To worry about sisters weight?

[upsideup]

My sister is very overweight, to a point it is seriously damaging her health and having a negative impact on her quality of life. She almost definitely has a binge eating disorder, she never stops's eating and her day revolves around food. Her weight is never mentioned by anyone or if it is she is lied to and basically just encouraged to carry on. Everyone around her (including me) is just letting her eat herself to death to avoid hurting her feelings. Whenever I have mentioned anything I am shut down, my weight is still the first topic of conversation in my family as they think its acceptable to talk about and worry because I'm not overweight.

I used to suffer from anorexia, from my preteens until my late 20's I was dangerously underweight. No one ever tiptoed around this or pretended that I didn't have a problem, it was never ignored to avoid upsetting me or hurting my feelings. No one said not to worry if I didn't want to putting on weight, to just ignore the doctors and embrace my body the way it is. I was told my body wasn't attractive and that it was really sad that I had done that to myself not complimented for it. It wasn't dropped because I didn't like hearing it or because I already knew I was underweight and ultimately I was just forced to eat, gain weight and be healthy which I'm now very grateful for.

I really can't understand why my sister is being treated so differently, I don't want to let her down by not giving her the same opportunities and support that I was given.

AIBU to want to do something and to not drop it? Why are we expected to worry about peoples health when they are underweight but not over?

She's 47. She hasnt told me what size she is or how much she weighs and I'm not going to ask that. She is definately very overweight, as I said in my OP to a point it is damaging her health and is lowering her quality of life.
I do feel some responsability, she's 8 years older than me and we didnt live together through my anorexia but obviously it would have affected the body image and relationship with food of everyone around me. I've tried to talk to her about the impact it had on her but its turned into my issues.
I feel our mum played a big part in both of our messed up relationships with food but as I am NC with her and my sister is still close to her its not really something I would gain anything by mentioning. She always used food as a way to punish and reward us
and I felt saw me as the daughter who should be seen and not heard and my sister as the one who should be heard but hidden.

The difference is that I was a victim of SA and my self esteem was at zero. I also went through a pregnancy at 13 that my DM didn't spot. (Nor did anyone else until I unexpectedly went into labour at the convent school I went to.) My baby died soon after birth and I'm infertile, though I have 2 adopted DDs whom I adore.

Perhaps if she hadn't been so obsessed with seeing me as being greedy she might have spotted what was actually going on.

Sorry, cross-posted with you, OP. Clearly, in your case, like in mine, it's a lot more complicated than what we eat and how much we weigh.

I think someone needs to speak to your sister, but not just about her weight. There's a lot more going on that needs to be dealt with.

I've tried mentioning binge eating disorder to start and given her infomation and contact details if she wants to research or discuss that but thats when I'm shut down.
I think that I would have told you to f-off too. Even if you didn't mean it, it sounds very patronising. Do you spend actual quality time with your sister or is it a case of see her once in a while and then start commenting on her weight?

Oh Lizzie how awful. I am sorry you were treated so cruel.
Everyone with an addiction has a story or a reason. People need proper support.
I know bein heavy can be unhealthy but surely been happy is what is important.

Anorexics typically have body dysmorphia, that is, they perceive themselves as fat even when they are dangerously underweight.

Fat people do not typically perceive themselves as thin. Typically they know they are fat and do not need other people telling them either that they are fat or that this is bad for their health because they already know both these things.

Does this help you realise why they need different kinds of help, OP?

Anorexics typically have body dysmorphia, that is, they perceive themselves as fat even when they are dangerously underweight
I strongly disagree with that, I still attend anorexia support group to support younger women, As I was a suffer myself. Anorexia is about control, weight loss may trigger it, it is not the cause at all.
Most Anorexia sufferers see themselves as thin. A self harm self control feeling, even if it is slowly killing them.
I would go so far in saying, An anorexic like a morbidly obese has been hurt by someone, or is suffering some way inside.

I think one of the issues with trying to help a person who is suffering obesity is that it’s actually also a physiological problem as well as a mental health problem and also you may find that the mental health problem improves when quality of diet does. This is something that is rarely talked about but nutrition has a direct effect on the brain and can cause/worsen depression with of course all the issues of body image/low self esteem that often come with obesity mixed in. There’s a lot of research out there about the effects of sugar and gluten on the brain if you search it up. The bottom line is if you’re obese you’re not greedy, you’re not disgusting, you’re not hopeless you just perhaps have not been given all the facts. Obesity is so much more complicated that CICO. Perhaps if you look into the science behind obesity and get some facts you can help your sister that way because when you approach obesity from a purely physiological direction it begins to make more sense as to why it has happened in the first place and makes solving the problem less insurmountable. It also removes any judgement from the issue. I think that it’s a really great thing to do for your sis—yes she will be aware that she is obese but she may be maintaining a sense of denial because it feels like such a mountain to climb. Encouraging her to look into metabolic syndrome might be a good way to help her understand that there are things she could be doing to improve her health and these things are achievable. There’s no need for it to become a moral issue—just think of it as she has a health problem now how can we tackle it.

*person

"Anorexics typically have body dysmorphia, that is, they perceive themselves as fat even when they are dangerously underweight

I strongly disagree with that"

I disagree too. Anorexics try to hide how thin they are, wear baggy clothes, etc. because they know very well that they are too thin and that other people disapprove, but they want to be very thin.

Anyone with an ED needs help, ignoring it because she quite possibly has binge ED instead of anorexia nervosa is doing her no favours.

I love MN sometimes, so many experts. Body dysmorphia/distorted self image is a key diagnostic criteria for Anorexia Nervosa. The “disturbance” in the way people view themselves is one of the reasons why the mortality rate is so high.

Many people with anorexia wear baggy clothes because nothing fits them and/or they’re hideously uncomfortable in their own skin and want to hide.

Speaking as someone who is in my first year of anorexia recovery myself, trust me it doesn't ever go down well pointing out that someone is overweight.
My SD is very overweight at age 10 and is struggling to now fit into adults size 12 clothes. I have tried so many times to advise my partner on how to deal with it and what we can do to help her but I get shot down with "your anorexia is speaking" or "you had an eating disorder of course you panic about people being fat". When really I am just concerned for her health and well-being.

It's lovely of you to want to help your sister but I can't see it going down well. As people who have recovered from eating disorders like ourselves of course we aren't allowed an opinion on anyone else being overweight 🙄
I would just stay out of it now like I have had to resort to doing. Otherwise you end up the bad guy.

Anorexics typically have body dysmorphia, that is, they perceive themselves as fat even when they are dangerously underweight

Strongly disagree. Do your research in future.
I was anorexic for 15 years and not once did I think I was fat during that time. I knew I was a bag of bones, I was ill not blind. It was a compulsion.
Anorexia refers to being dangerously underweight I.e when your weight drops below a bmi of 15. You don't have to think you are fat to starve yourself.
In my case it was a form of self harm and abusing my body to punish myself NOT to lose weight.

was also a case of self harm in my case too, when I suffered with anorexia. I have never been over 8 stone in my 38 years. I recon the pps who had it, are near an expert and most have said it was not dismorphia but self control and self harm.

I love MN sometimes, so many experts. grin Body dysmorphia/distorted self image is a key diagnostic criteria for Anorexia Nervosa
Wrong again, they are hiding their secret. There are plenty of size 4to6 clothes and childrens sizes too, anorexia is all about the secret of control.

I think it's very sad that when it's drugs, smoking, alcohol addiction that is clearly damaging someone the advice is alway to gently try to help.

When it's food it's no, don't mention it they know, you can't help. It's this sensitivity that's ultimately helping kill people. And yes the U.K. is at the extreme edge of you must never mention it, and conversely one of the countries with the highest obesity epidemic.

Op, only you know your sister. Will she be open to this discussion with you? A great many people don't want anyone to ever mention it, even close family members.

Bluntness100 I posted about heavy smoker MIL once several years ago - DH was worried she was smiking ever more heavily, partly to control her appetite, partly socially as then SIL would go to her to chat and smoke. He wanted us to buy her vaping equipment. Was told to butt out, her choice, and - ironically - the "would you mention it if she were overweight? Of course not! Smoking is just the same, she knows the risks, it's not easy to stop, it's up to her" arguments were repeated by multiple people. Not one person said it was a good idea to talk to her.

With drugs and alcohol the advice on threads also seems to be you can't save an addict, they have to do it of their own accord.

Lizzie48I m sorry you had those awful experiences. I feel ashamed that I did have a lovely family and friends but started dieting after a swimming lesson when a girl told me I was fat at ten stone. I put my parents through hell at the time and thank God neither of my dc have food issues.
If OP is going to try to talk to her sister I think she should be prepared not to be listened to.
I m a normal weight now but dsis is 41 and it's affecting her health. Still nobody mentions it.