To worry about sisters weight?

[upsideup]

My sister is very overweight, to a point it is seriously damaging her health and having a negative impact on her quality of life. She almost definitely has a binge eating disorder, she never stops's eating and her day revolves around food. Her weight is never mentioned by anyone or if it is she is lied to and basically just encouraged to carry on. Everyone around her (including me) is just letting her eat herself to death to avoid hurting her feelings. Whenever I have mentioned anything I am shut down, my weight is still the first topic of conversation in my family as they think its acceptable to talk about and worry because I'm not overweight.

I used to suffer from anorexia, from my preteens until my late 20's I was dangerously underweight. No one ever tiptoed around this or pretended that I didn't have a problem, it was never ignored to avoid upsetting me or hurting my feelings. No one said not to worry if I didn't want to putting on weight, to just ignore the doctors and embrace my body the way it is. I was told my body wasn't attractive and that it was really sad that I had done that to myself not complimented for it. It wasn't dropped because I didn't like hearing it or because I already knew I was underweight and ultimately I was just forced to eat, gain weight and be healthy which I'm now very grateful for.

I really can't understand why my sister is being treated so differently, I don't want to let her down by not giving her the same opportunities and support that I was given.

AIBU to want to do something and to not drop it? Why are we expected to worry about peoples health when they are underweight but not over?

She definately knows she overweight but I don't think she accepts how overweight she is and can't do anythings about it anymore.
I've never spoken to an underweight anorexic who doesnt understand that they are underweight but yet we still didnt just eat more and gain weight.

Lots of Eastern European and other countries are very open and honest about peoples weight.

Yeah and they tend to be massive dicks about it. All in the name of honesty of course.

OP I have seen this exact scenario in my wider family. One sister had history of anorexia, other is very overweight. The real reason I don't say anything is that there was help for the sister with anorexia through the NHS. There is nothing available for the other sister. So what is the point of saying anything when there is NO help there to help her with her eating disorder?

Telling someone at a 7 pound gain is much kinder than letting them get to a 5 stone weight gain

'Telling', 'letting'? These are adults you're talking about, they're likely to be well aware of what they weigh already, and someone else's weight is actually no business of anyone else's, which is something a lot of people today seem to have forgotten.

OP I wouldn't say anything. YANBU to worry, of course not, but it's likely to be a sore point with her anyway, and a conversation would probably just leave her feeling like shit without necessarily changing anything.

And going to a slimming club does not help someone with this kind of eating disorder.

Oh for gods sake emerald do you have no idea about binge eating or morbid obesity?

The chances are, without bariatric surgery, OPs sister will never get better. And even that only has a decent chance, not a guarantee, of working.

It’s not about going to the gym once a week or finding a new interest the only thing OP could really do is speak to her sister about exploring medical options and encourage/ support her to go ahead with this. Get another interest indeed. With an aunt like you who needs enemies?

Thing is - eating disorder services give priority to underweight anorexia patients. There is no provision for binge eating sufferers

Much easier to not get fat in the first place than to get very fat and then have to lose it all.

I agree

This is why weight gain and weight loss has never been a taboo subject in my family. It's a completely normal part of life and as such, no-one has any problem discussing it.

It's no different to openly discussing any other potential health issue.

If you can say to someone in the early stages of weight gain “oh, I’ve noticed you’re getting a bit fatter. Why is this? Are you ok?” It’s much easier for them to go “oh shit yeah I’ve put on a few pounds, I’ve been depressed. Won’t take me long to lose.

Telling someone at a 7 pound gain is much kinder than letting them get to a 5 stone weight gain where losing the weight can just seem like too much and the motivation is so much harder.

Or you might just irritate them further - I know when I have put on weight and people "kindly" pointing it out would be counter-productive. If I bring the subject up myself, then that's different.

Very touchy topic- could you speak with her very kindly about it. I have a friend for whom I have similar worries, but she is very aware of her issue.

"It’s quite an unpopular opinion, but I personally think “fat shaming” or as I call it “honesty” is the best thing."

No. Shaming just makes someone feel worse and when you feel shit you eat. It is fine to talk to someone kindly. But ridiculing, judging and shaming, pinning someone's worth on their weight-- this is what has lead to us being unable to address it at all.

"These are adults you're talking about, they're likely to be well aware of what they weigh already, "

No, they really might not be aware of a 7 pound gain! Lots of people don't weight themselves regularly. They just say things like 'these trousers must have shrunk in the wash' or 'they were always on the tight side' and shop in places where the same size is actually bigger.

FFS this is not about gaining weight. It is about an eating disorder. You don't cure that by telling someone they are fat and need to lose weight. Just as you don't cure anorexia by telling someone they are too thin and need to eat more. People with eating disorders need specialist treatment. People with over eating disorders do not get it. Just stupid people telling them to eat less and move more.

But you know that’s your own issue and that is an irrational way to think.

Caprisunisorange sorry no of course it won't, that comment was more in the eider sense of the obesity problem. Of course nobody should be told they are fat, I said that up thread in an earlier comment that morbidly obese people may realise they are fat but maybe they need to be approached from an eating disorder perspective and offered help not told they are fat, which they clearly already know

I am fat and have been fatter. I have lost 5 stone this year. I have about the same again to loose. I don't need someone to tell me I'm fat. I know I am. What helped me was people that were there for me. Helping me with practical ideas and help. Things like me and my mum now go for a walk every Sunday. We don't eat out anywhere near as often as we used to. Me and my sister now go clothes shopping together as things from the same shops fit us both. Have a think about practical changes you could help her make. Don't just tell her he's fat. I can guarantee she already knows.

I’ll tell you what, if I put on 7lbs and someone else was aware of it I’d not only be gobsmacked they noticed, I’d think them possibly the nosiest and most interfering person on the planet.

Tbf, I am average height for a woman. Is suspect it may noticable if you were 4ft 11

The AIBU title is whether the OP is right to be worried and the answer is that she's not being at all U to worry, her sister's attitude to food isn't at all healthy, and no one on here would dispute that.

What we've been saying that just telling he's sister she's obese won't cut it, it will very likely only make the problem worse.

I put on 10 pounds last year. Mr brother said to me “Why are you getting fat, what’s happening with you?”

It was that question that actually made me stop and think, actually, I’m really depressed. And when I’m depressed I eat. Luckily he had stopped to ask me, I told him, and he got me the help I needed.
If we all did this for our friends and family I do believe there would be a lot less un happy people. And there be a lot less shame surrounding it because it will ok to talk about and acknowledge.

I don't agree that very overweight people know exactly how overweight they are, I think significant number of them have a very distorted view of their size.

It is a subject that needs more awareness, treatment and discussion and it shouldn't be shut down on the basis that talking about it and addressing is is somehow "fat shaming".

Caprisunorange I am right with you. If someone pointed out I’d put on half a stone and suggested I do something about it I’d be inclined to tell them to fuck right off.

I know I’m 😳 I’ve actually put on 7lbs in the last 2 months (pregnant) and all my clothes fit and the only thing I need to conceal is the actual bump. I don’t look any different. I can’t get over the idea that you’d notice and approach your friend / family about it.

NotUmbongoUnchained what help did your brother get you?

How do adults go about getting other competent adults this kind of help?

We don’t need to take 7 pounds literally

I mean like when you start to visually notice weight gain. 7 pounds on my is noticeable because I have the body frame of a small child

He forced me to go the doctors, came with me, supported me, phoned me everyday to talk and see how I was, came over to see me more etc.

Just anything a normal living member of a family would do surely?

I know reminding her she's fat, suggesting diets or exersize routines isnt going to help her.
I think encouraging her to talk about about her weight and relationship with food and looking into treatment for BED might but I can't get to that point with her and don't know how far I should push it.