Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be concerned about leaving baby alone with MIL

152 replies

Bibijayne · 20/11/2018 09:39

Posting for traffic. Not sure where else to post this.

I am breastfeeding (with occasional expressed milk) my three month old. He's pretty happy and healthy, a bit of a happy spitter as they call it. Loves guzzling boob and then spits up a bit. Sometimes a bit gassy if I have too much cow's milk/ for a bit after having rotavirus vaccine (but both doses out of the way now - last Thursday).

Anyway, background over. My husband is away this week for a training course with work. He chatted to his mum, who is pretty bossy but well-meaning, to ask for a bit of help this week. She came up Sunday and has just gone back home to work a couple of shifts. She's coming back Wednesday night. We're having the kitchen redone next week and she's helped move stuff into the dining room ready. She's helped give cuddles to our DS and when I needed a nap and he was still up the other night she took him for an hour and a bit and gave him some expressed milk.

All good right.

This morning we popped downstairs before she headed off. She asked for a cuddle. No problem. I made myself some coffee and an oat pot. She insisted on putting him in his bouncer (she keeps wanting to 'hold him' but then actually just wants to put him in his pram/ his bouncer... Mild BEC) so we could eat.

No probs.

She asks about something or other... Can't really recall now, but it involved me popping out of the room and leaving DS with her briefly.

No probs?

I come back and DS is a bit grizzly. MIL eating a fresh oat pot. I say he wants food. She says he can't as he'd eaten and been sick recently. I said 'that's not how babies work,'. She said he can't be hungry because he's not crying. Again I said that he's pretty clear when he wants stuff (hands in mouth, tongue in an out... Staring intently at boobs).

Anyway, I go to feed him and he's arching his back and really unhappy. Spit up some more. I clean him up and give him a cuddle.

Cleaning up the vomit, it's clear there's porridge oats stuck to his cheek.

Odd right? I wasn't holding him eating mine. And MIL had him in the bouncer. It also looks stuck on, like vomit.

I remark it's odd and she's oddly quiet. I mention it again a little later. She keeps changing the subject.

I cuddle little one until he's calm, and whilst she's in the shower I change him and decamp to give him boob.

I'm like 90% certain she fed my 3 month old, exclusively breastmilk fed baby porridge. She was yattering about how his dad had to have solids from 10 weeks because he was so hungry the other night.

I'm almost certain, but unsure how to prove it, that she tried to give my baby porridge. Which he the threw up. That upset his tummy.

I'm flummoxed. She's been helpful to an extent and she's doing us and DH a favour by coming down, but I really don't trust her alone with DS now. Am I BU? Am I jumping to conclusions? Could she have just accidentally dropped some porridge and it landed on DS cheek and he's grizzly for another reason? If so, why not say something when I noticed it and mentioned it?

If she did something stupid, like try to offer him porridge, why not admit it? Better to admit it and apologise than this?

I'm going to try and chat to DH, but I'm not sure what to do, especially if she denies it. I don't really want her round DS unsupervised now.

Help MN!

OP posts:
Stormwhale · 20/11/2018 18:58

Op there is pretty much zero chance your baby could have taken handfuls of porridge without mil/you noticing. It would have been all over his hands.

Haworthia · 20/11/2018 19:00

Agreeing with Storm. Being able to steal a crumb doesn’t mean he’s able to swallow mouthfuls of porridge without a spoon being held to his mouth.

AnotherEmma · 20/11/2018 19:10

If your baby already has a sore tummy from eating food containing cow's milk, I suggest you avoid foods containing dairy yourself, to keep the CMP out of your breastmilk. It's hard, but there are dairy-free treats you can have.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/11/2018 19:11

When I weaned the dses, the guidelines said to wean at 4 months - and they are all fine.

But the guidelines have changed - and may change more before I finally become a grandmother - so if and when that happens, I will be doing as I am asked by my son and DIL.

I hope that your baby feels better soon, OP.

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 20/11/2018 19:17

Well you have a remarkably advanced baby there, who at 3 months can get himself out of his bouncy chair, waltz over to your MIL, grab her spoon and put it in the pot then put the spoon into his mouth, then get back down, across the room and into his bouncy chair, do the straps up and be able to pretend nothing has happened all before you got back into the room.

My money's still on your MIL Grin

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay · 20/11/2018 19:17

Unless he put his hand in the pot of porridge or used the spoon himself it was 100% your MIL!!!!

PrincessScarlett · 20/11/2018 19:43

FFS OP, just say to your MIL "that porridge you fed DS has made him very ill so please don't feed him anything else without my say so".

Of course she spoon fed porridge to your baby. There is no other explanation and is totally not the same as him accidentally grabbing a crumb from your chest.

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 20/11/2018 20:08

I’d be half tempted to ring her saying the doctor can’t work out what’s what’s wrong and did she know what he might have eaten before they start doing loads of tests.
But I’m pretty evil.

parchworkpatty · 20/11/2018 20:09

On the basis that we all (mothers of babies in 60s-early 80s ) fed babies at 12 weeks . And their were a hell of a lot less kids with allergies..
Then I would weigh up very helpful grandma vs doing it all with no help.
Always your baby your choice. I would simply stop second guessing and just tell her what you have chosen for your baby.

parchworkpatty · 20/11/2018 20:13

This advice has been around for a few years and reiterated on the Today programme only this morning.

I wouldn't hesitate to wean at 12 weeks again.

www.theguardian.com/society/2016/mar/04/early-introduction-peanuts-eggs-cuts-allergy-risk-eat-study

anonkneemouse · 20/11/2018 20:31

Like it or not, she fed him and she's lied. He can hardly get a spoonful of oats down whilst in the babychair!

Maelstrop · 20/11/2018 20:32

I'm going to doubt that mil LET him put his hand into hot Oatsosimple. Of course she ruddy gave it to him!

1998em · 20/11/2018 20:37

She definitely should not feed your 3 month old anything without your permission ! Personally I think this is out of order and I'd definitely speak to her, I exclusively breastfed my daughter and it took a lot of effort to do so, if someone fed my daughter anything, even just porridge I'd be so cross, especially if it upset her stomach and made her feel ill, I would definitely reinforce your baby is your baby, she's only three months old, no where near ready for solids ! Love to you OP x

Alittlelessconversation0 · 20/11/2018 20:42

She’s fed him oats.
It’s almost certain. she’s hinted at thinking he needs it. She has form for doing what she thinks is best/being controlling. And she was quiet when you were confused.
Babies on milk only sick up milk. Not oats.
You need to confront her about it and ask directly, her reaction will tell you what you need to know.
Then you need to get some leaflets on why solids are bad for a babies developing digestive system this early and give them to her. And don’t leave him alone with her until he is weaned.

Laiste · 20/11/2018 20:43

I second (third, fourth fifth!) the ringing up and say Doc has asked if he's eaten anything and you need to know if she gave him oats and how much. And then do the keep quiet thing to make her answer.

IF she's got the cheek to deny it completely then you can breezily say ''right, i'll tell the doctor that and he'll start the ball rolling with tests''. Quiet again to get a reaction.

Alittlelessconversation0 · 20/11/2018 20:47

Also if he’d done it without her meaning too, and accident, why didn’t she just say ‘goodness me he’s put his hand in my breakfast and pinched some of my porridge’.
Plus would he really have done it neatly , if he’d done it himself? He would have missed his mouth.
So it would have been there alongside the porridge vomit. Yuck I know but true!

anniehm · 20/11/2018 20:50

The norms around feeding solids change, apparently it's now ok earlier and banned foods are no longer banned. My dm fed my dd eggs, toast and butter when we left her with her (5 months) she had only had banana and baby rice beforehand. I'm not defending her exactly but do keep it in proportion, she means well so have a conversation about when food should b introduced rather than all guns blazing

PhilomenaButterfly · 20/11/2018 20:56

Exactly demented, thank you.

anniehm · 20/11/2018 20:56

Around 16 weeks they do start to grab food, one of mine did, the other was content with just breastfeeding until 9 months - spat out everything. Talk to hv as they will give you current advice

PrincessScarlett · 20/11/2018 20:59

Actually the big issue isn't that she has fed your baby porridge. We can all debate how early to wean and the pros and cons until the cows come home.

No, the big issue to me is that she lied to you/omitted to tell the truth. If she'd just said "oh in my day he'd be on solids, it won't hurt him" you could have had a friendly chat about my baby my rules and laughed the matter off. The fact you now know how sneaky she is, if it were me, I would always be wondering what else she omitted to tell me/lied about i.e. banged head, sickness etc etc.

Lunde · 20/11/2018 21:02

To all the people excusing MIL for "early weaning" - it is not MIL's decision to make and those of you who did choose to do it - I bet you didn't choose an adult, synthetic product with cow's milk and sugar!

This is pretty much what MIL fed OP's 12 week preemie - not a baby or natural product

Allergy Advice
May Contain: Barley, Eggs, Nuts, Rye, Soya, Wheat.
Contains: Milk, Oats.

Ingredients
Quaker Rolled Oats (61%) , Skimmed Milk Powder , Sugar , Natural Flavouring .

May contain Wheat, Barley, Rye, Egg, Soya and Nuts

To be concerned about leaving baby alone with MIL
MammaSchwifty · 20/11/2018 21:26

parchworkpatty, yes, I've seen that study, very interesting. It doesn't recommend fill weaning onto a variety of foods though, just exposure to certain allergens. Unfortunately my dc has been allergic to cow's milk and egg since at least 6 weeks old, so it wouldn't have worked in our particular case.

OP, it sounds like your baby could have CMPA, which you suspected by observing his reaction to changes in your dairy intake. He is bound to be grizzly if he has been directly exposed to the milk proteins in the porridge. I very much doubt that he stole MILs porridge, he doesn't have the motor skills at 3 mo to shove a spoon in his own mouth, so no need for that humble pie. Doubtless she didn't mean to cause him harm, and won't have understood the possibility of him reacting to the cow's milk, but it's pretty shit that she went against your wishes in such an underhanded way. Maybe if you explain that he may well actually be allergic to the thing she gave him, that will be her wakeup call.

CanuckBC · 20/11/2018 22:00

No humble pie need be eaten. There is no way he ate that much porridge on his own. Your MIL would not have let him grab hot porridge from a bowl. He also would have been an absolute mess from trying to grab it in his own.

Contact her, let her know how much discomfort he is in. She caused this. She lied about it.

No more unsupervised time for her.

I hope it passes through his system soon.

coconutpie · 20/11/2018 22:07

I would be livid and MIL wouldn't be left alone with DC ever again. She could have made your baby extremely ill. I would call her up and read her the riot act and get your DH to do the same. How dare she.

ohfourfoxache · 20/11/2018 23:29

Unless your 3 month old sporadically displays the abilities of a 1 year old, there isn’t a snowflake’s chance in hell that he’d be able to eat as much as he’s chucked up.

Sorry but I wouldn’t ever ever ever leave her to care for a child of mine unsupervised. Never ever ever.