To be concerned about leaving baby alone with MIL

[Bibijayne]

Posting for traffic. Not sure where else to post this.

I am breastfeeding (with occasional expressed milk) my three month old. He's pretty happy and healthy, a bit of a happy spitter as they call it. Loves guzzling boob and then spits up a bit. Sometimes a bit gassy if I have too much cow's milk/ for a bit after having rotavirus vaccine (but both doses out of the way now - last Thursday).

Anyway, background over. My husband is away this week for a training course with work. He chatted to his mum, who is pretty bossy but well-meaning, to ask for a bit of help this week. She came up Sunday and has just gone back home to work a couple of shifts. She's coming back Wednesday night. We're having the kitchen redone next week and she's helped move stuff into the dining room ready. She's helped give cuddles to our DS and when I needed a nap and he was still up the other night she took him for an hour and a bit and gave him some expressed milk.

All good right.

This morning we popped downstairs before she headed off. She asked for a cuddle. No problem. I made myself some coffee and an oat pot. She insisted on putting him in his bouncer (she keeps wanting to 'hold him' but then actually just wants to put him in his pram/ his bouncer... Mild BEC) so we could eat.

No probs.

She asks about something or other... Can't really recall now, but it involved me popping out of the room and leaving DS with her briefly.

No probs?

I come back and DS is a bit grizzly. MIL eating a fresh oat pot. I say he wants food. She says he can't as he'd eaten and been sick recently. I said 'that's not how babies work,'. She said he can't be hungry because he's not crying. Again I said that he's pretty clear when he wants stuff (hands in mouth, tongue in an out... Staring intently at boobs).

Anyway, I go to feed him and he's arching his back and really unhappy. Spit up some more. I clean him up and give him a cuddle.

Cleaning up the vomit, it's clear there's porridge oats stuck to his cheek.

Odd right? I wasn't holding him eating mine. And MIL had him in the bouncer. It also looks stuck on, like vomit.

I remark it's odd and she's oddly quiet. I mention it again a little later. She keeps changing the subject.

I cuddle little one until he's calm, and whilst she's in the shower I change him and decamp to give him boob.

I'm like 90% certain she fed my 3 month old, exclusively breastmilk fed baby porridge. She was yattering about how his dad had to have solids from 10 weeks because he was so hungry the other night.

I'm almost certain, but unsure how to prove it, that she tried to give my baby porridge. Which he the threw up. That upset his tummy.

I'm flummoxed. She's been helpful to an extent and she's doing us and DH a favour by coming down, but I really don't trust her alone with DS now. Am I BU? Am I jumping to conclusions? Could she have just accidentally dropped some porridge and it landed on DS cheek and he's grizzly for another reason? If so, why not say something when I noticed it and mentioned it?

If she did something stupid, like try to offer him porridge, why not admit it? Better to admit it and apologise than this?

I'm going to try and chat to DH, but I'm not sure what to do, especially if she denies it. I don't really want her round DS unsupervised now.

Help MN!

Can l pick up on another part of your op. You saying he needs feeding, mil saying he is fine as not crying etc. Stop debating all that stuff, pick up your baby and do what you want with him. Its not a debate.
And it doesn't matter what age anyone thinks you should introduce food. Parents decide..full stop. Maybe make it very clear. We are not giving solids until much later. Don't say a date as you may change your mind.
After making it clear l would keep mil if she is a help as overall she sounds ok. But l would stay around the house.
And no debating!!!

"I've been cutting down on dairy subsequently, but I'll check in with our HV for more advice."

I would be very surprised if the HV was helpful, I suggest you do your own research - the dilanandme link I shared is very helpful and references the nice guidelines.

Best practice is to cut out diary completely for 6 weeks, then you do the "yoghurt test" to confirm the allergy - you eat some yoghurt and wait 72 hours to see if baby reacts. If they do the allergy is confirmed.

It definitely sounds like she did. My eldest was a sicky cranky breastfed baby, I was advised to wean at 12 weeks (he’s 19) guidelines at the time were 4 months (which was widely 16 weeks). It was just a complete pain to be honest and not of huge benefit. I currently have a baby that’s similar to yours. She’s 16 weeks. Was born at 37 weeks (although seemed premie and needed a bit of help) was 6lb but dropped to 5lb8oz. Currently only 9lb13oz and I’ve been advised by paediatrician to start weaning at 20 weeks.
I would be furious if someone did this to my child.

They are guidelines not rules and I think it’s very possible they could change back to weaning earlier.

But that’s not the point. What you say goes. I’d be livid if my ebf baby was given oats or anything else for that matter.

Babies used to be given solids, like porridge, early on years ago. I wouldn't worry about it, it's not done him any harm. Fashions in baby feeding change. As long as there was no sugar in it, what's the worry. Even if there was it isn't going to hurt him as a one off.

I'd be more concerned about her doing something you didn't want her to do but doubt she'll do it again.

junebirthdaygirl

I totally agree with the no debating bit!

With DC1 I was much more of a people-pleaser and not wanting to rock the boat, but feeling upset when others got too involved/suggested what I should be doing.

Once, when DC1 was 4 months old and crying endlessly in the bed at my PILs home, MIL repeatedly told me to not go back in, leave him be etc
I decided to go up anyway and check- he had a loose blanket over his head

I was angry as they had completely disregarded the grow bag that I said should be used.

I digress.

The point is, whether guidelines/anecdotal evidence/your neighbour's dog recommend it, it's down to the parents when it comes to decisions with their children and it's not up for bloody debate!

@Rachelover40 well he's been crying and in distress ever since... I'd debate your 'no harm's philosphy. Also, infant mortality was a lot higher years ago... Let's not say it's okay for some older people to do as they feel with someone else's baby!

My mum, who is older than my MIL, would never do something like this. She would always ask first! Or at least own up. It's the sneakiness! And playing god with my baby's health.

BTW, it was a sweetened, flavoured oatsosimple.

Can confirm she definitely did give him some as he has thrown up more oats since.

I'd be fucking livid. I'd be a bit livid if it wasn't for the suspected milk allergy/intolerance. I'd be nuclear given the potential allergy (my dd has it too). I'd call dh as soon as I knew he'd be available and go from there.

Yes she did feed him! Or course she did. Granny knows best, right?

Just don't leave your baby with her. She will continue to feed him as she thinks she knows better than you.

Sorry.

Is also be really pissed off OP.
Like you say, your baby eating the oats is upsetting and not on, but what is more upsetting is that she lied and hid it from you, which breaks your trust.

DS was also a really sicky baby and everyone had something to say about it. Including my own DM who kept yabbering on about how I was weaned at 3months and why don't I give him some baby rice. I did the MN head tilt and tinkly laugh. She later (after he'd been weaned) gave him a huge mouthful of chocolate ice cream when I said she could give him a little taste and he went loopy for hours on the sugar.

Definitely tell DH and bring it up to MIL when you next see her. "I'm really hurt that my wishes were ignored and DS was fed porridge. I saw it in his vomit." This was your not blaming her directly (I.e YOU fed him porridge- shell just deny) See what she says if you phrase it like that.

• this way you're not blaming Sorry for typos

I would tell her he’s very very poorly and you’re thinking he needs medical attention too , can she think why?

Childish but might scare her into not bloody doing it again.

YANU for using sentences like “loves guzzling boob”

The porridge that babies were given years ago would have been freshly made in the pot, not sweetened flavoured packet stuff full of preservatives and sweeteners.

Don't debate your baby's needs with MIL, and I'd not be leaving the room if she is eating anything. Hope your DS feels better soon.

Well i’d tell her not to bother coming back

She fed your baby and lied about it

If you feel like being nice make aome reason up to cancel her, but definitely cancel

She trashed your boundaries, so put them back in place with a bang. This is the only way these people learn.

Agree that if parents are following current guidelines, then it's not up to anyone else to try anything different. (What if mother was feeding oats at 3 months and MIL suggested this was a bad idea? Would it still be "my baby, my rules"?)

People have always had food allergies, but not to the extent that we have nowadays, where it's accepted that if you are going into a crowded environment with children present, you don't take food with peanuts in. So is it the big change in weaning? There's been research suggesting early exposure reduces risk, and US guidelines have changed. Or is it something else entirely?

There have been so many changes of guidelines over so many things in the last 50 years, and sometimes changes back again too. So I quite understand older people feeling that there's an element of fashion rather than the inexorable rise in scientific knowledge. Doesn't excuse going against parents' wishes.

Remember my generation weren't just following old wives tales, we too were following the latest research.

Yanbu

This is your child not MIL's. You don't need to justify not leaving her in sole charge. She sounds batshit.

My advice to you is nip this shit in the bud right now or it will escalate. Confront her every time she stomps a boundary. Short and sharp. No discussion, no explanation. Just NO.

Do not give her any further opportunity to pull this type of crap. Breezily "just taking DC to the loo" don't justify it. "Oh I'll hold him" breezily take him out of the bouncer.

You will regret it forever if you don't nip it in the bud!

My MIL gave my Dd a rusk when she was 4mth old without asking first. I'd just ask her if she had and say you don't want solids introducing yet and just keep repeating that

Breast milk is the best way to prevent future allergies

That should of course read "breast milk is the best way to TRY to prevent future allergies" not everyone who is breastfed will be allergy free.

Why do we always persist with the "get your dh to speak to her"? You think she did something you don't want her to do then tell her calmly and clearly that you know she did, it's not to happen again, and you are very disappointed that she went against your wishes. You do not need your dh, who isn't even there, to speak for you.

I'd be livid OP. And I'd be ringing her to say 'MIL you need to be honest and tell me if you fed baby. He's being sick, there are oats in it and I'm concerned he's having a reaction, i need to know in case a doctor asks me what he's eaten'. She'll tell the truth then!

People calling medical guidelines 'fashions' There's a reason the NHS say 6 months unless on individual medical advice. There's also a huge number of 20/30/40 + year olds with stomach/gastro conditions which may or may not be linked to early weaning. But hey, your kids were fine so errant MILs can crack on feeding weeks old babies if they fancy it.

Honestly.

@MereDintofPandiculation

'Remember my generation weren't just following old wives tales, we too were following the latest research.'

I don't dispute that, but I know my baby and it's up to DH and I what guidelines we follow and what one's we do not. It is not MIL's place to do as she sees fit against our express wishes.

Hi @flowerandflower - DH and o have said quire a few times no solids. This wasn't a didn't know better situation.

Rules change all the time, generation to generation and the present advice (if you look hard) suggests if your baby shows an interest in your food at three months plus it may be time to introduce more solid food

No. The absolute earliest it is recommended to give solids is 17 weeks, and that’s only under medical advice.
Saying ‘advice was different back then’ is entirely irrelevant. If people of that generation followed their current guidelines, then we should be allowed to do the same. Plus the OP has made it clear that she doesn’t want her baby to be given solids.
If the MIL thought it was ok, she wouldn’t have lied about it.

Remember my generation weren't just following old wives tales, we too were following the latest research

Then allow current parents the choice to do the same.

At this point I would be sending a message saying that ds has now thrown up more oats. As she was the only person with him it is clear she gave him some. I would tell her that I'm very upset about it and it has actually made ds unwell and distressed. I would then tell her (not ask) to not do it again and explain that I was upset as I thought I could trust her with my child.

Then I would not leave her unsupervised with your baby.