"Sorry, we have plans today" - the most secretive, worst humble-brag snub

[IdiotsIdiotsEverywhere]

I have a family member who says this when she is not free. Always.

I always think it's said in a way as if they are better than us! Also, why the secrecy? Just say what you are doing!

I get it as an occasional turn of phrase when pushed for time but used regularly it's comes across really stuck up.

The type of person who is using this is always reluctant to do things with friends with her partner, often without partner but at weekends it's all about 'my little family' and meeting up with other families is a no-no.

That's nothing. I know a few people who say they haven't seen us for ages, it's been too long and let's catch up. They then say something like oh, we are sooooo busy, we can see you between 3pm and 5pm on Sunday 16th Feb 2019.

I'm like, no thanks. Fit us in the next 2 weeks or don't bother.

Surely the response "sorry, we have plans today" is in reply to being asked to do something/go somewhere/someone inviting themselves over, etc., etc. How can it possibly be defined as being rude, secretive or humble-bragging (whatever the merry hell that is)? It is a perfectly polite answer to a question, no-one has a God given right to other people's time and no-one has to justify to anyone else what they are doing, why they do not want to do whatever the other person is suggesting, or why they want to do something with only their partner and children.

That's not what humble brag means.

Surely the response "sorry, we have plans today" is in reply to being asked to do something/go somewhere/someone inviting themselves over, etc., etc. How can it possibly be defined as being rude, secretive or humble-bragging (whatever the merry hell that is)? It is a perfectly polite answer to a question, no-one has a God given right to other people's time and no-one has to justify to anyone else what they are doing, why they do not want to do whatever the other person is suggesting, or why they want to do something with only their partner and children

agreed

DP and I use the "plans" close down with one of the SILs.

We think it's slightly more polite than the truth, which is "We'd rather stab ourselves in the eyeballs with red hot needles than spend an hour with your appallingly noisy, spoilt, badly-behaved children and your racist, sexist, bullying dickhead of a husband".

We invite her along to things that we know her DH and DCs would hate, like trips to galleries or historic houses, which she really enjoys as she wouldn't get to do them otherwise.

I rally don’t know why the OP cares so much.

@FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18

My kids love Flossie Teacake. They can mimic the voices from the audio book and repeat sections of dialogue. I’m ashamed to tell you that they are all teenagers .

I am not keen on people who simply want to spend every weekend with their own little family, and rebuff any attempts to see family and friends.

Meh, I am like this - very defensive of weekend space. We work full time, the kids are in various activities...I want free time with my husband and kids.

My mother is always nosing about what we are doing and I try to just say we have "plans" because she doesn't accept that free time with my nuclear family is a plan

Lack of imagination. At least have a different response if you do not want to admit you do not want to spend time in someone's company.

I find if you tell people you're masturbating all weekend they don't ask again

at RedPanda2 do you ever worry that they might say “oh that sounds like fun, I’ll come and join you.”

Are we the only family then, that has to make time at the weekend to do exciting things like unblock the shower tray that has been overflowing.... find time to scan the letter form one car insurer to the next to prove NCD..... look up a tradesman to come and fix window lock..... check the internet to try to find a better deal for loan or savings..... take that stuff to the tip that's been in the way for the last month..... start thinking about Christmas lists ........ just generally doing a house clean.... etc. etc. ?

I don't get this "plans" an "doing something with family (or friends" every weekend. Sometimes we need time for life 'stuff'.

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar no takers so far!

OP - are you Lakie's SIL?

RedPanda2

I find if you tell people you're masturbating all weekend they don't ask again

How lovely. 🤢

So to cut a Long story short, this particular person annoys you, and you have projected your irritation onto this phrase by said person.

I sort of know what you mean about the not sharing of info. I am an info sharer - if I see something I think an aquaintance would like then I share it with them on fb or tell them the next time I see them. But Ive realised Im in the minority.

You are coming across as very controlling OP.

I loved Flossie teacake books as well!

Projecting, much.

Bonkers.

Sorry if a PP has covered this, but I'll often say this to friends I'm really fond of but whose partner or kids I can't stand. I don't think they have any idea how exhausting and destructive their kids are to what I'd like to do with my kids, and I like my friends too much to ever want them to know - hence this line.

What I hate about telling people my plans is that sometimes they'll say "I'll see you there" and when you get to the event, or whatever, that other person/family has been deliberately seeking you out at said event and latch onto you. When I'd wanted to go by myself/with my family for our little outing. I sometimes want to do things without being someone else's entertainment.

YANBU

It sounds like you do a lot together during the week... but you aren't 'good enough' to do stuff as two families. Lots of posters suggesting why they don't need to explain what they are doing to anyone on the weekends OR that it is, as you expected, polite code for 'piss off ' or maybe both.

Under any of scenario / reasons / excuses etc- what works for you does matter. And this isn't working.

I would suggest not spending so much time during the week with this person and find someone else that similarly wants to do 'joint family stuff' on the weekend.

Sounds like you aren't compatible.

I often say I'm not available.

It could mean anything to be honest. I could out for lunch with George Clooney or sitting on my arse eating chocolate and watching Gogglebox. I don't feel the need to explain myself to anyone.

You sound a bit annoying, Op.

@IdiotsIdiotsEverywhere you sound like my worst nightmare.

I cross the road and walk 2 miles out of my way to avoid walking past people like you. Pushy, opinionated, controlling, snide, and judgemental. Not a great mix, and it's hardly surprising people don't want to spend time with you. Especially with the vitriolic remarks you have made about people wanting to spend time with their family! I mean God forbid people want to be with their OWN family!

I agree with many of the posters on here. When people say they are busy, and have plans, and they keep saying it, it's because they don't want to see you. If I had plans for the weekend, and someone I LIKED asked me to meet up, I would say 'awwww I'm so sorry I'm busy, but what about next weekend instead?' I would offer an alternative weekend, (if it was someone I wanted to see.)

If it's someone I don't like, and don't want to see, then I will keep saying 'sorry I am busy... / I have plans....' And as many posters have said, I don't have to explain why.

If someone is constantly putting you off then it's obvious that they don't like you. I can't believe you can't see this. Everyone else can!

@multicolourmophead

What I hate about telling people my plans is that sometimes they'll say "I'll see you there" and when you get to the event, or whatever, that other person/family has been deliberately seeking you out at said event and latch onto you. When I'd wanted to go by myself/with my family for our little outing. I sometimes want to do things without being someone else's entertainment.

Yeah this too. DH and I have told people (we are not keen on) what our plans are, and they turn up! On top of turning up, they also cling on to us, and follow us around, and stop us mixing with others, and also stop us just sitting together as a couple all evening (if that is what we want to do!) We end up feeling obliged to talk to them.

As has been said, if someone isn't telling you what they are doing, they don't want you to know, they don't want to see you, and if they are going somewhere, then they DEFINITELY don't want you there.