*triggering* Was I raped?

[Puddingmama2017]

I woke up to my partner having sex with me. I lay still and kept quiet. He didn’t know I was awake. I waited for him to ask or check. He tried to go for anal sex but I cried out so he went back to what he was doing. He tried twice more for anal before returning to what he had been doing. Then got up and left the room.

I’ve said before I didn’t mind him trying to wake me by touches and caresses. Is it my fault? Did he misunderstand? Did I give consent without meaning to? I’m so confused and feel so cold.

Well done OP. You are so strong and so amazing.

@Jagblue

She cried out when he tried anal, but he didn't stop, and then tried it again? How is that not rape? She froze as well, a typical response to rape.

I think people underestimate just what people are capable of while they're asleep. It is absolutely scientifically possible he has no memory of this event. BUT that doesn't forgive or change it. You are responsible for everything you do whether you were fully in control or not (think drink driving or falling asleep and causing a crash) and so is he.

Well done op 💐

OP I was raped in almost identical circumstances over many years in my marriage. The police were VERY CLEAR if was rape.

I am so glad you have your mum with you and you have confronted him and he’s left

I also froze, and have never been told that means it was ok.

Hope you get the support you need

I'm not victim blaming, I'm saying that people are saying it's "always rape". Not always. In the OP's case, very definitely. In my case, very definitely not.

So sorry this happened to you

Yep Jagblue - I'd love it if guys like this were jailed for rape. Particularly when they rape the women they profess to love and care for. It's sick and violent behaviour.

And Philomena - I think you really need to learn when it's appropriate to discuss your enjoyment of being woken with sex. This thread really isn't the place for it.

@busybarbara

I get the impression that the OP's DH does remember doing it. His upset is that he's claiming that he didn't realise that she didn't want it, and is expressing remorse.

Glad you've confronted him and he's leaving.

That is to say, he's expressing it, I doubt he means it.

Thank you all so so much.

Glad to see you’re back OP.
Hope you feeling better now your mum is here and the partner has now gone.

• hoping the partner is now gone

Some really odd and worrying responses on this thread. Glad MNHQ got onto them.

OP, you have done so, so well.

OP you are so strong and brave. Well done xx

Well done op. You are so strong

And I forgot to say well done OP.

Also I'd be very happy to discuss the impacts of my similar rape on me by PM but only if you think it may be useful.i won't bother you but feel free to contact me any time

Oh Pudding . I am glad that you confronted your rapist and that he is going. Massive hugs to you.

I would also report him to the Police, he is a sex offender, if he can do that you, he can do that to another woman.

Peace to you puddingmama2017

I hope you can rest today,and know you are all safe tonight.

I am horrified at some of the appalling things said on this all night and morning long. Do also managed that extremely well. Strong.

You and you little ones are safe now.
Take care, and you know who to contact if you need or want to.