*triggering* Was I raped?

[Puddingmama2017]

I woke up to my partner having sex with me. I lay still and kept quiet. He didn’t know I was awake. I waited for him to ask or check. He tried to go for anal sex but I cried out so he went back to what he was doing. He tried twice more for anal before returning to what he had been doing. Then got up and left the room.

I’ve said before I didn’t mind him trying to wake me by touches and caresses. Is it my fault? Did he misunderstand? Did I give consent without meaning to? I’m so confused and feel so cold.

I was raped by my husband and I froze. I believe you mamma and you did nothing wrong. You are strong. You deserve respect. You can do this.

My mistake, thought you were referring to evidence gathering of the rape (which there was none) being interfered with because of earlier sex. Sorry.

They had it before... I'm confused now, cos I never said you said they had it after either...oh well.

traumatic event is defined by intense confusion, fear, and flight or freeze. It's a time of danger .not to mention acute embarrassment in this instance.

I’m so sorry to see the kind of comments you’ve been subjected to in the last half of the thread.

I just wanted to reiterate that although this all seems totally surreal and overwhelming right now, you mustn’t beat yourself up for the way you reacted. There truly is no right or wrong way to behave in that situation.

Please don’t let the way you reacted or his behaviour this morning give you any reason to doubt what you know happened. If it was in any way consensual sex with a loving partner, why would it have left you feeling this way? There is no chance that a grown man can be completely unaware of when his partner is reciprocating and consenting, versus when she isn’t.

You’ve done bloody incredibly last night and this morning, just carry on taking it all half an hour at a time.

I think this was just a big misunderstanding. He probably thought you were enjoying it

The OP woke up to find that he was having sex with her, then he tried to force her to have anal sex, whereupon she cried out in pain. If it was a genuine misunderstanding, he would have stopped straightaway and been mortified at himself. He didn't, he acted as if nothing had happened.

The perfect behaviour you describe is very common with abusers. My abusive F could act like a totally normal loving father in the daytime, which is why my DM didn't have a clue what was happening. The abuse happened the same way, too, I used to tell myself it was a nightmare and I would wake up soon. It created confusion as to what was real and what wasn't.

I found Rape Crisis to be excellent when DSis and I reported our childhood abuse to the police. (The CPS decided there wasn't sufficient evidence to prosecute in our case; our F is dead and so were all the others apart from the one the police did pursue.)

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, @Puddingmama2017 you can get through it, though.

Im guessing you haven't been together long if your baby is only 18 months?

OP, I have RTFT and one thing stuck out for me which I find really really concerning.

You said your partner left the room afterwards. This was in the middle of the night.

You also said this: “after he left the room, I went for a wee, and he was coming up the stairs. He greeted me with his usual ‘hello beautiful!’

You also said your DD was asleep on the couch downstairs.

PLEASE tell me that the layout of your house is such that your bathroom is downstairs.

Because the thing that strikes me is: Why the hell would he be going downstairs TO WHERE YOUR DD IS after raping you (and not finishing)????

I don’t want to worry you but terrible things are going through my head.

4 mths skybird please read

Hi op,
Maybe he is acting normal with you because he thinks he's got away with it OR he thinks what he did was perfectly acceptable and is carrying on his usual behaviour

Nothing can be certain anymore which is why its safest to leave whilst DM there today and not another night

@GirlsNightIn I think I’d avoid confrontation too and pretend I wanted him out for another reason but no idea how I would do that today. OP needs him gone asap.
I’m a bit confused where he went afterwards. He came up the stairs, said hello to her whilst she had a wee and then went to bed & slep soundly. Where was he? A DD sleeping on the sofa and a rapist wondering around the house.

4 months!!! Shocking! Why on earth is he living in your house with you children.

I think he feels confident of his control of OP, and his nice charmingness just smoothes everything over and he doesn't think he's done wrong. Which is what he'll attempt to convince her of if the topic is opened for discussion, and when it doesn't work, will be a good job DM there and two sets of phones for police calling

He's only been living there 4 mths, rtft

Yes indeed, I don't know which of the DC the DD is in terms of age, but yes, when she went upstairs for a wee he was coming up the stairs and said that slimey greeting.
No-one can be sure of anything.
And the stakes are high.

I'm so sorry for what you have been thru. The brain does what it can to protect itself. I also had to lie there next to my rapist ex silently crying and hoping he didn't wake to do it again then him pretending everything was fine in the morning. I couldn't get out of his flat quick enough. I completely disassociated from it as my brain couldn't cope with the reality of what had happened. When I finally woke up to it I crumbled. Please seek help from your local SARC or Rape Crisis. I wish I had at the time or your local women's aid.

I hope you find the strength to get him out today as I worry he will do this again now he has done it once. I also worry for your children. Hope your mum is with you now and you can get him out. Please stay safe.

I didn't report my rape to police for 6 weeks after and wish I'd reported at the time. Even if you don't want to proceed with a complaint they were amazing with me. CPS dropped the case but I felt believed by the Police and it is on record so If he does this to someone else they will have this too to increase chance of conviction. Thinking of you and hope you stay safe xx

She was upstairs and went for a wee, when he came upstairs...

Previous one didn't read right

Sorry OP that’s probably not helpful. I just think it’s very urgent and as @shriek has said really really does need to happen today at the times when you are safest!

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I can't add anything that hasn't already been said, but I am horrified that someone could do this

Don’t be fooled OP, he’s ACTING normal because he is obviously a good actor. He tricked you into believing he was a decent human but he is clearly not. Now you have seen his true colours he’s trying to trick you again with his ‘nice, normal’ act.

Nice, normal men do not force their penises into women who clearly don’t want to have sex with them. And OP you were clear, you cried out in pain, you froze, those are blindingly clear signals that you did NOT want to have sex with him.

If a decent man is having sex with someone and they freeze or cry out in pain they would immediately stop. You didn’t need to say the word ‘no’, your body did that for you. He KNEW and he carried on.

You were raped. Your rapist is now trying to mess with your head but YOU ARE STRONG. You have plans formulating and he cannot hurt you again because now you are in control. Much love to you.

I’m also agreeing with @CockapooMum that you need professional support and to report it. Again, today, whilst your with your mum & it’s safe.

You are amazing. Sending more love and strength! Xx

So glad OP has her DM with her now. Keeping everything crossed they are all ok

I’m sorry that people are being far from empathetic here OP. How are you feeling now? I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. Sending big hugs.