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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

*triggering* Was I raped?

612 replies

Puddingmama2017 · 18/11/2018 03:38

I woke up to my partner having sex with me. I lay still and kept quiet. He didn’t know I was awake. I waited for him to ask or check. He tried to go for anal sex but I cried out so he went back to what he was doing. He tried twice more for anal before returning to what he had been doing. Then got up and left the room.

I’ve said before I didn’t mind him trying to wake me by touches and caresses. Is it my fault? Did he misunderstand? Did I give consent without meaning to? I’m so confused and feel so cold.

OP posts:
Lymphy · 18/11/2018 10:15

Ah OP I've got up to see that your mum is on her way I'm so pleased. I can't believe what I'm reading here. Continue to be strong as you were in the small hours.
He knew it, you knew it, we all know what he has done x

ZaZathecat · 18/11/2018 10:19

Pudding, in answer to your last comment about him carrying on as normal, he's hardly going to say 'oh by the way sorry about the rape last night'. He has to carry on as normal if he's not admitting any wrongdoing.
Sorry, I haven't read all 17 pages but I hope you are finishing with him straight away. Imagine going to bed every night in fear of it happening again.

anonkneemouse · 18/11/2018 10:20

OP if you can, when your mum comes over tell him to leave. Explain what you have here, tell him he has to go and you will report to the police (even if you've no intention of doing). You absolutely cannot spend another night in bed with this vile beast.

Ask your mum if she can take emergency leave from work for the day, if necessary text the ex and say is there any way he can have the kids for a few hours, it's an emergency and you need them out of the house.

Whatever you do, do not sleep with him again. He might do it again.

Don't blame yourself for not reacting, you were in shock and your brain couldn't process the horror of the situation.

Lizzie48 · 18/11/2018 10:26

I didn't report my rape to police for 6 weeks after and wish I'd reported at the time. Even if you don't want to proceed with a complaint they were amazing with me. CPS dropped the case but I felt believed by the Police and it is on record so If he does this to someone else they will have this too to increase chance of conviction. Thinking of you and hope you stay safe xx

That was exactly my experience. The police were amazing. They believed DSis and me absolutely and were sure they had traced their man. He was a stranger to us; his accomplice, who is now dead, was known to us and to DM, and she and others had told the police that they had had concerns about him and his behaviour around children at the time.

The only other person who knows and was there is our DB, who has serious MH issues.

There was not enough evidence for the CPS to prosecute, which we understood, but they also had no doubts about what had happened.

Lizzie48 · 18/11/2018 10:27

Posted too soon. We were also assured that our complaint would remain on his record and it would come up in any DBS check.

PhilomenaButterfly · 18/11/2018 10:30

This reply has been deleted

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Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly · 18/11/2018 10:34

pudding I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Don't doubt yourself for one minute, please.
An ex partner of mine was once prescribed diazepam and on the first night taking it, he did this to me, pinned me down and forced anal sex on me, despite me screaming at him, and him being completely unresponsive and not conscious. He was mortified the next day, and although I never reported it, I still had to finish with him as there was a tiny 1% of me that could never trust him again. Your partner has no such excuse, please make sure you get away from him in case he repeats his actions.

Adviceandguidanceneeded · 18/11/2018 10:35

Butterfly - WTF you enjoy waking up to being raped? That is horrific

BlueUggs · 18/11/2018 10:37

I'm so sorry you woke up to this. He will minimise this. He will act like nothing is wrong.
You did nothing wrong, not responding is a normal shocked response.
I completely understand your reasons for not wanting to deal with this now.

Shriek · 18/11/2018 10:38

Philomena I think that probably really is best put on another TAAT, bearing in mind what happened here, don't you, out of respect for OP?

Livpool · 18/11/2018 10:38

OP nothing about what happened is your fault. In any way. Do what you need to get through xx

Quartz2208 · 18/11/2018 10:40

Oh OP it sounds like you have been groomed into thinking he is amazing and thoughtful so he can do it and get away with it.

He is acting normally because he doesnt care about your consent

MrsG841 · 18/11/2018 10:42

Op I'm so sorry this happened to you. I completely understand why you want to handle it in ur way. Ignore the cretins on this thread they are ot worth ur time.

Have a good cry with ur mum and get it all out and make a plan together.

We are all here for u misses

PhilomenaButterfly · 18/11/2018 10:43

This reply has been deleted

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C0untDucku1a · 18/11/2018 10:46

philomen then that really isnt the same thing, is it? And has no place on here. And is actually really unhelpful and unkind.

RedDeadRoach · 18/11/2018 10:47

PhilomenaButterfly your situation has fuck all to do with what the op has described. Why have you even mentioned it? Clearly the op has never consented to this. All you're serving to do is muddy the waters with " well some women do like it". So fucking what. Op didn't, I didn't, lots of other women have posted and also didn't.

Quartz2208 · 18/11/2018 10:48

philomena that is your relationship and you consent in advance and you are fine with it

This isnt the same

Shriek · 18/11/2018 10:50

SOOO inappropriate!

MNHQ
JoanneMumsnet · 18/11/2018 11:03

Sorry to interrupt your thread, OP. Flowers

Thanks for the reports about various victim-blaming and troll hunting posts on this thread. As you can see, we've been through and deleted many posts.

We just wanted to post a link to our We Believe You campaign – and would appreciate it if anyone not familiar with this campaign takes a look. The campaign highlights the many rape myths we're challenging.

We will remove victim-blaming posts, so please do report any of these that you see, and we'll take a closer look.

Puddingmama - please take a look at our webguide - it links to organisations which can offer you advice and support. Flowers

Lizzie48 · 18/11/2018 11:06

Your experience has no relevance to this thread at all, @PhilomenaButterfly yours is about consenting adults. I assume that if you cried out in distress, your OH would stop, as any decent man who isn't a rapist would do. Hmm

TeddyIsaHe · 18/11/2018 11:11

Love that campaign MNHQ. This thread just highlights how women are so rarely believed, and how damaging that is.

Op, I hope you’re ok. You seem incredibly strong and I hope you manage to get through the next few days. You did nothing wrong. I wish you all the best

allhdghd · 18/11/2018 11:13

This is one of the worst threads I have ever read on Mumsnet. People are truly repulsive.

I'm so sorry OP, I hope your mum is there and giving you some support Thanks

MysticFlyTrap · 18/11/2018 11:20

I hope you are okay op and that your mum is with you nowFlowers
He is acting normally because that is what rapists do. What he did is rape and the anal part is very disturbing.
I hope you manage to get swabs and get him arrested xx

Original poster
Puddingmama2017 · 18/11/2018 11:23

My mum was here. I confronted him. He broke down. He’s going.

OP posts:
Lymphy · 18/11/2018 11:24

Well done OP. He broke down, you see he knows he always did. Massively proud of you x