To worry about sisters weight?

[upsideup]

My sister is very overweight, to a point it is seriously damaging her health and having a negative impact on her quality of life. She almost definitely has a binge eating disorder, she never stops's eating and her day revolves around food. Her weight is never mentioned by anyone or if it is she is lied to and basically just encouraged to carry on. Everyone around her (including me) is just letting her eat herself to death to avoid hurting her feelings. Whenever I have mentioned anything I am shut down, my weight is still the first topic of conversation in my family as they think its acceptable to talk about and worry because I'm not overweight.

I used to suffer from anorexia, from my preteens until my late 20's I was dangerously underweight. No one ever tiptoed around this or pretended that I didn't have a problem, it was never ignored to avoid upsetting me or hurting my feelings. No one said not to worry if I didn't want to putting on weight, to just ignore the doctors and embrace my body the way it is. I was told my body wasn't attractive and that it was really sad that I had done that to myself not complimented for it. It wasn't dropped because I didn't like hearing it or because I already knew I was underweight and ultimately I was just forced to eat, gain weight and be healthy which I'm now very grateful for.

I really can't understand why my sister is being treated so differently, I don't want to let her down by not giving her the same opportunities and support that I was given.

AIBU to want to do something and to not drop it? Why are we expected to worry about peoples health when they are underweight but not over?

"I put on 10 pounds last year. Mr brother said to me “Why are you getting fat, what’s happening with you?”

It was that question that actually made me stop and think, actually, I’m really depressed. And when I’m depressed I eat."

When my brother put on weight I just asked him if he was aware of it. He said he was, so I obviously didn't mention it again. But I think I was right to check. Men tend to not be as sensitive about it as women are and I was obviously concerned that he hadn't noticed and that it would get worse.
I'm not sure I'd ask a woman though. It is really taboo unfortuntately.

Surely the Op's sister will " feel like shit" because she can't walk around without getting out of breath, feel tired a lot of the time and not be able to use her body.
Same as being a smoker will always have the worry of lung cancer etc. Alcoholics will feel shit waking up in the morning.
Why is everybody making a big fuss about " mental health" and then not really take it seriously because it's presenting as being fat.

if they have seen you suffer im sure lots has to do with being bloody scared she will go the way you did.rightly or wrongly if you had anoerixai im sure they were scared you were going to die if you carried on.so they might feel stuck.
shaming wont help.just like you went one way she has gone the other.it is still an eating disorder(if this is what she has) its still just as scary and horrible to deal with.
how did you recover.could some of your tools help her.
and it isn't easy to talk bout anoerixa and underweight rather than over!god have you seen the devasating stats on people without help for anorexia treatment or treatment of any eating disorder.its shocking.
id actually say there is way more out there on overweight than there is on underweight.its all over the bloody place being shoved in our faces on how to be healthy or NEVER be overweight.the government putting this shit regime in place and that shit regime in place to stop obesity.where as for people who are under.....nothing.
she needs love and help.you all need to give that.but it sounds like you have little symptahty which confuses me as you suffered yourself.if she has gine eating disorder that mean the food is the symptom and the problem is not food but her emotional health...so that is where you need to put some focus into.

NotUmbongoUnchained it's not normal for a brother to force his competent adult sister to go to the doctor and go with her, no. Were you seeing the doctor for help with depression or weight?

she needs if she is struggling with and ed.to feel and gain trust and support in people.she needs to think she is worthy of getting help and to reach out.she needs to be reassured in something other than her weight to feel there is more out there and to get trust that she can be helped.
pushing her weight in her face is highlighting her shame and fears.

It should be.

I was not competent though was I? I was depressed and harming my body. If my brother was doing the same I would do the same.

I think a lot of it may be cultural difference. English have the stuff upper lip thing, get on with it attitude.

Oh for gods sake emerald do you have no idea about binge eating or morbid obesity I do not have experience of it. I do not have a huge appetite I have 2 meals and 2 snacks a day, no car so walk lots.
I do know obesity is from over eating and emotional issues, searching for satisfaction. Unless medical treatment causes weight gain. My DSIS was 23 stone, she was happy in her everyday life, until a wedding or party invite when she had to go. She lost 14 stone, Yes some skin is loose but she doesn't care and neither do we.
We all need to be more honest for the future generations. I hate to see a fat school age child. The one girl who was big in my class in the 80s is now morbidly obese now, her DC are too.

14st lose with SW.

I don’t have any experience of obesity either. It’s jusst about empathy surely?

Your sister is one of a tiny % of people who achieve long term success with diet plans. It’s an amazing achievement, but not realistic for most.

I've been fat shamed all my life, it just made me eat my feelings.

It's only now I'm older, I'm really thinking about I eat, and trying to get a grip on the binge eating.

I'm fat, dont want to be fat, so I'm trying to make slow, sustainable changes. So let me get on with it.

Making this changes, means my DD is healthy in the long run. At 11, she the right weight for height.

As an ex-anorexic, I don’t think you’re the best person to talk to her about her eating disorder, sorry

Agree with this

As an ex-anorexic, I don’t think you’re the best person to talk to her about her eating disorder, sorry

I agree with this as well but nobody else is talking to her about it so what am I supposed to do?
I do think having experiance with anorexia has advantages with trying to talk about ED's and their treatment though, I don't think many other people around her including her think of what she has as being an eating disorder.

You might actually be a good person to talk to her about it. You’re on opposite ends of the spectrum but you’re still both on it.

Usually only people who suffer with mental health issues can truly understand another who is suffering with mental issues.

Surely the point that the majority of people on the thread have missed is that its nothing to do with obesity or dieting. Its to do with the fact that OP suspects those things are symptoms of an illness and she is pointing out that it was seemingly acceptable for her family to all have an opinion on her illness (anorexia) but because of the fear of fat shaming no-one will broach the subject or offer the support she needs to get better. And as having sister OP wants to do this. Not so her sister can fit in a pair of size 8 skinny jeans but so her sister is healthy and can enjoy life. Hell yeah I'd broach it.

And overweight people on mumsnet are so bloody defensive. If you want to be unhealthy, less attractive and less able to enjoy life you crack on, but if you strive to be a slimmer more healthy person then quit with the excuses and do something about it before it's too late.

But what is the point in talking to her if there is no real help available? You just make her feel shit for no purpose.

Desmond You have no bloody idea what you are talking about.

I don’t have any experience of obesity either. It’s jusst about empathy surely?
I am sorry if I came across as lacking empathy. I meant it should be OK to discuss with family members in a concerned supportive way.
I do know my DSIS done really well, and we are very proud of her, but would just as proud of her if she didn't lose weight, She is an amazing person and always was big or small.
I get it and empathise.

I have the kindest sweetest, most beautiful SIL. She is very obese and she hides away from the world. When I see her she always makes a dig about her weight. I would love her to have the stenght to face the world as she is.
If I ever hear anyone fat shame or make a fat joke in my company I always pull them up on their attitude.

Fat shaming won't work. Being empathetic and compassionate might.

can you encourage her to have psychotherapy? That is not fat shaming fgs. I work with an obese woman, only in her 20s and she seems so vulnerable, I'd love to see her go for psychotherapy. She has no resilience at all. Takes days off all the time and the boss is tutting her and eye rolling her. Her father abandoned her and now blanks her on the street. She has a weird relationship with her mother and they fight and make up like a volatile couple but I'd never say anything. If she were my sister I would not be able to say nothing.

OP, I think your own ED equips you better than most to raise the subject with her. You could draw the parallel and ask her what she feels the legacy of your parents' parenting on her was. Not to blame your parents per se but just to 'dig' a bit. Open up the dialogue.

It's not fat shaming to mention to someone close that you're worried about how big they are for health reasons.
Not saying anything adds to the person ignoring or not seeing the problem.
It's got ridiculous that we aren't allowed to show concern for someone because they are fat.
Fat has been normalised and it's got to the point that people are even selling the notion that you can be overweight and healthy.

Perhaps showing concern would actually make her feel loved and cared for.

Perhaps showing concern would actually make her feel loved and cared for

I agree, that is a really good point. When I suffered with anorexia in my teens, I was glad when my Mam spoke about it. I was under 6stone before she did. I did feel loved and safe. Anorexia is punishment and for someone to say, I will help you feels good.

YANBU to worry.

I can understand how you feel having been through treatment for an ED yourself, and identifying a potential ED in your sister.

I wonder - if you can think back to when you were in the throes of anorexia - what would have helped you before you were ready to seek treatment? Because you know your sister will have to come to a decision in her own time. You have given her information about BED, and resources that she can access. I think now all you can do is provide emotional support without reference to weight/food, until such time as she is ready to accept there is a problem.

As I expect you can tell from my username, I am someone who has battled binge eating disorder for most of my life. I am now in my mid to late 30s and only recently have been ready to do something about it.

I am 23 stone and suffer with PCOS and sleep apnea so my health is definitely suffering. I used to be almost 25 stone and then I discovered Overeaters Anonymous. I have not found the compulsion to eat has gone away but I am finding I am bingeing a lot less and also skipping meals to compensate a lot less. I now feel the importance of taking care of myself.

I grew up in an emotionally and verbally abusive home with occasional physical abuse. I remember from an early age feeling a need to eat to fill a hole, to cope with anxiety and also shame. I suffered sexual abuse and bullying from outside of my home and had a very confused sense of who I was and denied a lot of my feelings. I am now having trauma based therapy for CPTSD and BPD/EUPD issues as well as overeating.

I used to think at first that my issues were too complex for something like OA. Yet dieting was not working. I came into OA expecting a bunch of "culty" types but nothing has been further from the truth.

You do not need to be religious to join OA- we have agnostics and atheists too. It is a spiritual and not religious programme. I was able to find a sponsor to work with me one on one via telephone meetings. I have abusy life but my sponsor is very flexible and fits round that and I have found a weekly fellowship which meets not too far from my home.

I did try medication but it did eff all for me. I did also try the mental health services but they had no BED services near me. For a while I went to BEAT support group and it was helpful to feel less alone but I knew I needed some structured and intensive help. I check in with my sponsor daily about how I feel and my food.

It is worth a try.

As regards fast shaming and stigma, well, I live in the UK and have faced a lot of stigma- Kids ont he streets called me names and threw food at me, adults close to me and also strangers would make very nasty comments. My father constantly told me how fat and ugly I was. It di dnot help, only made me more determined to hide what I was doing.

I think fat shaming is a bit like racism or homophobia- if you are not gay or minority ethnic you may think it does not exist because you most likely have less experience of it, because it may affect you less personally. Likewise, many of those who say "in the UK being fat is socially acceptable" are IME nearly always people who have never been fat or had any kind of eating disorder.

Desmond You have no bloody idea what you are talking about.

I think most of her points were spot on.