Inheritance advice

[clarepetal]

Really not sure what to do here.
My Dad died of cancer nearly 3 years ago, he had an aunt who did not have any children of her own so when she dies any inheritance would have gone between him and his brother (my uncle).
As soon as he was diagnosed, he sat down with my mum ran through all the finances and said when his aunt died that he wanted his inheritance to go to straight to her rather than my brother and I as she would need it more and it would eventually come to us through inheritance from her (and him). He also said that she would be ok, their mortgage is paid off and they had some savings although not much. She works part time. He died, very sad property all in her name now.

Fast forward 3 years, his great aunt dies, we assume that he'd spoken to his brother to ask that his share of any inheritance go straight to my mum. The dozy bugger never had that conversation and we've been told that some inheritance is coming to my brother and I, nothing to my mum.
The aibu is this, I have no idea how much we're talking, but should I give it to my mum, it's what she'd like, it's what dad wanted, but bloody hell I could do with it. I'm in a 2 bedroom flat that needs new bathroom and kitchen and I'm skint. Am I a greedy CF, reading this back, I think I ought to give it to mum but I secretly want to use it for my flat. Please don't be brutal....

The money is legally yours and your brother's.
Spend it as you wish.
No guilt required. And no you aren't greedy

Neither of your parents are coming off well here op, although I obviously don't want to upset you regarding your late father but the facts are that people don't get to dictate what happens to any inheritance they might be bequeathed if they die before the person whose will it is, and your mum sounds really grabby.

She can hope as much as she wants but the fact is, it was never your dad's money to promise.

So you have a flat that needs works, she has no mortgage, savings and a job....and she still thinks you should hand over the one little leg up you have?

No, sorry but she sounds selfish and entitled and the fact that you are tying yourself in knots about it suggests that her being manipulative has been a common theme in your life.

Do what you want. But also be prepared for a bit of upcoming tension.

I inherited from a great aunt due to my mother predeceasing her - at the time my dad could've really done with the money but (as difficult and at times abusive as he was) he not once brought up him getting any of it.

He did, however, ask to borrow some of it from us (me and my brother) for a while. We both lent him some of it (my brother being older and wiser than me almost certainly thought that would be the last he saw of it so lent him less even though he could afford to give it more than me at the time) and he paid it back in full less than a year later (looking back this was very surprising).

I think your dad was unreasonable trying to dictate where you great aunt's money should go and your mum is unreasonable thinking she is entitled as a result of that.

However, your brother definitely needs to start paying her rent and I would consider compensating her for her time doing childcare (my MIL did some childcare for us whilst I worked and I paid her - babysitting once every few months when we went out was free) once you inherit. You many wish to backdate some of that as a financial gift from your inheritance, depending on how large it is.

It is difficult situation and you have to decide what you can live with.

There is the legal situation and the one that does not eat you up with guilt. What does your sibling think? You could split based on how much it is? You and your sibling could split a potion off and give it to her or treat her after you receive it? Or you could split it three ways. Inheritance tax may also be a factor. Have an honest conversation beforehand and find out what the expectation is and make sure everyone knows what legally should happen - i.e your mother is not entitled to a share

I have been in a not similiar situation and I knew my father's wishes. I choses to take the car and resell it to buy a new one and gave the rest to the person who was suppose to have it. Legally it should have been split 3 ways. As it happens doing this made it much easier for me a few years down the line enabling the person to move to the next street to me and assist with childcare. All my parents friends tell me how lucky we all are. We look out for each other in our family.

OP, after you gain your inheritance write a will.

I find this quite interesting, because when I read the OP I originally thought if had been promised to your DM, then it should go to her. But after reading everyone's comments, I must agree that it wasn't his to give away unfortunately. I do think if it's a substantial amount that you should help your mother out, especially if she helps you out with childcare etc. but if your life could be genuinely improved by you having it then it would be a poor decision to give it all away

Have you spoken to your Uncle at all to find out what is actually happening, rather than getting it all second hand from your Mother?

Can you find out if there is a solicitor involved, if so speak to them.

Why is your Mother "banking" on the money?

As previously suggested, if you brother is a bit of a free-loader off your Mother, it's quite likely that he won't share his inheritance with her.
Then, if you do share with your Mother, in effect you are helping support your brother. When it would be better if you used the money to look after yourself.

If you don't know how much it is, how can your Mother be banking on it? What if were only a very small amount?

I know you said not to be brutal, but I think it’s your mum who is the CF!!!

My DF pre-deceased his elderly childless aunt. When she died, my dad's share came to me and my brother. My DM didn't expect any and it didn't occur to me and DB to give her any either. Several thousand here, not millions though.

It feels as though you're slightly in the dark. If your DM is banking on it then I'd imagine she has an idea of how much it is, and the fact that she's not bothering to tell you very much makes me think she has no intention of letting it go to you. Have you asked your brother what he intends to do with his share?

If she's doing free childcare for you and subbing your brother to live I sort of get it, but the appropriate route is to ask you two to pay something for services rendered and board, not to expect inheritance that she has no claim to.

Is it not possible for you to ask your uncle, the executor, directly about it? It's a perfectly normal thing to do, particularly if you've been told you and your brother are inheriting "something" - I'm sure you could ask if it's a token, or the share (perhaps half the proceeds of the sale of a house, for example) your father was expecting, divided between you and your brother?
To be honest, from what you've said, however large or small a sum it is, if I were you, I'd be inclined to keep most of it for yourself. As previous posters have suggested, you could perhaps recompense her retrospectively for the child-care she has done for you, but no way should you be handing over the entire lump sum, however much it is, to her. I agree with others that she sounds like a manipulative CF. Also, it sounds as if your brother won't give her anything and you'll be the guilt-ridden one who goes without out of deference to your father's command. I'm actually rather cross about this on your behalf. He had no right to dictate to you, particularly if it turns out to be against the terms of your great aunt's will.

It sounds as if the great-aunt made her will before your father became ill. At that point, it couldn't be changed because she had lost capacity.

Legally, it's your money, but you and your mum both know that if your dad hadn't died prematurely he would passed on his inheritance to your mum. You are the beneficiary only because your dad died.

No matter what the legal position is, I think you need to take your mother's feelings into account. To put it bluntly, in a way, you're profiting from the fact that she is a widow. She lost your dad, and now she loses his inheritance which would make her life easier.

You've lost your dad. However much you'd like the money, I think there will be an emotional cost if you keep it all for yourself, knowing that your dad would have wanted your mum to have it.

Who is the executor of your great-aunt's will? They should be able to give you a rough idea of the sum involved. If I were you, I would do my best to get my brother on board and jointly pass on a share to your mother. As a beneficiaries, you can do deeds of variation which will protect you from tax liabilities.

She has done and still does a lot for you both. Getting older is expensive - heating, optician, dentist, paying for house maintenance that your dad would have done. She might decide not to accept the money but I think. you'll feel bad about it if you don't.

The thing with wills is that no one can bank on anything. At any point the person can change their minds and say fuck it I am spending the lot before I die.
It's not your problem that she has been banking on this.
It's also very telling that what you are basically saying is that even after your df died the will was never changed. Think about that for a moment. You GA didn't want the cash going to him.

Thymeout. Absolutely spot on, I think if it is a large amount I would like to split it 3 ways, my brother has said we would all sit down and talk about it. If we do then I will bring up him not contributing because she is worried about all those things you've talked about. I will also offer to pay her for babysitting although I don't think she wants money for it, maybe I should insist. But I would like a share of the inheritance, my bathroom is knackered my shower does not work and mybtap won't turn off and is so noisy I can hear it at night!!

It is not, and never was, your dad's money. If your great aunt had wanted her money to go to your mum she would have written that in her will. She did not, so I believe it would actually be quite wrong to give it to someone else unless you expressly wanted to. It's your money, spend it how you wish. I'm sure your mum will understand that.

The more information that's posted,the more CFery is coming to light

This sounds like an entire family with really unusual, opaque financial entanglements which need to be nipped in the bud.

• Your dad was being a CF for expecting to dictate how Great Aunt should distribute her estate - none of his business!
• Your brother not contributing to his living costs with his mum is your mum's problem to sort out, OP.
• You paying for childcare from her is another separate issue which you may or may not decide to backdate for in future, or pay for from her in future.

The inheritance is entirely separate and comes with legal and financial implications which I doubt you, your brother or your mum even comprehend. Your mum is being a CF to expect to have it all handed over to her as a fait accompli here, she shouldn't be "banking" on anything in terms of an inheritance due to the potential risks of people remarrying, care home fees, and a number of very likely different reasons already identified.

I think the issue of your brother not contributing should be brought up now, before the Will gets dealt with.

OP it sounds as if your great aunt made her will long before your father died and it is usual to leave a bequest to someone with the proviso that if that someone predeceases the testator, then the bequest is to go to someone else eg to my brother X and in the event he doesssnot survive me then to X’s children Z and Y in equal shares.
BTW the fact that your father had powerof attorney did not give him any right to alter your great aunt’s will in any way shape or form. Only the testator has that power. Your great aunt will have foreseen in her will that her brother might predecease her yet did not apparently choose to leave his share to his wife.
You are under no legal or moral duty to give your DM your share.

I agree with your brother; until you find out what the likely amount is, there is no point fretting - as you say, it may end up being £2.50!

However, in principle, your GA left it to her blood relations and you are not to blame for the fact that you are and your mother is not. So it goes.

It sounds like you have both done well out of your mum. She must have been hoping to enter retirement with her husband, and as the only relatives of an elderly aunt im sure they did count on whatever inheritance she'd leave coming to them. You would be getting nothing if your df was still here. Try to do a split - not sure how well you would enjoy a new bathroom if it leads to a fallout with your dm (and babysitter).

StarsHollow, if it's big, I've decided I will deffo split it, your right a bathroom is not more important than a family fall out, I value my mum more than that, and she's been amazing.
I only mentioned it as an example of how I would need some money, there are other expenses for sorting out my flat, but the bathroom is pretty grim at the moment.

As others have said, you seem to be the family scapegoat!

The fact that you agree that you will be profiting from the fact that she is a widow if you take the money that is legally yours just highlights the fact that whilst your mum expects money for nothing, your brother gets housed for nothing, yet you feel you should pay your mum for child care and have every expectation of giving her money that you need.

Basically you have decided that you will give your mother and brother more money to pay for their fairly free and easy lives and leave your own child living in a house that you say needs some fairly essential work dong to it. Why?

You may value you mum more than a bathroom, but your child????

If the inheritance is sizeable you MUST REMEMBER that if you give it to your mum it will be YOU that gets any tax bill!