"Sorry, we have plans today" - the most secretive, worst humble-brag snub

[IdiotsIdiotsEverywhere]

I have a family member who says this when she is not free. Always.

I always think it's said in a way as if they are better than us! Also, why the secrecy? Just say what you are doing!

I get it as an occasional turn of phrase when pushed for time but used regularly it's comes across really stuck up.

The type of person who is using this is always reluctant to do things with friends with her partner, often without partner but at weekends it's all about 'my little family' and meeting up with other families is a no-no.

While the tone of how it is said can change the meaning (tired, apologetic, gleeful, and so on), I don't see the words by themselves are bragging, secretive, particularly formal or showing any specific opinion on how important those plans are. "Sorry, we have plans." is a pretty neutral phrase.

Yes, it's a bit more formal than I have stuff to do or things to do, but plans isn't a particularly formal word. Ridiculously formal, at least to me, would be "Apologies, but I have a prior engagement at that time". It's not putting everything out in the open but that doesn't make them a secret. I think some people are looking to be insulted or for ways to judge people as doing it all wrong, not everything is an ethical or etiquette problem to be taken personally.

Also, just because something can be done quite easily, doesn't mean someone wants to do it or that there aren't just as easily done or far harder to do things that need to be done first. Or that, you know, people arrange plans for the weekend as tends to be easier time to do so and more events tends to be on that people want to go do. I had plans this weekend and have them for at least the next 3 or so.

Personally, when I say I have plans I try to arrange other ones with people I'm interested in seeing. If I don't, it either means I am absolutely shattered and rundown and don't really want to add anything else to my calendar or that for whatever reason I don't mind whether or not there are any plans to see that particular person in future. If someone pushed me on either of those, I'd probably have a lot more "plans" not involving them.

It's like they are trying to imply they have a perfect life with lots of fun and exciting things to do that are so precious to them.

I have never seen anyone read so much into "We have plans today" in my life.

This is a strange thread. I used to say "Sorry I can't, I'm doing x, y and z", and then about 10 years ago I realised people don't care about your plans, they just want to know if you can come or not!

Now, my standard response is "Sorry I can't do Sunday, but hope you have a great time", or "Sorry can't do Sunday, how about next weekend?" - if it's a movable thing. If I was on holiday or doing something unusual I'd probably say so but not if I was doing something bog standard like going to my mum's to help her clear out her attic, etc.

I'd be absolutely astonished if anyone had taken issue with this approach...

Perhaps she and her partner are secretly swingers. ‘Plans’ is a euphemism for ‘fuck session with a couple from Grange-Over-Sands’.

@Cough, are you channeling Victoria Wood, by any chance?

Don't be ridiculous, it's not one word that makes it feel like business speak. Its about overall tone. It's the phrasing in the context of their relationship.

It's the context of, as I understand it a family member using this kind of rather evasive smoothing that clearly sounds out of place to the op.

Easy to knock op but If people think it's a universal phrase that sounds lovely and polite all across society I'm just pointing out it's not always.

It's like they are trying to imply they have a perfect life with lots of fun and exciting things to do

I'd actually think it's completely the opposite, "plans" during the week is likely to be a bath and binge watching 24 Hours in A&E for me, Saturday night it's likely to be a Dine In deal and a DVD with DP. Maybe they just need to get chores done or want a pyjama day with the kids.

Plans is a polite/indirect way of saying "no thanks" in my opinion. Also having some privacy over the details of your life isn't being secretive

She is being very polite and kind to someone who clearly cant take No for an answer. If you want to remain friendly, stop pestering her.

The thing I have noticed is those that are saying it say it because they don’t like the other person and it isn’t about having planned stuff to do.

If it gets you your freedom from annoying people what's the issue

Take the hint, they don't like you/don't want to spend time with you

PMSL take the hint OP! She doesn't wanna spend time with you

My comment was the top one OliversMum,
I don't actually think like that!

They say it because saying no I dont want to is seen as rude. It's what they mean though.

Oh I sympathise with her - I have a badgerer, who I try to put off politely, she always wants to know exactly what I am doing - last time I told her 'going to the surgery to have my wound dressed' - she instantly said 'shall I come with you ?' - err - NO.

Sometimes I don't want to do stuff, I feel tired, I don;t feel like socializing, or I just want to read a book, drink hot chocolate or watch crappy TV. The trouble is if you tell that to people they don't get the hint, or they don't think your reasons for not coming are good enough, so you get 'oh you'll feel better once you get here' or'you can do that any time' or similar.

I use phrases like 'I've got plans' because it saves me from having to deal with the rudeness and pushiness of people who think their desire to go out and arrange my life for me trumps my desire to be left alone to do my own thing.

I would use it to avoid discussion over whether my plans are more important/ can be changed/ are meaningful things to be planning to do.

It just means I want to do something else, and am not open to argument.

It doesn't mean that I dislike the person asking, but it might mean that they have form for interfering with my plans in the past.

We have plans sounds formal and weirdly sort of American? It is American and is used by perky people such as the cast of Friends. Very annoying.

YABU. They don’t have to outline all the things they’re doing.

The phrase in no way suggests they have a perfect life.

My in laws say it, but I'm 100% certain they hate us, so it's quite nice really.

Plans is formal now? Give over. This is what I say when I have plans to do something else which can be anything from deflea-ing the cats to a weekend camping in the woods OR it's a polite way of saying I don't want to go wherever I'm being asked to go but don't want to hurt feelings or argue about it.

It's not about humble bragging, if that were the case I'd just say '"oh that's a shame, I'd love to have lunch at the Greasy Spoon with you but I have to go to this really boring dinner in Beverly Hills with a bunch of Oscar nominees." That's humble-bragging

Btw didn't we just have this thread?

I think it's worse when people tell you what their plans are, as they're usually bragging. I really don't want to know that they're taking their little darlings for a ride on a unicorn!

This may have been said but I can't be bothered reading past page 1.

I used to suffer from terrible anxiety and social phobia. I often put my new 'mum' friends off simply because I could not cope with the thought of going out.

Luckily for me I think they twigged and it was a "no worries" rather than a rant on mumsnet.

We are still friends 10 years on.

Gosh I use this when either a) I just can’t be arsed and want to spend the day in my pjs or b) my plans are something really dull like batch cooking or ironing but they need done. It’s the opposite of a brag, I don’t tell you because it’s nithing interesting

I actually do like her and spend a lot of time with her but come weekends she doesn't want to know even though our families could do things together quite easily

But she doesn't want to do things together on weekends. That's the point. And nothing wrong with that.

Meh. I use it when I have already got something lined up that I can’t or don’t want to rearrange. And, most importantly, when what I have lined up is absolutely none of your business. Get over it.

I don't believe there is anything wrong with saying 'We have plans'. When did it become necessary to explain yourself to everyone ?

and how OP reach the conclusion that the 'Family member' is smug and thinks herself better than OP is ridiculous and says more about OP than it does about the family member.

I hope the Family member is enjoying her day without OP in her Plans for a lovely Sunday

I protect my weekends quite fiercely as DH and I work FT office hours, and the sequins are at school.

Sorry- but SEQUINS?

Business speak version would be more self-aggrandising, no?

I have events diarised myself.

Lol at @SoyDora's dignified burn to @SilentIsla who was being goady

@MNisforlosers I was wondering where you were going with the Some people just aren’t into the family friendships thing? ?

As that isn't what most PPs replying are saying. But fair enough if some are , up to them really, so that might be point you quite rightly made.

If not, PPs may like to see other friends / family at weekend or keep some weekends just their little family instead. Without feeling they need to justify what they are doing each weekend to the one relative who seems easily miffed/ needy/ and a tad pushy.

OP has said she sees this relative already in the week and enjoys her company. It's just that OP seems to want more of relatives' company at a time/ weekend the relative doesn't want to do.

I have a list as long as my arm of people I/they want to find time catch up with each other, as well as DCs friends that come over, and we do see lots of people! It's just every umpteen weeks it gets a bit much, so I also like quiet weekends booked in to bimble with DC. Ain't nobody gatecrashing those weekends!!

I wouldn't consider a relative /friend I'd already seen during week as a priority also for weekend, unless it was to do something shared we all wanted to do. oP's relative is saying she's busy so it is clearly not something she wants to do or doesn't want to be monopolised by one person, who also has their own family and ought understand!

I really like @FuzzyShadowChatter 's post above.