... in thinking that limerence is just a convenient excuse for women to have affairs?

[IamPeas]

I'm part way through a limerence thread on MN, and it seems to me that it's all bollocks really. A bunch of MNetters consoling and hand-holding each other through their limerence fog. It's not their fault, they can't help it, these wicked men have such a hold over them, blah! blah! It has a label so it's ok... half of them have SO's or the limerence object has a SO.

If a woman shares on MN that her SO has so much as looked at another person it's LTB, but the other way round seems to be ok?

I've crossed the line with people myself, and been obsessed, but I still own it and admit that one or both of us were being duplicitous. It seems that limerence makes allowances for cheating women but is no excuse for men.

AIBU?

I’m not laughing
It’s almost an inexplicable thing

Limerence is not a normal crush. It's all consuming and never lets up for a second. It has nearly driven me crazy, and the lows were a worse feeling than a bereavement I suffered that year. I can't quite believe I've admitted that. Yes, I believe it's a psychological disorder, likely linked to past trauma. I still feel bitter. Such is my fear of it ever happening again that I live an almost solitary life now, work alone, and have few friends.

I have heard of limerence but it sounds to me like craving a particular man, and needing a label put on that.

Often seems to be when the man no longer or never did want the woman whose harping on and on about him. I suppose the mentionitis aspect of it may be some sort of salve

Whilst I hugely sympathise with those of you suffering from limerence, I can tell you now that it's hell on earth being the subject of it. I'm trying to say this without arrogance as I'm aware I'm nothing special. But a former flame is currently obsessed with me and it's ruining my life.

We started seeing each other about 3 years ago as a sort of FWB situation. Mutually agreed and casual. The sex was off the charts incredible and I was enjoying myself but knew I would want nothing long term. After several months however and his increasingly odd behaviour, I realised he was starting to have serious feelings for me and not wanting to be a user, I did the decent thing and called it off.

He went absolutely postal. Completely mad. 1000's of texts and phone calls/begging/threats/showing up at my work/turning up at my house whilst my kids were in and making a scene. Confronting my ex partner and accusing me of cheating/calling me a slut/whore/etc. Threatening to post my intimate pictures online or print them out into posters and pin them up around my neighbourhood.

I was terrified and tried to reason with him and his blackmail but it wasn't working so I contacted the police. He was arrested, cautioned for harassment and backed off for a bit. But it hasn't stopped there. He's still going THREE YEARS ON! Now he's smarter and uses temporary SIM cards to text me and makes new email addresses to message me. He swings between telling me he loves me/wants my pussy and calling me all the most degrading names under the sun. I know it's him despite the fact he can lob his SIM cards or cheapo phones away and deny it. He also drives onto my street and sits in his car waiting (for what I don't know). I see him at the shops or on the school run. I haven't bothered with the police again as I know nothing will stop him. I'm just going to get the fuck outta dodge. I'm not physically scared of him at all (he hasn't got it in him). But I'm so drained with dealing with it.

This post is timely as I've even had a message tonight. Offering to pay me to have sex with him once more to "earn a bit of Xmas money". Yes that's right; offering to make me a prostitute is the way to my heart...😒 He thinks he's madly in love with me, but actually he doesn't (can't possibly) love me at all. It's limerence or obsession of some sort. Possibly hormonal (as I said, the sexual connection was out of this world). He actually despises me in a way. Because if you truly loved someone you would not treat them this way. So if anyone thinks they're in love with their limerant object, you're probably not. Real love is give and take. And even letting the other person go if that's what makes them happy. Limerence is all about desire and trying to force a situation that shouldn't necessarily be...

As I said before, I know I've got a very extreme case of stalking on my hands. But please all think before you act. I am going to have to change my phone number and move house/job/move my kids school all because of this shit. And it's not fair - we don't deserve it. One man's obsession is ruining my life and has made scared to ever get involved with anybody again.

I think men and women deal with this differently. Women internalise and agonise privately, and the pain is all inflicted on themselves. Perhaps men in limerance feel the impulse to act out against the person in their sights and force the obsession onto them to ‘win’. Whereas a lot of women are too ashamed to show the man how it’s making them feel which is why it is so torturing

I simply had a rather one sided attraction which I recognised and dealt with, but I do agree with Pookie. I couldn't explain what made him so different to anyone else I'd ever fancied- sometimes unreciprocated. And I was fucking livid about it! It's the first time I've felt out of control with someone and it was so sudden and I knew it was wrong- that feeling of knowing all along and refusing to give in to it is probably what saved me. But he was never far from my mind & to actually see him was torture.

Docudrama that is stalking. You did have a relationship.

The whole point of limerance is there never was a relationship.

It’s perfectly logical that limerance can occur when a relationship is very bad and/or ends and often explains why people tolerate being treated and rejected and cannot seem to get a grip of any self respect. I think the concept that people suffering limerance just choose a random person to get attached to isn’t logical. Usually there is some kind of connection, but there is a spectrum from being a colleague you never approach to a partner who rejects you and you fall into an obsession

Douche, that's scary and takes my original thoughts onto a different level. It also seems more sinister when a woman is the recipient of the obsessiveness, maybe because we think men are more dangerous than women? I am genuinely shocked by the number of people posting who have experienced limerence, although I fail to see where people have laughed at them. I wasn't laughing at the thread i referred to, I'm just genuinely confused as to why MN is sympathetic towards women who are obsessed with other men, but unsympathetic towards men obsessed with other women. The whole thing is more troubling than I thought.

I think you can have limerence whether you've been with someone before or not. A few posters on this thread and the other have mentioned having some sort of prior relationship with their limerant object (often an on-off/push pull thing) which they obsessed about before, during and after its demise. It's a game of delusions either way. I've suffered with something similar myself but not to the degree I'm on the receiving end of now.

I really do sympathise with those going through it, I will say that much! It's clearly horrible (and as I said I've had a bloody obsessional crush on someone before that knocked me sick). I even feel badly sorry for my stalker and feel like I've ruined his life. But I'm also tired and scared and feel it's savagely unjust that what was supposed to be a bit of fun has badly affected not only his life, but my life and that of my poor children. I wish I'd never met him.

Never got behind this concept either. If two s8ngle people go on to get married then it wasnt limerence but if they shouldnt / couldnt be together, it is limerence

Men are more dangerous than women historically and in reality many more men assault and harm women than women harm men. There are dangerous women. But there are more dangerous men than dangerous women. This goes back to that women are more likely to be programmed to be ashamed by these feelings and men more likely to aggressively pursue their obsession. It’s simply more socially acceptable for a man to be pushy than a woman. But where it steps over the line is stalking which is what some people are describing. People who suffer limerance and torture themselves do get my sympathy. And not all cases the obsession partner is entirely innocent.

Google limerance.
It has nothing to do with love.it is a manic feeling which is not based on that feeling being returned. There is no relationship.

pookie totally agree on the men and women reacting to it differently. I only heard about the condition recently but it sounds very like what I had after breaking up with an ex many years ago. I have ocd and assumed it was just part and parcel of my obsessive brain but I’ve never experienced anything like it before or since.

However , I had my pride and a sense of self control so never actually acted on the obsessive thoughts / compulsion to contact him. My thoughts may have been those of a stalker but I never allowed myself to act on them because it would have been too degrading. It seems (some) men on the other hand ‘give in’ to obsessional feelings, like the ex of the poster above. I would never in a million years behave like that because I have the self awareness to realise how it would effect the subject of the obsession. That’s not to say I wasn’t thinking about him 24/7!! I honestly thought I’d never get over him or be happy again and couldn’t eat or sleep at the thought of him with his new gf. I am now happily married and cringe at the memory!

It’s very strange to look back on it now. It was such an awful feeling and I didn’t feel able to talk about it because friends and family were sick of me moping about and I was too ashamed to admit the true extent of my obsession!

I've experienced it. It was the worst period of my life, by a long shot. Unfortunately, it was reciprocated. If it had not been, I think I would have 'got over it' much faster.

"It has nothing to do with love.it is a manic feeling which is not based on that feeling being returned."

Men stalking coercing beating raping their ex partners has NOTHING to do with love and EVERYTHING to do with being dangerously obsessed

With an extra helping of male entitlement / issues around many men still at a very very deep level seeing women as objects / property

Limerance means "dangersouly obsessed" doesn't it which is not an unknown or rare phenomenon. With a possible result that women hurt themselves and men hurt others as per PP comments.

I mean where the men are being obsessive and not just being bastards.

As per PP post with 1000s of texts stalking 3 years still going on.
That has NOTHING to do with love FFS.

We are quite hard on men who display such behaviour...

I've experienced it. It was the worst period of my life, by a long shot. Unfortunately, it was reciprocated. If it had not been, I think I would have 'got over it' much faster.

I've only just heard about limerence 5 min ago, but I thought it had to not be reciprocated?

We are quite hard on men who display such behaviour because it can result in harm.

i suppose we dont hear about it in women so much as they are less likely to be dangerous / try really hard to cover it up.

To be on the receiving end of fixation from a woman can't be much fun either.

I mean like massive illegal harm.

Obviously there is harm in the more "minor" stuff as well.

We don't tend to kill the object of our obsessions though, at anywhere near the same rate.

We don't tend to kill the object of our obsessions though, at anywhere near the same rate.

Surely those who have a diagnosis of limerence would fall into a higher-risk category for perpetrating violence?

I'm pretty sure it's being male that is the biggest risk factor for violence statistically.

You don't read in the news of "dangerously obsessed" women killing men left right and centre.

I mean that's just a fact.

Women on here have talked abotu self harm rather than harming others.

OP it’s not about being sympathetic to women but not men. It’s about being sympathetic to someone suffering from it but not someone that decides to act on it. You can not have a choice in how you feel, but you still have a choice in how you act. A lot of women with limerance know something isn’t right & they’ll try to hide it, & internalise it, rather than having anyone think they’re ‘crazy’.