To be concerned about leaving baby alone with MIL

[Bibijayne]

Posting for traffic. Not sure where else to post this.

I am breastfeeding (with occasional expressed milk) my three month old. He's pretty happy and healthy, a bit of a happy spitter as they call it. Loves guzzling boob and then spits up a bit. Sometimes a bit gassy if I have too much cow's milk/ for a bit after having rotavirus vaccine (but both doses out of the way now - last Thursday).

Anyway, background over. My husband is away this week for a training course with work. He chatted to his mum, who is pretty bossy but well-meaning, to ask for a bit of help this week. She came up Sunday and has just gone back home to work a couple of shifts. She's coming back Wednesday night. We're having the kitchen redone next week and she's helped move stuff into the dining room ready. She's helped give cuddles to our DS and when I needed a nap and he was still up the other night she took him for an hour and a bit and gave him some expressed milk.

All good right.

This morning we popped downstairs before she headed off. She asked for a cuddle. No problem. I made myself some coffee and an oat pot. She insisted on putting him in his bouncer (she keeps wanting to 'hold him' but then actually just wants to put him in his pram/ his bouncer... Mild BEC) so we could eat.

No probs.

She asks about something or other... Can't really recall now, but it involved me popping out of the room and leaving DS with her briefly.

No probs?

I come back and DS is a bit grizzly. MIL eating a fresh oat pot. I say he wants food. She says he can't as he'd eaten and been sick recently. I said 'that's not how babies work,'. She said he can't be hungry because he's not crying. Again I said that he's pretty clear when he wants stuff (hands in mouth, tongue in an out... Staring intently at boobs).

Anyway, I go to feed him and he's arching his back and really unhappy. Spit up some more. I clean him up and give him a cuddle.

Cleaning up the vomit, it's clear there's porridge oats stuck to his cheek.

Odd right? I wasn't holding him eating mine. And MIL had him in the bouncer. It also looks stuck on, like vomit.

I remark it's odd and she's oddly quiet. I mention it again a little later. She keeps changing the subject.

I cuddle little one until he's calm, and whilst she's in the shower I change him and decamp to give him boob.

I'm like 90% certain she fed my 3 month old, exclusively breastmilk fed baby porridge. She was yattering about how his dad had to have solids from 10 weeks because he was so hungry the other night.

I'm almost certain, but unsure how to prove it, that she tried to give my baby porridge. Which he the threw up. That upset his tummy.

I'm flummoxed. She's been helpful to an extent and she's doing us and DH a favour by coming down, but I really don't trust her alone with DS now. Am I BU? Am I jumping to conclusions? Could she have just accidentally dropped some porridge and it landed on DS cheek and he's grizzly for another reason? If so, why not say something when I noticed it and mentioned it?

If she did something stupid, like try to offer him porridge, why not admit it? Better to admit it and apologise than this?

I'm going to try and chat to DH, but I'm not sure what to do, especially if she denies it. I don't really want her round DS unsupervised now.

Help MN!

Guidelines have been 6 months since 2003 and were 4-6 months before thst so they Don't 'change all the time'. People have also been saying on here for at least 5 years that guidelines are going to change back but they never have!

I can only imagine how you're feeling OP. The question is, now you know she's done it and just as importantly that she didn't own up when you asked, what are you going to do next?

I don't think I could in all honesty have someone in my house around my DC who so blatantly disregarded my wishes like that. To have not then told you about it just makes it so much worse. I'd make sure your DH is on the same page as you but I think I'd have to insist she not return for the foreseeable future. She needs to have a serious reality check that she does not make the decisions with your DS and that she has seriously broken your trust. It is up to to her to rectify the situation. Stand your ground here OP or you may have a lifetime of her being devious around your DS otherwise.

If it were me I would be passively-aggressively asking her to confirm how much porridge she gave him as he has been sick with some oats and you need to give the GP the full picture.

Then I would be giving her a very clear message that as she cannot abide by yours and DH's clearly stated wishes about DS, she will not be allowed to see him unsupervised until she has regained your trust.

I'd also be sure to have DH delivering or co-delivering that message so you cannot be accused of being a difficult DIL - you need to be a united front.

Am not normally one for that sort of message but it's clear you're well beyond a "MIL we would prefer you didn't do that" as she knew full well what she was going was against your wishes and did it behind your back.

I would message to say baby has been throwing up oats. That you need to know if she has fed baby or if you need to rush to A&E as something is definitely wrong.

And there is a world of difference between giving a spoonful of porridge made with baby milk, with parents being aware and alert and porridge filled with sweeteners and extras to a baby in a bouncy chair against parents wishes without admitting what was done and behind their backs.

My DD is 4 and has a milk allergy among other allergies. A spoonful of porridge made with cows milk would make her so poorly now I cannot imagine how awful it would have been at 3 months.
You really do need to put your foot down as even without the suspected cmpa her behaviour is ridiculous.
As a pp mentioned, that processed porridge will be sweetened and full of preservatives and way too much for the immature gut of a 3 month old.

If you message to say the baby has been throwing up oats, and she gave him a tiny tiny taste, she will know you are lying.
Honestly the way to deal with situations is never to lie or be passive aggressive.

Sure, but my point stands. We’ve figured out when leeches are actually the best thing to use and when it’s entirely inappropriate just as we’ve figured out when it’s best to wean babies and when earlier weaning is medically necessary.

It’s the whole “who knows what’s best?” Mentality that irks me.

abacucat but he has been throwing up oats.

My MIL and SFIL thought it was fun to put hard sweets to DS1’s tongue, as he would make a face (under 3 months, only tasted formula) until DH read them the riot act (and yes, you absolutely can read the riot act to people over endangering your child).

I nearly choked to death on a biscuit at around 3 months that gran had shoved in my mouth to “keep me quiet” - mum came back in time to dangle me upside down and wallop my back. Funnily enough, despite being older than MIL and SFIL, she managed to respect boundaries around food, almost as though she had experienced “granny knows best” going horribly wrong...

Umm I would be livid, and I love my ILs and believe in getting along with people and avoiding drama. And I have a lot of respect for granny wisdom, who knows guidelines may change back again re: timing of solids.

But NONE of that is the point. The points are: she knew she wasn’t supposed to, she went behind your back with your 3 month old (!) baby, for no good reason. She also stole an important moment from you and DH.

Really sorry OP, I think you are completely right. I would text & ask outright (since baby is grizzly) and then talk to DH. Ideally he will go nutso at her so she gets the message loud & clear.

That being said, it doesn’t sound like any lasting harm has happened fortunately, so hopefully by tomorrow bubs will be his cheery self again :)

Sorry just to add; I come from a traditional/ old ways are the best culture. My dad suggested giving my 4month old honey (traditional). I said ‘no, guidelines blah’. He pooh-poohed the guidelines but left it there because, although he doesn’t respect the guidelines, he respects my wishes as the parent. End of as far as he was concerned.

Can you just ask her outright and save yourself worrying?

I don't allow my mother in law to babysit my little one at all after she told me she weaned my husband at 6 weeks ! If you don't think you can trust her not to give the baby food then I would avoid her looking after the baby until it's a little older

I agree dementedpixie my eldest is nearly 7 and everyone was saying the guidelines were “just about to change back to 4 months” back when I was first weaning her!

I agree that asking “HOW much porridge did you give him?” rather than “DID you give him porridge?” is the way forward. Doesn’t matter if you sound aggressive - you must be livid.

I also thought it was interesting that asks to hold the baby only to put him in the bouncer as soon as you leave the room. Total passive aggression. She wants you to know she thinks you’re “spoiling” him

Although people did try a bit of natural baby rice or mashed potato at 4-6 months in the old days - no idiot would have fed a 3 month old EBF baby with a flavoured Oats-so-Simple that is full of additives and cows milk!

philomena He threw up and had a tiny bit of oat in his vomit.

He also vomitted later on with more oats being present

I think asking straight out is probably best. Ring her, don't text "did you give DS some of your porridge? He's been really sick and in pain and throwing up what looks like oats and I may need to bring him to the doctor so I need to know the truth in case he's having an allergic reaction"

If she says yes, just hang up on her. Let her stew with worry that she's hurt him. She has. She's caused his tummy pain because she wanted to lord it over you that she knew more than you about babies, ignoring best practice, health visitor advice and your own wishes.

@Haworthia good spot! She even does it when I'm in the room!! Once thing to put him in it if she's watching him (totally time she has been alone with him is under two hours) and another if I'm there. She keeps trying to say she's helping... But I like holding and cuddling my baby. He loves cuddles. Not just from me either (unless he's really hungry).

I have Asperger's, which she knows, so I don't really get passive aggression when it happens. It just comes across odd or mean. How can you possibly spoil a three month old?

I would just ask her point blank if she gave him porridge.

I have a MIL who thinks she knows best too and made our daughter sick because of it as well.

It's a good job she was excited to see him, because if I were in your shoes she'd not be seeing him again after this.

Unnaceptable behaviour from mil.

But I would add that the guidelines will be changing back to 4 months eventually. My sons allergist paediatrician told me as all the latest research is that late weaning is partly responsible for the rise in food allergies in this county ( note I weaned my first born at 6 months and he has multiple allergies). If your child has any type of eczema/atopic etc. I urge people to look into the research themselves and consider weaning at 4/5 months. Please take that from a mother who has to carry an epi pen.
I have done/am doing early weaning with my next two children who so far have no allergies.

UPDATE. WHERE OP EATS HUMBLEPIE.

So, I've had a grizzly sad baby all day. Given okay by GP (they asked to check him for dehydration when I asked for advice). Baby boy's solution to bad tummy is clusterfeeding hard.

So I ordered a ridiculously decadent chocolate waffle to feel better/ regain some calories.

Snuggling baby, who's been feeding on an off. So eating one handed. Baby boy grabs a fallen crumb... And immediately tries to put it in his mouth.

DH is going to try and gently find out if he did something similar this morning / could have if she was being absent minded.

I'm still.keeping my eyes peeled and boundaries in place. But as my baby just tried to eat adult food himself, I have to be aware that is a possibility.

Glad I vented here first before I went nuclear! Thanks MN.