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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DH is being selfish over his weekend away

175 replies

Reallybadidea · 19/11/2018 20:06

DH announced to me at the weekend that he had booked a weekend away (Saturday to Sunday) this coming weekend. He had apparently booked it several months ago and had forgotten to tell me. Unfortunately I'm on call this weekend. The nature of my on calls means that I could be expected to go to any part of the UK with an hour's notice. We have 3 children living at home, aged 16, 15 and 13. We've left them on their own overnight once for about 24 hours in total.

I wasn't particularly pleased about DH being away the weekend I was on call for several reasons, but mainly because I think it's unfair on the kids being left on their own for a long period of time and also not very nice to wake up in the morning and not know whether you even have a parent in the house. But hey, it's a one-off.

Dd (15) has now been invited to a party this Saturday night. She doesn't get invited to many parties and she is desperate to go. With DH being away I don't see how she can go because I don't know whether I will be able to pick her up. Her friends don't live locally so can't give a lift, we are rural so no buses. If it was me, I would cancel my weekend away but DH is refusing. I think he's being selfish. AIBU?

OP posts:
Weebitawks · 20/11/2018 07:11

Is there not just a good friend of DD’s whose house she can stay at? It doesn’t need to be the hosts. And when on call, how likely is it that you actually get called away?

Quartz2208 · 20/11/2018 07:25

You cant leave 3 teenagers for a weekend with 2 uncontactable parents.

The OP is working and cant change it (and based on her responses to what she does would be putting people in danger).

He made the mistake yet she is the one dealing with it. Yes its unfair potentially on him but he made the mistake. He needs to figure out a solution so that his children are not left with uncontactable parents. If he cant he has to pay the price. Its harsh but what else can happen

rookiemere · 20/11/2018 07:26

It is highly unlikely that your DH will have reception on a wilderness weekend - perhaps he could try to find out.

am now agreeing with those saying get some childcare for the evening. Maybe it is OTT but better safe than sorry,

Oh and the Hs weekend may have been booked months in advance but as only known about at last minute do not see why it trumps DDs invite

Quartz2208 · 20/11/2018 07:33

I think DD invite is a red herring - I think leaving the 3 of them to cope without contactable parents is unfair. They need an adult in case of an emergency.

OP cannot not be on call and it sounds like being on call is working (rather than just the chance). So they need to figures something out - its his mistake

Biancadelriosback · 20/11/2018 07:51

To me this sounds like you're trying to punish your DH for forgetting to put this in the calendar. You won't consider any other options all because of "what if"? What if you get a call out? What if the taxi doesn't turn up? What if she gets drunk? What if she gets stranded?

Catquest1 · 20/11/2018 07:52

I agree with previous poster. Both parents uncontactable would be a risk too far for me before you add in the party.

I think as well it really depends on the 15 yr old - ive known some very savvy 15 yr olds who would cope fine in a taxi and some much less so.

We are slightly rural and it wasnt that long ago that to get a taxi for a saturday night you had to book one the week before with the last bus home being 630pm.

Sometimes i miss big city life!

MsTSwift · 20/11/2018 07:53

Prioritising teens over dh is a dangerous game - they’ll be gone in a few years. You sound unreasonably angry at him but guess there may be a back story.

G5000 · 20/11/2018 07:54

When I was 15, I lived alone in a foreign country (the organisation taking care of my student exchange said they didn't have a host family, gave me keys to a flat and allowance to feed myself. Didn't even have a phone). So I am absolutely expecting I can leave mine for a weekend when they're 13 and 15.

Sure energencies can happen, but I can't believe there is absolutely nobody closer than a few hundred miles the kids could call in that case - family friends, neighbours, parents of their friends?

Also note OP was generally fine with leaving the kids - she wants DH to cancel his plans for DDs party.

MsTSwift · 20/11/2018 07:54

I feel for the teen though. It’s shit being a teen in the countryside.

Armadillostoes · 20/11/2018 07:56

That was a shocking post MsTSwift. Suggesting that a parent should prioritise a partner over a child in order to maximise the chance of having company and companionship in the medium time.

MsTSwift · 20/11/2018 07:59

Absolutely. treating your dh with contempt and frustration and prioritising minor social engagements of teens over an adults previous commitment is certainly not how I would expect my dh to treat me.

Peaseblossom22 · 20/11/2018 07:59

Can your dd not stay over with a friend also going to the party. We live rurally and this happens a lot . At least then if she needed to come back in a taxi it would be daylight.

Original poster
Reallybadidea · 20/11/2018 08:04

I'll update in a moment but how do I sound 'unreasonably angry' and how am I treating my DH 'with contempt'? I've said on here (but not to DH) that I think he's being selfish. I've said to him that I would cancel in his position. I haven't shouted, screamed or sneered at him.

I honestly think some posters just make stuff up in their heads to suit their own narrative.

OP posts:
CondomsLubricantAndFlapjack · 20/11/2018 08:05

haven't RTFT, but just leave you DH to sort it out.

WithAllIntenseAndPurposes · 20/11/2018 08:08

Reallybad they do
Sad lives and insecurities is all I can think of

WithAllIntenseAndPurposes · 20/11/2018 08:10

Reminds me of the thread that was zapped where someone needed childcare help to go to work honestly the way a couple were going on it's like she was asking for someone to have her kids so she could piss off on a jolly or something

Original poster
Reallybadidea · 20/11/2018 08:11

she was asking for someone to have her kids so she could piss off on a jolly or something

Well that's ironic, seeing as that's exactly what many posters on here are suggesting Grin

OP posts:
PaulMorel · 20/11/2018 08:12

The problem is when we are strict with regards to the safety of our children they feel uncomfortable and get mad easily to us parents they tend to become more aggressive to go out and hang out without our permission. Monitor her anytime 15 years old is not a fully grown they need parents to give them advice and discipline their actions and behaviors.

Iloveacurry · 20/11/2018 08:12

Your DH is in the wrong. Why only put a weekend away in the diary which was booked months ago before your on call weekend was scheduled? You could of them said you couldn’t work that weekend. He’s an idiot.

OftenHangry · 20/11/2018 08:14

Is anyone from nearby going? You could ask other parent to drop DD off.
It sucks he forgot to tell you, but that unfortunately happens.
You said DCs were already left alone so you know they can manage (tbf at that age they should be able to survive half a day or day) so the only problem seems to be the party. So I personally, would check with other parents whether they can drop her off or if kids can pool a taxi. Agree with @ Biancadelriosback about what ifs. If we all kept living by "what if" no one would ever do anything.

pigeondujour · 20/11/2018 08:16

Prioritising teens over dh is a dangerous game - they’ll be gone in a few years.

Jesus. I'm so glad my parents never thought like that about giving me lifts to places while I was growing up rurally. What a weird and miserable perspective on raising children.

And your DH had already booked his time off. I think it's your responsibility to sort it out.

No he hadn't. He'd half-booked it but neglected to do the most important bit of booking a weekend away when you are a husband and father of three children, which was communicating it to his wife and ensuring satisfactory arrangements for those three children were in place. Had he done that, OP would have taken responsibility by simply not working this weekend, and taking care of the children/giving their socially struggling daughter a lift to the party herself. It was HIS fuck up that meant she couldn't do that, ergo ball's firmly back in his court. And if he's any sort of father he'd recognise it's absolutely part of his duty to get his daughter to that party.

WithAllIntenseAndPurposes · 20/11/2018 08:17

I know how dare you have a job particularly if it inconveniences your husband you harridan!

user1457017537 · 20/11/2018 08:18

Why does the daughter’s party trump her dad’s weekend away. Make arrangements for her to go to her party

WithAllIntenseAndPurposes · 20/11/2018 08:20

And why does a grown mans party trump his wife's very important job? Even if she doesn't go there's still three kids at home with no parents they can contact in an emergency what if there is a break in/fire? Oh but poor little dh needs his down time....

MyBrexitIsIll · 20/11/2018 08:20

I wouldn’t leave a 13 and 15yo on their own for the weekend wo anyone been contactable full stop.
Let alone letting a 15yo to go to party in the evening and no way to come back home and no one at home when they are back. What if they decide to drink ‘a bit too much’ that night? That would be leaving the responsibility to look after them to the 16yo which isn’t on.

For what it’s worth, a friend of mine did that. A few times.
She has had an unplanned party where thé neighbours called the police.
A friend parent ringing her in the middle of the night asking if she knew where both DD’s were (they had decided to go for a walk In the middle of the countryside. On their own. In the middle of the night.)
A fight between the two teens.
Both dcs are ‘good kids’ that have never been an issue, never done crazy things and had been given clear boundaries in what they could and couldn’t do.