To be concerned about leaving baby alone with MIL

[Bibijayne]

Posting for traffic. Not sure where else to post this.

I am breastfeeding (with occasional expressed milk) my three month old. He's pretty happy and healthy, a bit of a happy spitter as they call it. Loves guzzling boob and then spits up a bit. Sometimes a bit gassy if I have too much cow's milk/ for a bit after having rotavirus vaccine (but both doses out of the way now - last Thursday).

Anyway, background over. My husband is away this week for a training course with work. He chatted to his mum, who is pretty bossy but well-meaning, to ask for a bit of help this week. She came up Sunday and has just gone back home to work a couple of shifts. She's coming back Wednesday night. We're having the kitchen redone next week and she's helped move stuff into the dining room ready. She's helped give cuddles to our DS and when I needed a nap and he was still up the other night she took him for an hour and a bit and gave him some expressed milk.

All good right.

This morning we popped downstairs before she headed off. She asked for a cuddle. No problem. I made myself some coffee and an oat pot. She insisted on putting him in his bouncer (she keeps wanting to 'hold him' but then actually just wants to put him in his pram/ his bouncer... Mild BEC) so we could eat.

No probs.

She asks about something or other... Can't really recall now, but it involved me popping out of the room and leaving DS with her briefly.

No probs?

I come back and DS is a bit grizzly. MIL eating a fresh oat pot. I say he wants food. She says he can't as he'd eaten and been sick recently. I said 'that's not how babies work,'. She said he can't be hungry because he's not crying. Again I said that he's pretty clear when he wants stuff (hands in mouth, tongue in an out... Staring intently at boobs).

Anyway, I go to feed him and he's arching his back and really unhappy. Spit up some more. I clean him up and give him a cuddle.

Cleaning up the vomit, it's clear there's porridge oats stuck to his cheek.

Odd right? I wasn't holding him eating mine. And MIL had him in the bouncer. It also looks stuck on, like vomit.

I remark it's odd and she's oddly quiet. I mention it again a little later. She keeps changing the subject.

I cuddle little one until he's calm, and whilst she's in the shower I change him and decamp to give him boob.

I'm like 90% certain she fed my 3 month old, exclusively breastmilk fed baby porridge. She was yattering about how his dad had to have solids from 10 weeks because he was so hungry the other night.

I'm almost certain, but unsure how to prove it, that she tried to give my baby porridge. Which he the threw up. That upset his tummy.

I'm flummoxed. She's been helpful to an extent and she's doing us and DH a favour by coming down, but I really don't trust her alone with DS now. Am I BU? Am I jumping to conclusions? Could she have just accidentally dropped some porridge and it landed on DS cheek and he's grizzly for another reason? If so, why not say something when I noticed it and mentioned it?

If she did something stupid, like try to offer him porridge, why not admit it? Better to admit it and apologise than this?

I'm going to try and chat to DH, but I'm not sure what to do, especially if she denies it. I don't really want her round DS unsupervised now.

Help MN!

I agree I would ask her outright and if she says yes say well you know we are not weaning yet and I would appreciate it if you don't go over my head again. your not being rude, your being straight forward about your child.

Your MIL gave your baby porridge. I would let my DH handle it with his mother and I would be fuming.

If you gave her a direct instruction - like "do not feed him anything aside from breastmilk" would she ignore you? If she would I wouldn't leave my baby with her. I think you need to discuss this outright with her - ask her did she feed him. Or ask her why she fed him. (sounds like she did but if she lies when asked directly then you know you can't trust her with your child). It doesn't matter what the norms were when she was a mother. It doesn't matter what she did when she was a mother. Neither are relevant now and with your child. (My MIL would blither on about the wide variety of things she gave her babies, in wonder at this strange breed I was raising (aka breast-fed babies) without joining any dots to the allergies her children have - or any heed to the existing medical advice against doing what she did).

Sounds like she gave him some porridge to try. Maybe he was looking at hers longingly. It wasn't that long ago that babies were given baby porridge from 12 weeks. Rules change all the time, generation to generation and the present advice (if you look hard) suggests if your baby shows an interest in your food at three months plus it may be time to introduce more solid food. It's really your choice though and MIL shouldn't go against your wishes. I would ask her outright if it were me. My baby, my way.

Lots of now 20/30/40 year olds were weaned between 6/12 weeks.
Guess what?
They are still alive.
"quide lines" change , you MIL probably isnt up to date wth recent quideline, but that does not make her malicious or dangerous around your son.
It wont hurt him,
just explain the "quidelines" to her and say new research has shown EBF for 6mths is better now to ward against allergies/obesity.
I gave my son babyrice at 6weeks old as he was 10lb.2oz at birth and he was a VERY hungry breastfed baby.
Nothing un toward happened to him, hes 6ft.2 now.
This is the problem , that MIL's of a certain age/generation remember what they did and think "well it was ok for my kids."
She needs a gentle explaination of research.

Stilton why lie, absolutely no need

I think it would be best not to have her help out tbh. Or you can ask her outright again if she fed your baby porridge and see what she says. You either have the choice of not leaving him alone with her or telling her under no circumstances does she feed him anything again.

Depends on how much you need her help.

O and well done you. Breast milk is the best way to prevent future allergies.

The guidelines have nowchanged - who knows which recommendation is best?

FFS. We used to use leeches too to cure illness and now we use medicine - who knows which recommendation is best?

Science does. Ridiculous. Yes, many babies were weaned early in the past and many have had gastric issues as a result. Guidelines are changing about many things relating to babies - all we can do is follow the most recent evidence and hope for the best.

Yeah, she fed him porridge. Not okay. I would personally say something like “I just want to be clear that nowadays it’s not considered okay to feed babies any food until they are much older. So please do come and get me if he seems hungry. I know things have changed but it’s important you remember”. She might take offence... but a normal person would say “oh yes of course I wouldn’t do that and no problem etc”

I weaned early but all scientists are agreed that before 4.5months isn’t good. 4-6 is the potentially grey area. No one would suggest you feed a 3monrh old solid food

Guilty m’lud! She definitely fed him porridge. Probably full of all sorts of crap that isn’t suitable for a 6 month old let alone a 3 month old. You need to re-establish boundaries OP. Or better, get DH to do it. He can say DS was sick, maybe he accidentally ate porridge (!) and MIL must ensure solid food is kept away from him until you and you alone decide it is time for him to have baby-appropriate solids.

YANBU
She has form for ignoring boundaries so it wouldn't be unusual for her to do something like this.
Based on your description of what happened it sounds like she did it.
The worst thing is her hiding it from you and IMO that's a bigger problem than not respecting your wishes, because you won't be able to trust her to look after him and tell you the truth about it.
In your position I wouldn't leave baby alone with her again, I'm afraid.

As an aside, it sounds as if baby might have CMPA. That can cause reflux and other symptoms. (Reflux can also exist without CMPA as I'm sure you know, but it's worth considering CMPA.)
Some useful resources:
www.allergyuk.org/information-and-advice/conditions-and-symptoms/469-cows-milk-allergy
dilanandme.com/2018/01/15/cmpa-faqs-1/

I hate the whole 'rules change, we were fine' brigade. Rules changing on things like SIDS has saved thousands and thousands of lives. Why do grandparents think they can overrule decisions based on years of scientific research!? The weaning at 6 months rule has been around for years now it's not like it's chopping and changing all the time. And people aren't all OK are they, I know a LOT of adults with allergies, chrons, IBS etc. Of course people were following what they understood to be best advice at the time, so don't try and dissuade your children or children in law from doing the same

OP you might be able to tell in his poo. I'd tell her he is still upset and having tummy issues and ask her outright

Leeches are still used in modern medicine sinkgirl ( although they are pedigree Swedish and Hungarian leeches, not just any old leech).
Just ask her if she gave the baby porridge and reiterate no solids.

Would she respond better to your dh calling her and asking her if she fed her gs porridge?

I think current thinking - currently being explored and certainly not definitive - is that late weaning may be one of the causes of the allergy epidemic.

So the reason that people say ‘rules change’ is that some of the current and recent rules may actually be more dangerous than the old school rules. Where there’s strong evidence (back to sleep) we should treat rules as sacrosanct but where there isn’t, we shouldn’t.

That said, it’s not MILs job to do the rule breaking. At all. So you need to set the boundaries that matter to you OP. And tell MIL that these are not optional.

FFS. We used to use leeches too to cure illness and now we use medicine - who knows which recommendation is best?

FYI - we still use leeches.

sinkgirl Leeches are now used as cutting edge medicine.
Irrelevant to the issues here, but the guidelines are probably going to change soon to weaning at 4 months, as evidence suggests this reduces risk of allergies.

Yes, weirdly I think quite a few older women (I’m one) do this (I’d never!). When my oldest was a baby of about three months and EBF in 1974 we were visiting friends and friend’s mum gave my baby ham when I wasn’t there. I mean, ham, ffs! Never happened again and all was well but I wonder if it’s just the desire to feed a helpless baby something, overcoming them and triggering maternal instincts inappropriately. I guess in your position I’d find a way of letting her know you know and that you don’t approve, I think she sounds as though she knows she’s done wrong. It’s an awful overstepping of boundaries but he will survive it though. Tricky one.

Whatever the guidelines are, nobody would recommend giving a 3 month old baby normal porridge oats. My DCs are adults now but even 30 years ago baby rice wasn’t supposed to be given until 4-6 months.

You need to speak to DH and decide what to say to MIL. I wouldn’t leave her alone with the baby at all for the next few months. Better to move your kitchen stuff yourself or leave it until DH gets home.

Oh dear this is very familiar. Sympathies OP. My MIL did similar after endless handwringing that I wouldn’t allow my ds “a few chocolate buttons” when he was a few months old. Well she did, and he sicked up a horrible chocolatey milky mess. She denied it but his vomit literally smelled of chocolate!

In my case I think my MIL just always had a feeling that I was being “faddy” for want of a better word. She’s not a bad person, she is very generous with her time and advice, but we did disagree about some stuff and she used to do a whole spiel of leaning into ds and saying “poor little baby ....it’s not like a few chocolate buttons would kill you, would they?” (I also used to get “do you ever give that baby a break from nursing?” but that’s a whole other story!)

They didn’t kill my ds - of course - but it wasn’t about the buttons. I felt like I’d made my feelings known politely and sensitively and she’d tried to prove some sort of point.

Anyway, what’s done is done. Hopefully she’s learned a lesson from this. Try not to let it affect your relationship. She sounds like someone who just made a silly choice (doesn’t sound as if she’s tried to defend it).

I don't blame you at all for feeling angry about this!

It would be nice to give the benefit of the doubt in this situation, but I think it is best if you just come out with it and ask her simply if she fed him porridge. (Sorry if i've missed an update, only read the first page)

My PILs kept asking endlessly about whether we needed to add cereal/whatever to DC1's feeds- I think it was thing back in the day.
Also, MIL very keen on giving DC1 water then they were 6 weeks old- I wasnt keen on this, but couldn't really explain why.

This time round with DC2, I immediately shut down any discussion of giving anything but milk!

Thanks posters.

Just to clarify. She knows he only has breastmilk. There was even a bottle of 4oz of expressed milk in the fridge a few feet away if she thought he were hungry. We have said we are not weaning him until 6months a number of times and he only has breastmilk.

The oat pot was an apple one.

Thanks for info on CMPA @AnotherEmma - I think this is likely as he only tends to get whingy a day after I have lots of milk, instead of Oatly to drink. I've been cutting down on dairy subsequently, but I'll check in with our HV for more advice.

As a few posters have mentioned, it's the sneakiness. She deliberately got me out of the way long enough to try something she knew she was not to do and then lied about it.

The kitchen fitters were supposed to be starting this week,. But work got pushed back to next week. I usually manage pretty well on my own in the day. If I urgently need help my mum and dad live a few minutes away. DH asked her for help when he realised the clash with kitchen fitters and his course. She was excited to come visit and see DS so we didn't want to cancel her. It's also her birthday on the weekend.