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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

... in thinking that limerence is just a convenient excuse for women to have affairs?

154 replies

IamPeas · 19/11/2018 10:49

I'm part way through a limerence thread on MN, and it seems to me that it's all bollocks really. A bunch of MNetters consoling and hand-holding each other through their limerence fog. It's not their fault, they can't help it, these wicked men have such a hold over them, blah! blah! It has a label so it's ok... half of them have SO's or the limerence object has a SO.

If a woman shares on MN that her SO has so much as looked at another person it's LTB, but the other way round seems to be ok?

I've crossed the line with people myself, and been obsessed, but I still own it and admit that one or both of us were being duplicitous. It seems that limerence makes allowances for cheating women but is no excuse for men.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MarthaArthur · 19/11/2018 11:36

Yes limerence is not a normal crush so please stop making out it is. I habe never felt suicidal with normal crushes and i've never wanted to stalk anyone with a normal crush. Limerence is awful. As i said mines tied to my ocd. If i am obsessive over other things why would a person be different?

RudolphsJinglingBalls · 19/11/2018 11:42

Im totally with you @MarthurArthur. I have had perfectly normal crushes and been fine. But it is an agonising thing and unless you have experienced it you cant understand how debilitating it is.

And to clarify mine, I was and have only even been violent once and that was when in my first relationship. Thankfully I was never charged and I have lived a very clean and careful law abiding life since then. But I have to be careful every single day of my life to make sure I keep my mood and emotions in check and that on its own is horrible. I have to constantly analyse my feelings to see if its real and that is awful. I cant just "be" happy. I have to see if my happiness is legitimate or if I am at risk of going overboard.

derxa · 19/11/2018 11:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bobaboutwhat · 19/11/2018 11:43

Oh God - have just looked limerence up and can safely say I have had this so many times with different men Blush Turning a man-child idiot boyfriend in to a god-like figure, having such a big crush on a celebrity that I would run out of the room if he came on the tv if my ex-partner was there, the list goes on and on. Turning romantic fantasy in to your own reality is a very powerful, all-consuming feeling and it’s very emotionally painful! Read a bit of research where it says ‘it’s more to do with the idea of being in-love and is far removed from actually being in-love” Bloody hell I wish someone had pointed this theory out to me a long time ago Hmm However, actually cheating on a partner/husband takes it to another level sadly.

MarthaArthur · 19/11/2018 11:45

I totally get that rudolph i have to question all my thoughts to see if they are reasonable and logical and i get confused easily as to whether i am acting normal or not. Mines not been as extreme as yours. I sent 3 unanswered texts to mine and he never replied after he walked out of my house after sleeping with me. I badly want to show up at his door or his familys work and demand he speaks to me but i know thats insane and i never would do it. But i think about him probably 12 hours a day and i vomit if i hear his name or anything i associate with him which is everything. I hope.your doing better now. X

BruegeITheElder · 19/11/2018 11:49

It's like 'hysteria', the pathologising of perfectly normal behaviour in order to infantilise women

Can men not get limerince then?

I've never heard of it before this thread.

MysweetAudrina · 19/11/2018 11:51

It's fucking terrible. I had it bad a couple of years ago and nearly messed up my whole life. I told my dh in the end and things are really good between us now. It was the most horrible all consuming obsessive compulsive feeling I have ever had. I think it had something to do with peri -menopause though and it was my ovaries making me do it :P. I have taken a huge number of steps to prevent it happening again.

Xenia · 19/11/2018 11:54

It sounds like it may be quite hard to draw the line between it and an obssessive crush however (and it brings to mind all those men who claim to have sex addiction as some kind of public defence to sleeping with loads of women whilst they are married).

In a sense it doesn't matter if these things are mental illnesses or not. The person on the receiving end still is likely to leave you with all the consequences divorce brings with it so it's best to avoid acting no the urges if you can.

RudolphsJinglingBalls · 19/11/2018 11:58

@Xenia I also had a sex addiction, thankfully it came to an end around 20 when I found the right mix of drugs but I have slept with A LOT of people. I was abused as a young girl and found I got addicted to control through sex. Men will do anything if they are going to get laid and I totally got off on the power. I used to have sex 2-3 times a day at its worst and was still masturbating between that too. Humans are super complicated .

Hayley86H · 19/11/2018 11:58

@Badtasteflump fanny gallops 🤣🤣🤣🤣

GrannyFallops · 19/11/2018 12:07

Men do get limerence and it doesn't always happen to people who are already in relationships, so it's not just 'and excuse for an affair'.

I've had it several times. The last time I had it, it was all consuming to the point where all I could think about all day was when he would text. If he replied, I was in a good mood, if he didn't, that was it for the day. Everything else went out of the window. I couldn't concentrate on anything but him.

It is much, much more than a crush and it is at once the most exhilarating and exhausting and soul destroying thing to go through. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Onemorefireball · 19/11/2018 12:18

I have this currently, but I would never ever act on it or use it as an excuse to have an affair. I know it will end at some point and I look forward to that!

IamPeas · 19/11/2018 12:21

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
IamPeas · 19/11/2018 12:36

Ok, I accept that I don't know much about limerence, and the bits I have read made me realise I have had symptoms at times. Maybe it is the thread I was reading, but many of the people on the thread appear to be attached or the object is attached. So presumably a lot of men who act on their desire for the LO (limerence object) are mentally traumatised too? So we should cut them some slack.

I have depression and have been treated for it since I was 4 years old (I'm now in my 50's). I am acutely aware of how my own behaviours and reasoning can be fucked up without treatment (and even with treatment). I can't empathise with people experiencing limerence, but can sympathise with people if they truly have it. I still think though that some people seem to be grabbing this label and running with it.

OP posts:
BedsideCabinetisnotAvailable · 19/11/2018 13:21

Limerence is a crush.
Control yourselves.....

It should not be considered a MH condition to get the fanny flutters.

BedsideCabinetisnotAvailable · 19/11/2018 13:22

Yes limerence is not a normal crush so please stop making out it is. I habe never felt suicidal with normal crushes and i've never wanted to stalk anyone with a normal crush.

Imagine if a man said this!!

MarthaArthur · 19/11/2018 13:26

So what if a man said it? Wtf does that even mean?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 19/11/2018 13:26

BedsideCabinetisnotAvailable

Imagine if a man said this!!

I was thinking the exact same thing, if a man was acting the way some people on this thread have described then they would be branded a creep and a threat, how come Women get a cutesy name for this ridiculous behaviour?

MarthaArthur · 19/11/2018 13:30

Limerence is not a woman only thing. No idea where posters get this stupid notion from. So your saying people with mental problems should shut up and lie about their thoughts and never let anyone know so they cant get help?

Ive never stalked anyone. But my mind wants me to. I would never do it. But i should never anonymously express that to other people because??? Oh and men do think like this. A lot.

NothingOnTellyAgain · 19/11/2018 13:31

Men get obsessed all the time to the point of stalking, violence,rape, self harm etc

We never needed a special name for this before past "obsessed".

Why does it need a different name for women?

maddening · 19/11/2018 13:32

So is stalking due to limerance?

maddening · 19/11/2018 13:33

Whether it is a man or woman doing the stalking?

NothingOnTellyAgain · 19/11/2018 13:33

Loads of teens feel like this
Sounds hormonal
I got a masive crush as mentioned upthread when I think my ovaries were giving last shout
It was very weird
Thankfully it wasn't on someone IRL that would have been v difficult as I tend to "go for" what I want!
It's gone now.

MarthaArthur · 19/11/2018 13:34

Stalking is probably due to many different things. But i imagine lots of stalkers have limerence. Limerence is just a name coined in the 70s for obsessive feelings towards another person.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 19/11/2018 13:35

I’ve had it in the past- not whilst in a relationship with anyone, so it wasn’t an excuse for an affair. It’s tied to OCD. It’s not nice.

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