"Sorry, we have plans today" - the most secretive, worst humble-brag snub

[IdiotsIdiotsEverywhere]

I have a family member who says this when she is not free. Always.

I always think it's said in a way as if they are better than us! Also, why the secrecy? Just say what you are doing!

I get it as an occasional turn of phrase when pushed for time but used regularly it's comes across really stuck up.

The type of person who is using this is always reluctant to do things with friends with her partner, often without partner but at weekends it's all about 'my little family' and meeting up with other families is a no-no.

Love the psycho analysis of my personality from one thread

and interestingly OP, this is exactly what you yourself have done, in response to one a sentence reply from your Family member.

you have deemed her smug and thinks herself above you, ironic right

Not strictly true that though is it Bumble

Yes, it's true

I say this.
But my plans are normally keep the weekend as free as possible and see what my little people want and which way the wind takes us and don't want fixed plans with other people to change that.

Sometimes I say 'family time' but some people then assume this means I'm free to drop in on or play day etc.

How she treats you afterwards does colour those words (though whether she's actually gleeful about it or actively keeps what seems like would be public knowledge to herself for fun is not something any of us can tell), but I don't think it's fair to generalize that the phrase "Sorry, we have plans" means the same smuggery - if there is any - for everyone else who uses it.

OffToBedhampton Thank you, and I agree that it seems to be a difference in prioritizing. I quite like events and sharing them with those of interest, but I get others may not do so - and I'm more likely to share specifically with those I see less often if I think it would be a good way to catch-up rather than my usual method of just sharing what I've found to social media in general.

My closest, lovely, loyal best mate of over 20 years, and business partner of 5 uses this phrase.

Sometimes I'll ask her what she's up to when she says it, and sometimes I don't.

I don't give a monkeys.

Your reaction to being told no due to having plans is very telling, as is your comment come weekends she doesn't want to know even though our families could do things together quite easily. The world doesn't revolve around you and what you want and it's irrelevant that you could do things together easily as she obviously doesn't want to. Her life, her choice.

abacucat
I am not keen on people who simply want to spend every weekend with their own little family, and rebuff any attempts to see family and friends.

I'm sure they are devastated,..... not

I'm sorry to say it but i think you've shifted the goal posts on purpose with your updates OP.

The thrust of your OP was clearly ''we have plans'' sounds smug and we could ''easily do things together'' but she doesn't want to and i'm pissed off about it.

Now we have - ''she finds interesting things to do and keeps them secret and then tells me all about them and i don't like it''.

They're totally different things.

My guess would be that she doesn't tell you what she's doing at the weekends (DC related in particular) because she knows you'd push for going as a group.

I hate it too

Just say we are busy at home
Or we are seeing friends
Its the secrecy that irks

Had family and friends that did this. You get "what are you plans for the weekend?" on a Friday night or first thing Saturday. If you didn't reply, you would get prompted for an answer. My reply in my head was " let me sodding get up, breakfast, 4 cups of tea and decide what I wanna do" after getting up at 11am! If you say you are going to the beach for the day or looking at wedding venues, they usually tagged along or it was the talking point for months later. I don't want to spend all my free time with them!!!

So the replies are "we are out till 4pm see you later" works a little tiny bit better as you have started your plans

See, what I'm getting from you is you're not inviting this person to do a specific thing, you have no plans yourself so you're asking if she's doing anything this weekend/today to see if it's something you/your family can piggyback onto. You say you don't expect them to invite your son but can't you see that's exactly what you're expecting?
"we're going to see Santa at the garden centre" opens them up to "oh DS would like that" and they feel obliged to say "come with us."

I think your perception is colored by a certain entitled envy i.e. this person is always doing interesting things making your life seem dull by comparison and it's not fair that she doesn't include you. Seems to me you're depending on her to plan not only her family's leisure activities but yours too. Clue yourself up by maybe reading the local newspaper events diary page or community Facebook page or just googling things going on locally. Maybe take a leaf out of her book so you can arrange things for your family to do just like she does.

My single, child free SIL says this all the time to the once-a-month offer we put out to come over for dinner / see the children / whatever. I think she says it to sound elusive, busy, cool, single, socially hectic, whatever. When she eventually tells you what it was she was doing (and she always does) it’ll turn out to be barre class after work followed by happy hour drinks in s local bar and in bed by 9pm. Which is all fine and dandy, but it’s projecting something which is so totally the opposite of reality, in a way she thinks we would swallow and feel envious of, that’s weird.

(Gosh, hadn’t realised I’d thought about it so much!)

My guess would be that she doesn't tell you what she's doing at the weekends (DC related in particular) because she knows you'd push for going as a group

Definitely, I believe you have hot the nail on the head. Sounds like OP is forever pushing herself into other peoples plans

If she already sees you during the week, then maybe she likes to just be with her own family at the weekends.

I have a colleague who chats away with us all week, really friendly, but won’t come out on Xmas do’s/other celebrations because she likes to keep work/ home life separate. That kind of thing.

I find the sort of people who say "I would do X, and because I would do it then it's the right thing to do and other people who don't do should be reviled or taught better" quite tricky to get along with. I almost always end up distancing myself from them because they confuse me, they drop heavy hints that I don't understand, or the do things in a weird, pointed way or they are continually being a bit miffed at me for something that I would never in a million years consider to be an issue.

OP you are quite extrovert, you like to do things with others and also pass on interesting things for them to do. That's not a bad thing, in fact it's great, people like you make events happen and bring people together, but it is a personality trait that not everyone has. For instance, I am not like that, I like to socialise sometimes but need quiet time with just my family and very little other interaction.

I don't want to do stuff with the families of my DH's friends because I don't know them and would have to be polite and keep the DC in line and wouldn't relax. Similarly DH doesn't want to do stuff with the families of my friends. We want to spend time in our little family group, perhaps with my Mum and brother too, or DH's nephews, and hear about what's going on in each other's lives or even just slump on the sofa together and watch a film. I don't think less of people who don't want to do that, why would I tolerate people who think less of me?

I think it depends on the tone of voice, I've heard it before where it sounds like a brush off (I.e. if you're about to suggest doing something together, the answer is no) and I've heard other people say it in a way that doesn't convey anything in particular.

I think I know what you mean OP can see both sides. If someone routinely is saying it, it would be annoying and frustrating but such is life!

I actually do like her and spend a lot of time with her
If that’s how you describe someone you like......

She doesn’t have to explain herself to you. So her idea of a good weekend is different to yours. Not the worst crime.

What business of yours is it what she has lined up? Why should she detail her plans? YABU to the highest degree. No wonder she is never free for you.

It sounds like the friend in this situation is trying to maintain some boundaries because OP is always pushing for social things.

Otherwise I'd have said that continually being vague can come across as aloof and it would mildly annoy me.
Someone says they're not free that weekend and suggests others, cool.
Someone says theyv e already got plans, cool.
Someone says thry can't and then volunteers what they're up to, cool.

Someone who always give vague responses would seem a bit cold and aloof to me (or there is a backstory like the OP).

Have to admit like other pp I interpret it along the lines of "you must be joking, why on earth would I want to do that?" Interesting that that isn't how it's meant!

I think it's because it's quite a new phrase - wasn't used until about ten years ago - and is also a bit inscrutable. Illogical of me perhaps because 'oh no I'd love to but we've already got something on' is also inscrutable but conveys a quite different sentiment to me - though perhaps 'we have plans' is never preceded by the 'I'd love to but..' clause!

oh no I'd love to but we've already got something on' So much better