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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that DH is being selfish over his weekend away

175 replies

Reallybadidea · 19/11/2018 20:06

DH announced to me at the weekend that he had booked a weekend away (Saturday to Sunday) this coming weekend. He had apparently booked it several months ago and had forgotten to tell me. Unfortunately I'm on call this weekend. The nature of my on calls means that I could be expected to go to any part of the UK with an hour's notice. We have 3 children living at home, aged 16, 15 and 13. We've left them on their own overnight once for about 24 hours in total.

I wasn't particularly pleased about DH being away the weekend I was on call for several reasons, but mainly because I think it's unfair on the kids being left on their own for a long period of time and also not very nice to wake up in the morning and not know whether you even have a parent in the house. But hey, it's a one-off.

Dd (15) has now been invited to a party this Saturday night. She doesn't get invited to many parties and she is desperate to go. With DH being away I don't see how she can go because I don't know whether I will be able to pick her up. Her friends don't live locally so can't give a lift, we are rural so no buses. If it was me, I would cancel my weekend away but DH is refusing. I think he's being selfish. AIBU?

OP posts:

AmayaBuzzbee · 20/11/2018 08:22

OP, YANBU. Your DH cocked up. He should have put his weekend away in the shared diary, or at least told you about it at the time of the booking.

Since he didn’t, the prior arrangement was that you are on call. I totally get not wanting to leave 3 kids alone, potentially for most of the weekend. One night naybe, but the problem is that you just don’t know.

This mess is your DH’s making. He should either reschedule his weekend away, or make sure the kids are able to contact an adult who can help in an emergency.

Quartz2208 · 20/11/2018 08:22

www.gov.uk/law-on-leaving-your-child-home-alone

Is very clear on the matter.

RubyRR · 20/11/2018 08:23

Would your daughter be able to go if you aren’t called out? If you are called out would you have time to pick her up and take her home?

WithAllIntenseAndPurposes · 20/11/2018 08:23

If you read the full thread you will see Ruby

Original poster

Reallybadidea · 20/11/2018 08:25

The problem is when we are strict with regards to the safety of our children they feel uncomfortable and get mad easily

Personally, I don't think being concerned about how a 15yo will get home from a party is being strict. Not allowing a 15yo to go to parties, sleepovers or go out with friends - that's strict. And not what's happening here.

OP posts:

MyBrexitIsIll · 20/11/2018 08:27

I would add that it still don’t think it would have been the OP responsibility to sort stuff out IF her DH had told her about the party.
It would have been ONLY IF

They had discussed if this was an issue or not with work
they had discussed if she had something else planned for that weekend
they had agreed it wouldn't be an issue for her or the dcs for him to go away
they agreed that the best way to get organised was for her to put that weekend down as ‘unavailable’ with work

AND she had forgotten all this, not organised herself to have the time off as agreed and now there was a clear issue

It still wouldn't have been HER responsibility but a joint responsibility if she had talked to work and had been told that unfortunately she has to work that weekend.

Basically her DH needs to put his fingers out and start taking responsibility as a father

Pumpkintopf · 20/11/2018 08:41

So where are you at with everything op? Have you told your husband he needs to cancel his weekend away and parent his children?

Aridane · 20/11/2018 09:16

Why would DD not be able to ‘cope’ with a prebooked taxi home? Open door, get in taxi, put seatbelt on. And in reverse on arrival home.

Original poster

Reallybadidea · 20/11/2018 09:17

Sorry for the delay in replying, I got distracted by laughing at some of the more bat shit responses and also because I wanted to have 5 minutes to properly reply to all the points raised. Apologies in advance for the long and boring post, but writing it is helping me clarify things in my own mind.

Firstly - lifts home from friends/staying with friends. DD has two close friends going to this party. The party was originally planned for next Friday and she was going to sleep over at the house of one of them. This friend can't have a sleepover this Saturday because of other family commitments. This friend lives in the same village as the party. Other friend lives about 10 miles from here. I feel like it's a big ask to bring dd home after the party. I have also asked both these sets of parents for lifts for dd numerous times in the past. With 3 children at home (until recently there were 4) and both DH and I working full time, plus on calls and business travel, life is incredibly busy and there are quite a few times when dd has had to ask for lifts or sleepovers. The last time was only a couple of weeks ago, and it just gets embarrassing to be constantly asking for favours. I always offer to return the favour but neither or the other mums work and they just don't seem to need reciprocal help. I wouldn't be surprised if they post a cheeky fucker thread on here about me blush I also feel like I need to save favours from other friends for genuine emergencies, not just a diary clash.

What some of these posts have clarified in my mind, is that actually I don't feel comfortable with 3 teenagers being home alone for much of the weekend. I was initially OK with it because we left them overnight a couple of months ago. Now I think about it, the differences were that we were both contactable, only an hour away and we had a good friend nearby who would have helped out if something had gone seriously wrong. By unfortunate coincidence these friends are also away this weekend. But my initial concern (because I do actually want DH to go away if at all possible, despite what some posters have dreamt up) was that DH should still be able to go away and have fun if at all possible. He is a genuinely good dad and despite being under a lot of pressure at work, he normally prioritises the children over everything else. Which is probably why I was so shocked when he put his foot down this time.

Anyway, I spoke to DH this morning and said that basically I wasn't happy about the kids being alone overnight or for dd to miss her party. He admitted that he might have been a bit unreasonable to refuse to cancel. The compromise that we came to is this: if he gets to his tent in the woods where he is supposed to be staying (I'm so glad I'm not going!) and has no phone reception he will come home in time for dd to go to the party. We're OK with the kids being on their own during the day, but neither of us are cool with them being alone if I get called out overnight and he is uncontactable. If he does have phone reception then he will stay unless I get called out on a job and then he will come home, even if it's in the middle of the night. I genuinely feel really bad for him that he can't just go and have fun with no responsibilities. But the children will be gone in a few years, as someone said, and they are the priority until then.

This whole thread has made me realise how intensely guilty I feel about us both being so busy with work and what a constant juggling act it is to balance it with kids/social life/spending time together. Maybe it's time for a rethink.

OP posts:

Original poster

Reallybadidea · 20/11/2018 09:24

Oh, and with regards to the mysterious job I'm happy to say what it is by PM. It's just pretty niche, so potentially identifying.

OP posts:

Inertia · 20/11/2018 09:35

I think you're being pretty generous to your DH under the circumstances @reallybadidea.

The bottom line is that there would be no need for any of this juggling/ checking phone reception/ back up plans if your husband had behaved as a responsible parent in the first place and booked out his weekend on the family calendar. If either partner has a job which requires weekend work or being on-call, then this is a bare minimum requirement. He screwed up , yet you are being made to feel guilty about the fact that you have to work!

As for the posts above about making sure that you prioritise your husband's needs above your children's because otherwise you're showing contempt to your husband- how utterly ridiculous! The husband in this case did not bother to even communicate his plans, knowing full well that his wife has an on-call job and that both parents would be unavailable in an overnight emergency- if there's any contempt in this scenario, it's all coming from him.

Given that all he's doing is camping in the woods, is there any reason why this can't be rearranged to a weekend when you're not working on-call? Tents and woods will still be there next weekend.

Pumpkintopf · 20/11/2018 11:17

Good for you op, sounds like you've managed to have a sensible and mutually respectful conversation and reached a compromise you're both happy with.

Keeping fingers crossed for you that you have a quiet weekend with no call outs!

PurpleCrazyHorse · 20/11/2018 11:51

Great that you've managed to have a conversation about it and reach a compromise. Obviously it would have been really straight forward had he remembered to tell you about it/put it in the family calendar, but it's done now and all you can do is sort out this weekend in the best way you can.

AvoidingDM · 20/11/2018 11:56

Sounds like a sensible compromise.
I'm also curious on your job. I'm guessing specialist police work.

ZenNudist · 20/11/2018 13:27

You're clearly preferred solution is that your DH drops his plans which have been booked before your work and DD party.

Unless hes away all the time id make sure he can go.

ZenNudist · 20/11/2018 13:32

Sorry typed that earlier, just read the update. I dont see why dd social life trumps DHs. Still you've worked it out. Seems a bit unfair if he has to come home from a pre-planned activity so a teenager can go to a house party. Is he going with friends? Be aware it will spoil their weekend if dh lets them down. I wouldnt want to be that flaky person.

WithAllIntenseAndPurposes · 20/11/2018 14:16

Zen I don't know what you are reading but it's not the same as me...regardless of the party if he buggers off on his weekend the kids could be left on their own with nobody to call on if needed
Again why should his social life trump a) his wife's work and b) his kids safety

WithAllIntenseAndPurposes · 20/11/2018 14:18

I would guess the job is retrieval team

Ethel80 · 20/11/2018 14:33

ZenNudist, you seem to be reading a different thread to me. They've reached a compromise which means that the kids aren't left alone overnight. That seems pretty reasonable unless you really expect the OP to cancel her on call weekend for a trip she didn't know about a week ago.

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 20/11/2018 14:48

The party is irrelevant. Your DH has sprung a last minute arrangement on you all, on a weekend where you are working. It was not booked in advance because it's not booked until you make the other person with caring responsibilities aware. Your work of course takes precedence, and you cannot possibly leave three minors alone all weekend with nobody to contact if needed. Thus, if he's unable to arrange anyone else to cover, he cannot go on his last minute weekend away. That's just how parenting works.

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 20/11/2018 14:49

Missed update! You were getting way too much stick though.

Loopytiles · 20/11/2018 14:55

Your H caused this problem and should resolve it IMO.

His current suggested solution is crap. He could easily find out in advance what mobile reception is like on the site, for example.

The party for DD isn’t really too tricky to sort out - if you’re embarrassed to ask for another favour and she doesn’t want to ask her friend if she can stay with them, cab prebooked from reputable firm, at DH’s expense. Chat with DD that you’re trusting her to be sensible etc.

Ragwort · 20/11/2018 15:06

Excellent update, glad it seems to have all worked out and hope you ALL have a great weekend. Family life is all about compromise, we just have one child and it can still get really complicated.

Catquest1 · 20/11/2018 17:16

Seems a fair compromise :)

ILoveAutum · 20/11/2018 21:43

Are they not hiking in to the tents? If not, it doesn’t sound very ‘wilderness’?! Just camping?!

How often, when you’re ‘on call’ do you get called out? I read your earlier post about possible back to back call outs, but how often are you ‘on call’ and don’t get called?

I know you don’t want to ask another favour, but surely saying to someone that you are both away this weekend and if there’s an emergency could the kids call them? Isn’t exactly a big deal is it?

I know you feel bad not being able to offer reciprocal help, but as someone on the other side of that, it doesn’t bother me at all and it’s still great to know that you’d be there, if you could, if I really needed a favour.

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