... in thinking that limerence is just a convenient excuse for women to have affairs?

[IamPeas]

I'm part way through a limerence thread on MN, and it seems to me that it's all bollocks really. A bunch of MNetters consoling and hand-holding each other through their limerence fog. It's not their fault, they can't help it, these wicked men have such a hold over them, blah! blah! It has a label so it's ok... half of them have SO's or the limerence object has a SO.

If a woman shares on MN that her SO has so much as looked at another person it's LTB, but the other way round seems to be ok?

I've crossed the line with people myself, and been obsessed, but I still own it and admit that one or both of us were being duplicitous. It seems that limerence makes allowances for cheating women but is no excuse for men.

AIBU?

I know the thread has moved in but I agree with your opening post OP. Back in the day it was just called ' having an affair' or 'having an extra curricular shag'

Bit like 'gaslighting' was ' male being abusive'

These things don't need elevating with names. They are what they are.

What I find interesting about all this is if someone posted on the relationship board that they are dating a new man who seems really lovely but has said his ex turned psycho and started harassing and stalking him when they split up the op would be advised to run as it is a huge red flag and he must have made her that way.

This thread just proves otherwise, I can't believe how many people are owning up to this behaviour and I find it quite scary.

“What a horrible post. It was on relationships and helping the woman on there including me. If you don't agree then why not say something on there?”

I agree with @catsarecrazy

It used to be considered bad form to start an aibu thread taking the piss out of/slagging off a support thread elsewhere

But women who are, have been, or are potentially party to an affair are fair game on mn because of that backwards element in society that still enjoys a good public flogging

...and the reason that men are so heftily condemned for the same behaviour is down to the same rubberneckers who love wallowing in the misery of others. You’ll probably find that the people supporting the women and the people condemning the men are shock horror different people. Because of how people can be different from each other. You could probs google that when yr done reaearching limerence

It's not all about stalking anyway. I never stalked my LO. I think some people are fixating too strongly on that aspect.

It is quite possible to experience limerance and be of no harm to anyone. I would say that is far more likely to be the case with women experiencing it. I can well see that men might be more likely to stalk someone.

I certainly haven't harmed anyone. The object of my limerance was a married man who was pushing to sleep with me. He has been sleeping around with other women for most of his marriage and is highly narcissistic. Despite the fact that I am single and he broke his marriage vows many years ago, I still didn't sleep with him. I won't ever. He has no idea about the extent of my issues with him. He wasn't likeable or kind or caring and in fact his narcissism and manipulation is, I believe, partly what triggered my issues.

I have actually been harrassed on a low level by another man for 2 years and it was very frightening. Limerance doesn't mean having no control over your actions. It can still feel unbearable.

Afternoon, everyone. We've deleted a link to another thread on here. We're happy for discussions 'inspired by' another thread to take place but we do think it's a bit off to be discussing a specific thread (particularly a support thread) in this way. If you could keep the discussion general we're happy to leave this thread up for now, but if it becomes clearly just about one thread we will have to remove it we're afraid.

Can't say I have ever known a man claim he was suffering from 'limerance' , infatuation yes, but not 'limerance'.

I have been infatuated with women in the past, could not stop thinking about them, but I like to think I had enough self awareness at the time to leave those thoughts in my head and not let them alter my day to day behaviour. I knew the objects of my desire were not available or indeed not even the ideal person on paper, they just somehow got their hooks into me and only time and space put an end to the feelings. I look back now and wonder what I even saw in these people.

I do think that there is a double standard on here though, while people claiming they are/were suffering from limerance don't quite get a free pass they do seem to get a hell of lot more sympathetic support despite some quite scary or awful behaviour on their parts.

Whats really bizarre is the attitude here towards people who have this. People like me and other posters who have neve acted on our thoughts and feelings. Our LO have no idea about it and yet we are still somehow derranged bad guys who should never speak about our thoughts and should never have sympathy.

Sounds like MN for a crush. Never heard the word before, and definitely sounds like a big name for a justification to cheat.

Never.ceases.to.amaze.me.here

Bunnyfuller
It's a real thing but if be willing to bet most of the time people have a crush.As someone else said, it's possible to be infatuated with someone and not have limerance.

The problem is people can be quick to take very real intense issues and self label because it explains away their actions or conduct.

People have clearly explained that in their experience it’s a self torture, internalised and temporary - it doesn’t seem to last forever. I don’t think anyone is comparing it to why sex offenders and stalkers target and abuse people. There is enough research to show that sex offences aren’t obsessional they are power and control driven and often based on a very deep lifelong hatred of a particular characteristic I.e. women with blonde hair or targetting sex workers. Those reasons are very different

Women here do not seem to be preaching double standards to admit that once in their lives they fell into an insane pit of love/rejection/lust that took over their own lives temporarily and made them very unhappy. Majority of women I ever see talking about limerance are harming themselves (emotionally and mentally) and no one else. It’s spoken about more now because women are confessing it’s happened to them and sometimes putting a name to something can help you recognise what happened to you. Limerance can very much leave the sufferer emotionally detached in later life, anxious and afraid of love

Sex offences aren’t JUST obsessional. Or temporary

I actually have a male friend who suffered limerance and I felt very sorry for him. He is the kind of person who isn’t afraid of his feelings (doesn’t feel he has to play a male stereotype butch emotionless man) and he also did nothing at all to the woman who rejected him. He was very sad, confused and had a bit of a breakdown which he recognised was not at all ok. He was absolutely obsessed with why she had broken up with him, replaying things over in his mind made himself very unhappy and unwell not sleeping etc. It was out of the limits of what is normal to when you are rejected or can’t have someone. And with his friends and family they helped him. He didn’t stalk or attack anyone and worked through it. He said it was like nothing he had ever experienced before - self torture.

Some have asked for sources of psychoanalytic understanding of condition so this link might help - condition is largely connected with attachment and has trauma and addiction crossovers so I would tentatively suggest some compassion toward posters exploring the issue perhaps. A few possible indulgences shouldn't mean it's written off entirely as an infidelity excuse. scholar.google.co.uk/scholar?hl=en&as_sdt=0,5&q=limerence#d=gs_qabs&p=&u=%23p%3DamsWh9wROtoJ

So in other words. Limerence another word for infatuation!

Seems to be connected to unrequited love or rejection though. Not just finding someone really swoony

Herja
Not trying to diagnose of course, but that sounds like the behaviour that somebody with Borderline Personality Disorder might exhibit. Maybe have a look at the symptoms and/or speak with a professional.

Wow!

It sounds a nasty thing to have (and when the person acts on it an awful thing to be on the receiving end of and sometimes criminal). I wonder what means some peope act on it and stalk etc and other people can stop the urge and don't?

There is a book, probably from 80s called "getting the love you want" by Harville Hendrix. It explains why we choose whom we choose. I have read most of it (it's a self-help and too thorough and a bit boring even though it is a thin book). It seems pretty close to explaining this as "why" ??

It is a primal need triggered from childhood situations. No, it's not Freudian. But I think it is fairly straightforward and pragmatic. It helped me understand my brain.

Yep I've read the Google stuff on the lady who coined the name after interviewing 500 people etc etc and still think it's a whole lot of nonsense. Soz. Excuses. Humans can choose and control our emotions. This is what is unique about being human. What a flawed, fluffy and flowery nonsense Limerence is.
So that's what unfaithful men have got then

Ist illness is a bout of mental illness.
2nd part is a mixture of 1st illness + a crush.
The end.

I've only just heard about limerence 5 min ago, but I thought it had to not be reciprocated.

No, any relationship can have limerance. In fact most do, to start off with. It’s when it’s not reciprocated that it becomes a problem. Or when it IS, but the relationship is not ideal for other reasons (one person or both is married, for example.)

Wow, having given talks on addiction for years I can tell you limerance is a very real and difficult mental health state. A bit like your narcissism my dear. Making dissmissive statements about something you clearly know nothing about only illustrates your own immaturity and stupidity and says little about the people you want to look down on.