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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

... in thinking that limerence is just a convenient excuse for women to have affairs?

154 replies

IamPeas · 19/11/2018 10:49

I'm part way through a limerence thread on MN, and it seems to me that it's all bollocks really. A bunch of MNetters consoling and hand-holding each other through their limerence fog. It's not their fault, they can't help it, these wicked men have such a hold over them, blah! blah! It has a label so it's ok... half of them have SO's or the limerence object has a SO.

If a woman shares on MN that her SO has so much as looked at another person it's LTB, but the other way round seems to be ok?

I've crossed the line with people myself, and been obsessed, but I still own it and admit that one or both of us were being duplicitous. It seems that limerence makes allowances for cheating women but is no excuse for men.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Newspeak · 19/11/2018 10:52

You clearly don't understand what limerence is. It's not a small crush on someone it's an actual researched mental health condition.

Newspeak · 19/11/2018 10:53

I'm not saying by the way that everyone who says they have it do. I'm sure there are some looking for an excuse.

Roaring · 19/11/2018 10:55

Can you link the thread? I'd never even heard of this!!

MarthaArthur · 19/11/2018 10:56

I have limerence and its not about having an affair but sure some people can use it as an excuse to have an affair. Its a real condition and its hell. Im going through it now but mine was triggered by being left with no explanation.

NothingOnTellyAgain · 19/11/2018 11:00

Never heard of limerence will look up.

IHopeThisIsAGoodIdea · 19/11/2018 11:01

I've never heard of this before. Link to other thread?

Unicornandbows · 19/11/2018 11:01

I agree with you op. Limerance to me is a gateway to cheating.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 19/11/2018 11:03

Ive never heard of this before.

WorraLiberty · 19/11/2018 11:05

I've never heard of it so just Googled it.

Not sure what to make of it really Confused

NothingOnTellyAgain · 19/11/2018 11:06

So like the all consuming obsession you get when young?

Doesn't mean you need to act on it though!

I had a bout of this when I was about 40, I was totally obsessed with this bloke to the point that I was honestly upset that we were not going to be together. I put it down to hormonal last gasp! It was like being a teen again do weird but also quite fun, to feel so much so intensely in middle age is not that usual probably!

I decided not to act on it, at least partially based on the fact he was about 20 years younger, lived in a different country. Oh and famous. And almost certainly gay 🤣🤣🤣

UpstartCrow · 19/11/2018 11:10

I've had it but didn't act on it. It was fucking horrible. But hurting people is worse.
If you want to sleep with someone, split up with your partner.

Usernumbers1234 · 19/11/2018 11:14

@newspeak

You clearly don’t know what an “actual researched mental health condition” is then

Newspeak · 19/11/2018 11:16

Recorded in peer reviewed journals not sufficient then?

Usernumbers1234 · 19/11/2018 11:18

Link them then.... with context

Badtasteflump · 19/11/2018 11:20

I googled this yesterday after it was mentioned in a thread - sounds to me like it's a flowery name for a crush.

And yes, I agree it's romanticising something that any men doing the same would be slated for - so YANBU.

Usernumbers1234 · 19/11/2018 11:21

@newspeak

And also would be nice to see where it is on the DSM and ICD

Badtasteflump · 19/11/2018 11:22

And in reply to Newspeak I think that kind of misses the point. Most of the women on these threads probably do just have the fanny gallops for somebody they shouldn't - not any 'medical health condition'.

Hedgehogblues · 19/11/2018 11:25

People don't have to act on their feelings though

MarthaArthur · 19/11/2018 11:29

Its very very true people.dont have to act on their feelings though. Affairs are disgusting and its so wrong to put it down as limerence when its not. For me limerence is tied to my ocd. I am obsessive over someone who has cut himself off from me i want to turn up and his house and demand he talks to me but obviously i wont because i have self control and its not healthy. So of course people can control it when they are married.

Gigglebrain · 19/11/2018 11:29

Bad tastefulflump
And in reply to Newspeak I think that kind of misses the point. Most of the women on these threads probably do just have the fanny gallops for somebody they shouldn't - not any 'medical health condition'.

You win, fanny gallops 😁😁

MephistophelesApprentice · 19/11/2018 11:30

It's like 'hysteria', the pathologising of perfectly normal behaviour in order to infantilise women.

gendercritter · 19/11/2018 11:33

I've had it. I didn't act on it. Learning about it helped me understand why I felt so tormented by not being with that particular man. It helped me not give into my feelings and go after what I wanted.

Experiencing limerance is dreadful. I think I only did so for quite deep-rooted reasons connected to trauma. Despite having experienced it I certainly have no plans of sleeping with someone taken, anytime, ever. I think a lot of the women I've seen posting about it on here are resisting cheating, too, and are just trying to get a grip on it.

gendercritter · 19/11/2018 11:34

Oh and I've had lots of perfectly normal other crushes throughout my life which weren't anything like the worst of limerance.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 19/11/2018 11:36

So I've just had a look on google, It sounds like a load of made up bollocks to me. Just something else in the long line which needs a 'label'.

YANBU op, not at all.

RudolphsJinglingBalls · 19/11/2018 11:36

I have schitzoaffective disorder and had episodes with limerance twice. You can say its not real all day long but I know full well that it is. My 1st was triggered by abuse after a period of childhood neglect. So my first serious relationship, I was beaten black and blue and then I found out he was cheating on me. I lost the plot and couldn't stand that I had put up with so much from him and I still wasn't enough. I went crazy, uncontrollably so and I ran him over, smashed up his flat and beat his bit on the side up. But I loved him desperately and couldn't see that what I had done was anything but practical. I was sectioned and diagnosed, and specifically told that what I had felt was not real but due to limerance.

The other time my OH and I were really struggling. The 7 year itch and he wasn't happy and neither was I. I went manic, met a guy that turned out to be a friend of a friend, from another country and they also knew my aunt and uncle that lived in another country .There was so many coincidences and threads that tied us together, friends, family, hobbies that it was like fate. I did tell my OH to move out, that our relationship was over. The guy was still with his wife but I didn't care, I was obsessed and thought about him 24/7. It ended badly and was a period of total madness. I am very sure that he would blame me,say that I chased him blah blah but it is not true. The feeling I had for him was so intense that even now 10 years on I think of him and get goose bumps. I look forward to going to sleep incase I dream about him. But I do not want him- it was the promise and the idea of him that had me crazy. My psychiatrist would tell you I have issues when I am not in control. She may be right.

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