... in thinking that limerence is just a convenient excuse for women to have affairs?

[IamPeas]

I'm part way through a limerence thread on MN, and it seems to me that it's all bollocks really. A bunch of MNetters consoling and hand-holding each other through their limerence fog. It's not their fault, they can't help it, these wicked men have such a hold over them, blah! blah! It has a label so it's ok... half of them have SO's or the limerence object has a SO.

If a woman shares on MN that her SO has so much as looked at another person it's LTB, but the other way round seems to be ok?

I've crossed the line with people myself, and been obsessed, but I still own it and admit that one or both of us were being duplicitous. It seems that limerence makes allowances for cheating women but is no excuse for men.

AIBU?

Men can and do experience limerence

But so what? A stalker is a stalker no matter what the reason. A cheat is a cheat no matter what the reason.

I've experienced limerence for one person. I can tell you, it's not a crush. It's a total madness. I've had crushes. I was totally and utterly obsessed during limerence and I lost myself completely.

Those who doubt the severity of limerance are simply those who have never experienced it for themselves.

But everyone knows what it means.

Obsession leads people to do extreme things, sometimes. Of course it's difficult.

The question is, why the fancy name for something that is in the news all the time and everyone knows about?

There have been books plays etc written about these feelings since forever, usually by men.

Music
Obv
It's hardly an unknown rare thing

I'd never heard of the "condition" before. I actually come on to the thread to check what the OP actually meant...

So, if this is really real (and I'm not saying it is or it isn't) why is it suddenly a "thing" and when a woman comes on here to say that her DH / DP has had an affair aren't people telling her to get him checked out by a doctor for having limerence. No they immediately say there is NO excuse and they need to kick him out.

I am absolutely positive if that same woman said "Oh my DH has had an affair and is blaming limerence" everyone would be saying what utter rubbish it is rather than "Oh no, poor chap, then you must stay with him as it is clearly not his fault, it is a MH issue, you'd be a cow to kick him out...!).

Double standards anyone?

I get fucking horribly obsessed with people. I hate myself for it and it drives me mad. It makes me manipulative in awful ways to get what I want, I just don't realise until after. It also makes me over think, which is bad because I can be a bit delusional anyway. I tried seeking help when I was overwhelmingly, obsessionally fixated on someone I thought wanted to kill me, but also couldn't leave alone, I was quite stalkery. Luckily it turned out the killing me bit was just me being delusional, but the mad fixation continuing, when you also think someone is going to dismember you is quite scary.

I fixate on people until they're mine (I've never been turned down), but then I get worse not better really. Most recently I've threatened to kill myself, accompanied with videos of me covered in blood to stop someone going on holiday with their ex.

It's definitely a mental health problem. I don't eat and sleep very little. It consumes my mind in the same way that a sudden bereavement does; where it seems impossible to think about anything else. My behaviour is odd. If I feel secure in a relationship, it calms down, but I still have to actively try to not be obsessive and strange.

I don't know if that's limereance or just my dodgy mental health though. I'd not heard of limerance before, but it sounds similar.

Many of the people on this thread claiming to have experienced limerence say it was just one aspect of serious mental health conditions they suffer from- rather than a condition in its own right.

I also think, if it is an actual mental illness, it gets thrown around very lightly on MN. People rightly get shot down in flames for blithely saying "oh I'm so OCD". Presumably pathologising a crush by self diagnosing yourself with limerence is just as offensive?

ive had this twice, and tbh there is nothing convenient about it in any sense.

I am personally of the view that I'm just unpleasantly obsessive and probably shouldn't have relationships, rather than that my behaviour should be excused. At the moment I have a long distance relationship, which feels safer, with someone who knows me very well and is understanding of my shitty mental health and obsessiveness. If we break up, I've come to the conclusion I probably should avoid any kind of romantic relationship or situation in the future. I can't be trusted.

I have OCD and have experienced limerence. It's horrible, because it's so intrusive and all-absorbing. It's far more than just "fanny gallops" or a crush; IME it was a serious of obsessive thoughts which made perfect sense in my head at the time but when considered objectively, were waaaaay off kilter.

The object in my case never knew about it - he lived in another country, and I had a completely fantasised, projected sense of who he was. Fortunately my DH was incredibly supportive (it came to a head when I planned a holiday that would have given me the opportunity to visit the town where my object lived. Essentially I was on the verge of becoming a stalker, albeit a very unassuming/invisible and non-violent one - I wasn't planning to approach him himself, or leave any clue I'd been there, I just wanted to see the town where he lived so I could imagine him going about his daily business) and encouraged me to get help, which is when my OCD, GAD and depression were diagnosed. I have no doubt the limerence was a manifestation of that combination of issues.

I must admit I had never heard of it until I saw it on MN a couple of years ago on the relationships board. I'd say barely a week goes by without a thread or two on there where it gets brought up.

I experienced it, I wasn't married.

My understanding was that I needed a time in my life to be selfish, to feel love and basically have a breakdown because I couldn't go on as I was.

It was a combination of me wanting something to get me out of a rut and it being triggered by a damaged man messing with me.

When I came out the other side, I changed the rut I was in and did better.

tit can i ask what treatment you received? Im still working through mine and its hell. The object of my obsession told me he had strong feelings for me wanted to be with me every single day slept with me at every oppertunity then walked out one day and never responded to my messages. This was about 4 weeks ago and i struggle to get over it. But according to some on here my feelings (that no one knows about because i keep them in my own head and dont act on anything) either doesnt exist or i am creepy and no better than a violent stalker.

I had something like this but it was connected to being left very suddenly and without explanation by the person in question and I was completely consumed by it - despite being treated so badly by him it was like an actual madness. Not fanny gallops. I said and did completely out of character stalker things, didn’t sleep for months and felt physically ill as I wanted to be with him so badly.

I have come across him randomly online in the past few years and feel nothing now. I can’t explain how obsessional it was and out of my own mind. I think it probably was some kind of panic grief. Bizarre

A lot of what is being said on here is woman who have been treated badly by their men and then are obsessing about then when they leave. it sounds very similar to stockholm syndrome.

Martha I had extensive CBT including ERP (exposure and response prevention) and take anti-depressants (sertraline). I still struggle with GAD, some days more than others, but the obsessive thoughts are mostly under control (I had other symptoms, particularly hoarding and repetitive thought patterns - fixating on a word and repeating it in my head to 'ward off' bad things happening) and I've never focused on anyone the way I did my object.

I can't imagine how much harder it would have been if he'd genuinely been in my life rather than just someone I became aware of at a distance through work/a hobby and fixated on; I really hope you can get help and get through this. I look back and am both horrified/ashamed but also don't recognise the person I was then. I think I was genuinely out of my mind.

It's very interesting and I will research it more. I had a massive crush out of nowhere about 18 months ago and it was hell. I think it was partly due to menopause. I wouldn't call it limerence, but I did have some obsessive and uncontrollable feelings that I really couldn't work out. Fortunately the feelings went away as soon as he reciprocated the interest. Basically he immediately invited me to hook up (I was thinking coffee first!) and then he casually threw in that it had to be that night as his gf was out of town (what gf?!) and thankfully I saw him for the sleazy player that he is.

I wonder if hormones play a part in limerence too?

Thanks for sharing titoftheiceburg i will be looking into this. I hope your doing well now. Its hell isnt it. Mine is definitely an ocd reaction to something thats ripped the rug from under me. We were planning future activities and now nothing with no explanation that i feel i am owed.

Herja

That is possibly the scariest thing I've ever read online.

It doesn't sound like a mental illness in its own right but rather a feature in the lives of some people who already have serious MH problems.

It's been a difficult issue since the dawn of man -when are we mad and when are we bad and how to draw the line.

The bottom line is fhat some of these conditions are too expreme for people's partner or spouse to have to live with whatever the marriage vows of in sickness and health say so whether the other person has a diagnosed condition or not their partner may not want to stay with them if they have this.

I always thought the term was interchangeable with lust? I've never known of it referred to as a mental illness.

Surely it's only a mental illness if it become pathological in which case there are probably other deeper problems going on which enable someone to behave in such away; I.e. against all social norms and sense of reason.

People have these fleeting "obsessions" from time to time but to act on it indicates in the first instance a lack of self control other than some limerance mental illness?

Can safely say that my attraction to Laurence Fox is aesthetic only!

I have fallen for someone though. At point in my life where I was in a rut. I probably let myself be used a bit. But I did truly love HIM- I always say it came as naturally as breathing. But I always knew that it was one sided and it did spur me to move my life on. It hurt because I hated myself for having feelings. And they didn't magically vanish when I met DP (who I love far more), I had to actively let go. However I don't think I had limerence. I believe in it but I do think it gets used too easily by some. I simply fell for the wrong person.

beeefcake lust is different all together. And i think limerence (at least for me is just part of my ocd and other people already tend to have mental illness that goes hand in hand with it rather than it being a stand alone illness in itself.)

And its not always about lack of control and behaving appropriately. For me i am acting appropriately. Im not messaging him. Im not going to his house. I am leaving him well alone like he wants. But it doesnt stop me throwing up 3 times a day and i have ruined my teeth. It doesnt stop me looking him up to see if hes been online. It doesnt stop me thinking about him all the time until its 6am and i have work at 8. Not everyone will act the same but its not an uncontrollable beast in most people with it.

I've never heard of this and I'm a mental health nurse. What people are describing we would just call a pathological obsession. I've worked with quite a number of people who have experienced this and they all had a pre-existing mental health condition.

All the people saying its an excuse for women to have affairs and a name that is bandied around to get sympathy etc that just isn't true, at
least not for me.

My mental health issues are fully diagnosed by professionals. I have no need to self diagnose. And me having labels for my symptoms does not for a second mean that I can excuse them, but rather helps to me to label and then explain them in my own mind. Then I can put a plan in place to help make sure I know what to do in the future if it starts happening again. BUT part of the nature of my mental health issues is that when I am manic or in psychosis I literally have no control over my actions and am by definition living in another world where the real rules do not apply. Under that umbrella then no, I am not going to beat myself up and will say that I was not in control. It isn't an excuse! I spend hours every day on mindfulness, meditation and self care.

I have to analyse every single emotion and it's fucking shit. My labels are not a cheap shitty excuse for me to be a bastard. But they may cause it.