"Sorry, we have plans today" - the most secretive, worst humble-brag snub

[IdiotsIdiotsEverywhere]

I have a family member who says this when she is not free. Always.

I always think it's said in a way as if they are better than us! Also, why the secrecy? Just say what you are doing!

I get it as an occasional turn of phrase when pushed for time but used regularly it's comes across really stuck up.

The type of person who is using this is always reluctant to do things with friends with her partner, often without partner but at weekends it's all about 'my little family' and meeting up with other families is a no-no.

It translates very neatly into "bugger off and leave me/us alone to do my/our own thing without judgment from anyone else".

I am that person. I like my own company and privacy. I don't enjoy socialising so don't do it much, though make sure that I am polite and nice when I do have to.. I like to spend time with my own small family unit at weekends.

What she is saying and doing is fine. It isn't rude and it isn't smug. She wants to be left to her own devices. You need to take the hint, but you don't seem to get it.

I am not keen on people who simply want to spend every weekend with their own little family, and rebuff any attempts to see family and friends
Really? They sound my kind of people - busy with their own lives and not going to be pestering me to give up my plans for a bone-idle Sunday!

Yep, this phrase for me is definitely the equivalent of saying 'just fuck off and get a life'. Perhaps you are too needy or always wanting to be part of their plans - it can get too much sometimes and its just a polite way of saying go away.

I agree it is a very rude phrase.

RangeRider Fine, I do just ignore people like that. But don't come to me then when you want help.

Haven't RFT but I don't think there's anything wrong with someone wanting to keep their weekends as family time. Everyone's different - some people like socialising at weekends and some like staying in. To me 'got plans' is code for staying in in my PJs, tidying my house, playing board games with the kids, watching a film etc. Socialising with people at weekends can be fun sometimes but is also tiring and means I don't then have things organised for the upcoming week of work and school.

The 'stuff' and 'plans' thing doesn't work. If I say I have plans that means that I have planned (key word there) to do something. So usually, Dh and I have decided to clear the garage and go to the tip or we have decided to blitz clean the house.
If I have 'stuff' to do, that usually means I ought to do some cleaning or ironing but that there is no definitive plan.

I'm more likely to say "I have stuff to do, sorry" if I'm just blowing you off. If I say "I have plans" then I have bloody plans!

OP, you are being unreasonable and ever so slightly unhinged!! As you've already identified for yourself that this person likes to spend time with her own family on weekends, I don't know why you keep pestering her?? She is always going to be saying no regardless of the phrase she chooses to say it with.

Oliversmumsarmy

If someone asks me to do something and my plan is to sit in front of a Netflix series drinking coffee and eating chocolate then that is what I say.

Saying you have plans sounds at best dickish and definitely rude.

I doubt that OP would accept that as an excuse. You'd have it explained to you that you can do that any time, and you're being very lazy, you're getting stuck in your ways, you're only young once, you can watch netflix any time etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.

I would only use it with difficult people who I don't want to see and who I know will try and rearrange my life for me to fit themselves in it - people who are like a dog with a bone.

It is an assertive close down.

If I have plans and am open to rearranging to accommodating doing something with a nice person I would say - bugger I have made plans to do x but maybe we could get together earlier/later.

I also respect weekends as family time - I think people who do this are nurturing their families. Mostly with kids activities weekends are as busy as the week so any chink of light for down time is good.

Also partners and kids might not appreciate me forcing them to spend time with other families - even if I like the Mum by DH might find her or her OH a bore or the kids don't gel.....and vice versa.

OP how much time do you want or feel your are entitled to from your friend?

Love the psycho analysis of my personality from one thread. Things are really black and white for some people aren't they?!!

I don't see it that way.
I see it as politely letting someone know that you aren't available, without divulging the reason why, which could be as simple as "I can't be arsed to get dressed today, it's the weekend and I want to stay in and do nothing".

No one is owed an explanation as to why someone can't make an event, or receive a visit, really.

Much like several pps, I use this to prevent the host coming up with ways I can still come. I used to be pressured into attending something I didn't want to attend or had no time for, spoiling the whole day.

"We can't, we want to watch XYZ movie." It is playing at the cinema near us, too, or go to the earlier show... I end up watching it when or where I didn't want to and attending the thing I didn't want to, spoiling both the cinema visit and the event.

I now just say "I can't do Tuesday", it leaves no room for organising my life for me.

What another20 wrote!

Ali1cedowntherabbithole ^Business speak version would be more self-aggrandising, no?

I have events diarised myself^

I'd think a business connection who told me they 'had plans' when arranging a meeting to be a bit weird, it's a thing to say about social arrangements not work ime. Usually they say they have another appointment or meeting that day and time.

Just say ‘what are those then’? That’s what my friends ‘n fam would say 😁

I use "sorry, we have plans" with people I know will either try to gatecrash plans if I say what we're going or will mither if I say we're staying in/doing housework etc.

My DH works away Mon-Fri. Weekends are family time. We see PIL and BIL, but generally just have family time because we only have Saturday morning to Sunday night together.

abucucat
^I agree it is a very rude phrase.

RangeRider Fine, I do just ignore people like that. But don't come to me then when you want help.^

So this is the bit I don't get, perhaps because I am older (mid forties). How does not seeing someone at the weekends equate to them not being able to ask for help when they need it? I don't see my friends at the weekends - we all have other stuff to do. But they can ask me for help anytime and I will always do my best because they're my friends.

Ribbon I was being a bit tongue in cheek because a PP had said I've got plans sounds like formal business speak.

In reality - and not apprentice speak - I agree people would just say they weren't free, and not waste time with reasons.

Just leave her now OP and when she asks you to do something either say I'll let you know (which is the height of rudeness) or I've got plans.

yes, you get it! It's like they are trying to imply they have a perfect life with lots of fun and exciting things to do that are so precious to them.

eh ? Massive imaginary leap from you there. This is to do with the chip on your shoulder, nothing to do with your friend.

I actually do like her and spend a lot of time with her but come weekends she doesn't want to know even though our families could do things together quite easily

But why should she want to spend all her life with your family ? . Most people have different groups of people they spend time with. You are already spending quite a lot of time with her, maybe that is as much as she wants to. Do you not have other people you might want to see, or even just spend some quieter time with your own family, or even just need to get on with some mundane tasks that need doing ?

YABVU, and somewhat ridiculous to expect any friend to explain to you where they are / what they are doing every minute they aren't with you.

bandito Because you can't be bothered to actually make any time for them to see them.

I sometimes say that. It's because sometimes I think if you say, "I can't see you because I am seeing X friend instead", it can make the other person feel a bit as though they are second best to X friend.

OP, if somebody did say to you "Oh, I'm going to x event," would you suggest that you could come along to?

If they said they were planning to stay in bed and watch tv all weekend, would you say "Oh come on, you should do x with me instead!" and put pressure on them?

I get the feeling some of the people replying on this thread might do exactly that, and this is why their friends use the coverall "plans" to put them off!

Business speak was a poor choice of words I agree.

I liked the use of diarise though!

Agree with Rudgie. Bat it back.

@OffToBedhampton

I think I misread the first post and thought the subject of OP was a friend rather than a family member so might not be relevant here but personally for me I’m happy to have friends, happy to see them and their kids but as soon as you bring my partner and their partner into the mix it makes me feel a bit awkward and I’m more inclined to duck out of that.