To worry about sisters weight?

[upsideup]

My sister is very overweight, to a point it is seriously damaging her health and having a negative impact on her quality of life. She almost definitely has a binge eating disorder, she never stops's eating and her day revolves around food. Her weight is never mentioned by anyone or if it is she is lied to and basically just encouraged to carry on. Everyone around her (including me) is just letting her eat herself to death to avoid hurting her feelings. Whenever I have mentioned anything I am shut down, my weight is still the first topic of conversation in my family as they think its acceptable to talk about and worry because I'm not overweight.

I used to suffer from anorexia, from my preteens until my late 20's I was dangerously underweight. No one ever tiptoed around this or pretended that I didn't have a problem, it was never ignored to avoid upsetting me or hurting my feelings. No one said not to worry if I didn't want to putting on weight, to just ignore the doctors and embrace my body the way it is. I was told my body wasn't attractive and that it was really sad that I had done that to myself not complimented for it. It wasn't dropped because I didn't like hearing it or because I already knew I was underweight and ultimately I was just forced to eat, gain weight and be healthy which I'm now very grateful for.

I really can't understand why my sister is being treated so differently, I don't want to let her down by not giving her the same opportunities and support that I was given.

AIBU to want to do something and to not drop it? Why are we expected to worry about peoples health when they are underweight but not over?

I’m guessing that poster is Indian - I'm guessing that poster is just spiteful, nothing to do with being from another country.

Oh there you go.

Theres never any conversation so I've never had the opportunity to ask her any of these things. I've tried mentioning binge eating disorder to start and given her infomation and contact details if she wants to research or discuss that but thats when I'm shut down.

I don't know her size/weight but know she hasnt been able to buy clothes from your average shops for years.

I also hated people commenting on my weight even though I knew they were only saying it because they cared. I think trying to be proactive would be better, maybe offer to join a gym with her then set a day every week to go.

Lots of Eastern European and other countries are very open and honest about peoples weight.

I just don’t understand it. We don’t sit around and watch our loved ones drink themselves to death so why let them eat themselves to death? What’s the difference? Oh yeah, one of them is socially acceptable.
That why xxxl size clothes are available, why there are massive portion sizes, why everything is being made bigger to accommodate the growing size of people, why we have phrases like “curvy”. It’s subtle, but it’s a socially acceptable thing.

@DishingOutDone didn’t you read her post? It’s all about her country and their honesty with fatness

How fat is fat in your sisters case?

I understand people saying "you don't think a fat person doesn't know they are fat" and that's one thing with an overweight person. But that's different with morbidly obese people, who obviously clearly know they ate fat too but they also clearly have an eating disorder and no it shouldn't be ignored, same as it wouldn't with someone with anorexia. It just needs to be done constructively.

I have an overweight family member, and when I say overweight I mean death is knocking imminently overweight. It astounds me the lack of help out there for these people. I think because people just don't see it as an eating disorder, but nobody who eats themselves that big doesn't have major issues.

I think the five minute rule counts here. If someone can't change the issue in 5 minutes - don't mention it.

However if fat people know they are fat what's the problem with bringing up weight then in the same way people discuss other medical conditions? Why is being overweight considered to be a looks issue rather than a diabetes/heart attack/ joints issue?

Anorexics aren't about looks as about control. I think a lot of people gain weight over the years or get a bit flabby but actually it's pretty hard to become really obese. That takes as much effort as not eating. Why would can people not be corned and honest?

You get clusters of eating disorders in families sometimes, where there's the same genetic and social causes... People begin to worry about driving family members from one dangerous eating disorder to another, and it begins to be seen as a matter of degree.

Anorexia kills a lot faster and a lot younger than morbid obesity, when it comes down to it. That's why anorexia cant be ignored (or complimented - are you saying people compliment your sister specifically on being overweight and you think you should have been complimented on being underweight? Or just that sometimes people tell her she looks nice, when she's making an effort or wearing something that suits her?)

Fat shaming mostly makes people worse, it's only a motivator for a very small number of people who just needed a nudge, but even then it has to come from the right person.

My "former" anorexic (she's no longer in danger but the mindset is still there, and the obsessive control over food intake) family member finds it impossible to hide her disgust for anyone overweight, so would not be able to hit the right tone if trying to help and overweight loved one.

"Ah so you think the person doesn't know they are fat then?"

It definitely is the case that some people don't realise how much weight they've put on. It can happen gradually and you just start gradually buying new clothes. Happened to me, though obviously not to the point of being obese and not noticing it.

Speaking as the overweight one in the family, no-one has had the outright conversation with me. They know I've had periods of losing weight & getting fitter, and periods of not so.

I guess my family are switched on enough to know I'm well aware of my weight. I've sent Xmas present ideas to them, clothes in most definitely not a size 8. I'm not unaware.

They know I'm intelligent enough to work out how to lose weight. But I think they also know it's not always as simple as some folk make out. Yeah, the science is simple .... take in fewer calories that you use.

And from a "politeness" perspective, for every person who could talk to me about my weight, I could talk to them about a physical attribute or personality trait that is also less than ideal. So there is a "why's it ok to bash me about my weight" ..... ah but it's your health, I'm just concerned 🤔

If you have a genuine worry about them, then ask if there's anything worrying them or that you could support them with. But, sweeping statement here, I'm not sure I'd jump at taking weight / food advice from a recovering anorexic, however well you're doing now. Only you know how well the conversation might go.

"I wonder which country referred to upthread where its normal for people to comment on peoplea weight.”

I’m guessing that poster is Indian"

Could be from lots of different countries really. I think Britain is at the extreme end of 'don't mention the fat'.

@Gwenhwyfar there is no way on earth someone wouldn’t notice they were morbidly obese is there?

If you can say to someone in the early stages of weight gain “oh, I’ve noticed you’re getting a bit fatter. Why is this? Are you ok?” It’s much easier for them to go “oh shit yeah I’ve put on a few pounds, I’ve been depressed. Won’t take me long to lose”.

Telling someone at a 7 pound gain is much kinder than letting them get to a 5 stone weight gain where losing the weight can just seem like too much and the motivation is so much harder.

She could indeed be from lots of different countries. However, I’m guessing, India. That’s what guessing is all about

And no I’m not Indian.

I’m Japanese. My husband and his family are Russian, which also have a similar attitude.

I agree with umbongounchained we have totally lost sight of what's fat and what's not and you can't say it because fat shaming is just not acceptable. I do not agree with bring cruel to or judging anyway and I could stand to lose a stone or more myself but now I am in the position of seeing the end of the spectrum where death will most certainly be the result I honestly believe the situation we are in now with ignoring obesity is a dangerous one

Reading some of the cross-posts, I'd definitely say context is everything and agree with the 5-minute rule.

When I say I'm the overweight one in the family, I've come down from a size 18 to a 14. Even still I could lose weight, I know that and am working it, and my family know it.

Not ideal still but Completely different to the (allegedly) 40-stone person I heard of who died recently, needed fire service personnel with lifting gear to remove him from his home, non-standard cremation arrangements etc.

Different habits, different "solutions".

Oh god yes Russians have a strange attitude to weight. Lots of anorexia going on there. Skinny at all costs. My Bf is Russian and thinks nothing of not eating for a week if she has a few pounds to lose.
Lots of fat Russians though?

"@Gwenhwyfar there is no way on earth someone wouldn’t notice they were morbidly obese is there?"

No, I don't see how they could not notice being morbidly obese, but people on the thread were talking about just being fat as well.

“I agree with umbongounchained we have totally lost sight of what's fat and what's not and you can't say it because fat shaming is just not acceptable.”

This isn’t what it’s about though- it’s about what will actually help OPs sister. And telling her she’s fat won’t, Will it? She’s not miraculously going to join slim fast and become slimmer of the year because her ex anorexic sister told her she was too fat.

"If you can say to someone in the early stages of weight gain “oh, I’ve noticed you’re getting a bit fatter. Why is this? Are you ok?” It’s much easier for them to go “oh shit yeah I’ve put on a few pounds, I’ve been depressed. Won’t take me long to lose”.

Telling someone at a 7 pound gain is much kinder than letting them get to a 5 stone weight gain where losing the weight can just seem like too much and the motivation is so much harder."

I completely agree. Much easier to not get fat in the first place than to get very fat and then have to lose it all.

You should be able to discuss with loved ones if you think they have an addiction.

I know it is an unpopular opinion but most over eating is for your own satisfaction, it is unnecessary. If it makes you feel content find an interest to make you happy.
There is my niece she is miserable, 16 yo 16 stone and only 5ft2. We joined a fitness class to support her. I do not really have time for it but I am making time for her, yesterday she had Eddie rockets, last night a few glasses of wine and split a takeaway. If she does not take control she will be 20 and 20 stone. No one will say to her what are you playing at??
As a pp said if it were drugs or alcohol family would speak up.

I think fat shaming was the wrong word for me to use.

So in my family we don’t “shame” if we say you’ve gotten fat. It’s genuinely out of concern.