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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DH is being selfish over his weekend away

175 replies

Reallybadidea · 19/11/2018 20:06

DH announced to me at the weekend that he had booked a weekend away (Saturday to Sunday) this coming weekend. He had apparently booked it several months ago and had forgotten to tell me. Unfortunately I'm on call this weekend. The nature of my on calls means that I could be expected to go to any part of the UK with an hour's notice. We have 3 children living at home, aged 16, 15 and 13. We've left them on their own overnight once for about 24 hours in total.

I wasn't particularly pleased about DH being away the weekend I was on call for several reasons, but mainly because I think it's unfair on the kids being left on their own for a long period of time and also not very nice to wake up in the morning and not know whether you even have a parent in the house. But hey, it's a one-off.

Dd (15) has now been invited to a party this Saturday night. She doesn't get invited to many parties and she is desperate to go. With DH being away I don't see how she can go because I don't know whether I will be able to pick her up. Her friends don't live locally so can't give a lift, we are rural so no buses. If it was me, I would cancel my weekend away but DH is refusing. I think he's being selfish. AIBU?

OP posts:
Twofurrycats · 19/11/2018 21:47

Apheresis team would be the sort of medical team that works like this. Or spy....

ShawshanksRedemption · 19/11/2018 21:49

I'm with @Frouby on this.

No way would I let children of those ages stay home alone over night with no adult close by in case of emergency. It's effectively asking the 16yr old to be responsible for their younger siblings and is that fair on them? A night out would be fine, but not a whole weekend away. NSPCC guidelines are that children under 16 should not be left alone overnight, and there's a reason for that; they are rarely mature enough to cope.

Original poster
Reallybadidea · 19/11/2018 21:50

And your DH had already booked his time off. I think it's your responsibility to sort it out.

What?! My on call has been in the diary for two months, he told me about his weekend away on Saturday. How is it my responsibility?!

OP posts:
ILoveAutum · 19/11/2018 21:52

Ask dd to get a friend at the party to get taxi with her and stay for a sleepover

If I was the other parent your DD would be more than welcome to stay at ours, but I wouldn’t want DD to stay at a friends, especially rural, where no adults were present for the entire weekend. Best make they known that's the situation.

JennyHolzersGhost · 19/11/2018 21:56

If his time wasn’t in the family diary then it doesn’t count. Can’t see why so many people seem to be struggling with this.

Behappy2 · 19/11/2018 21:57

OP, I would let you daughter go and book the taxi, when I was younger I used to have to get a taxi home at that age, no problem. If you feel that uncomfortable about her doing that then don't let her go, why should your OH have to cancel his weekend away? I know it's last minute at least to you but your DD's party was also last minute so if you don't want her to go in a taxi then she can't go at all, simple. I don't know what the big deal is, you do realise when she turns 16 she can move out, right? That would be a much bigger step than what getting in a taxi is.

Lovemusic33 · 19/11/2018 21:57

I would book a taxi, you can ask for a female driver (I have done this for myself).

I’m sure the 16 and 13 year old will be fine on the off chance you get called away?

I’m sure a 16 year old is responsible enough? My mum left me for a week when I was 16.

00100001 · 19/11/2018 21:59

OP - do you not know any other adult that could do you a favour and collect DD from this party if the need arises?

are none of her friends parents taking them to this party?

Shoxfordian · 19/11/2018 22:02

Yeah if she wants to go then book a taxi for her
Its probably a good step towards independence

Dollymixture22 · 19/11/2018 22:04

Where is your husband going? Can he reschedule?

If he can’t then I think it looks like your daughter will have to miss the party

scaryteacher · 19/11/2018 22:05

It is the OPs husband's to sort out. If her work was already in the diary, and he forgot to put his weekend in or check, then it's his fault.

There are jobs where you can't alter the rota patterns, or the fact that someone is on call, or could get sent elsewhere very quickly. Try being married to someone in the Forces, when the job entails being on call 24/7. Dh phoned me one night, and I thought it sounded noisy in the background. He was at the airport about to be sent off for three weeks at 6 hours notice. What we had planned as a family was irrelevant. He's missed his grandma's 90th birthday party, ds being born, and other important things because of his job.

AspergersMum · 19/11/2018 22:07

I wouldn't be OK with a taxi for a 15 year old, alone, late, no parents to meet her when she got home. I'd rather my child missed out than put her in that position.

Miscible · 19/11/2018 22:09

In the highly unlikely event of a booked taxi not turning up, would you daughter's friend's parents seriously chuck her out to fend for herself? Or would they give her a bed/sofa for the night?

cittigirl · 19/11/2018 22:12

Where us your DH going OP? Is it far? Could he come home if it was absolutely necessary?

Original poster
Reallybadidea · 19/11/2018 22:14

Or would they give her a bed/sofa for the night?

I'm sure they would, but I think it would be extremely shoddy parenting to leave your child in that position if it's not an unforeseeable emergency. This isn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
Reallybadidea · 19/11/2018 22:15

Could he come home if it was absolutely necessary? Maybe, I'll ask him.

OP posts:
badg3r · 19/11/2018 22:17

Gosh you are getting an unnecessary amount of stick for this! DH should not be going even without the party. It's his mistake he didn't tell you about it, kids come first, then work then his lads weekend or whatever it is. It can't be that important if he has neglected to mention it once in the last two months.

OVienna · 19/11/2018 22:23

A mini cab CO might not take an under 16. You'd need to check.

LovesLaboursLost · 19/11/2018 22:27

Just book a taxi. It’s not a drama. I did this all the time when I was 15. Prebook. They’ll be late, but they’ll turn up eventually and get her home safely.

00100001 · 19/11/2018 22:35

wait,so your DD most likely has somewhere to stay for the night of this party... so why this drama drama drama? Confused

Original poster
Reallybadidea · 19/11/2018 22:42

No, I'm sure they wouldn't turf her out. That doesn't mean I'd be comfortable with her inviting herself for a sleepover at a 15yo boy's house who I don't even know

OP posts:
00100001 · 19/11/2018 22:44

then tell your daughter she can't go to the party... Confused

Orchiddingme · 19/11/2018 22:45

I absolutely wouldn't leave a 13, 15 and 16 year old on their own for the weekend with the parents 100's of miles away and no friends/neighbours in charge. Recently one of mine, just 13, had an accident. I had to drive them to A and E, go in with them as a parent, co-ordinate the other child- there's no way a 16 year old could really organize that! Thirteen is no way near an adult level of responsibility and they had a typical 'kid' type accident, I can assure you if you turn up at A & E with a 16 supervising a 13 year old and no parent in attendance, red flags would wave.

It might be different if the parents are available and could be home quickly, or someone else could- but you sound very isolated in your circumstances so no, I wouldn't be happy with my husband going away, and given your on call was in the diary first, I'd expect him to stay home anyway, party or no party.

All those saying they got taxis home at 15- what to a house with no adult in it?

I'm surprised by this thread, usually everyone is overly neurotic about the ages children are left. Here everyone thinks its fine for a 16 year old to basically be the parent with no back up for miles around. Wouldn't be fine in my house at all.

PineapplePen07 · 19/11/2018 22:50

Apologies if I've missed it but what's the reason for your dh's weekend away?

I would feel the same as you he should take responsibility for rearranging his weekend.

In your role it sound like you have to be very focused on your patient, I would not want to potentially be distracted worrying about my dc at home while on call.

Butterymuffin · 19/11/2018 23:07

If his time wasn’t in the family diary then it doesn’t count. Can’t see why so many people seem to be struggling with this.

Agree. He may be saying it was booked months ago but that was only in his head. For practical purposes, it's a last minute arrangement he wants to bring in and it disrupts everyone else. Sorry, he'll have to do it some other time. Unless he believes normal family rules don't apply, what with him being the MAN and all.