To worry about sisters weight?

[upsideup]

My sister is very overweight, to a point it is seriously damaging her health and having a negative impact on her quality of life. She almost definitely has a binge eating disorder, she never stops's eating and her day revolves around food. Her weight is never mentioned by anyone or if it is she is lied to and basically just encouraged to carry on. Everyone around her (including me) is just letting her eat herself to death to avoid hurting her feelings. Whenever I have mentioned anything I am shut down, my weight is still the first topic of conversation in my family as they think its acceptable to talk about and worry because I'm not overweight.

I used to suffer from anorexia, from my preteens until my late 20's I was dangerously underweight. No one ever tiptoed around this or pretended that I didn't have a problem, it was never ignored to avoid upsetting me or hurting my feelings. No one said not to worry if I didn't want to putting on weight, to just ignore the doctors and embrace my body the way it is. I was told my body wasn't attractive and that it was really sad that I had done that to myself not complimented for it. It wasn't dropped because I didn't like hearing it or because I already knew I was underweight and ultimately I was just forced to eat, gain weight and be healthy which I'm now very grateful for.

I really can't understand why my sister is being treated so differently, I don't want to let her down by not giving her the same opportunities and support that I was given.

AIBU to want to do something and to not drop it? Why are we expected to worry about peoples health when they are underweight but not over?

Because we’re not allowed to call people fat in this country and it socially acceptable to be fat now.
In my home country it’s completely socially unacceptable to be fat and as a result has one of the lowest rates of obesity. People aren’t afraid to say “why are you so fat now, what’s going on with you?”. Doctors are also really hot on telling you off for un necessary weight gain and even in pregnancy the weigh gain expectation is a lot lower.
It’s quite an unpopular opinion, but I personally think “fat shaming” or as I call it “honesty” is the best thing.

YANBU to worry.

When you mention it do you offer help with solutions? How over weight is she? Is dieting actually realistic for her or does she require surgical help?

It’s very likely that your family don’t want to comment on her weight because they’re worried about her having the same problems at you.

Commenting on her weight won't help and could make it worse.

Why she is eating to such an excess needs to be combatted. Is she bored, stressed, depressed, afraid of going outside?

Combatting it would work better if she had something else to occupy her. Would she do evening classes (unrelated to food), go out on walks (somewhere nice not near shops) or even play an active computer game like Wii Sports? Non food related distraction is your friend.

It’s quite an unpopular opinion, but I personally think “fat shaming” or as I call it “honesty” is the best thing.

Fat shaming just made it worse for me. Do you think people don't know that they're obese?

I'm fat - not stupid - I don't need your "honesty" thanks.

Racist it’s socially accept to comment on very slim or thin women but absolutely not on overweight or fat women.

It’s a ridiculous state of affairs.

Maybe ask her, in private, if she’s happy, and can you help with anything?

I think it's because often when someone comments on your weight when you're overweight it's in a judgemental and mocking way, rather than from a we're worried about your health perspective.
And you get used to this and then when someone does approach you with genuine worry it's easier to sweep it away as being a social issue rather than a health one.
I'm overweight, not massively so, but I am, and my DM never loses an opportunity to say so, under the guise of 'your health is suffering' but she doesn't offer support, just states that I'm fat, shouldn't be fat, and it'll affect my health. Conversation over.
With any other health issues it's discussed and support offered, so it feels like judgement rather than concern.
If it's truly concern keep trying to speak to your sister, because it's very easy to take it the wrong way.

As an ex-anorexic, I don’t think you’re the best person to talk to her about her eating disorder, sorry. What do your parents say? And how overweight is she?

You think fat people don't know they are judged?! Ok, then....

People don't need to speak it out loud for fat stigma to exist.

Honestly, if you want to talk with your sister in a sympathetic way- go right ahead. She may appreciate the support, she may not want help from you -remember even with the out loud spoken disapproval, you kept up your eating disorder for 15 years or more, and many people have them for a life-time.

If social disapproval and judgement within the family worked, we'd have no obesity and a really easy cure for anorexia/eating disorders. We don't, it's more complicated than that.

Its not socially acceptable to be very fat, but fat people obviously know they are fat and don’t need well-wishers pointing it out to them. I wonder which country referred to upthread where its normal for people to comment on peoplea weight.

Thehop "Racist it’s socially accept to comment on very slim or thin women but absolutely not on overweight or fat women."

What?

Do you honestly think she doesn’t know she’s fat?! She probably also knows she has a problem, but it’s judgemental people like those on this thread that make fat people ashamed of themselves and afraid to tackle the problem. I’m fat, I know I’m fat, I know I need to do something about it. Someone fat shaming me or mocking my weight isn’t going to help that, I’ve heard it often enough in my life. Equally a lot of people who come across as concerned sound patronising. Like I somehow couldn’t possibly know that I have a problem because obviously fat people are also incredibly thick that they couldn’t possibly realise what they’ve done to themselves.

I would imagine that she knows how big she is, she knows how it is impacting on her life (it is hers after all) and she knows she has a problem with food. You can’t make her want to lose the weight just like people couldn’t have made you want to put it on. Yes they were insistent about it, but if you’d been very determined not to eat or put the weight on then you’d have found a way around that. She has to want to lose the weight and I suspect being repeatedly told how horribly fat and unattractive she is isn’t going to make her want to any more than it makes me want to.

What sort of weight/size is she?

Does she have a partner? If so, does he/she think she has a problem?

Ultimately it is up to your sister to do something about her weight if she wishes. No one can force her to do anything about it if she doesn't want to, presuming she has mental capacity around this issue (nothing you have written suggests that she doesn't). This is where the issue differs from anorexia, as in that situation, people can be sectioned for refusing treatment, under certain circumstances and as a last resort.

I think it is not the same thing, even though it should be. Anorexics or underweight people are not typically mocked or discriminated against like overweight people can be. Anorexics receive help and support whereas overweight people are mocked and called lazy.

Your sister, unless she has learning difficulties, is well aware that she is overweight and would be well aware of it impacting her life. She does not need it pointing out. She will only deal with it, when she wants to, not when you want her to.

Yanbu to worry about your sisters weight and health but she has to come to the conclusion herself. Anything said by you or anyone else will just be seen as judgmental and hurtful. It won't stop her overeating sadly.

How big is she?

Jesus I’m so sorry about my typo above. I’d commented on the fancy dress post about a question and it mixed in here somehow. I meant to type because.

I’m so sorry.

personally think “fat shaming” or as I call it “honesty” is the best thing

Ah so you think the person doesn't know they are fat then? Exactly how do you think your "honesty" will help?

People are more likely to comment and worry about anorexia, because of the more immediate life-threatening nature of the illness. Sufferers can and do starve themselves to death (20% from what I've read).

Obesity doesn't work like that. It's a big health risk (I know that, as I'm obese, though I'm a yo-yo dieter and have lost weight too quickly in the past, and developed an eating disorder last year.) it leads to health risks, like diabetes and, obviously, can lead to cancer. But the risk isn't so obvious to those around us and is usually much more gradual.

The fact is that neither of you have grown up with a healthy attitude to food, and it might be an idea to explore the reason why?

How fat is fat, in your sister's case?
Just wondering if you're overly sensitive to it, coming from the viewpoint of a recovering anorexic.
Either way, somewhere along the line, you've both absorbed some unhealthy views about diet and eating, albeit having manifested itself in weight at opposite ends of the spectrum.

What could you do though? Making her feel shit isn’t going to do anything to stop her is it? Surely as an ex sufferer you know it’s far more complex than that?

“BeardedMum

Its not socially acceptable to be very fat, but fat people obviously know they are fat and don’t need well-wishers pointing it out to them. I wonder which country referred to upthread where its normal for people to comment on peoplea weight.”

I’m guessing that poster is Indian

It's her body, her weight, her decision. If she isn't bothered, then you worrying about it isn't going to make the slightest difference. Hopefully she won't get diabetes but if she does, maybe that'll be the wake-up call she needs!

I think we need some more information OP, how old is your sister? Does she have a mental health issue? Does she lives alone or have her own family? Who do you think is "encouraging" her and yes we do need to get this in perspective, is she 12 stone or 30 stone?

It is a hard one, but she needs honesty and encouragement.

May I ask OP was your anorexia fueled by your DSIS weight. My sister growing up was very heavy, I am slim and suffered from anorexia. Somewhere in my mind I really did not want to be like my sister so went the oppisite way. My DSIS is now 9.5 the past 3 years thanks to the help of slimming world. She looks so much younger and better. She gets lots of people compliment and other criticise her new weight. She feels so much happier. Her DD is 16 and probably 16 stone, she won't stop eating it is awful cycle. I hope your DSIS can be helped.

If course someone knows they’re overweight. But people feel “fat shamed” when it’s pointed out that ita dengerous and unhealthy. It’s not fat shaming. It’s honesty.