my baby I wouldn't leave them alone together.

Singlenotsingle · 20/11/2018 10:32

When mine were babies the guidelines were to start solids at 4 months. As far as I'm aware, and I'm no expert, this wasn't harmful. We started solids at 4 months, maybe even 3. The guidelines have nowchanged - who knows which recommendation is best?

Having said that, it's your baby! If my ddil had said six months, six months it would be! I wouldn't dream of superimposing my beliefs over hers. It wouldn't be worth risking my relationship with her.

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