To worry about sisters weight?

[upsideup]

My sister is very overweight, to a point it is seriously damaging her health and having a negative impact on her quality of life. She almost definitely has a binge eating disorder, she never stops's eating and her day revolves around food. Her weight is never mentioned by anyone or if it is she is lied to and basically just encouraged to carry on. Everyone around her (including me) is just letting her eat herself to death to avoid hurting her feelings. Whenever I have mentioned anything I am shut down, my weight is still the first topic of conversation in my family as they think its acceptable to talk about and worry because I'm not overweight.

I used to suffer from anorexia, from my preteens until my late 20's I was dangerously underweight. No one ever tiptoed around this or pretended that I didn't have a problem, it was never ignored to avoid upsetting me or hurting my feelings. No one said not to worry if I didn't want to putting on weight, to just ignore the doctors and embrace my body the way it is. I was told my body wasn't attractive and that it was really sad that I had done that to myself not complimented for it. It wasn't dropped because I didn't like hearing it or because I already knew I was underweight and ultimately I was just forced to eat, gain weight and be healthy which I'm now very grateful for.

I really can't understand why my sister is being treated so differently, I don't want to let her down by not giving her the same opportunities and support that I was given.

AIBU to want to do something and to not drop it? Why are we expected to worry about peoples health when they are underweight but not over?

Oh and I know 23 stone down from 25 stone sounds like very little, but I am continuing to lose. When I first entered OA I worked very hard at the programme and I went from size 28 to 30 down to size 26. I cut out refined sugars and felt the healthiest I had ever been in my life.

I did get a bit complacent with the programme which saw me relapse badly so I gained much of the weight back and started craving and bingeing on sugary foods and foods generally again. One day I decided enough is enough and started working hard at the steps again and got myself into seeing a private trauma therapist as I would find myself sabotaging due to shame and fear. Some episodes with the CPTSD and EUPD/BPD which put me in hospital made me realise I needed some extra help to uncover the knots of why I hated myself so much. This shame had made it hard for me to talk to my sponsor about things or ask for help from my fellows in OA and I became afraid of speaking to people again (a problem I had for a while already but had started to improve). I realised that without other people I could not do this alone.

2 stone is a huge amount to lose well done!

You can't have a sympathetic /empathetic conversation with someone in this scenario without mentioning their weight. It's not fat shaming done in the right way.

I think lots of obese people don't get the support they need because others are too afraid to mention it. We all know losing weight is very difficult.

FFS this is not about gaining weight. It is about an eating disorder. You don't cure that by telling someone they are fat and need to lose weight. Just as you don't cure anorexia by telling someone they are too thin and need to eat more. People with eating disorders need specialist treatment. People with over eating disorders do not get it. Just stupid people telling them to eat less and move more.

This

And overweight people on mumsnet are so bloody defensive. If you want to be unhealthy, less attractive and less able to enjoy life you crack on, but if you strive to be a slimmer more healthy person then quit with the excuses and do something about it before it's too late.

Desmond you really are ignorant but do try not to show it

NotUmBongoUnchained

Thanks. I hope one day to be a healthy weight, but even more importantly for me, to have a healthy mindset around feelings and food.

I don’t agree with ‘fat shaming’ or telling someone your opinion of them in anyway usually. It’s all just opinion / judgement.

BUT

If a sibling of mine had an addiction that was threatening their life / worrying me like drugs or alcohol, sunbed use, smoking I’d be speaking with them so I’d put this in that category and speak to her I think. I don’t think I’d mention anything about ‘fat’ more like eating disorder, depression, can I help you, how? That sort of thing. Basically letting her know that you know how it feels to have an issue with food and so you’re worried about her. Good luck to you all 💐

helpmum Nothing wrong with mentionign their weight but the emphasis needs to be on why they are eating more and getting bigger. It needs to be done gently in a "I noticed you have gained some weight- are you OK/We care/We have got your back"

In other words, imagine this was your child showing symptoms of binge eating and gaining weight. Treat them gently.

Fat shaming hasn't stopped overweight/obesity rates of 60% in Russia. In lots of Eastern European countries, there's a huge pressure to be thin and marriageable, and it kind of goes a bit wrong after that (see Greece, Med countries as well where they have higher rates of obesity in children than the UK):

themoscowtimes.com/news/russia-obesity-rate-up-almost-50-in-5-years-health-ministry-61355

There is a surplus of shit food, which isn't very nutritious (e.g. a chicken now is much more fat and sugary water than in the past) and an obesogenic environment, and that's international and affected most places. You can't even shame French men and women into not being fat, their rate is lower than the UK but still high for supposedly intolerant countries where fat people don't exist...

NotUmbongoUnchained I think that is brilliant what your brother did. An excellent approach. I really do not understand why some people on here are having issue with it?

I much prefer your brother's approach to the "you disgust me, no one will want you" approach my father took with me.

and overweight people on mumsnet are so bloody defensive

Try being told you are disgusting by your own dad
Try being unable to leave your home without being called a fat cow and screamed at by strangers
Try needing a disabled seat on public transport because you have a neurolgical disorder affecting your movement and being disbelieved and told "no, it is just because you are fat. why should I give up my seat to you and not a genuine handicapped person"
Try having food thrown at you
Try having a skinny weight obsessed sister who constantly polices your food portions
Try having a doctor refuse to do scans on you for cysts on your ovaries which are killing you because "you are fat and it won't show up on the scan"

Go through all that and then see how defensive you would be.

And overweight people on mumsnet are so bloody defensive. If you want to be unhealthy, less attractive and less able to enjoy life you crack on, but if you strive to be a slimmer more healthy person then quit with the excuses and do something about it before it's too late.

ODFOD with comments like that and I'm not even overweight.

there is a difference between obesity and BED though.so though similar lines can be crossed the way to treat and the emotions that come with it can differ in lots of way.and with BED its an illness is harder to fight if not trickier.this isn't about someone becoming over weight.this is about someone in mental distress with a terbile illness forcing her to do things agasnit herself.its not choice just like anoeria isn't.and its not a case of being on a diet or helthy eating plan.there is mentally distressed patient who needs help.

upsideup

Regarding those who are telling you that you may be the wrong person to speak to your sister, it was actually a friend of mine who had been in hopsital for severe anorexia who helped me realise I needed to get help. I had known for so long that how I ate was not normal but my head kept telling me I was just greedy and needed to pull myself together. My anorexic friend pointed out to me that all EDs lie to the sufferer, by making them deny they have an issue. When I ended up in OA I discovered this was common as much with overeating as with undereating.

Maybe approach it differently, such as asking her if she is ok, if there is anything bothering her?

I`m saying this because I have suffered from both anorexia and bulimia. Neither were about body image or weight to begin with. They stemmed as a way of me trying to cope with other issues. For example when I binged/purged, I knew it was wrong, I knew I shouldn't do it but I could not stop myself. The urges were intense and overwhelming and in a way the whole process temporarily blocked out all other thoughts and feelings. It was almost a tension relief for a while. I was almost incredibly ashamed and embarrassed to tell anyone about what I was doing.

Maybe she is struggling with food for similar reasons, it's like a coping or comfort mechanism? To make any progress you need to also work on those underlying issues.

I tried CBT and it definitely did not cure me or help a huge amount but they did teach me a few things I could do to try and help.

It is NOT acceptable to “shame” anyone, for being too fat or too thin. Nobody I know, unless they are a total cunt, would make unkind comments to anyone about their weight. That’s what fat shaming is. Same goes for thin shaming.

That said, I would mention it to your sister. To me, there isn’t anything wrong with asking if everything is ok and you’ve noticed some slightly worrying behaviour and her weight gain. Is she likely to get defensive though?

The notion that saying this^^ to a gay person is unacceptable while people go around thin shaming willy nilly, with no repercussions, simply isn’t true in my circles. I only ever read this crap on here. I’m so glad I don’t associate with some of the people who I read about on here.

I’ve even heard of intervention type conversations when people have suddenly gained a lot of weight and their friends are genuinely concerned. To say people are left to gain weight like crazy because it’s more acceptable to be fat than thin in this country is pure bollocks.

Gay person . Fat person! Fuck off autocorrect.

I understand where you're coming from OP.
My sister has always been overweight even as a child. Nobody in the family mentions it. To do so would be "unkind".
She has broken beds and sofas but obviously they were faulty goods according to dm.
It's like a whole do not upset her she is very moody about it thing.
However I have always been on the lighter side and dropped down to 6 and a half stone as a teenager doing A levels.
All I ever heard was eat something and you re getting anorexic/you look awful.
You can try and have a word with your sister but if she and the whole family are denying the weight thing you may not have much success.

I've been overweight on and off since being a child, @recklessruby but in my case I was constantly castigated for it and told off for being greedy. And as an adult, my DM still sees fit to comment on my appearance, what I eat and what I wear.

So it's a very complicated issue.

@reckless

They should have handled your weight loss better, but if it was a sudden drop, then I could see why they were a bit concerned. Whereas your dsis was always overweight. Not healthy, but not an immediate red flag.

A huge or sudden gain or loss would worry me more to begin with and I’d be more likely to ask a friend if they were ok.

So, we haven't found out how big the sister is, how old she is, what her circumstances are.

She could be 7lbs overweight for all we know and then Notumbongo could go round with her brother and sort the fattie out. I just cannot imagine Nots friends - people who are happy to be told they need an intervention as their jeans are bit tight; I bet you get invited out a lot Not. (no pun intended).

Lizzie - in my case I was constantly castigated for it and told off for being greedy. And as an adult, my DM still sees fit to comment on my appearance, what I eat and what I wear. - Notumbongo's ideal parenting style!!

You’re quite thick aren’t you?
Bless you for trying though

recklessruby a family member of mine was anorexic in her teens and 20s, and is now treated as though she's made of fine china by everyone - nobody is ever allowed to upset her and her feelings are to be protected at all costs, resulting in sometimes jawdroppingly ridiculous contortions to avoid upsetting her.

The dynamics within that family around food created 3 out if 4 siblings with eating disorders. The children were broughtup by a parent obsessed with controlling food intake and commenting endlessly on weight of both family members directly and everyone else behind their backs. The members of the family with that history probably do better not to involve themselves in anyone else's weight gain or loss, having created the issues in the first place.

Where more than one sibling has an eating disorder the parents and siblings would probably do less harm by staying out of it.

bingeeatingdisorder101

Thankyou, what you've said has been really helpful. I'm glad your gettign some support now and wish you all the best.