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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put the kids in full time childcare even if I work four days

330 replies

Earlgreyrose · 18/11/2018 14:14

I'm in the process of negotiating a four day week from january.

Nursery offer a discount for full time places which means the price difference is negligible. As such I am considering keeping them in full time nursery and just make it a.shorter day for them. I just feel a bit bad!

OP posts:
BlaaBlaaBlaa · 20/11/2018 14:56

You really need to pay off the sweeping generalisations @sunhill
I've never said my child was an inconvenience. We don't dump him anywhere. He attends a high quality childcare provider we chose carefully. We eat together every evening as a family - not sure what relevance that has in this argument but if you're trying to suggest that just because we use childcare means we have no family values you couldn't be more wrong. Just because we both have careers we didn't want to give up once we had a family doesn't signify a lack of family values either.
Neither DH or I have missed a single stay and play , show or event put on my nursery and we have the flexibility to have late starts, early finishes and days off.

You're still not answering my question though - do you expect the same from men? Should they also be spending every waking moment with their children?

CMOTDibbler · 20/11/2018 14:59

If it doesn't cost more, then book them in and use it as you wish - one to one time, time for you to go to the dr/dentist/optician/hairdresser, not putting them in at all, time for you to do DIY , able to be flexible with work, whatever you need.

When ds was little I could finish at 12 on a Friday, and though I'd pick him up at 3 or 4, those few hours made such a difference in meaning that our time all together at the weekend was actually together

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 20/11/2018 15:00

🤣🤣@sunhill well my research won't write itself.....no doubt you'd disapprove though as I'm working from home and DS is in pre-school. Unsurprisingly, writing and boisterous 4 year olds don't mix.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 20/11/2018 15:05

@rivertam that sounds like a mix of a poor childcare setting and very little structure and discipline at home. You can't attribute behaviour like this solely to children being in full time childcare. There is no evidence to support this and to suggest it is an explanation is disingenuous.

Sunhill4 · 20/11/2018 15:18

I definitely think it's acceptable for a Dad to stay at home. As long as 1 parent is showing an interest in bringing up their children and give them a stable start in life.

RiverTam · 20/11/2018 15:20

no, indeed. I just think that this is an instance where being in full time childcare from a very young age hasn't helped, and in fact sounds like it's part and parcel of a rather cavalier attitude to parenting. But my point is that I'm sure the parents think that they're doing the right thing, their jobs are very important to them and that their DC love it. But (and I'm not the only one) other people's experiences of their DC would suggest otherwise.

PinkSquidgyPig · 20/11/2018 15:26

What PP have said about time to do chores/get a little rest and refreshed for when you are with them.
But I'll add that sending them part time can lead to them less able to build relationships with other children/miss out on things the f/t kids do. I speak from personal experience with my own DD. I sent her 5 days once I realised, but the shortest possible length of time each day. Don't feel guilty. It's a waste of your energies. But do take them out of nursery occasionally on the spare day and do something special together! X

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 20/11/2018 15:27

I didn't ask if you thought it was acceptable for a dad to stay at home @sunhill. I was curious as to whether you piled on the same judgement to men who continue to work full time once they've had children. Would you question why they bothered to have children?

In some families both mum and dad play an equal caring role. It's what works for us and our family.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 20/11/2018 15:28

@sunhill you also need to stop assuming that people who choose to work full time have no interest in their children. It's incorrect and incredibly rude.

JessieMcJessie · 20/11/2018 15:37

Yeah, come on Sunhill answer the question!

RiverTam · 20/11/2018 15:52

Pink that goes on the basis that most kids are full time. Certainly IME that's not the case.

Sunhill4 · 20/11/2018 16:06

Yes i do think both parents are equally responsible but it's you on here arguing with everyone - not him!! I can't help but wonder if i've hit a nerve.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 20/11/2018 16:21

You've still not answered the question! Would you ask a man who works full time why he bothered having children? Would you question his interest in his own children because he goes out to work? I very much doubt it.

I don't need to justify my choices. I also don't ask others to justify the choices they make for their families. There is no judgement here - just support for my fellow parents doing the best they can.

What does hit a nerve is people judging other people - particularly when it's women judging other women and not extending that same judgement to men. Sometimes I can't quite believe it's nearly 2019. It's quite depressing really.

JessieMcJessie · 20/11/2018 16:24

Sunhill
A man has a baby. He continues to work full time. Would you say to him “why on earth did you have children just to hand them to somebody else to bring up?”

Sunhill4 · 20/11/2018 16:33

Yes i would if neither parent was doing the child rearing. How many different ways do you want me to say it??

Bobbybobbins · 20/11/2018 16:34

I wouldn't tbh. I think pre school age children need time away from childcare. Both me and my DH work part time so we can minimise childcare. Our salaries have dropped but we like the balance. Appreciate not everyone has this option and I am not criticising anyone, just stating my opinion.

It's a win win OP as you either get some time to yourself or more time with your kids, so enjoy your four day week! Smile

NotUmbongoUnchained · 20/11/2018 16:36

@sunhill what if the family are low income? Do you really think it’s better to stay at home claiming benefits rather than go to work?

My husband stayed at home with our son, I went back to work at 4 weeks. Apparently that makes me an appalling mother, even though no one would have batted an eyelid if it was him going back to work at 4 weeks.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 20/11/2018 16:48

And how many different ways do people need to tell you that,despite working, we are still raising our children. Just in a different way to you. Different, not worse.

And I'd be very surprised if you questioned a man in the same way. This is an area of research I'm involved in and I'm yet to come across a man who has had his working patterns questioned - women on the other hand..

ethelfleda · 20/11/2018 16:49

I hope the martyrs on here have never had a night out, never gone out for lunch and never worked without their little darlings with them

This comment is ridiculous.

Wanting to spend time with your children does not make you a martyr for god’s sake... I see this all the time on mn! Maybe some people don’t like the idea of putting their children in nursery when they could be spending time with them??

Also - an evening out once children are in bed or a couple of hours away occasionally for a coffee with a friend is not the same as a full day in nursery!

I get time to myself when DS is napping or after he has gone to bed. That’s plenty (including my 2 days at work) I feel like I have a good balance, actually.

DevonshireCreamTea · 20/11/2018 16:52

Sounds dreamy !!

Bumpitybumper · 20/11/2018 17:13

A man has a baby. He continues to work full time. Would you say to him “why on earth did you have children just to hand them to somebody else to bring up?
I hate this kind of argument. We all know why men aren't subject to this level of scrutiny and it's because people assume that childcare is women's work i.e. that someone else is or should be taking care of the issue. Does this mean women should stop questioning our choices in this area OR that parents of both sexes should be encouraged to consider this issue? I would suggest the latter and men should be encouraged to pick up the slack more in this area rather than letting children suffer in unsuitable childcare arrangements in the name of feminism. People have different views on childcare and it hasn't definitively been proven that childcare is or isn't harmful to children and to what extent it should be used. Add to this the fact that children are all different and have different tolerances then it's easy to see why this is so controversial.

There does become a point where a parent's input is so minimal that it can't be sensibly said that they are raising their children themselves. We all make our own judgement on what this is and some people will have a much higher threshold than others. If you choose to outsource the vast majority of childcare on a weekly basis it can't come as a huge shock that people who don't choose to do this judge your decision negatively. It's like SAHMs being shocked that women that are career focussed judge them badly. It's just the way of the world!

MrsJBaptiste · 20/11/2018 17:37

Shit, MN is odd sometimes.

There was a thread the other week where the OP asked if it was awful for her children to be at nursery 5 days a week. 90% of people replied and said yes, was there no was she could reduce her hours, etc. so they could go less as they must be so tired, etc.

Here, 90% of replies are people saying of course you must put your kids in nursery 5 days a week, OP. You must need one day to yourself, you poor thing 😒

RebelWitchFace · 20/11/2018 17:38

We all make our own judgement on what this is and some people will have a much higher threshold than others.

I work but still have a high input in DD 's day to day life. From academics to the social side. However I don't judge parents who don't(much less mothers) because I know I'm fucking lucky to 1.be able to do it with a school hours job and a fairly reasonable employer and 2.afford this job as it pays peanuts.

I don't judge SAHMs(by need or choice) either because again I know I'm lucky to have my particular set of circumstances.

What I do judge is the lack of empathy and imagination that comes with "I don't understand "/ "I can't imagine"... BULLSHIT!

JessieMcJessie · 20/11/2018 17:42

if you choose to outsource the vast majority of childcare on a weekly basis then it shouldn’t come as a surprise that people who don’t choose to do this judge your decision negatively

I don’t agree with this. I have no problem whatsoever in acknowledging that people are all different, children are all different and people make different decisions for their own reasons. I do not waste my time judging others just because they don’t do the same as me. This is basic human courtesy. It certainly DOES surprise me when people don’t display it.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 20/11/2018 17:44

There is absolutely no need for the judgement on any side. Why can't people just accept that people do things differently.

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