"Sorry, we have plans today" - the most secretive, worst humble-brag snub

[IdiotsIdiotsEverywhere]

I have a family member who says this when she is not free. Always.

I always think it's said in a way as if they are better than us! Also, why the secrecy? Just say what you are doing!

I get it as an occasional turn of phrase when pushed for time but used regularly it's comes across really stuck up.

The type of person who is using this is always reluctant to do things with friends with her partner, often without partner but at weekends it's all about 'my little family' and meeting up with other families is a no-no.

It's the height of rudeness to say 'I'll let you know'?
Blimey.

So your friends and family have to jump to your summons without being able to check if they have something else on or ask other members of the family to see if they've arranged something at the same time or if they can get a babysitter?

That's the height of rudeness not to mention the height of self-importance if you ask me.

Love the psycho analysis of my personality from one thread.

Maybe some of us remember you from other threads you have started?

Anyone had the "we have plans" reply when asking if someone was free on a certain day and ended up at the same event.

@FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18

If they were going somewhere the same as me I would say "oh us too, might see you there".

If they were going somewhere I wasn't, I would say "have fun".

If they said they were having a lazy day I'd say "us too, let me know if you feel like getting out and coming over for a bit".

Contrary to the assumptions made about me I never invite myself along anywhere, I am hyper aware of not being THAT person!

When I see the person mentioned they will take great delight in telling me everything they have done after the event in a smug way. And often it is something that they know could have interested my DS who is the same age as their DS. A garden centre seasonal event for example where we could go along and not even see them or go another day to the event.

These things annoy me about this person. It doesn't mean I dislike the person. Much like I love my husband there are still things about him that bug me.

I don’t think you are that close to the person if they say “we have plans”

It’s a phrase, which although polite, is used to bat away the suggestion of doing something you don’t want to do or with someone you don’t want to do it with.

I think “we have plans” is evasive and I wouldn’t be asking again having received that response.

I think “we can’t because aunty Mildred is here” or “we can’t because we are going to the zoo” is far more friendly than “we have plans”. Hence why I wouldn’t be asking again if I received the evasive brush off of we have plans.

Do you follow "we have plans" with "what are you up to?"

I used to get criticised a lot (by different people) for offering too much information eg why I couldn’t come to something. So now I make a consertive effort to say very little. That’s the sort of thing I’d say now - I’m busy. Straight to the point.

So, from your last update, the issue isn't the "we have plans", it's the smuggery AFTER the event that lets you know what they did for those plans that your family would quite have liked to do too, with or without them.
I wondered why you thought it was a smug thing to say - now I know. You're associating it with post-event smuggery.

Personally I do think "we've got plans" is a real brush off phrase.

Because you can't be bothered to actually make any time for them to see them.

albuacat - the OP has said she frequently sees this person, so your response makes no sense.

No one has the right to expect to have the monopoly on someone's time. If someone won't be a friend without demanding that someone spends all their time with them, they're not a friend at all. Which it sounds like you're not.

OP - no-one has to justify their plans to you. Her wording or tone may be odd (maybe you have to be there?) but there's nothing wrong with her not wanting to do stuff with your family at weekends.

When I see the person mentioned they will take great delight in telling me everything they have done after the event in a smug way. And often it is something that they know could have interested my DS who is the same age as their DS. A garden centre seasonal event for example where we could go along and not even see them or go another day to the event.

That completely changes your original question imo.

That's not about someone having plans, that's about someone being all "nah nah guess what I did". Which is totally different from someone just spending their weekends as a family without any fanfare.

You'd have got totally different replies if you'd included the post event comments I think.

It also hard to tell whether the post-event smugness is genuine smugness or just your perception. It may be how it's intended, or it may be how it's interpreted iyswim.

But you are THAT person, OP, you just can't see it. You obviously prefer to do family stuff in company with other families, nothing wrong with that if everyone is happy with that but there's also nothing wrong with some families wanting to do things as just their family unit. Thing is I wouldn't tell you what my plans are every time either because it seems you only want to know so you can finagle you and your family into it too.

OP - you are still not getting it

- why oh why should your friend include your DS in her family trips just because your DS might enjoy it why not just do that yourself for your DS?

I personally wouldn't ask someone with a partner and kids to do something on a weekend. They will be wanting to do things with them, see family and do jobs/errands.
I think generally once someone has a partner and kids its all about them and friends and extended family are way, way down the list.

Really? I’d completely get if someone was busy with their family, but the idea that I shouldn’t even ask them just because they have one is bizarre. What if one of my friends is actually sick to death of trips to soft play, lunch with the grandparents, the panto etc. and would kill for an invite to something, anything, as an independent adult - but I don’t even think to ask, because she’s got children?

Your focus was previously on the fact that your families could do things together at the weekend easily. No consideration of the fact that that might not be her wish.

Sounds a doomed "friendship" - she does her own thing, her way, with her own family - which pisses you off and then when she does see you and talks about what she has been up to it pisses you off as well - is there any time in the week when you are not pissed off with her?

Why dont YOU decide you are not actually compatible - and take a step back from the friendship - you would be much happier.

I don't think 'we have plans' is rude nor that it implies someone thinks they're better than another person.

If you spend a good deal of time with her during the week (you and DC I assume) and get along like a house afire, then I think that it's because someone in her family doesn't care for someone in your family. That's not casting blame or saying that whoever it is unlikeable, sometimes personalities don't mesh.

Maybe she just likes her weekends to be family time

IdiotsIdiotsEverywhere perhaps your friend's partner doesn't want to spend their weekend with you?

When my kids were babies and toddlers I used to have a friend who would only meet in people's houses if her husband wasnt free. Any plan to go out with the kids had to involve her husband and therefore happen at the weekend. This wasn't cultural, it was because she had a wierd learnt helplessness thing going on and felt she couldn't take her kids anywhere except a friend's house one her own, without her husband to help. Her kids weren't unusually hard to look after, no SN, it was very odd.

She was always trying to get groups of families together at weekends to do things we could have done during the week when attractions were quieter, but she wouldn't consider going during the week. We and the other mothers were all on maternity leave or temporarily Sahm die to two or three preschoolers each.

My husband and her husband didn't know one another and my husband didn't want to spend his weekends making polite conversation with someone he had nothing in common with except "being a dad".

I also found having her husband around awkward, and our usual easy conversation was stifled. There were somehow far too many people with the addition of spouses and school age children.

I didn't like spending weekends with her family, and my husband didn't either, so we had plans. We purposefully avoided discovering whether they'd like to join us.

Eventually our friendship faded as the kids got older.

Why do you need your families to do things together at weekends? Do your partners want to spend their weekends together?

You could ask her if she just doesn't like meeting up in bigger groups.

If, as most people here think, she says she doesn't like it, there isn't much you can do about it.

If on the other hand she says that she would like to do it, you could ask her to suggest some dates.

You need to learn to enjoy the company of your own family, and to be pro-active in finding things to do at the weekend.

I can see a lot clearer now what your problem is from your last update, but trust me- if you’d spent the weekend doing your own Insta-worthy stuff like walking in some ancient woods or having breakfast with Santa at a different garden centre, then her smuggery (whether she’s intentional in it or not) will sting a lot less.

You can like friends well enough to spend a couple of hours catching up over coffee in the week but find them completely suffocating during a whole day with the kids doing shopping and skating and craft-marketing or whatever. People need their own space.

@another20

We do you misunderstood my post. I don't experience her to take my DS, but she can let me know about an event that I might like to go to with him - as I would do for her.