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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be concerned about leaving baby alone with MIL

152 replies

Bibijayne · 20/11/2018 09:39

Posting for traffic. Not sure where else to post this.

I am breastfeeding (with occasional expressed milk) my three month old. He's pretty happy and healthy, a bit of a happy spitter as they call it. Loves guzzling boob and then spits up a bit. Sometimes a bit gassy if I have too much cow's milk/ for a bit after having rotavirus vaccine (but both doses out of the way now - last Thursday).

Anyway, background over. My husband is away this week for a training course with work. He chatted to his mum, who is pretty bossy but well-meaning, to ask for a bit of help this week. She came up Sunday and has just gone back home to work a couple of shifts. She's coming back Wednesday night. We're having the kitchen redone next week and she's helped move stuff into the dining room ready. She's helped give cuddles to our DS and when I needed a nap and he was still up the other night she took him for an hour and a bit and gave him some expressed milk.

All good right.

This morning we popped downstairs before she headed off. She asked for a cuddle. No problem. I made myself some coffee and an oat pot. She insisted on putting him in his bouncer (she keeps wanting to 'hold him' but then actually just wants to put him in his pram/ his bouncer... Mild BEC) so we could eat.

No probs.

She asks about something or other... Can't really recall now, but it involved me popping out of the room and leaving DS with her briefly.

No probs?

I come back and DS is a bit grizzly. MIL eating a fresh oat pot. I say he wants food. She says he can't as he'd eaten and been sick recently. I said 'that's not how babies work,'. She said he can't be hungry because he's not crying. Again I said that he's pretty clear when he wants stuff (hands in mouth, tongue in an out... Staring intently at boobs).

Anyway, I go to feed him and he's arching his back and really unhappy. Spit up some more. I clean him up and give him a cuddle.

Cleaning up the vomit, it's clear there's porridge oats stuck to his cheek.

Odd right? I wasn't holding him eating mine. And MIL had him in the bouncer. It also looks stuck on, like vomit.

I remark it's odd and she's oddly quiet. I mention it again a little later. She keeps changing the subject.

I cuddle little one until he's calm, and whilst she's in the shower I change him and decamp to give him boob.

I'm like 90% certain she fed my 3 month old, exclusively breastmilk fed baby porridge. She was yattering about how his dad had to have solids from 10 weeks because he was so hungry the other night.

I'm almost certain, but unsure how to prove it, that she tried to give my baby porridge. Which he the threw up. That upset his tummy.

I'm flummoxed. She's been helpful to an extent and she's doing us and DH a favour by coming down, but I really don't trust her alone with DS now. Am I BU? Am I jumping to conclusions? Could she have just accidentally dropped some porridge and it landed on DS cheek and he's grizzly for another reason? If so, why not say something when I noticed it and mentioned it?

If she did something stupid, like try to offer him porridge, why not admit it? Better to admit it and apologise than this?

I'm going to try and chat to DH, but I'm not sure what to do, especially if she denies it. I don't really want her round DS unsupervised now.

Help MN!

OP posts:
Thehop · 20/11/2018 23:38

What ohforfoxsake said with bells on 👆

TenForward82 · 21/11/2018 06:48

Hmm You seriously think your 3 month old managed to feed himself spoonfuls of oats and the only sign was one flake on his cheek?

Are you just trying to avoid confrontation?

crispysausagerolls · 21/11/2018 10:06

Where tf has OP gone

WellThisIsShit · 21/11/2018 10:59

Humm, I don’t quite see why the Mil is off the hook.

Sorry, I know it’s the much nicer option. Flowers

Turquoise123 · 21/11/2018 17:37

If she fed your baby solids when she knew you did not want this then that is shocking.

That is an awful lot worse than not understanding boundaries.

Hailthelime · 21/11/2018 17:37

IMO she definitely tried to feed your baby oats and I would say it’s because she wanted to prove something. I would be livid. It’s like the grandparents that cut the child’s hair without asking.

Littlechocola · 21/11/2018 17:45

Just ask her! ‘Did you feed him porridge?’
Easy

LovelyIssues · 21/11/2018 17:45

Ask her outright, 3 months is far too young for solids!! She sounds like she's been amazing help wise but this is definitely over stepping the boundary. I wouldnt ask her to help and more

LovelyIssues · 21/11/2018 17:49

a 3 month old obviously didnt reach over and help himself to porridge Hmm really OP Hmm

JudyLovesBooks · 21/11/2018 17:58

Mil would know from bringing up her own children that’s weaning was with baby rice or baby porridge. Absolutely not adult porridge. So I really doubt she would have fed him with food that she would not have used with her own baby. I’m in my 60s and we did wean by 4 months but specifically with baby foods.
However I don’t understand how he got porridge on his cheek. It’s a bit strange.

Fuckimdoingaphd · 21/11/2018 18:22

It's unlikely to have done him harm, but she shouldn't have done it.

I'd also ask for a referral to a dietician at the hospital to see if you can get to the bottom of his sicky issues - you might find you need to exclude foods from your diet for a while. Good luck.

pollymere · 21/11/2018 18:25

My MIL fed dd green potatoes when she was tiny, and whole peanuts. MIL can often have outdated views. It sounds as if you can't trust her alone unfortunately. Tbh, I'm not sure I'd have trusted my mum either to not have fed her spaghetti bol or something!

0lgaDaPolga · 21/11/2018 18:37

My nearly 18 month old can’t even get a spoonful of porridge in his mouth without making an almighty mess. You would know if he had put it in his own mouth believe me, and your mil would have certainly noticed.

Buttonsareforever · 21/11/2018 18:56

How could he steal a handful of porridge out her pot which is in her hand if he is in his baby bouncer??

willitbe · 21/11/2018 19:42

Can confirm she definitely did give him some as he has thrown up more oats since. sorry but if he threw up oats subsequently there was absolutely no way it could have been an accidental grab of a little oats. Even f it had been accidentally getting too close, then a quick grab of the babies fist and wipe it off before it gets to the mouth (as it sounds like you did!) should have prevented much being eaten, and certainly not enough to be thrown up since. There is no way that it could have been accidental as far as I can see. And by giving her the let out clause is not going to help.

Combined with the possible dairy milk intolerance, it would definitely explain the sore tummy on the poor lad later, as the apple oats clearly contain cows milk. Not at all suitable as an initial weaning for a baby with suspected dairy intolerance.

I would tell your MIL that the baby is too unwell and you no longer wish her to come on Wednesday, as you just want to focus entirely on the baby. Make sure she knows that the baby is now unwell because of the oats, that you know he managed to eat somehow (you do not need to blame her), and that you are going to be more careful about the dairy issue.

My children had cows milk protein intolerance, and I could take no dairy in my diet while breastfeeding them. My firstborn suffered severely due to the intolerance being unknown, extremely painful stomach and even had bleeding nappy rash from the acidic poo. It is very unpleasant for the baby. The health visitors will not necessarily advise you correctly.... this is from experience! Just cut out dairy from your diet and see what happens! Make sure you get enough calcium etc from non-dairy choices.

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 21/11/2018 19:42

Buttonsareforever MAGIC Shock

CasanovaFrankenstein · 21/11/2018 20:40

If he’s thrown up loads of oats it sounds like he’s been given them, is this a power play like putting him in the bouncer? Put your foot down OP you only get a few months of them being babies!! Why people seem so desperate to shove food into them for the sake of a few weeks, fuck knows.

LittleOwl · 21/11/2018 20:42

OP at first post I was going to post, trust your instinct- this has alarm bells written all over it. MIL is not respecting your boundaries, and quite happy to be underhand.
Don’t leave your baby unsupervised with her. Only solution for a while...
good luck Flowers

SunnyG0507 · 21/11/2018 21:03

OP please do talk to your MIL and let her know the solid for 3 months baby not only too early and can upset his tummy but also risky because of the potential unknown food allergies! The porridge may contain milk, nut, gluten that many babies are allergic to so could be harmful and even dangerous! Hope your DS feel better soonThanks

ginyogarepeat · 21/11/2018 21:21

I've tried to read through all the posts but may have missed why you don't just ask her?! Surely that's the obvious and logical thing to do?
"MIL, baby vomited oats a few times and I certainly haven't fed him any. Did you?" If she answers truthfully, which hopefully she will, then you explain why she is to NEVER do anything of that sort again, with DH backup if necessary. Time to adult!!!

manicmij · 21/11/2018 22:22

Can understand your suspicions. If the foid had landed on DSs face surely MiL would have cleaned off ensuring he was okay. You need to emphasis your preference for no solids to be given. Would give her another chance as she is willing to help out. Maybe needs a bit of educating on today's recommended feeding. Though, just read this week about the dramatic increase in allergies in children probably being due to lack of exposure to many foods for so long hence developing allergies. Babies were at one time given solids at 6 weeks never mind 6 months.

CamelFlarge · 22/11/2018 11:13

Hmm at all the people blaming allergies on "late" introduction of solids without even considering the correlation between formula use and IBS/Crohns etc.

FWIW, I began solids at 3m - allergies (paediatric and adult). My son EBF until solids at 6m - same paediatric allergies. The guidelines have been 6m for the past 15 years and are to keep babies safe. Safe from choking, safe from allergies, safe from longer term gastrointestinal issues.

abacucat · 22/11/2018 11:35

Camel There has been a large increase in allergies in recent years. No one actually knows why this is, but one of the theories is later weaning. Allergies have always existed, but they used to be far rarer than now.

Turnitaroundagain · 22/11/2018 13:59

It’s her first grandchild and everything is new for everybody. Don’t accuse her, just reiterate your views on feeding him and talk to her lots about breastfeeding and how it differs from the bottle, give her stuff to read to back up your views.
And be thankful that she’s willing to help and she’s around! You’re very lucky and it’s very good for your child to have another adult to care for her.
Anybody will tell you that with a new baby first time round we’re all a bit precious. And the bottle fed generations just don’t understand babies in the same way, I bf and wouldn’t have a clue how to deal with a bottle fed baby.

SoyDora · 22/11/2018 14:00

Babies were at one time given solids at 6 weeks never mind 6 months

That was never official guidance though. DH was weaned at 6 weeks. He has IBS and has to work very very hard not to be obese.

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