To put the kids in full time childcare even if I work four days

[Earlgreyrose]

I'm in the process of negotiating a four day week from january.

Nursery offer a discount for full time places which means the price difference is negligible. As such I am considering keeping them in full time nursery and just make it a.shorter day for them. I just feel a bit bad!

I find children like housework, sometimes enjoy it, sometimes don't. Both are tasks to get through the day. Id rather do housework than childcare when they are toddlers, but the other way round as they pass 5-6 years.
The mothers who love toddlers are alien to me. I hate the banal relentless thankless hell.
I love helping with homework and taking to activities.

I can't help but wonder if i've hit a nerve

Of course you have, you've basically said that any parent who puts their child in childcare when they don't absolutely have to doesn't care about them.

My friend does this - it gives her a day to get all the boring jobs done then she isn't wasting valuable family time at the weekend cooking, cleaning and shopping

If you worked full time and had a cleaner, what's the difference???

I wouldn't feel bad at all - household tasks are as much "jobs" as anything else plus it gives u flexibility if you need to swop your days at work too.

My child minder encouraged me to do this when I returned to work when Ds was 11m. I regularly used childcare when I wasn't working until they went to school.

Dh used to have occasional weekend shifts that meant he'd get the Thursday off before and the Tuesday off after a worked weekend. It was fairly sporadic as should have been every 6 weeks but due to sickness and holiday rarely was. We had a cm who had dd1 Monday to Friday 8.30am to 3pm to cover my working hours so was paid no matter what dh's shifts were. On his weekday days off he always had dd1 without question. Last time I checked Dh was a man

I can't help but wonder if i've hit a nerve

Of course you have, you've basically said that any parent who puts their child in childcare when they don't absolutely have to doesn't care about them.

Well yea I obviously don't love my kid cause I like the odd child free holiday and day off to go to the gym and shop child free

@JessieMcJessie
I have no problem whatsoever in acknowledging that people are all different, children are all different and people make different decisions for their own reasons. I do not waste my time judging others just because they don’t do the same as me. This is basic human courtesy. It certainly DOES surprise me when people don’t display it
I honestly think you're in the minority and that most people judge others, especially over controversial, emotive issues such as how we raise our children. Most of us make decisions in our life based on our experience, values and priorities and this normally leads us to a position or choice that we think is best. I think it's incredibly easy to say you completely respect and don't judge other people's choices but when these decisions are completely at odds with what you personally view as the "best" decision then it can be very difficult. We only have our own frames of reference to draw upon and whilst we can try to put ourselves in others' shoes it can be impossible to really do this.

A good example is when I read about how the Queen and Prince Phillip treated Charles during his childhood. Obviously I don't know these people and I am extremely detached from their lives but I still find myself casting judgement on them despite this. Is this fair and right? I honestly don't know, some parenting is objectively pretty shoddy and I'm not sure we should be so keen to be non-judgemental that nobody can challenge or at least identify potentially damaging choices or behaviour.

Conversely I also think sometimes judgement comes from people when they understand exactly why someone might be tempted to make a certain choice or decision because the motivation is pretty universal, however they view the choice to be selfish in the wider context of the impact it will have on others. I think this is happening a bit here. Which parent of young children wouldn't want a child free day to spend running errands or enjoying some me time? Are we wrong to judge percieved selfishness? Again I'm not sure really as im pretty convinced due to the popularity of CFer threads on MN and the outrage regarding misuse of disabled that spaces that selfishness is pretty universally judged and disliked.

Basically my point is people judge and it's not always a bad thing. I do agree though that we have total control about how we voice our judgements and whether we voice them at all. There is absolutely no excuse for unkindness!

I think what you're failing to acknowledge is that although people make different choices some of us can recognise that these are individual choices. The decisions we make for our family are based on our needs, priorities and available choices. They are best for US and I can understand that they are not best for EVERYONE therefore I don't judge....there is no need. Everyone is just what they they can.

NotUmbongoUnchained j do at all think you're an appalling mother, you left your baby with the other parent. Totally different and i'm sure quite difficult for you with your emotions and hormones still all over the place.

Blaa you said it yourself, you prioritise - your wishes over what's best for your children. Once you decide to have them they should come first. They didn't ask to be born to you!

Bumpitybumper there is a difference between being vigilant and calling out behaviour that has the potential to cause real harm- I agree of course that we have a duty to judge in some circumstances- and judging simply because someone does something different to what we would choose. In this context, nurseries up and down the country legally offer 5 day a week childcare and millions of children are brought up on that basis with no evidence that it does them harm. Therefore judgment has no place in this scenario. I can’t say I’d personally waste any headspace judging the Queen for her parenting choices either. However I would judge a mother who smokes indoors near her child, or feeds him nothing but junk food, or never reads to him. But that sort of extreme is not what we are talking about here.

Unfortunately Mumsnet is an outlet for very judgy people to say online what they would never dare to say face-to-face.

You really are something else @sunhill. I can't decide if you're being deliberately goady or actually have issues with comprehension.
My family is my priority , we're a team. Just because we ( and I'll highlight that again - our DS has two parents. Our working patterns and childcare choices were a joint decision ) have chosen to use high quality childcare in order for us to both maintain our careers while raising a family doesn't mean we care for our son any less than someone who chooses to be a SAHP. We're both in jobs that offer huge amounts of flexibility which DS benefits from hugely.
You really need to move away from equating childcare with unloved children.

Keep the childcare!
You're allowed time out for you or a chance to do child free chores!
You always have the option to not send them in if you want to do something with them instead x

I’m not a martyr, the OP literally asked opinions on whether she should take the extra day of childcare. I gave my opinion that I’m equally entitled to. I made no mention of the fact that the OP would be wrong to do it, or that anyone would be wrong to, or that anyone who puts their DC in childcare is a bad parent.

As much as the posters who are saying judge less are right, I note that this is not the same mantra towards the people posting negative perspectives on using the extra day - we’re labelled as martyrs sacrificing our individuality and womanhood for the sake of motherhood.

Well, I’m a happy woman who takes time for herself and relishes time with my DP, friends or time on my own. However, I also love the time I spend with my DC despite how demanding it is and I can see how much they thrive and love having me around. I have actually worked really hard and made a lot of sacrifices to get the setup we currently have, because I feel it’s best.

Why is it so offensive, backwards or anti women to say that? And why is it so offensive to say actually, I do think of you can avoid the really small children being in nursery 5 days a week then I genuinely wholeheartedly believe this would be better for them? Why should I or anyone else be labelled a martyr etc?

Totally agree SilverDoe the OP did ask for opinions. And it’s fine to say no it’s not a great idea to put young children in childcare 5 full days a week if you don’t need to.
It’s certainly not being a martyr to spend your day off with your kids, it’s just being a parent isn’t it?
I think it’s a subject that makes some parents very defensive.

, you prioritise - your wishes over what's best for your children. Once you decide to have them they should come first. They didn't ask to be born to you!

How can you even presume to know what's best for a child you've never met and know nothing about?

I wouldn’t have. Both DH and I (yes, both of us) have managed our work load to ensure that our preschoolers have only attended child care 2-3/days week. It probably depends on your child’s personality. 3 of my 4 like their down time and have been happy pottering round, playing or “helping” with domestic or household jobs. They made friends in their child care and enjoyed the activities but were pleased to come home. One of mine is intensely social and prefers to be around people all the time, full time may have suited her.

I actually dont think I know anyone who uses nursery full time 5 days a week. I did think most people would see avoiding that as desirable if possible.

Personally I know many families who one or both reduce hours or work opposite shifts or somehow work it so a child isnt in fulltime. This seems to be the norm here. Maybe both working 4 days so child only has 3 days in nursery or using Granny (not an option here but lots locally do!) Or a sahp for those first few years and sacrifice the income in order to do so.

On the lower income end of the spectrum many at my children's school work the 16 hours and have the income topped up in order to "be there" while they are under 5 and can increase hours later.

Or if high income family I personally think a nanny is preferable to fulltime childcare as they do then get that bond and higher ratio care rather than just at weekends.

Every family is entirely right to do as they wish and I agree with a poster higher up that if a parent needs the mental health time/break or would rather the day off than be with their child perhaps the extra day is better spent with childcare workers anyway. Similarly there was targetted funding for children to be in childcare where that may be better for them than homelife.

I do think avoiding 5 days in childcare is preferable though given an option.

I don't think I would. I used to have Fridays off with my 2 when they were preschoolers and after 4 days of work and childcare, it was great to have a day with them. It's quieter everywhere so I enjoyed taking them to playgroup parks etc. Lots of my friends had Fridays off so we would meet up.

Personally I think 5 days on childcare is a lot and I'd prioritise having them at home over having a clean house. I know it's tough though - i couldn't get anything done with my kids around! I don't think there's any right or wrong decision, I can only say how I feel about it.

XmasBaby11 what a lovely example of how to offer advice to the OP without judgment. If only there were more like you on MN!

Honestly OP, I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again do what you feel is best for your family. Relishing your own time, wanting to go shopping in your own or even lounge about in your own house is fucking normal.

My kid has ASD and SLD. He’s non verbal and around 2 years behind his peer with limited understanding of verbal commands, social interaction, you name it! When he hit 2-3 and became more active it was Hell. I couldn’t take him anywhere because of his sensory issues and there was only so many times he’d tolerate being in the park. It was constant. Go, go, go and even at night he didn’t sleep for more than 3-4 hours. So I found a specialist unit and paid privately for 4 hour sessions 1:30pm - 5:30pm to help him grow, get him socialised in a controlled environment and let off some of his never ending energy. But as well as all that I needed a break. I needed to be able to clear my head to study or just drop dead on the couch because I COULD. Nothing wrong with that.

I wouldn’t, I loved my days at home with my kids during the week, it’s why I took a financial hit and worked four days. They would soon be in school full time and you’ll never be able to take them out, so enjoy those relaxed days at home with them while you can.

I would probably do the same OP - but pick them up at lunchtime on Friday. That said, I do agree with an earlier poster who commented on the fact that we (collective we) may be raiding a generation who are rarely exposed to the random necessary "chores" of adulthood, and need to be constantly entertained. Certainly when I was a child our weekends were not filled with family activities or any, in fact. My parents worked FT and there was an acceptance that part of the weekend would be spent on food shopping, cleaning, etc. It seems that the pendulum has swung so far the other way that we can't bear the idea that the kids will be bored having to stand in line st the post office. Not sure that's a good thing, to be honest.

A few years ago, when I had 3 under-5s I would have loved the thought of this and had it ever been possible I would have been tempted. But now they are all at school, I realise just how quickly those years went and I'm glad of the extra time I spent with them and wished it could have been more. But you have to do what is right for you and your family.

That said, I do agree with an earlier poster who commented on the fact that we (collective we) may be raiding a generation who are rarely exposed to the random necessary "chores" of adulthood, and need to be constantly entertained.

I think as well is that caregivers have this perception that children need to be constantly stimulated and that parents need to be entertaining and stimulating and if we can’t manage this all the time then we’re doing a terrible job.

Do what you need to do.

My neighbours husband finish work at 12-1 pm ( leave house at 7am) and return home.

The mum doesn't work.

They have a Ds who has just started reception.

The child is put into an after school club every day.

Do I judge? Yes I do because they are a lazy and entitled couple whose elderly parents even look after the child on weekends.

Nothing to do with them suffering any illness or anything:the Mum is always out at the gym / going horse riding etc and same for the Dad. When they are at home in the afternoons the TV is on blaring and Dad
will be outside tinkering with his car and stuff. The Mum will be outside in the garden laughing and talking on her phone.

This is really outing and I feel desperately sorry for their poor child. I really really do.

Could say a lot more that will make you 😳😳😳 but can't on a public forum.

Your situation is completely different and so please do what's right for you and your family and don't feel guilty.