Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DH is being selfish over his weekend away

175 replies

Reallybadidea · 19/11/2018 20:06

DH announced to me at the weekend that he had booked a weekend away (Saturday to Sunday) this coming weekend. He had apparently booked it several months ago and had forgotten to tell me. Unfortunately I'm on call this weekend. The nature of my on calls means that I could be expected to go to any part of the UK with an hour's notice. We have 3 children living at home, aged 16, 15 and 13. We've left them on their own overnight once for about 24 hours in total.

I wasn't particularly pleased about DH being away the weekend I was on call for several reasons, but mainly because I think it's unfair on the kids being left on their own for a long period of time and also not very nice to wake up in the morning and not know whether you even have a parent in the house. But hey, it's a one-off.

Dd (15) has now been invited to a party this Saturday night. She doesn't get invited to many parties and she is desperate to go. With DH being away I don't see how she can go because I don't know whether I will be able to pick her up. Her friends don't live locally so can't give a lift, we are rural so no buses. If it was me, I would cancel my weekend away but DH is refusing. I think he's being selfish. AIBU?

OP posts:
Notjustanyone · 19/11/2018 23:08

He should cancel his weekend away. Your job comes first and if you have the potential to be away all weekend and it's a 50/50 chance then he needs to be in the house looking after the kids. I would not be happy about leaving mine and they are almost exactly the same ages as yours. Or he can collect one or both of your parents before he goes away and you can have a family weekend whilst he's on his jolly and drops one or both of them home after he's back. Teach him not to be so forgetful!

Umbongointhejungle · 19/11/2018 23:25

Jesus Christ this is insane!
So he fucked up. Question is, does he do this all the time, are you always picking up after his forgetfulness

Or was this a genuine “shit I forgot”

Look for a solution. You’re daughter is 15. I’m sure she is capable. I think you’re panicking for no reason. You might not be able to be available, but you’re husband will be on the end of a phone.

Daughters taxi is booked, taxi doesn’t turn up, dd calls dad. Dad sorts it’s out, worst case scenario she has to kip in her friends spare room.

What kind of a gilded cage do you live in.

Does nothing ever not go to a strict plan in your life? Are there no odd occasions when things don’t go to plan. Be very careful you don’t infantilise your children. 15 is pretty bloody grown up

Umbongointhejungle · 19/11/2018 23:27

Also I don’t think people should cancel a weekend as a punishment for not abiding the family rules. Not unless they do it ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
Jesus

Alfie190 · 19/11/2018 23:34

You just don't want your husband to go to his event and are looking for an excuse as to why he shouldn't. A fifteen year old is perfectly capable of getting a taxi. You say you live rurally, so do I and children get taxis to and from school from an early age. As a teenager I lived in a town and used to get taxis home by myself all the time, I also went on holiday at age 15 with my 17 year old sister and her friends. 16 year olds live by themselves! You are being ridiculous. As I say, you just dont want your husband to go out.

Original poster
Reallybadidea · 19/11/2018 23:45

I would be totally comfortable with a 15yo getting a taxi if a) she had done so before and/or b) an adult was home to deal with her not coming home/coming home drunk/taxi not turning up. I think both parents being uncontactable overnight is poor parenting.

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 19/11/2018 23:47

That doesn't mean I'd be comfortable with her inviting herself for a sleepover at a 15yo boy's house who I don't even know
Yet you're comfortable with her going to the party where she could potentially be doing all sorts?

How about you move to a town/city instead?

Pumpkintopf · 19/11/2018 23:50

Your dh should cancel his weekend away. Not just because of the party but because your children shouldn't be left alone for potentially the whole weekend.

Umbongointhejungle · 19/11/2018 23:57

Why is your husband uncontactable

user1457017537 · 20/11/2018 00:00

Can’t you get an agency babysitter who could pick your daughter up by car.

Umbongointhejungle · 20/11/2018 00:05

Agree just get a baby sitter.
Seeing as you treat them like babies!!

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/11/2018 00:05

You're husband is a selfish dick who absolutely should cancel. The words "Well thats a shame as I am on call this weekend so you will HAVE to cancel" should be repeated. Where is he going and why is he so determined he cant cancel? Does his story about "forgetting" add up?

I am amazed that so many people think that this is your problem to sort and not the problem of the arsehole who caused it......

Umbongointhejungle · 20/11/2018 00:06

It’s a joint problem. Or it’s his problem
Just let him sort it out then! He will probably do what any normal adult would, and book a taxi or get a sitter

Original poster
Reallybadidea · 20/11/2018 00:06

I should have said potentially uncontactable. He's doing a sort of wilderness/camping experience so he's not sure whether he'll have a phone signal and of course he won't know until he gets there.

Can’t you get an agency babysitter who could pick your daughter up by car.

Good idea, I'll look into it.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 20/11/2018 00:07

Oh I thought 15 was the youngest. I don’t think I’d leave 13, 15 & 16 for a weekend.

zzzzz · 20/11/2018 00:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aridane · 20/11/2018 00:59

As another poster said, get them a babysitter as you’ Treating them like babies.

So pre booked taxi home and into the arms of the baby sitter to deal with whatever crisis may arise requiring an adult

Aridane · 20/11/2018 00:59

Or she just skips this last minute party on this occasion

Aridane · 20/11/2018 01:00

Also I don’t think people should cancel a weekend as a punishment for not abiding the family rules. Not unless they do it ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
Jesus

Exactly!

yakari · 20/11/2018 01:10
  • Baby sitter with driving licence
  • Local taxi driver recommended by neighbours - if you're rural someone will know/recommend someone
  • Friends coming back in same direction - I'm willing to be there is a party WhatsApp chat they could ask on
  • stay over at another friends house - I get they are having a tough time socially but is there anyone?

And depending on how 'bad' a social
Issue your DD was having, I might expect DH to cancel (or postpone) - normal teen angst I wouldn't, breaking through into a friendship group after years of struggling, I might....

ClartyParty · 20/11/2018 01:59

We have a joint calendar thing and there’s been many times either of us has forgotten to put something in and the other has agree has agreed to do an extra shift or made a work commitment because the calender was blank.

We do have an agreement that if it isn’t in it doesn’t count but we also have another family agreement that work takes priority and another for us that if something last minute comes up and we need someone else to stop what they had planned no matter how trivial it was to enable it then no tantrums when they aren’t told no.

I’d be uncomfortable leaving those ages at home for a whole weekend too. For that reason alone dh wouldn’t be going away, he would and has done cancelled nights away because he has forgotten to put it in diary. He himself wouldn’t be comfortable leaving his teenager alone all weekend and would cancel if he couldn’t organise someone to keep an eye on her.

You guys didn’t do this and it was still going ahead so you must have accepted the kids may well be alone as a rare one off that weekend.

You’re asking him to cancel because dd wants to go to a party and you might not be able to gift her a lift.

SLeeping at a trusted friends house I’d be ok with as I know the parents would worry if she didn’t get back with their dd and look for her. GEtting a taxi back to house where nobody will know if she says back safe or not? Nope.

Because dh is on,y being asked to cancel so she can go to a last minute party, it would be “sorry, you know Dads away and I may be at work so you can’t go this time” Or an agreement you’ll take her if haven’t been called out but on the understanding she may be expected to leave it at any point should you be called out.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 20/11/2018 03:56

YABU. An adult shouldn’t be cancelled a planned, pre-booked weekend away for a kids party.

There are solutions here, you just don’t like them.

Ethel80 · 20/11/2018 04:27

Why are people having a go at the OP? She's the one trying to sort it out and keep everyone happy. Calling her controlling and saying she treats her children like babies is ridiculous. People have even had a go at her for not having childcare options around and told her to move to a city. Ffs!

Regardless of whether her husband has done this once or 20 times, he's still a dick for not telling her about the weekend. Even if he forgot at the time has there really been no point in the last couple of months where the trip wouldn't have entered his head?

The party really isn't the main issue for me, both parents can't be potentially uncontactable and out of the area for a huge part of the weekend and I think it's too much for a 16 year old to have that level of responsibility for their siblings.

If it can't be arranged that there is someone around to pop in/be available for them if the OP is called out then he should cancel his trip because he's caused the situation. It's not about punishing him, it's about being a responsible parent.

BeanBagLady · 20/11/2018 04:32

I agree this is your DH’s fault.

But if he won’t cancel, he won’t.

I think booking a childcare person via an agency is best.

Ragwort · 20/11/2018 04:58

I honestly think some people just don’t understand how difficult it is to ‘just get a taxi’ when you live rurally. I have had a situation when a pre-booked taxi just didn’t turn up, another occasion there was no taxi that would do a pick up after 11.30 Grin. Recently I gave a lift to two ladies in their 90s who were stranded & couldn’t find a taxi at 6pm. These are the situations you have to accept when you live rurally.

It is a difficult situation OP, I would emphasise to your DD that she needs to find a lift with a friend’s parents & you/DH will provide transport another time & then phone the other parents to confirm.

Inertia · 20/11/2018 07:02

You’re getting a lot of unfair stick here. The party is a bit of a red herring - the main issue here is that your husband cocked up by not putting his weekend on the calendar. Had you known, you could have rescheduled your on-call weekend.

Leaving a 16 yo in charge of younger children when someone can step in in an emergency is one thing. Having both parents uncontactable and hundreds of miles away is a different kettle of fish, and that’s before you add in the party.

I agree with a PP that a paid babysitter who drives will give you peace of mind. And the hassle is 100% down to your husband.